My 41st birthday

Let me tell you all about my annual pretty princess day this year (aka my birthday) on December 10th. CP was in MA for a work trip and I was working from home. The day was pretty normal and boring until I got a call at 2pm from a local number. Turns out it was the nurse for Izzy's school. She proceeded to tell me that Izzy was in her office and that she was sorry she was going to ruin my day....but that Izzy had lice.

OMG. I felt absolutely TERRIBLE because Izzy had been itching her scalp for the previous two weeks or so but lice didn't even cross my mind. She has eczema issues so I chalked it up to dry scalp and had started to use Head & Shoulders on her for a few baths. It turns out she was in class and PULLED A LICE BUG OUT OF HER HAIR and told her teacher about it. OMG OMG OMG.

I IMed my boss and coworkers about the call to let them know that I wouldn't be working the rest of the afternoon and headed over to the school to go pick Izzy up. I felt like a TERRIBLE mom. How could I not have seen bugs in Izzy's hair? I brush and put a braid in her hair almost every day!! The nurse could not have been nicer and told me that the buggers are actually pretty fast and hide from the light. She gave me a bunch of tips and was even nice enough to check my hair to see if I had lice too. Izzy and I immediately went to the drug store where I bought the hair wash and a comb that zaps the bugs. 

I spent the next two hours working on Izzy's hair. I put A LOT of the treatment into Izzy's hair vowing the seriously kill the f*ckers. After the requisite amount of time, she got in the bath and we got to see the carnage. I counted at least 30 adult and teenage lice bugs and then felt even more terrible that I didn't catch this sooner. Izzy started to get freaked out that there were so many dead bugs in the bath with her so we switched to a shower. Afterwards I then spent a long time combing out her hair to get all of the nits. She has pretty long hair so it took a while. I also gave myself a treatment just in case before we went to pick up Wes. 

We were supposed to go out to dinner that night but I nixed those plans and we had leftovers. I also started loads and loads of laundry. The highlight of the day was listening to Izzy sing the Philadelphia Eagles fight song for me (she just needed help spelling at the end).

For the next week or so I would go through Izzy's hair at night. Thankfully CP was able to come home a day earlier than expected (Thursday instead of Friday)- after the lice issue in addition to an urgent care visit Sunday night (only a few hours after CP left) for Wes after he split open his chin, all I wanted to do was tap out on parenting.

Let's hope my 42nd birthday is much better than my 41st!

TX bullet style

11 days into my time down here in TX and here is how it is going (bullet-style):

• So far my shortest day working was 11 hours and a lot of that was driving from Austin to Houston and then back the same day after a meeting. Most days it has been at least 12 hours. My first day off is tomorrow and I can’t wait!

Buc-ee's gas station  on the way back to Austin. It literally has the largest number of gas pumps I have ever seen and it was like a Walmart inside. Weird.

• This time I am more removed from the survivors which is sort of nice as I’m not as emotionally exhausted this time around (more mentally exhausted from the long hours), but I don’t think that it is quite as satisfying. Today I called 10 people affected by the storm and I was hopefully able to help at least one of them with a furniture bank for hurricane survivors.
• I’m pretty sure I have gained 10 pounds since coming down here. I’m not eating while working but I’m eating out two meals a day and that is not helping. 

Don't try this when you come to TX. It tastes terrible- like cough syrup.

Last night I went to the grocery store and picked up these things and I’m crossing my fingers that they are somewhat decent. Anyone ever have them before?

Can't seem to turn these but you just have to stick them in the microwave and they are basically just veggies. Will try one tonight. Please be good.

