Third trimester recap

Overall, I do think that my third trimester with Wesley was easier than my third trimester with Izzy. Or, it is possible that I simply didn't have the time to dwell on every ache and pain because I was a card-carrying member of the "Just F*cking Do It" club. :-)

So, starting at the beginning of the third trimester I was dealing with some oh-so-fun sciatica pain. It stuck around for the rest of the pregnancy, but after a while it would come and go instead of being a constant pain. I also found what seemed to be a scab on my areola on my right breast. My OB wasn't concerned and thought that it could just be a skin tag that will go away after I gave birth (so far it is still there). I also found a skin tag near my arm pit- it also hasn't gone away.

Other issues around the same time included pain in my left thumb from the nurse hitting a nerve instead of my vein when putting my IV in at labor & delivery. That pain stuck around for a few weeks but eventually went away. I started to dread going to bed around this time as well because I just knew that I wasn't going to get a good sleep. Most of the time when I would wake up after sleeping on my right side my right hand would be puffy and asleep. I also started to have fluid buildup in my ankles and feet which would go away a bit by the morning but I couldn't wear a lot of my shoes from this point on in the pregnancy.

Once I got closer to 33 weeks the veins in my boobs popped out which I took to be a good sign of my milk getting ready. I would frequently wake up drooling which is something I *never* do normally- thanks extra saliva during pregnancy! I also had one night where I freaked out until Wes moved because I fell asleep on my back for two hours.

A week later I did something to my foot. Buster stepped on it but he steps on my feet a lot so my feet should be used to it. I limped around for a good few weeks, trying to ice as much as possible, and finally going to the doctor where they determined that it wasn't broken. I randomly tried my engagement ring on- surprisingly it still fit but I ended up taking it off later that day because it got too tight after wearing it around in the heat.

34 weeks was around the time that I started to feel Wes hiccuping.

Sadly at 37 weeks I found my third hemorrhoid and I started to get red/brown freckles/marks on my belly (something I also got with Izzy). I had tons of Braxton Hicks contractions the few days leading up to the c-section and my red stretch marks from my previous pregnancy on my belly became very pronounced. Sleep could have been worse- I was only waking up 2-3 times a night to pee and although I swore by the snoogle last time, I didn't use it at all this pregnancy! I definitely had sore hips and had to turnover a bunch of times per night but not having to turn over every hour definitely made for better sleep.

Finally, the front of my chest/my cleavage had raised red/brown almost open sores/zits from some seriously dry skin. Unfortunately I still have them despite putting lotion on my chest all the time. Hopefully they go away soon.

So overall? Another good pregnancy....but I am glad that I don't have to do it again.

Next up? Wesley's birth story which was not quite as easy as Izzy's.....

Just F*cking Doing It Club

Two nights ago I was up until 1am crying and anxious because how was I going to deal with having two kids? How was I going to juggle work, kids, Buster, etc. especially when CP is traveling? I should be cherishing the time that we have left as a family of three, instead I am feeling guilty because I am tired and annoyed. 

Yesterday I went to see my primary care physician about my foot. 10 days later I'm still limping and in pain so it was time to make sure that I didn't do something silly to it. After an appointment and X-rays, it was deemed by a student doctor that I didn't have a break that they could see in my foot but maybe I have a tiny stress fracture? And that the slight bit of extra fluid in my feet and the extra weight due to pregnancy are not helping. Their answer? Ice and Rest. Okay, so I will continue to suck it up as I have been and continue to get sh*t done.

Later in the day I had an appointment with my OB and talked to her about the possibility of getting postpartum depression if I didn't have it the first time. I have been more emotional this pregnancy and my google searching while up crying the other night didn't yield any answers. My OB's response was that it would be highly unlikely to get PPD if you didn't have it the first time, however, with a second baby there will likely be more anxiety and guilt. For instance, I could get anxious if both kids are crying so it was important to use my support network to help with Izzy while I am busy with the baby- especially before Baby Boy has a schedule. 

That didn't really make me feel any better, but reading this article- The Just F*cking Doing It Club- helped me a bit because it is so true. Once I had Izzy I was asked numerous times how I fit everything in. You just do. You figure out what works for you and you just do it because you have to. And that is what I will do once I have two kids.  I'll figure out what works for me and just f*cking do it.

Extra emotional

I know that I am extra emotional these days, but three different things have left me sobbing recently and reaffirm just how lucky I am.

I don't even remember what I was watching, but it was about a person who went to visit an orphanage and instead of hearing the sound of crying babies as one would expect, they heard silence. When they asked a person that worked there, the explanation essentially was that after a bit of time the babies learn that no one is going to pick them up and comfort them if they cry so why bother? This tore my heart out to hear this. Babies are so helpless and to give up so early in life because no one is there for you....well, this just writing this makes me want to cry all over again. This story was of an orphanage in a foreign country, but I can only assume that it happens here in the US to babies born to drug addicted parents (or other scenarios where the parents are absent or unable to take care of their babies).

The other story that had me sobbing while walking to the train was while listening to the podcast Embedded. The May 25th episode focused on a Doctors Without Borders facility in South Sudan. The reporter, Kelly McEvers, sat by the bedside of an infant as she lay unconscious because of severe malnutrition and severe malaria. Later on in the episode, the girl woke up and asked for water which surprised Kelly. Turns out that even though the girl was only 15 pounds, she was three years old and could talk. 15 POUNDS at 3 years old?!? Izzy hit 15 pounds right after her 4 month birthday. There are no words.

Embedded podcast

Both of these stories are terrible and heartbreaking and it makes me mad that via mommy wars we fight about the stupidest stuff when we really should be so thankful that we were born in a first world country and don't have to worry about these life or death situations.

