Thoughts about death

While CP was in Thailand for two weeks for work, I took Izzy up to my parent's place in MI two weekends in a row.  The second weekend- at least the start of it- was a complete disaster.  Not 15 minutes into my drive I tried my best to go around a bad part of the road, but ended up hitting the bump funny.  When I heard the "clunk" I knew that it was something bad.  I pulled over in a parking lot and got out to survey the damage.

Everything looked intact near the rear right wheel.  I felt the tires- check.  Made sure the rim was still attached to the tire- check. I then decided to continue driving as I couldn't see anything wrong.

About 30 minutes later I was still hearing clunking noises as I drove when CP called from Thailand.  Even he could hear the clunking noises over the phone!  I pulled over on the highway and got out again to see if I could see anything.  I ended up pulling on a cylinder behind the tire and realizing that it was loose on the side making noise.  I sent this picture to CP and asked him to do some internet searching to figure out if driving with this loose part was dangerous. 

The loose part

I only had three options: 1. keep driving and hope that I got to MI safely; 2. call my parents and ask them to drive from MI to pick me, Izzy, and Buster up and bring me home; or 3. call a tow truck and figure out a way home while also trying to figure out how to transport Buster, a dog that does not like strangers when he first meets them (so not really a good option).

CP ended up figuring out that it was the shock and as far as he could tell from internet searches, it was okay to drive the car.  I got back on the road and called my parents to let them know what was going on and to keep their phones on them in case something happened and I needed them to pick me up.  I white-knuckled the rest of the drive, driving slower than usual and staying clear of potholes.  I told myself that I was an awful mother continuing to make this drive and that I shouldn't put Izzy or Buster at risk.  Visions of my rear right tire flying off the car went through my head.  Then once the tire flew off, I figured that I wouldn't be able to control the car so the visions became me crashing into the metal barrier between the highway and the lake that I was driving past.  I thought about how the hell I was going to save Izzy when she was in her car seat while the car slowly sank to bottom of the lake.

Horrible thoughts right?  I have always had some weird, dark thoughts....usually around big events.  It's usually worries about something happening to someone I love.  Like something happening to CP before our wedding.  I was really worried about something happening to my parents before I moved out to Chicago two years ago  I still worry about something happening to me or CP and can envision the headlines- "Parent of 5 month old baby dies (insert awful way to die)."  I have more of these thoughts of death and dying now that Izzy is here. I don't dwell on them but the quantity has increased. Oddly enough, they are never about Izzy.

Maybe this is normal?  Because I now have a child that is dependent on me maybe I have some more anxiety over the possibility that something could happen to me, CP, or both of us?

Clearly I am still here so I did end up making it to my parent's house that night.  After Izzy went to bed I relaxed after three glasses of wine.  Between getting my period that week, the car ride, single parenting for two weeks, and stress the wine was sorely needed!

We took the car to the dealership the next morning to make sure I could drive it back to Chicago without a problem and were told that would be okay.  The car went into the shop that next week and unfortunately, it wasn't just the shocks that needed repair. $2200 later I didn't  have to worry about the safety of my car anymore...just my credit card bill.