• I keep telling myself that I will wake up early to work out and it just hasn’t happened. So I haven’t run since my 15K almost two weeks ago (shakes head). One night I did try to do some squats/ kick boxing moves just to keep moving. Most of my day is spent in front of a computer- I’m seriously averaging only 3-4K steps per day- and my body is totally rebelling. I feel terrible.
• My coworker this time around is very nice and thankfully not a creeper like last time. He has two kids right around the same ages as Izzy and Wes so it’s easy to relate.
• CP seems to be doing okay with Izzy, Wes, and his mom. His mom is dropping the kids off in the morning and CP is picking them up at night (which is our arrangement). Lucky duck. His mom is cleaning the house too. I’m so jealous that he has the help. He still seems tired and tense- imagine if he didn’t have his mom!
• I thought Izzy would be pretty good talking on the iPad, but half the time she is more interested in some art project. One night I called and said “Hey Izzy I’ll be home in 12 days.” She replied, “Twelve days is a long time Mommy.” Cue Mom guilt.
• Wes is definitely better at talking on the iPad than Izzy was at the same age. He loves to give the iPad wet kisses and I’m pretty sure when waving goodbye last night he also said “bye bye” (all the adults heard it but he refused to say it again).
• That being said, 11 days is a long time to spend away from your kids. It feels like a lot longer already and I still have a week left.
• The good news is that working this disaster will help me in the future- both with my job in Chicago and having the opportunity to work future disasters (not necessarily moving up but in some of the work that I do).
• I have now been to Corpus Christi, Houston, and San Antonio (but only spend a few minutes in each city before going to a meeting or driving through). Tomorrow I will get to explore Austin more in-depth with friends on my day off. 

Inside the Alamo (San Antonio)

Microblog Mondays: Time to work out

Wes has been outside my body longer than he was inside despite the fact that he isn't quite 9 months old yet (Saturday). For a while now, I have been unhappy with the way my body has been looking. At this point with Izzy I was running consistently and felt more in shape. These days I'm just happy when I hit 10,000 steps on my FitBit and I'm consistently weighing about 5 pounds heavier than just a few months ago. Having to take Buster on shorter walks because of his partially torn ACLs doesn't help.

While things are absolutely insane with my life right now, dropping nursing has added at least a few minutes to my day and hopefully my boobs will get a little smaller in the next month or so (but I'm not holding my breath). So yesterday I decided that with the weather getting nicer, it's time to revamp my eating habits and start to exercise when I can.

The gym is out of the picture since we are 20 minutes away in our rental place, but that's why the internet is so awesome. I have little time so I need something fast but intense. I originally saw a Betty Rocker advertisement on Facebook (I think a friend "liked" her page so I saw it?) and thought it would be something fun to do with my best friend before her wedding. I kept saying that I was going to start, but never did (meanwhile, she finished 20 days of the 30 day challenge).

Well, yesterday on my walk with Buster I decided that I was sick of my weak stomach muscles that were destroyed by two pregnancies. I didn't want to look at bat wings in the mirror this summer. I didn't want to feel weird about wearing a bathing suit to the pool that all of our neighbors also frequent. It was time to get healthy- not just for me but to set a good example for Izzy and Wes. So, after the walk while the kids were still napping I put on my workout clothes and did Day 1 of the Betty Rocker 30 day free challenge. Today I feel sore in all of the right places which is always the sign of a good workout. I can't imagine that I am going to do all 30 days in a row, but hope to finish the 30 days soon!!

Losing weight and toning up is not just about working out though so my eating habits need to get better. I don't necessarily have as much of a plan for that as I should but simply eating smaller portions and focusing on eating more fruits and vegetables should help.

Wish me luck! Anyone want to join me?

Want to read more Microblog Mondays? Go here.

Two major changes

Yesterday was a big day in the NSC household. 

The fence surrounding the back of our property went up and construction should hopefully start on Monday (the general contractor is still waiting for a few permits from our city- hopefully they come through by the end of this week).

Good thing we are moving out on Saturday because we can't get into the back yard for Buster to go to the bathroom. We are also trying to figure out whether we can sneak the lawnmower back there to mow the lawn so that we don't have a jungle by the time we move back in three months!

The other major change is that last night was the last time I will ever nurse a kid. :-( Earlier this week I nursed Wes in the morning and when he pulled off, frustrated that there was no milk, I had to go make him a bottle so that he would stop crying. I realized at that point that I really didn't have enough milk to continue. So last night, I nursed Wes before giving him a little formula, knowing that this was it. 

It's making me emotional to write about it because it is my fault that we are stopping at this point. I should have been better about pumping while I was away from him in January and February (5 times a day was not enough). I should have pumped more while at work. I should have gotten a new pump after he was born instead of using the two that I used with Izzy because I think that they were starting to die. So many should haves, but it is time to move on. I will be gone on a one night trip away for work today so it's a good time to make a hard stop. I assume it will be easier this way than to wait until he is crying for a bottle in a few days.