To try to end this post on a good note, here is a video that made me cry last night. As you know, most of my job has to do with homelessness so seeing this video made me cry happy tears. Maybe I am more tired this time around, but I am definitely succumbing to the hormonal cry more often during this pregnancy- CP is not phased by it anymore.

Microblog Mondays: Kid-free time

As much as I love my daughter, getting some kid-free time is always helpful. My husband travels a lot for work so often I am the only parent around. Thankfully this year it has been all travel within the US so he has been around on the weekends, but it is still exhausting (especially while pregnant).

On Saturday, a good friend from college was coming into town from NYC and we made plans to go to a Cubs game. I asked CP if he wanted to go, but he doesn't really care about the Cubs so it was decided that he would have a father-daughter day with Izzy while I hung out with my friend. I couldn't drink but I had two kid-free meals and a total of 10+ hours not having to worry about whether Izzy had peed recently, not having to listen to kids music, and the ability to have more than a 5 minute conversation with my friend. Not to mention it was a great Cubs game and they won! It was definitely needed as I am rounding the corner to soon having a baby that is going to need me 24/7 along with a demanding toddler!


Want to read more Microblog Mondays? Go here.

Big girl bed

Some day soon I hope to stop reading about all of the other issues parents have in raising their kids. My brain thinks that reading about the issues and then glancing through advice from other parents will help me if that problem happens in our house. But mainly, it just makes me worry about big transitions for no reason.

Three weekends ago we took the plunge and bought Izzy a big girl bed, along with a dresser and matching bookshelf. We started to talk to her about moving to her new room with her new big girl bed. We picked out sheets and a comforter for her new full size bed. The next weekend the furniture arrived so we had to rush around the night before moving out the old furniture (it was the spare bedroom). Izzy's new room then sat there for a week while CP was in North Carolina for work. Izzy asked about sleeping in her new bed, but I told her that I had to wash her sheets first. 

Last weekend, despite the fact that CP was going to be away in North Carolina again for work (and thus wouldn't be able to help if things didn't go well with her new bed), we officially moved her into her new room. We moved all of her clothes, books, stuffed animals, etc. and she is absolutely in love. The first test was a nap on Saturday- would she fall asleep or get out of bed? We gave her the one rule with the big girl bed- she couldn't get out and if she needed anything, she could call for Mommy or Daddy (we will obviously have to change this rule when we move her out of naptime and nighttime diapers, but it works for now). Since then, she has yet to get out of bed once we leave the room. 

Here I was worried after reading other stories about having to sit outside the new bedroom (or just the new bed) for days/weeks to make sure that Izzy wasn't getting out of bed and all that worry was for naught. I guess I shouldn't brag just yet since it has only been a week but she seriously loves that bed. And it's nice to curl up with a book to read with her on the bed instead of the glider in the nursery.

Man did we luck out with this little lady. 

She looks so small in her new bed compared to the crib!

Microblog Mondays: Exhaustion

The past few days I have been dead tired. A combination of holiday excitement + getting sick (two days before Christmas Izzy sneezed in my mouth and I caught whatever was going around the 2-year- old room at her daycare) + first trimester pregnancy fatigue + houseguests= complete exhaustion.

How do SAHM take care of their toddlers while pregnant? I try to remind myself that there are women that have been doing this for centuries and that I'm sure compared to most people I have it easy. But wow. If we didn't have houseguests (CP's sister and family) I would be able to take my early afternoon nap and be fine but so far it hasn't happened.

I was actually looking forward to coming to work today because maybe I could nap on the train ride home so that I am not so cranky tonight. Last night was simply bad and I felt like an awful mother. I had Izzy most of the day (everyone went to see Star Wars and then later a brew pub) and didn't get a chance to nap so I was exhausted. It was my night to put Izzy to bed, despite telling CP that I was exhausted, and she just wouldn't behave (knocking things off the bathroom counter, running away from me when I tried to put pajamas on her, etc.). I was not the patient mother I usually can be with her, recognizing that those things are not a big deal and instead snapped at her a few times. When I am that tired I simply can't remember to just take a deep breath. Thankfully Izzy didn't even realize that I was snapping at her, but I need to do better, despite being tired.

I don't remember being this bone tired during my pregnancy with Izzy but I think that the main factor is I could literally sit my butt on the couch and do nothing if I was tired; I didn't have a toddler to run after. Hopefully the fatigue lifts soon as CP is starting to travel again next month and I won't have his help for at least two weeks out of the month.



Want to read more Microblog Mondays? Go here.

Physical vs Emotional

Physical

On Friday around 1pm I took my first dose of Misoprostol- 4 pills vaginally. After only 20-30 minutes I started to cramp so I took two Tylenol 3 and kept working from home. Around 3:30 the cramps were getting worse but no bleeding quite yet. Around 4pm I decided to stop working and lay on the couch as it was getting hard to focus. An hour later I took more pain pills and soon afterwards, I bled a little bit when I went to the bathroom. CP came home with Izzy and took her outside so that I could continue to lay on the couch. I tried to nap but when I would get close to falling asleep, a wave of cramping would hit and wake me up. That night I slept off and on, mostly with a heating pad on my stomach but there was minimal blood- mainly when I would get up to pee.

Saturday I called the answering service to ask if I should take another dose because nothing was really happening. The doctor said that I could take another one or wait until my appointment (Friday). I ended up taking another dose early Saturday afternoon and expecting a night of cramping once again. CP took Izzy most of the day but I was able to go outside and play with Izzy a bit. I was definitely more tired/exhausted than anything else. Without the same pain as the night before, I got a better sleep Saturday night.

