Too soon- RIP Buster

This is a post that I am having to write too soon. On Sunday night after the kids went to bed, CP and I took Buster to the emergency vet to be put down. We are both heartbroken.

Saturday I got back to Chicago after my flight from Austin and being away for 18 days. Before I left Buster wasn't doing great, but was still able to walk and not that long ago, could even do a funny run (even though it wasn't very far). While on Facetime late last week I saw Buster essentially dragging himself around on the carpet with his two front paws because it was too hard for him to get up on all fours so I knew that things had gone downhill.

Saturday night I tried to take Buster for a walk at the end of the night and he could barely make it to the end of the block, even with me holding up his backside via his harness the entire time. He would partly drag his back legs on the grass and partly sort-of walk while almost falling over most of the time. His back right leg was clearly weaker so his body was curved towards his right side while he "walked." At that point, I knew that his time was short and I burst out crying, petting Buster while he sat down and rested. The rest of the night I sat on the floor petting Buster. Eventually I went to bed and CP stayed downstairs with Buster for a few hours, mainly sleeping, before coming upstairs with me. Around 2:30 I heard Buster barking downstairs (he hadn't come upstairs in about a week) so I headed downstairs to be with him. He was anxious, panting like he was hot although it was cold downstairs (something that is fairly normal in DM dogs as the disease progresses according to the DM Facebook group). I brought him next to the couch and pet him until he calmed down and we both went back to sleep. 

Sunday morning, I knew it was the day. I had originally thought that it could wait until the following weekend and it could have....but Buster's quality of life was rapidly decreasing and this week he would have sat home, by himself for 11 hours while we were at work, barely able to drag himself around. He couldn't go for a walk any longer (one of his favorite things to do) and instead, we could give him a good last day that we weren't able to give Koda. So on Sunday Buster had Wes' leftover french toast for second breakfast, he sat outside chewing sticks that Wes would bring him and enjoyed the cold weather outside while we raked leaves and hung out with him. 

Bringing Buster sticks to chew on

Enjoying the cool weather outside 

We left him for only a few hours in the afternoon (for Izzy's 4th birthday party) before coming home and having my parents over for dinner. Buster was happy to see his "friends" (my parents) and all of the adults gave him lots of attention all night long. CP made him a special steak dinner and Wes made sure to drop some of his steak on the ground for Buster too. Wes gave him a hug and a kiss before heading upstairs for bed. After Wes was in bed, it was finally time to bring him in while my parents were home with the kids. He was so excited to get in the car that it felt so wrong. I started crying immediately. I knew in my head that it was the right decision, but I felt guilty for being gone for 18 days right before putting him down. 

When we arrived, I got in the very back of the car with Buster, sobbing and petting him while he laid down in my lap while CP went inside to check in. I told him that he was a good boy and that I loved him very much. We brought Buster inside the vet's office and they have a special room where we had also taken Koda on her last day. CP and I just cried, knowing what was to come. A vet technician came to pick Buster up to put a catheter in his front leg where they would administer the drugs. After they brought Buster back we had a few minutes of talking to Buster, petting him, all while sobbing. I'm pretty sure he knew that something was up. Then the vet came in to tell us about the procedure- that he would first administer a large dose of anesthetic before giving Buster the second drug that would stop his heart. We also had a short conversation about DM and the issues that Buster was having. We asked if they could use the Help Him Up Harness that was on Buster and the vet said that they could. He then left us to say our final goodbyes. When we were ready, we let the doctor know and he came to administer the drugs while we continued to pet Buster and talk to him. The doctor checked Buster's heart to make sure the drugs had worked and I let out uncontrollable heaving sobs. CP put his hand on my back to comfort me as he was crying at the same time. I couldn't believe that at just 6.5 years old we had to say goodbye to Buster. It just wasn't fair. The vet left to give us some time with Buster before we left. He looked so peaceful, just laying there with his eyes half open, head on top of his paws.

It felt wrong leaving Buster in the room and not taking him home with us. After we left the room, CP poked his head in one last time to see him before we headed out to the car, sobbing. We discussed our memories of Buster on the drive home, like how we got his name on his first night home with us or the day that Koda bit a small piece of his ear off when he was puppy and annoying her. I realized that it had been a few months since he was able to give us one of his hugs where he would stand up on his back paws and wrap his front paws around your waist. My parents thankfully moved his water dish, food bowl, and doggie bed downstairs to the basement before we came home....but then it made our family room look bare without the bed. After my parents left, CP and I couldn't sleep so we watched the end of the Eagles-Cowboys game while I posted a message on Facebook about having to say goodbye to Buster. CP took Nyquil to help himself sleep and I kept crying as I went to bed. 

We woke up in a daze on Monday morning. Izzy asked where we had taken Buster the night before and CP and I had agreed that we would tell her that he was at the vet (we didn't want to tell her before taking her to school). I wanted to take the day off but had a meeting that was being held at my office that I had facilitated so I had to go in. My eyes were swollen and red and I'm pretty sure that everyone thought that I was on drugs. I did my best to not cry and left work a little early because I was so exhausted. That night after dinner CP and I sat down with Izzy and told her that we had to tell her something. We told her that unfortunately, Buster had died. We were a little surprised at her reaction as we never thought she was particularly close to Buster- she started crying and said that she wanted to give Buster one last hug. We explained that wasn't possible and she just kept saying that she wanted to give him a hug....meanwhile we both started to cry again. After about five minutes, she got up and wanted to play. Later that night she had trouble falling asleep and when I came into her room, she started crying about Buster and wanting to give him a hug. I told her that it was okay to be sad because Buster was a big part of our family. CP and I questioned whether we should have made a big deal about getting Izzy to give Buster a hug and a kiss Sunday night before leaving, but decided that she might have thought it fishy since we never do that....but it was too late now.

Wes seems to know that Buster is missing as well. Last night he threw some food on the floor and looked around as if to say, "where is Buster to pick it up?" This morning he wanted to look outside from his room, I think to see if he saw Buster out in the backyard?

Needless to say, I'm working from home today and the house feels empty. Not having Buster here to pet or talk to is devastating. I'm glad that I waited until today to write this post because I have been bawling the entire time while writing it. Buster came into our family at a tough time in our life. He was our first baby and now he is gone. This one was so much harder than Koda because she was old and it was absolutely her time to go. I was also only a little more than 1 month out from giving birth to Izzy and totally hormonal so I couldn't focus as much on losing Koda. Not to mention that we had Buster at home so we still had a dog. Koda was truly CP's dog (she was already 1.5 years old by the time I met him), but Buster was truly my dog. I mean, he loved CP, but he definitely loved me more. 

I miss his hugs. I miss him nudging my hand for me to pet him. I miss petting his soft fur. I miss him trying to get in my lap, even though he was too big for a lap dog. I miss him getting all excited about meals, treats, and walks. I wish that he had made it to see one last snow, his favorite weather event because he would eat it off the ground. He was a frustrating, but super loving dog to his favorite people.

I don't know how to end this post, but to tell you that I am devastated. He had only been in our lives since May 2011, but there is now a huge hole in our family that may not get filled for a while. Love you forever buddy.

First day with us

Last day with us- Sunday, November 19th