Unlike last time, I don't think that I am going to have much trouble stopping. I haven't had aching breasts, hard breasts, and I haven't had to relieve myself. To me, that is a sure sign that my milk is drying up which is the polar opposite of last time. I think that if I use one bag of frozen milk every day we will make it to his 9 month birthday. I know at some point I will be proud of the fact that I was able to nurse my kids for 7.5 and 8.5 months, but I do think that it will take a while to get over just not being able to keep up my supply for Wes. I know that he will be fine in the end.....

Getting emotional

I am starting to get emotional and I think that I know what is going on in my body. My body is starting to shut down production of milk and it is going to make me hormonal for a while (at least if it is anything like my experience with Izzy).

When I look back on this blog, around 7 months with Izzy I was pumping close to 20oz A DAY. Half a month later she went on her nursing strike. The last time I pumped (a little over a week ago so right around Wes' 8 month birthday) I only got 2 oz in about 20 minutes of pumping. Wes shows no signs of wanting to stop nursing but yet I feel as if my supply is barely hanging on by a thread. It's really not fair and I can't help but feel guilty that my trips away in January and February where I had to pump instead of nurse killed my supply. Dropping pumps during the work day certainly hasn't helped...but it has made me much happier.

While I am really sad about the fact that my supply is drying up, I am unwilling to pump- something that if I started to do again religiously I probably could increase my supply at least a little bit. Sometimes being a working mom is so hard. If I could just nurse all day then I'm sure that I would have a much better supply and I could feed Wes a smaller amount of formula than what he is currently drinking. I would have no problems doing that. But pumping? I think that I hate pumping even more this time around than I did last time.

Once again, I should try to think of the benefits to not nursing anymore. I get a few minutes in the morning back. I can put Izzy to bed more often instead of Wes every night. I have an overnight work trip at the very end of this month where I won't have to worry about pumping. I can get off the crappy minipill that makes me bleed for 2-3 weeks a month and go on a pill where I would only get my period four times a year. 

When my supply does go, I'm sure that I will shed more than one tear. I have about 20 bags of breastmilk in the freezer so Wes will continue to get milk for a little over half a month. That will have to be enough. I made it further than I did with Izzy and although I am not ready to stop (ONCE AGAIN), I will eventually be okay.

Annual Pretty Princess Day

Tomorrow is my annual pretty princess day* but I don't really feel like celebrating. I have been sick for a few weeks now, finally heading into the doctor last Friday. I had a horrible cough that would be so forceful that I would turn red, couldn't stop coughing, and would be close to throwing up. The cough hasn't really gone away, I have tons of pressure in my head, my ears are plugged up, and I can't taste or smell anything. I have bronchitis and a sinus infection.

I don't have any sick time or much vacation time because I had to use it for maternity leave so I don't have the luxury of taking time off work to try to get better...not to mention that my boss and his boss are out of the office this week on a work trip so I am the only supervisor for our division. I did take one day off last week to try to rest but with CP traveling to Puerto Rico last week and then North Carolina this week I can't get enough sleep to kick what I have. The antibiotics that I finally started on Monday are so far not helping and I'm assuming it will be a waste of time taking them. In addition, I have to add a probiotic to one of Wes' daycare bottles each day because the antibiotic can pass to him through my breastmilk and can cause diarrhea and/or a rash. So far he seems okay other than a cough and possibly starting to teethe (he "threw up" his bottle at daycare yesterday but I wonder if it was really throw up or simply spit up as he seemed fine last night). Meanwhile, Izzy is totally stuffed up and has an ear infection.

I did have a girls night planned with friends last Friday that I didn't end up attending because I felt so terrible and tomorrow night we have a neighbor's party where I probably will go but won't be much fun because I am so rundown. After getting in sort of a groove with running (as much as you can get in one when you only have time to run twice a week), I haven't gone on a run since the day before Thanksgiving. I hate feeling this way, but I'm not sure what I can do about it. I just have to push through like usual. I know that this is a first world problem as I will end up getting better but I just hope that it is soon. I'm not totally with it at work, my milk production is down (I assume from trying to fight the virus and from the small amount of Halls I have eaten?), I am so so tired, and I'm just not myself.