Sunday I felt up to breakfast with our friends and pretty soon after that, the second dose started working. I bled heavily Sunday and all of yesterday so I am thinking that it worked? I guess we will find out on Friday.

Emotional

I expected to be more emotional about this miscarriage. Although the more I thought about it and the more that I compared myself to others, I knew that I had it better. First off, I already have Izzy. Just having her makes this so much easier because I can focus on her instead of thinking about the miscarriage. I also had an early miscarriage. If this pregnancy wasn't going to work out in the end anyway but I had to get pregnant, at least my body gave me warning signs so that I wouldn't be surprised. The low first beta, the low progesterone, etc. After the bad first ultrasound, I knew what was going to happen and cried then. It's easier not seeing the heartbeat or having a few ultrasounds where everything looks good to then be surprised with bad news.

I am sad that Izzy's embryo "twin" (I like to think that because they were retrieved during the same cycle) was not healthy enough to become Izzy's little brother or sister (my assumption). I am sad that I am now facing another fresh cycle with wonky hormones and eggs that are two years older than last time. I am sad that my eggs, my response to the drugs, etc. is unknown at this time. I am sad that we have to spend more money on drugs. I am sad that I have to put more drugs in my body. I am sad that we have to wait until my HCG goes down to 0 to start over again. I am sad that I can't just focus on having a healthy pregnancy and that we have to put more time and effort into our family building efforts.

But I have faith that it will be all worth it. 

Annual Pretty Princess Day

Yesterday was my annual Pretty Princess Day (want to know why I call my birthday my Pretty Princess Day? Go here). I'll be honest- it was a lonely day but in the end I couldn't feel too bad about my life.

I worked from home yesterday which meant getting to sleep in a bit. Izzy and I Facetimed with CP before I brought her into daycare...unfortunately CP forgot that it was my birthday until I reminded him (he is in China this week)- bad husband! I soon couldn't feel too sorry for myself because prior to a luncheon speech I had to give for work, I was taken on a tour of a homeless shelter. I have worked in plenty of soup kitchens but this was my first homeless shelter so it was very eye-opening. When I arrived home there were balloons tied to our front door and two cupcakes dropped off by my next door neighbor. It made my day! After picking up Izzy from daycare I did my best to encourage her to say "mommy" or even "ma ma" for my birthday but to no avail. 

Izzy also enjoyed my balloons

Mmmm chocolate cupcake

I realized last night that as my birthdays tick on, they are more and more like regular days....and I guess that I am going to have to get used to that. If that is the least of my worries then I have a pretty good life. Here's to year 36.

9 month body update

I remember when I was pregnant seeing an update from Miss Conception and being surprised that many months later, the after-effects of pregnancy couldn't be ignored. I kept hearing from others about how pregnancy changes your body forever, but I guess I didn't think that it would happen to me?  

HA HA HA HA HA.

Tomorrow Izzy will be 9 months old and she will have been outside of my body longer than she was inside my body. My pre-pregnant self and my pregnant self would have liked to have known these things so here is what has and hasn't changed in the past 9 months (for the 5 month update click here): 

*Although my hair loss only lasted about two months or so, it seems to have all fallen out close to my forehead so I definitely notice a clump of hair on one side of my head that is only about two inches long when I pull my hair back. It will certainly be interesting as it grows out....

*My weight has been consistent for the past 4 months which I guess it's a good thing that I haven't gained any weight since Izzy stopped nursing?  I am still hoping that I can lose at least a few more pounds.

*Biff and Harry the hemorrhoids are STILL THERE.  They don't cause any trouble but seriously, when do they go away???

*I have no more issues with uterine soreness after working out, but my abs are still not very strong.  I think that 9 months of not using your abs/not sucking in your stomach ruins them.  I'm sure a c-section doesn't help matters. I try to remember to suck in my stomach when walking or really doing anything but I often forget. I also should probably be doing some ab work in general...

*Sexy time is back to normal.  It basically got better once I got my period when Izzy was around 5 months old.

*Prior to getting pregnant my boobs were a bit lumpy which made it hard to do monthly self-exams. Then they got huge with pregnancy and nursing.  Currently they are floppy, but even before pregnancy (because of their size) they were floppy so this isn't too much of a change. They have gotten a bit smaller since I am no longer nursing, but I am wearing bras that I wore pre-pregnancy when I was 15 pounds heavier.  That means that my band size and cup size haven't changed despite being lighter.  Whamp whamp. The only change that I truly notice is that they are smoother and less lumpy, so that is sort of nice.

*Yes, there is more on my boobs. My nipples were constantly out during pregnancy and continued to want to show themselves off while I was breastfeeding- it didn't matter if I was cold or hot.  They have retreated slightly but still come out to play more often then they did pre-pregnancy.  

*I still have a lovely pouch above my c-section scar.  I don't think this is going anywhere unless I lose some serious weight.

*I sure ate a lot of Tums during my pregnancy to deal with the heartburn (especially towards the end of the pregnancy), but these days I am not needing to take my charcoal pills very often for heartburn which is great! I have only had to take them probably 3 times in the last 9 months whereas prior to getting pregnant I would probably take them once a month.

*I can still sort of see my stretch marks- they are definitely turning white and no longer are an angry red color. I won't be sad to see these go, although I guess they will never truly go away.

Overall?  I don't hate my new body.  It's certainly different and it still needs work, but I certainly don't fret about my body as much as I did before pregnancy. Who has the time?  

