One of my bridesmaids is a good friend from law school. We didn't always hang out drinking after classes and on the weekends, but relied on each other for advice about our significant others all the time. At age 33, she had never seriously dated someone before and her parents had basically given up on her (which is obviously ridiculous). So when she and her boyfriend (who she met online and started dating a month after CP and I met) got in a fight for the first time, I had to talk her down from the ledge as she thought that they were going to immediately break up.
We worked through her relationship issues and they moved into together. Moving in together then created some more issues, but again, we were able to work through them. They got engaged over Spring Break of our last year in law school. I was ridiculously happy for them.
Since then, they have continued to fight, but I do think that she overreacts at times. However, they both don't know how to fight fair and after a fight, will often not speak to each other for days. Yikes.
Yesterday, she emailed me because instead of having a wedding in front of family, they are going to self-solemnize (basically, have the wedding ceremony just between the two of them) while on vacation next week. After fighting about how to get married, she relented, agreeing to have the ceremony without parents because it would be too awkward with his divorced parents.
Anyway, they finally settled on a vacation spot and planned a time this past weekend to discuss the wedding plans. As of last week, she wasn't sure where they were going to do the ceremony, if they were going to write their own vows or steal some from the internet, if she was going to wear a white dress, etc. I guess the planning did not go so well.
Because the ceremony is just going to be the two of them, she wants it to be special. She doesn't want to haphazardly say something and not have it mean something. And I completely agree with her. A wedding is a one-time affair and if you make a joke out of it, then how seriously are you going to take the marriage? Her fiance on the other hand, would have rather planned out where they were going to go hiking and rafting instead of planning the ceremony.
She is obviously hurt, as I would be too. In the midst of her crying and the two of them shouting, some awful things were said on his part- stuff like marriage doesn't really mean much to him because it doesn't stop people from getting divorced and he is not religious anyway, they have already made a commitment to each other, etc......so he just doesn't think that it is that important. (By the way, if CP ever said these things? DEATH. I don't care if it is in the heat of the moment.) She asked him why he wanted to get married if he meant those things. His answer? "I don't know."
So I am a bit stuck. I do think that they are a good couple, but he can be a stubborn a**. The two of them don't know how to fight fairly which causes a lot of problems. I have suggested couples counseling, but according to her, he won't go. I personally think that it is their best shot at a marriage without constant fighting.
I am doing the best that I can with trying to talk to her, but I think that I have run out of things to say. I'm not sure that he is willing to change, but he is in a RELATIONSHIP which means compromise. She wants to send a vicious email to him, but I told her that will only make things worse. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in their relationship- they are getting married in less than a week. What a nightmare.
*****Update*****
My friend just got an email from her fiancé.
Hey babe,
My friend just got an email from her fiancé.
Hey babe,
I’m back in town (I guess he was out of town for work today).
Do you want to go ring shopping with me?*
Can you send me the ceremony/passages/vows ideas you have found?
P
While this does not wash away the things that he said yesterday, at least he is reaching out and seems interested in planning now. They still have A LOT to discuss tonight.
*Another reason she is upset is because he has refused to wear a wedding ring on his finger. He said that he would wear it on a necklace around his neck instead because he isn’t used to wearing rings. Until today, he hadn’t wanted to look for a ring.
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8 comments:
yee-ikes...
It's pretty terrible since they both had very different experiences growing up.
I think it's terrible that he's not willing to go to couple's counseling.
Is your friend close with her parents? It might not be a bad idea for her father to step in and talk to him. Maybe be the father figure it sounds like he lacked. Heck her mother can step in too...
I don't know what else to offer since it sounds like you've done as much as you can.
Wow that is a very sticky situation. Maybe deep down she knows each of them knows it is not going to work if they don't change, the problem is that they want the other person to change.
You're doing the best thing a friend can do listen, remind her to be rational and lend a shoulder.
That's hard. My best friend was dating a guy for a few years who was nice, but wasn't taking steps to make a future with her (or move out of his mother's house) and she was always miserable with him. I finally told her what I thought and let her know that I did not think she would be happy with him in the long run. She finally realized it for herself and is now much happier without him. Sometimes friends need to hear their own thoughts echoed by someone else to push forward.
My only question is this: why are they still together? It seems that they have very different life goals (she wants to get married, he doesn't care) and I think that's a root issue that should be examined. Have they talked about whether or not they want to have kids *and made that decision together?* What are their other communal goals? Why get married if you're not sure you want it?
Of course, YOU can't ask this, but I can. And between you and me, it sounds like your friend is dating my ex, Eeyore.
Can I just say...this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. And honestly, I think the guy needs to go through counseling to deal with his parents' divorce, because it is pretty clear (it's like giant, neon red flags flashing so brightly the Las Vegas Strip looks like a candle0 he's not over it and hasn't handled it well.
He just seems like he's not entirely in the relationship, like he half expects it to fail, and like he doesn't really want to put in the much-needed effort to be a better partner because he sees failure as inevitable. Not the kind of person I would encourage my friend to marry. I'm sure you know them better, have different opinions, but...he has no business getting married. Period. I don't know what I would say to a friend if she really wanted to marry such a person, but I would encourage her to ask herself if she really wanted to MARRY someone who seemed to think divorce was always right around the bend.
Oh my goodness. That's NOT good! I don't know what to say, though, other than I really think they need to sit down together and talk everything out and make sure they're on the same page before it's their wedding day because they CLEARLY aren't. I'm crossing my fingers for the that they can sort everything out.
Just keep talking to your friend. You're being a good friend just by listening, even if you don't have anything else to say.
Roxy- Being that the fiance is 37 years old, I'm not sure that he would appreciate her father talking to him.
Lacey- She has voiced her opinion that if they continue to fight like this, that she doesn't want to be in a marriage like that. That was a few months ago when they were fighting over buying a house....
Paisana- They do want to have kids. In fact, she wants to get pregnant in July so that she won't really be showing for my wedding, but so that they can get started. He doesn't want to be 40 and just starting to have kids.
Katie- I am also worried that even in the heat of the moment, that he would say things like that. It's not a good sign.
Very tough situation indeed. I say this: Your friend can only control what she can control. So, she first has to ask herself whether she's ok marrying someone who is skeptical about the institution (no offense to her, but my parents went through an ugly divorce, I might be cynical, too). If her answer is yes, she can look beyond that, then she has to focus on only those things she can control. She cannot make him want to be a part of the planning process. Lots of guys don't want to be a part of it. She needs to move forward with the things that are important to her. Write/research those vows. Buy that white dress. Etc. And run things by him with low expectations of his reaction. She can't force him to make those things a priority in his life. And she has to accept him - all of him.
You're a good friend for standing by her. I hope things work out for the best.
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