I've already told CP that I don't want to eat out, have him cook anything special, or get a cake until I can freaking taste my food again so hopefully we can celebrate next weekend? Friends are having a big party and I would like to drink at it- especially because last year I was secretly pregnant for the party and couldn't join in the fun!

So what's on tap for tomorrow? Taking Izzy to soccer practice, probably doing some holiday errands, then our neighbor's party. What I wouldn't give for a nice, long nap....

It's on to age 38 tomorrow. What is in store for me this coming year?

*Curious as to why I call my birthday my annual pretty princess day? Basically it is because CP hates it and now years later, it has stuck. LOL.

Rough Week

This has been a rough week. I dropped Wes off at daycare on Monday feeling terrible because we probably should have done a half day at daycare before dropping him off for an almost 11 hour day. He did fine but I had tremendous guilt despite the fact that we did the same exact thing to Izzy when she was three months old. (She was our first so how were we to know?) CP left for Colombia early Monday morning so he hasn't been able to help at all. Izzy was excited to have Wes join her at daycare but a couple of times this week as I go to leave her in her classroom she has been crying and desperately clinging to me. Hopefully it gets better next week when her best friend re-joins the class.

I have had little to no time to relax this week which hasn't helped. My schedule is essentially this:

Wake up at 5 and shower if Wes is still sleeping (if not, nurse him then shower). Wake up Wes to change him, then nurse, then pump. Head downstairs to finish making breastmilk bottles from dishwasher, let Buster out and feed him, eat a banana. Back upstairs to wake Izzy up at 6:30 to help her get dressed and into the car hopefully a few minutes before 7. Drop off Buster and kids (separate daycares of course) and catch the train putting me into work almost 3.5 hours after getting up for the day. I run to the train after work pick up Buster and then grab the kids around 5:45. We get home and I have to heat up/make dinner for me and Izzy, feed Buster, Facetime with CP, nurse Wes a few times, and hold him because he is understandably wanting cuddle time after a long day away from me. I try to get Izzy into bed by 8-8:30 and how much of a chore that becomes with screaming, hitting, and crying depends on whether she napped at daycare or not. I then work on putting Wes to bed, generally by 9pm. Then it is downstairs to clean up from dinner and get ready for the next day. My only time to "unwind" is during my two 35-40 minute train rides and between preparing for the next day and bed- but of course I can't take too long to do so because then I will be even more exhausted the next day.

The house doesn't get any cleaner, no laundry gets done, and Buster is essentially ignored. Not every week is going to be like this and I know it will get better but damn it is tough. Not to mention Izzy was up until almost 1am last night crying because her stomach hurt from a new antibiotic we are giving her to try to get her sinus infection to go away (I ended up having her sleep in my bed so that I could get some sleep).

Meanwhile at work I am trying to catch up on all of my projects while writing performance reviews for all six of my employees.

CP gets home tonight and I. Can't. Wait.

Despite all of that, I feel terrible for complaining. I still have it better than a lot of people in so many ways. *sigh*

This is hard

I'd like to think that I was doing well parenting two kids but to be honest, I feel like I am barely scraping by.

Mornings are not too bad. Sure I'm tired when either Wes or Izzy gets me up for the day, but there is always the hope or prospect of a nap later in the day (even if the opportunity never happens). Sometimes I need to feed Wes in the middle of getting Izzy dressed and off to school but a lot of times he is sleeping which is really helpful. Thank goodness she is patient and will do something ("read" a book, have me read her a book, play with a toy, etc) while I am nursing.

How competent I feel as a mother during the day really depends on the day. Last weekend I went up to MI with my mom on a Thursday night because CP was out of town for work and it was nice to get some help on Friday. My dad stopped by  my home earlier in the day and reported back to my mom that I seemed "overwhelmed." (This was with just Wes home.) After a disastrous drive down to the city to pick up my mom (Wes screamed the entire time before crying himself to sleep 10 minutes before getting to their house), we stopped to nurse, then he cried most of the way to MI despite my mom's best efforts to put a pacifier in his mouth or calm him down. On Friday Wes had a crying fit during the day and my mom agreed that Izzy was never this difficult. I was actually happy because at least someone else understood what I have been going through.