Every time

Every time CP travels to Thailand:

• By the end of the two (this time three) weeks my caffeine consumption is through the roof.
• I am exhausted.
• I am irritable.
• I do not do as much self-care as I should.  I have great intentions when he leaves cooking healthy things and running the first week....but by the second and now the third week I am too run down.  What kind of take out can I order tonight?  Is a mile walk with Buster sufficient for exercise today? Ha.
• I thank my lucky stars that I am not a single mother or a military wife. I seriously don't know how they do it. I mean I do because really, you would just do it. But it would suck even more than my situation.  At least I know an end date of help that is not too far into the future.
• I thank my lucky stars that Izzy is a good sleeper.
• I am glad that I am not a stay at home mom. Although work is stressful and running to/from the train station in order to get the right trains for me to pick up Izzy and Buster on time is stressful, I do get a bit of a break during the day.
• I get annoyed because I can't plan anything in advance. I have been trying to plan something with our friends for weeks now.  We are finally going to get together Labor Day weekend but we haven't seen each other since Memorial Day weekend! Which, WHOA summer is basically over.
• I get frustrated at work because I must leave at a certain time to catch the right train in order to pick everyone up from their daycares (i.e. kid and doggie). That means that even if I am in the middle of something and I am finally on a roll, I have to pack up what I am doing and head off to the train. I don't have a backup for pickup. This also makes it tremendously stressful when the train is running late, or in the case of a few weeks ago, if the train hits and kills someone (it was the train ahead of us but we obviously sat there for a while).
• I try to keep up with housework- vacuuming, laundry, etc but the garden usually gets the shaft as do other errands/chores.
• Buster simply doesn't get as much love because there is only one of me and I haven't seen Izzy all day and only get an hour or so with her at night.  She takes priority until she heads to bed.
• I wonder how the heck I will manage if we have a second child and he travels this much???!??!

Tomorrow CP gets home from his three week work trip.  He missed Izzy crawling, clapping, waving goodbye, pulling up on a step, etc. in person.  He also missed the plague that hit me on Monday morning.  Stomach issues, violent puking, and not being able to keep anything down led me to ask my mom to come to my house after work to help me pick up Izzy at daycare and help me take care of her until she was asleep. Izzy wasn't happy about seeing me but at a distance so I did give in a little bit, but so far she has stayed healthy.  I am still having stomach issues and ate dinner for the first time last night in three days.  Needless to say, I am more than ready for CP to get home.

How am I doing?

Next week it will be 5 months since I gave birth to the most awesome daughter on the planet.  Okay, I *might* be a bit biased. :-) How am I doing?

*Right now I am down 40 lbs from my highest pregnancy weight. That means I weigh about 15-20 lbs less than when I got pregnant!!  I certainly could have been in better shape/weight when I got pregnant, but I was not exercising, eating my unhappiness, and having lots of "fun" with Lupron so it's not too surprising that I weigh less now. I didn't use pregnancy as an excuse to eat all of the things so the 20 pounds that I gained during pregnancy came off quickly.  Currently I am stuck at a weight that is higher than I am happy with, but I'm not eating as healthy as I could be so I can't expect to lose weight unless I eat a bit healthier.

*Unfortunately, Biff and Harry the hemorrhoids are still hanging around. They don't cause any problems and are certainly a lot smaller, but still there. I'm hoping they decide to go away at some point....

*As I mentioned here, I do have some uterine soreness after running. I ended up emailing my doctor to ask if that was normal and she wants me to go in for an appointment.  Ruh roh.  Maybe I shouldn't have said anything?  

*I had hoped that I wouldn't be one of those people who had bigger feet after pregnancy, but it looks like I am one of the unlucky ones.  About half of my shoes still fit....the other half don't.  Thankfully I don't own 10 million pairs of shoes, but it is still annoying. Time to purge the closet and give away things that no longer fit!

*I pulled out a plastic bin of warm weather clothes last week and it was like I went shopping!  I was too pregnant to wear any of the clothes last year so I had forgotten that I even had most of these items.  The good news is even with the pouch I still have over my incision scar (and the chorus of friends telling me that it won't go away any time soon), most of the clothes fit (I think because everything but the pouch is a bit smaller than before).

*The good news about my weight being lower than when I started the pregnancy and that fitting clothes is that I am not feeling too down about my body. Sometimes I get down, but then try to tell myself that it has only been X amount of time since giving birth.  I do wish that I didn't have the stomach pouch and I do wish that my stretch marks on my stomach would start to fade to white, but neither of those things are happening, so I might as well just suck it up.

*Right around Izzy's four month birthday I started losing tons of hair.  I swear I could save all of it up and make a coat out of it after only a month!  I was sort of hoping this postpartum symptom wouldn't hit me because instead of having luxurious hair like you are supposed to during pregnancy, I had dry hair that felt like straw.  But sure enough, I am losing hair and have already been warned that when it does grow back I will have a ton of wispy hairs in the front.  Awesome.

*I'm pretty tired these days.  Izzy is sleeping through the night and is awesome, but there are just not enough hours in the day to get everything done!  I suppose my exhaustion could be a lot of things- breastfeeding/pumping burns calories so my body has to be working a bit harder every day, the lack of a husband the past two weeks because of his work travel, not getting a ton of down time, etc.

*Sex hurts.  Despite having a c-section.  Yes this sucks.

*Despite feeling tired, I'm also feeling pretty lucky.  I'm still amazed by the miracle of science that not only got me pregnant in a lab, but with my body for sustaining a healthy pregnancy the first time around.  My c-section was textbook with no complications. Despite our initial issues with breastfeeding, it is now going well. I also have been lucky enough to be able to run (forget about the uterine soreness).  So far, no postpartum depression. Yep, I'm pretty lucky.