Another day Wes essentially nursed from 10am to 5pm. I barely got lunch in (he cried the entire time while I ate) and barely peed. Needless to say I got nothing done that day. But then the past two days have been more pleasant and I feel more competent. So maybe we are turning a corner?

Nighttime is always difficult. Especially with CP being gone the past three weeks (during the work week), I never feel like I do a good job of balancing the attention Izzy needs while balancing a hungry Wes. I tend to rush Izzy through the bedtime routine and I think she knows it. On days that he is more calm I can read an extra book or spend a little more time with her, but there are some nights where I am bouncing a crying Wes on me, singing Izzy her songs, just counting down the seconds until I can go downstairs and only deal with one child.

I know that this is just a phase- and a tough one at that while we try to get into a routine as a family of four (or three if CP is gone). How competent I feel really depends on how sleep deprived I am. If I was ever being tortured and was also sleep deprived I would give up state secrets in a second!

But man that guilt is tough. Guilt for not wanting to be on maternity leave anymore. Guilt from wanting to get away from your son (even for a few minutes) to get a break. Seeing other new moms on FB isn't helping because they seem to have their shit together way more than me. I know that what people post isn't always an indication of what is really gong on at home, but still. 

In other words, this shit is hard. I haven't be able to post as much as I would like here because getting onto a computer is hard these days when you are needed so often for nursing. I'm crossing my fingers that the worst is behind us but I think that the transition to working mom with two kids will be tough in two weeks as well. I hate that I feel less bonded to Wes than I did to Izzy at this point. I know I shouldn't compare the two kids but it is hard not to. I hate that I am wishing that time would speed up past this hard part. I hate that I am not sad that this is my last newborn. I should be soaking up all of the last "firsts" but instead I am doing the opposite.

I'm not sure how else to wrap up this post other than it may look like I have my shit together these days but it is actually the complete opposite.

Good and Bad

Good: Izzy is feeling much better after her tough Superbowl Sunday ear infection. She is back to normal.

Bad: CP has now come down a fever/sore throat combo which kept him out of work yesterday and had him come home halfway through the day on Monday. He is headed to the doctor today and hopefully he starts to feel better soon.

Good: Last year we set up a dependent care account through my work. The max we can put in is $5000 but we almost quadruple that amount in daycare expenses. I submitted the forms last week and we already got paid! That money allowed us to pay off our car loan on the Prius (we had already paid the car off before but took out another low interest loan through our credit union to pay for siding our house a few years ago). Now we are back to one car payment again. YAY!

Bad: This weekend as I was backing out of our driveway in the minivan I was veering away from the Prius but hit a small retaining wall, scratching up and slightly knocking the front bumper (on one side) out of whack. I was so pissed. The leftover amount of money from the dependent care claim will likely go towards fixing it. Ugh.

Good: We leave for Hawaii in two days! Izzy is very excited to wear her "swimming suit" and to not have to wear a coat or hat. Me too kiddo.

Bad: Nothing bad about a vacation!!

Good: On Monday Izzy's daycare had an in-service day and I had the day off so we had a mommy-daughter day where we went to the local children's museum. Izzy spent most of the time doing crafts that she was super proud of. In addition, we went to the fabric store where Izzy picked out the fabric that I will eventually make into curtains for her new room. I also got blackout material to sew onto curtains in our sunroom to make them heavier to hopefully trap more heat in the room.

Painting with colored ice

Gluing onto a mixed-media masterpiece

Bad: She didn't take a nap that day so she was a little nuts that night. Her napping has gotten better though and I don't think that she is ready to drop her nap just yet (thank goodness).

Good: Recently we signed Izzy up for Highlights the magazine (High Five- the toddler version). Not only does Izzy love getting something in the mail on a monthly basis ("it's mines?"), but she loves the content in the magazine as well! CP and I remember getting Highlights as a kid so we were happy to order it for her. For our big plane ride we got Izzy a book of hidden pictures so hopefully that keeps her busy for a while. (Not being paid to promote this but thought it was a good idea for other toddler parents.)