*I was a little worried about what my bra size would be after pregnancy because the two bras that I bought after my rib cage started to really hurt during pregnancy were size 42H!  My largest band size when I was at my heaviest weight was 38 so I was worried that I would always be in the 40s post-pregnancy.  During my maternity leave I only wore soft nursing bras for fear of clogged ducts and other problems, but once I started work I started to wear my underwire pregnancy bras again because they at least fit my cup size (unfortunately they are not nursing bras though so sort of annoying to deal with when nursing/pumping). I finally took a few minutes last week to get sized again and to buy an underwire nursing bra and my current size is 36GG.  So still ridonkulously huge (cup-size wise), but at least my band size is back to normal. 

*It's funny.  I was thinking the other day about how, even over a year after finding out that I was pregnant, I still check the toilet paper in the bathroom.  During pregnancy it was to make sure that I wasn't bleeding.  Then for the past five months it has been to check if I was getting my period back.  This week, after a year and two months since my last period, I don't have to check anymore.  Boooooo.  I was hoping not to get it at all while I was breastfeeding, but I guess almost 5 months is pretty good.

Third trimester recap

With just two days left until my C-section, I am going to assume that I can talk about the third trimester without missing out on anything exciting.  Of course I say that and I am totally going to jinx myself!!

First off, this trimester went by SO QUICKLY.  

Various pregnancy symptoms that occurred throughout the trimester included needing Tums after almost every single meal- often more than just two Tums to fully calm my stomach down.  Stairs often leave me out of breath, so I have just tried to walk up them a bit slower than usual.  I have been able to keep taking long walks with Buster, but about halfway through the trimester I started having to walk slower and would get Braxton Hicks contractions throughout the walk.  Constantly feeling hot this trimester, even if it was only 60 degrees in the house, was insane.  

During my first trimester I had a few black hairs on my chin that seemed to grow back just days after plucking them.  Thanks long-term Lupron shots!  The hair on my head grew really quickly as well.  During the second trimester the rest of my hair on my body and head grew quickly, but not the unwanted hairs on my face.  For the third trimester it was like I was back in the first trimester- legs, bikini area and underarms grew slowly, but the chin hairs were back in business.  :-/

As you guys know, I have been rather busty for a while now.  This is something that only got worse with pregnancy.  When we were little, my mom used tell me and my sister to "Check the deck" when we dropped food on our chest.  I swear I am not a gross eater but I often had to check the deck during this pregnancy (a couple of times I had to check the belly!) as soup or whatever I was eating had dropped onto my body.  Can't take me anywhere!!

At the beginning of the third trimester I had an awful six-day bout with a migraine.  Thank goodness there were baby-friendly drugs that I could take to finally relieve the pain.  I only had to take them twice again the rest of the trimester.

Starting at 30 weeks I spotted my first stretch marks on the bottom of my belly.  As of today there are more of them and they are reaching higher up my stomach, but they are still only on my belly.

At 33 weeks I found two black dots on my right nipple.  A quick check by my OB and it was determined they were normal.

At 34 weeks my engagement ring had to come off.  I'm looking forward to putting BOTH of my rings back on.

Biff decided to join Harry's party at 35 weeks. He still sucks on occasion, but didn't end up inviting any more friends.  I look forward to his and Harry's demise soon.   

At 35 1/2 weeks CP finally got to see the squirming belly.  He was transfixed as my belly moved up, around, and all over the place.  (He had felt the baby move before but hadn't paid too much attention to actually seeing it.)

That same weekend CP and I decided to tackle our last home improvement project before the baby arrived. 

Every single OB visit I have had to give a urine sample.  Every single visit I have somehow managed to get some on my clothes or hands.  Until 36 weeks.  I think that I finally have it down!  Maybe I should have taken more OPK and pregnancy tests- I would have been better at this!

Around 37 weeks- HOLY SORENESS.  Sore in thighs, hips, and lady bits area.  Waddling some days, not waddling other days.  I am the most sore when I first get out of bed in the morning or when I have been sitting for a while and first get up.  This has continued for the past two weeks and isn't super comfortable.  But to be honest, I just try to roll with it as much as possible.  It is what it is.  I shouldn't be sailing through the last few weeks of a pregnancy because that wouldn't be normal.

I'm pretty excited to be having this baby soon because I was too cheap to buy a winter jacket.  I didn't really think that Chicago would not only have snow twice already this fall, but also to have highs in only the 20s!  I have been walking around with my dad's fleece that completely zips up with the outer layer of my ski jacket that only buttons halfway down.  Yep, this is how I have been rolling this month.  It's okay, you can laugh- my sister certainly did!!

Finally, don't tell my doctor but I have been trying not to drink too much water towards the end of the night so that I don't have to get up every hour to pee.  I still get up every 2-3 hours so I am not completely dehydrated, but it is still ridiculous.  I'm looking forward to not having a little person pressing on my bladder 24/7.

All of this being said, pregnancy has been an amazing and wonderful experience.  To see my body go through a huge transformation has been crazy and I feel SO, SO lucky that it has gone so well.  To this day, I am still amazed that our first IVF worked.  As I now transfer into becoming a mother in two short days, I will continue to cheer those of you still in the trenches. Thanks for sticking with me!!

You suck Biff

(You may not want to be eating when you read this)

I am very sad to report that Harry the Hemorrhoid has a new and unwelcome friend. Since I last talked about Harry, he has been a quiet tenant, really the best kind of hemorrhoid tenant you can have if you are unfortunate enough to get one.  He hasn't tried to make his presence felt for the most part and I was crossing my fingers that he would be the only surprise visitor during this pregnancy.  He really seemed like a loner and quite content to spend his days quietly hanging out to himself  (ha ha hanging).