Bad: We have to read the same magazine every single night. :-/

Good: I have now been outed to my neighbors as being pregnant and everyone is excited. We had a wine party on Saturday night and early on one of the wives noticed that I wasn't drinking. She quietly asked, I said yes, then she announced to everyone the big news (I didn't want to do a big announcement so I was more than happy for her to do it).

Bad: I had let one of the other IVF neighbors know the week before that I was pregnant (she is done having kids) and she was super excited, but didn't get to talk to the other one (tried to have a second kid through IVF and it never worked- now is divorced). I didn't get a chance to speak to her that night so I hope that she is okay.

Good: My job application went in last week and I was selected as one of the best qualified candidates so my boss received my application package (we have a weird way of doing things around here). Yay! Hopefully I will get scheduled for an interview soon.

Bad: My boss literally just came to my door and said that they have to make a decision on the position by February 29th- the day that I get back into the office from vacation. So it looks like I might either have to interview tomorrow or while I am on vacation. Not ideal but if it has to be done, it has to be done. Guess I won't have to out myself as pregnant before the selection is made!

Oh body how I hate you

Remember how I was worried that an early period while on the flare protocol would screw up my cycle? Well it turns out that I had a bit of bleeding for part of a day but my full period never came. It's currently Day 34 and nothing. ARGH. Usually I'm a Day 28 kind-of-girl so the flare protocol must have screwed up my system. 

I have an appointment on Monday for bloodwork and ultrasound to see what is going on. If I don't start stims prior to December 4th I am going to have to wait until January to cycle because the lab closes for Christmas.

While it is helpful that it doesn't look like I will have to drive into Chicago from my parents place in MI this weekend for my baseline, I am beyond frustrated that I can't get a stupid period. JUST BLEED ALREADY.

The one piece of good news (but also sad in a way) is that it looks like I have blown through our medication deductible this year with our insurance company. This year I have spent at least $5000 on meds which means that I have my RE ordering the meds for the next cycle now even if I don't cycle until January. Might as well save myself a few thousand dollars, right? 

Maybe the tryptophan in the turkey tomorrow will not only put me to sleep, but also induce a period? One can only hope....

Microblog Mondays: Mom fail

Yesterday I had a total mom fail.

At the last consignment sale that popped up near my house I found a lot of Izzy's 3t winter clothes. It's hard to find clothes that are not all pepto pink so I thought that I had scored by finding a navy blue sweatshirt.

It wasn't until last night when I went to put it on Izzy that I realized that it had writing on the back of the sweatshirt- 'Juicy Girls Club.'

Juicy girls club? REALLY? So much no by having that phrase on the back of a 3t sweatshirt. It makes me sad that some mother even bought the sweatshirt for full price at some point.

This sweatshirt will never see the light of day as it will never be worn outside (or really ever again- at least on Izzy). I only kept it on her last night because I needed to do her laundry and she was cold. 

And here I thought I was doing well yesterday in terms of toddler clothing as Izzy wore a green dinosaur tshirt that I had found in the boys section of the consignment sale.

(Pictured trying to take it off in order to take a bath)

*sigh*


Want to read more Microblog Mondays? Go here.

Inconclusive

I made it through Saturday's ultrasound and bloodwork appointment. I only had two measurable follicles (one around 7, another around 8) but some smaller ones popped up...so I was told to continue my higher dose of meds and come back today.

This morning I still only had two measurable follicles- one at 12.7, the other at 12.9. I have now been on stims for 10 days (day 11 would be tonight) with only two follicles to show for it. At this point during IVF cycle #1 I had already triggered.

So...only two measurable follicles and some quick research yesterday online that talked about diminished egg quality if stims are used 12 or more days. Two more issues come up as well- I am all out of Menopur and would need to rush around today to find some for tonight (as well as a little more Gonal f) AND having to think about insurance. Is this cycle worth it if best case scenario I only have two mature follicles for retrieval? I only have two fresh IVF cycles left that would be covered under my insurance plan. Who knows what my fertilization and drop off rate would be- would I even make it to transfer?

I guess I am thinking that it would be best to cut our losses right now and just transfer this to an IUI. *sigh*

I will update when I hear from my clinic.

********UPDATE***********

Just talked to the nurse. Apparently the ultrasound lady gave me incorrect follicle sizes this morning and there are two right under 13 right now. Two measurable follicles at this point is still not great so we are likely going to do an IUI for this cycle (I have to go home and talk to CP first). It is likely that the follicles will stall on their own so continuing the meds is the best chance of ovulating.

Tonight I don't have any Menopur but we will be ordering more for tomorrow. I will take the rest of my Gonal f and also get more tomorrow. I will go in for monitoring on Wednesday morning with a likely trigger on Friday, IUI on Saturday. I asked if an IUI is even worth it at this point since all three back in 2012 didn't work, but frankly, it would at least give us a shot. You know that $900 I was so excited about saving when I bought all of the drugs? Well that is likely going to go towards these extra drugs for the next few days. :-/

After the IUI doesn't work we'll have to meet with the doctor to figure out the next protocol. Maybe one WITHOUT birth control pills.

Hormone update

Monday I went in for another round of bloodwork and an ultrasound. My lining was still pretty thick and I had a easy period this month so it looks like that isn't going down any time soon. Not sure what my uterus thinks is so valuable and thus worth hanging onto....

My estrogen level increased to 265 (it should be under 60). Again, instead of dropping it is increasing. Grrrr. I also have a clear cyst on my left ovary measuring 30mm. 

The rest of my hormones were normal. I'll be back in the office on Monday for more bloodwork and another ultrasound to see what's going on. Here's hoping the birth control brings my estrogen level back down to normal and that the clear cyst has resolved itself! Also on Monday CP and I will be getting re-tested for our CMV levels- we are crossing our fingers we will get authorized to start a cycle later this month!

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In other news, I played softball for the first time last night. My office has a team and I agreed to be a substitute, knowing that with CP's travel schedule I couldn't be a full-fledged member. I haven't played since freshman year of high school but was still fairly effective last night. I mostly played at third base and was effective in my fielding AND had a spot-on throw to first for an out. However, in the second inning I moved laterally and pulled my groin muscle for the first time in my life! I tried to stretch it as much as possible while teammates were batting but I was in PAIN. I made contact and had three solid hits for my three times at bat (however I was thrown out at first each time- I'd like to think because my groin slowed me down), but running to first also hurt. 

I have been icing a lot and took a slow walk with Buster today at lunch (I'm working from home today). Anything else I should be doing? I fear that groins take a long time to heal...

Slow learner

Man am I screwed if Izzy doesn't turn out to be a tomboy. Growing up I of course read Cosmo and Teen Beat but frankly was way more into sports- mostly playing them- to worry about makeup and fashion. It has taken me a loooooong time to catch up and frankly I still feel like I am learning the basics! Here I am, 36 years old, and finally learning some of these lessons. Ridiculous.

Aquaphor

If you told me that Aquaphor also cured cancer I would believe you. This is an amazing product. We had been using Angel Baby Earth Mama bottom balm on Izzy for diaper rash while she was in cloth diapers and that worked well. After we switched to disposables it didn't seem to work as well so I tried Butt Paste (eh) and then was told that Aquaphor could not only be used on dry skin, but also for diaper rash. This stuff is amazing!! I not only use it on Izzy's bum (which clears things up in no time), but slathered it on my hands every other night before putting on gloves during Chicago's winter months. I can't say enough good things about it because it has CURED my cracked skin on my hands during winter. I had tried EVERYTHING under the sun and was resigned to having painful cracked hands 4 months a year but no longer! After that I bought Aquaphor lip balm which is doing amazing things to my lips. Aquaphor, I love you and should probably buy stock in your company because I am using so much of you in my daily life!

Bobby pins

Uhhh did you know that there is a right and wrong way to put bobby pins in your hair? The smooth side is supposed to face out, the bumpy side towards your head. Thank goodness for silly Huffington Post articles in my Facebook News Feed!

Makeup

About a year ago I finally decided to wear powder and eyeliner to work along with doing something with my hair every day. It takes only a few minutes to do but I think that it makes a world of difference. 