Unfortunately, there is a new hemorrhoid in town and I have decided to name him Biff.  Biff is quite the bully and the worst tenant imaginable.  He is bigger than Harry and wants to make sure that I know that he has moved in for the long haul.  I fear that Biff may be a partier and may try to get others to crash this pregnancy as well.  :-(

I continue to not push when going to the bathroom.  I continue to not be constipated.  I continue to use the wipes with witch hazel that were helping until this weekend.  I even bought Preparation H cream to put on Biff which seemed to help a little bit, but made me feel like I was leaking something out of my butt (which I actually think is a worse feeling than the leaking from the Crinone).  I have been on numerous websites about what to do for hemorrhoids during pregnancy and the only thing that I haven't tried is a sitz bath, which can be as simple as sitting in your bathtub with warm water- I may try that tonight if I don't start to feel better.  People who go through vaginal births may talk about having to get through the "ring of fire", but I have a ring of fire going on 24/7!  Sometimes it hurts to sit.  I have now started to either hover or only put one cheek on the toilet seat because sitting down while peeing hurts too much.  And for someone that is going to the bathroom every hour while awake, the hovering is working my thigh muscles (which haven't seen a squat for exercise purposes in over 8.5 months)!

All joking aside, this really stinks.  I keep telling myself that some people have it much worse and that I should stop complaining.  That it is a very common pregnancy problem.  But it's just not a comfortable feeling and my ability to just run with whatever is going on in my body is lessening as the days tick on.  I wouldn't say that I am uncomfortable just yet (currently only in the Harry/Biff region), but my uterus has definitely been hurting more than usual these days.  And while I have been sleeping, I randomly woke up an hour before the alarm today and couldn't go back to sleep.  So I'm a bit cranky.

So yeah.....Biff you suck!!

No travel

While I hate the term "babymoon" CP and I threw around the idea of heading somewhere fun for one last time before the baby arrives.  From all of CP's traveling around the globe for work in the past year, he already has two free tickets to anywhere in the world except for Australia/New Zealand.  So we researched and thought about taking a long weekend somewhere fun.  That meant a flight shorter than 6 hours to cut down on travel time.

Our first thought was Ecuador to a place we contemplated going to earlier this year, but couldn't get off the wait list. But maybe we could look into going in July or August?  Then our hopes were dashed by finding many articles online about NOT traveling to places with malaria while pregnant.  My doctor agreed that taking malaria medicine while pregnant is not advisable, but in addition, the medicine is not 100% effective and to get malaria while pregnant could be no bueno.

So, Ecuador was out.  That also meant basically all of Central America as well.  Boooo.

So then we started thinking about closer places, such as Santa Fe, New Mexico or the Canadian Rockies.  But then my doctor also dashed our hopes for those trips as well.  While it is safe to travel to a high altitude location while pregnant, it would take me longer to acclimate (48-72 hours) and by the time I was finally not huffing and puffing as much, the trip would be over.  Double boooo.  We decided that it wouldn't be worth it.  Not traveling into the altitude also meant having to send our regrets for a friend's wedding in Telluride, CO for Fourth of July weekend.

From there our discussion turned to whether we should even take one last trip as a couple.  Around that time we signed a contract to get all new windows throughout the house (installation is this week- YES!!).  We also met with a number of siding companies and signed a contract to get all new siding and gutters to replace the awful, old, dented, faded aluminum siding on our house (anticipated start date- late July/early August).  With the prospect of spending a whole LOT of money this summer on the house, well, maybe a trip was not in the cards.  Adding to this discussion is the fact that CP gets no paternity leave.  He has to save up his vacation time and even then, will probably not be able to take the full two weeks all at once.  Grrrrrr.

This discussion made me very sad.  While I realize that this is the smart, responsible thing to do, I don't get away from the house and all of the responsibilities very often.  While work travel is not always fun, CP has been to a bunch of new and different countries recently and I'm jealous.  

I suggested getting away for our anniversary in the beginning of October.  A place within driving distance (I will be 7 months pregnant at the time), using my parents as dog sitters, and just spending two nights together away from the house.  No time taken off and a relatively inexpensive weekend.  We'll see if it ends up happening....

Feelings

Lately I have been having a lot of thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy.

Not belonging: I felt out of place and had a weird feeling when I went to see the OB last week.  Despite having my records from my RE faxed over that clearly stated that I was pregnant, I felt like I didn't belong. Later when I got my ultrasound done, my OB came in to check on how things were going. I know she wanted to see how the SCH was doing and I really appreciate that she is going to be more involved than my RE, but a thought passed through my mind that she came in because she didn't really believe that I was pregnant and had to see for herself.  Maybe I will soon start to believe that I am actually pregnant?  Maybe it  is because I don't have morning sickness that I go about my day thinking that everything is normal and that I am not pregnant?  Other than my bigger boobs and my constant need to pee, I really feel very normal.  Maybe the realization that I am pregnant won't hit me until I have a baby belly?  Until then I guess I am going to feel like a fake.

Guilt: When I would come back from RESOLVE meetings I would sometimes tell CP about some of the other women/couples. My theory was that I knew how we might have a potentially long and tough road ahead with IVF from reading blogger stories and from hearing stories of women in the RESOLVE group. I was trying to prepare him for the possibility that things wouldn't go well. Well, what do you know- I get pregnant on the first IVF try. I know that I am incredibly lucky and I obviously wouldn't want it any other way, but I also feel like CP doesn't get how hard this process is for some couples. Sure we didn't have a positive pregnancy test for almost three years....but I still feel as if we got off easy (forgetting the major surgery I had to have of course).  I didn't get completely hormonal from the IVF drugs, I didn't get OHSS, I wasn't in a lot of pain after the retrieval, and we had no problems with the transfer.  Of course I am happy about all of those things, but maybe I'm feeling a little guilty because so far the IVF process has been drama-free.  Other than the SCH, I'm not sure this could have gone any better?  And I still feel guilty about all of you that have been trying so hard- why was I lucky on my first shot?

Protective: As we inch closer and closer to the end of the first trimester, I get more and more protective of the pregnancy (despite still not believing that there is in fact a baby in me). My worry that the pregnancy will be snatched away at the last minute also increases. There is nothing I can do about it and I really try to stay positive, but there is still a chance of miscarrying from a chromosomal abnormality.  Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks and I'm just really worried that we will come so close to then be crushed at the last second.  I could see this being a theme throughout the pregnancy if it continues....getting more and more nervous as I get closer to milestones such as big ultrasounds, viability, and of course delivery.

Are any of these normal feelings?

Thankful

Today of all days is a day that I am very thankful for my health and my life. CP and I have had our infertility struggle, but otherwise we are healthy and happy.

Meanwhile I have two friends that can't say the same thing. 

One friend is s friend from college. He played on the football team with my ex-boyfriend and was the nicest guy in the world. Fairly soon after college he started to get sick and thought that he may have Lyme disease. Unfortunately, it turned out that he has ALS (aka Lou Gehrig's Disease). He has gone from a strong, muscular athlete to a gaunt man in a wheelchair. I'm not sure how he keeps his spirits up, but despite his recent hospitalizations, surgeries, etc he still has a smile on his face. I fear that he is not long for this world....when he does pass it will be a shame that someone so nice and thoughtful will no longer be around to brighten everyone's day.

My other friend is a law school friend that is right now in brain surgery. He had a seizure in court a few weeks ago and after undergoing tests, doctors found a brain tumor in his frontal lobe. My friend has kept his spirits up- making fun of himself and his recent forgetfulness, calling his tumor "Joffrey" (the name of an evil king from Game of Thrones), and asking friends what his doctor should tweak in his brain while he is in there. He has no idea what he is going to be like when he gets out of surgery. Can he work? Will he have a different personality? Will he lose some major brain function?  Will the tumor be benign?  It's insane.

So today I will be busy sending all kinds of good thoughts to my friends. Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you just have to look around to see how good you have it.

Exhausted

Yesterday I finally got a day off from working on Sandy disaster efforts and it couldn't have come at a better time.  I was mentally exhausted.  I can't go too much into it, but it's frustrating when you are the only person (at least it seems like) going the extra step (or more) for these people that have already suffered enough.  People around me (not from my company) were telling me, "Oh that's not what we were told to do."  So you have to be told to give a sh*t?  *sigh*

I'm also physically exhausted after working so many days in a row. I'm not sure why because I'm sitting all day, but 10 hour work days plus the commute and going out for dinner every night leaves little down time. Only a glass of wine seems to help in slowing down my brain down after a tense day. I never thought that working on the weekends would lead to not knowing what day it is! Needless to say, it's probably going to be a really good thing that I get back into Chicago on a Friday so that I have the weekend to decompress after these last two weeks.

I can't complain too much though because, of course, I have it way better than Sandy victims.  And being back on the East Coast has meant getting to see a few friends and family when I do have time off.  After finishing work on New Years Eve I headed up to CT to see friends and celebrate the New Year with them.  I loved having a home cooked meal as it has now been a while!  Then last night I headed into the city to have dinner at Ed's Lobster Bar (delicious!) with my aunt, uncle, and cousin.  I originally thought that I would go do something in NYC since I had the whole day, but a day of doing laundry, watching football, and sleeping in was more of what I needed!!

CP always tells me that traveling for work is not as glamorous as it sounds.  After my first two week work trip, I would have to agree with him.  Eating out for every meal, not having the comforts of home, and being on a totally different schedule in a new city gets old (especially if you are not even IN a major city*).  Not to mention spending time with coworkers that you either have never met or have had limited time with in the past and having to deal with their crazy quirks, backgrounds, annoying habits, and opinions- YIKES.  One of my coworkers is perpetually late, asks inane questions, and tries to make himself more important than he is.  I'm trying to hold back my snark and b*tchiness when talking to him but it's hard when you are already mentally and physically exhausted.

And don't get me started on missing CP and the puppies.  I Facetimed with CP last night and like the crazy dog people were are, I talked to the dogs.  It seemed to confuse them more than anything (where is that voice coming from??), but they at least recognized that it was me.  :-)

I'm definitely looking forward to early Friday morning when I head back to Chicago.  I'll get to have a quick 24 hours with CP before he leaves for his two-week work trip around the world, but at least while he is gone I will be HOME with the puppies.  I think that I will have to check back on this post when I'm feeling jealous of some of his work trips to remember that maybe, just maybe, the fact that he is in Asia, Europe, South America, etc is not as cool as one might think.

Do you travel a lot for work?  What are your tips on staying sane?

*I'm actually staying on Long Island and I don't have a car- my coworker has to drive me to/from work!

Working in New York

It’s Sunday so I’m not sure how many people are going to be reading, but I thought that I would post anyway.

·        I made it out to NYC this week without too much of a problem.  We did have to sit on the runway for over an hour before we took off which just meant that I was able to catch about four episodes of the Real Housewives of Miami (thanks for the free tv Jet Blue!).* I’ve now taken about 10 million forms of public transportation since I got here and as predicted, the people are certainly unusual.  Yesterday morning when I got on the Long Island Rail Road to head to work three teenagers got into the same car as me.  One of them was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, another was missing his t-shirt and just had on shorts (it was 25 degrees out).  All three had what looked like glow paint on their faces and bodies- I’m guessing they were at a rave last night.  Seeing them shivering and looking ridiculous was just another reminder to not do drugs.  :-)  

·        On the same train car an older man got on ranting and raving about nonsense while drinking Four Loko.  A couple months ago I decided to try Four Loko just to see what it tasted like and not only do I NOT want to drink it at night, but I have no desire to be drinking it at 7:45am either.  Yikes.

·        These two weeks here helping Sandy victims are going to be quite emotional and mentally tough.  These people have lost so much and even two months later almost everyone I spoke to yesterday still wasn’t living in their house.  Contractors had come through to demo everything down to the studs, but because they were waiting on insurance checks, construction loans, etc. and their homes had no heat or electricity, they were still living in small apartments with too many people, hotels, or with friends/family/ex-family.  I’m glad that I am here to help but I wish that I could do more.  I guess it’s a good thing that my Lupron shot didn’t arrive into my clinic before I left for NY because I would probably be bawling along with the people here.

·        I have a couple of coworkers also out here in NY with me- one of them I met back in June when I was in DC for a training.  I’m glad that he is here because he is closer to my age than my other coworkers and he will be a fun guy to grab a beer with after work.  However, he has told me several times that things with his wife aren’t going well and he’s basically just sticking around for the kids.  I get the feeling that he is telling me this not just in a friendly way, so I try to work my husband into the conversation as much as possible!  I hope it’s just me reading too much into the conversation and his flirty ways, but I want to make sure to give him the FRIENDS ONLY I AM IN A HAPPY MARRIAGE signal as much as possible.

·        It looks like I will have New Years Day off so I am most likely heading up to CT tomorrow after work.  I’m looking forward to getting out of NYC, seeing friends, and stalking my old house to see if they have done anything to it since we sold it in August.  :-)

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- I'm working all weekend!

*I don't usually watch RHOM but one of the episodes happened to focus on Lisa who has had three miscarriages while trying to have a baby.  I only saw the few episodes on the plane but it seems like she is representing infertile women well.

CP's last night in CT

Tonight is CP’s last night in CT.  I can’t believe that he is leaving for IL already.  All of his clothes are gone from our closet which completely weirded me out this morning.  He has been enjoying his week of freedom from work, even if it has been 90+ degrees for the past three days.

We are headed to a friend’s house tonight to hang out before CP leaves early tomorrow morning.  I know that it is silly, but I am likely to cry tomorrow morning as he is leaving because I won’t see him for three weeks.  And even then, my trip out to Chicago in mid-July will be a quick long weekend to house hunt.  I know that there are plenty of people that go long periods to time without seeing their significant others, so three weeks to those people is nothing.  But I function a lot better when I am in the same state as my husband.

Living in our house without him is going to be weird.  He had to teach me how to use our lawn mower a few days ago- that machine and I are not going to be friends.  And today when I get home from work I get to learn how to use the weed wacker- joy! (eye roll)  The sugar snap pea plants, the green pole bean plants, the yellow wax bean plants, the lettuce, and the swiss chard plants are currently growing like crazy in this weather- I have no idea how I am going to keep up with eating everything without him!  The dogs are definitely going to miss him and I will miss that he gets up early to take them out on the weekends.  :-)

My saving grace is that I will still be around friends- hopefully I will stay nice and busy while he is gone so that I don’t have to dwell on it too much.  While I won’t starve without him, I certainly will not eat as well as when he is around.  Yesterday he even made me a big pot of chili so that would have food through the weekend (awww he is so sweet).  I have already stocked up on Ramen for those days that I just don’t want to cook.*

So if my writing sounds sad or depressed until August 3^rd when I pack up the car with my clothes and the dogs for what should be a really fun day drive (insert another eye roll), you know why.

*Yes I realize Ramen is NASTY and processed, but it is also inexpensive and we are trying to save money for a larger down payment in Chicago.  Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Approved

Sorry for my absence most of last week.  My training down in DC went great.  I really felt like I could give great suggestions and be part of the conversation.  There were fellow employees in the room that were much like me when I first started here- like a deer in headlights.  They will learn in a few years.  :-)

When I wasn’t kicking butt in training, I got to catch up with close friends that live in DC.  I met my best friend’s new boyfriend and another friend’s new girlfriend.  I also met my friend’s 9 month old child.  I went to delicious restaurants- including Founding Farmers, an amazing farm to table restaurant that also serves the greatest drinks!  My favorite is the Organic Cucumber Delight made out of Cap Rock Organic Vodka, cucumbers and cantaloupe.  Yum!  But the bartender also mixed us up a gin, dill, cucumber, and some other stuff drink that was really good too (and I don’t like gin).

While I was down in DC, the head of my division came to say hi and meet everyone.  I had never met her before, but when I introduced myself, I believe I saw a little flicker in her eye of recognition that I was the person asking for a transfer out to Chicago.  Then when we were leaving on Friday, she gave a short speech about how so many of us were the future of the agency….”people like Julia and Non Sequitur Chica.”  That gave me a little hint that maybe I would get transferred??

Amazingly enough, the approval letter for my transfer came in yesterday.  You don’t understand how much weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Despite the fact that I am not in love with my job, I really didn’t want to have to look for another one in the midst of moving and trying to sell our house.  Not to mention with trying to get pre-approved for a mortgage with both of us starting new jobs….  So a big THANK YOU to my job for coming through with the quickest transfer approval ever so that I didn’t have a heart attack.

I feel like this move to Chicago is definitely meant to be.  With the headhunter’s call, everything has fallen in place with the new job offer, my transfer, and the interest so far from people in our house.  Now if only the good luck would extend to our efforts to conceive…..