Wide calf knee high socks

Yes I own a pair of these sock monkey socks (image from the website)

Can socks be fashionable? I do like to wear crazy socks even if the rest of my outfit is professional and normal. Thank goodness for the company Sock it to Me. I randomly came across their socks when I was in NYC last fall and noticed that they had wide calf knee high socks. I love to wear knee highs during winter- especially if I am commuting to/from work or outside a bunch- they can really help with the cold. I was wary that the socks really wouldn't be stretchy enough because I have tried wide calf boots and have yet to find a pair that fit me (to be honest, I haven't tried very hard). Anyway, these socks are amazing. Very comfortable and no problems with my calves! Hopefully they start to make more patterns in the wide-calf version!


Undersummers

This product is going to change my summer (image from the website)

Finally, I am excited to wear dresses and skirts this summer. Why you might ask? Well it's because I finally did a little research into rash guards for my inner thighs and bought something called an Undersummer. It came highly recommended on a website so I decided to try it out. For years now I have hated wearing dresses and shirts because of thigh chafing (the last time I don't think that I had a problem with chafing was around my wedding/honeymoon when I was about 35 pounds lighter than I currently am right now). I tried lotion, I tried CP's Gold Bond powder, and I tried Body Glide (runners use it). Everything wore out too quickly so I was happy if I only had to wear a dress/shirt for a few hours but wasn't a fan wearing something all day which made me sad because there are some cute dresses out there! I think with Undersummers I have finally found the solution! I can't wear any mini skirts but that's okay because I'm almost 40 anyway. But I did find a cute maxi skirt at Target that I wore to work yesterday and I'm happy to say that the Undersummers worked like a charm! Yay!

What took you a while to learn?

*Sadly I was not paid or given anything for this post. Just trying to spread the word to others about products/things you may or may not already know about.*

Friday Accountability

(Should have posted this on Friday)

This past week was pretty much a failure workout-wise. I was in a crappy mood all week long from not sleeping enough, my hormones were wacky because I was ovulating, and everything that could go wrong, did.  Just an example: on Friday I was cutting pineapple for breakfast while working from home and sliced my pinky.  My finger bled for 45 minutes and I finally called my neighbor (an ER doctor) to ask when a person needs stitches.  After sending pictures, she thought that I didn't need them, but really?  That was my second cut on the same hand in two days. And now I promise to stop whining.

30 Day Buns, Guns & Abs Challenge 

I went up to Michigan with my parents last weekend and forgot to do the exercises, so I did Saturday, Sunday, and Monday's exercises all on Monday. My plan to do the challenge the rest of the week went kaput. I suck.

Runs

Not surprisingly, I didn't run at all last week.

Walks

I took a long walk with Buster, Izzy and my Mom on Sunday when we were in Michigan.  Buster and I also took a walk on Wednesday when I worked from home.  But after picking Buster up on Thursday, his daycare mentioned that he had been coughing, so it was a vet visit for him on Friday....then no walks on Friday or Saturday because exercise made him cough.  Poor buddy. 

Other exercise

I mowed the lawn on Wednesday.

Weight

I haven't taken out the scale in the past week to check on my weight so I have no idea where I stand!

This week I need to SLEEP.  CP is finally HOME and having the extra pair of hands around should help.  The more I sleep the more I energy I have to workout.  Unfortunately today I am exhausted because Buster decided to whimper, pant, and pace around our room for an hour starting at 2am.  I eventually went downstairs (where it is cooler) and slept on the couch so that he would stay downstairs with me and hopefully stop being so anxious, but even after taking him out I have no idea what was wrong with him. Oh wait....sorry....I whined again.

Needed: big glass of wine

It is only the 5th day of being a "single mom" and I am ready to cry.  How the hell do military wives do this for a year????  It actually hasn't been Izzy that has been so frustrating this week- it's been everything else. Couple that with not sleeping very well (again, not because of Izzy but because I need to get things prepared for the next day after she goes to bed and then I end up going to bed after 10-10:30pm and that's too late when you are waking up at 5am) and it's a recipe for a frazzled NSC.  I'm usually fairly "with it" and this week has been the complete opposite. Thankfully it has all been minor things but they are starting to add up and it's making me want a big glass of wine.  Except that it is barely noon, I'm working, and I have to drive to MI this afternoon so drinking would not be advised for at least a few more hours.

Monday I showed up to daycare in a different car than the one I dropped her off in because I thought Buster would enjoy the car ride and he likes the bigger car....I realized once she was in my arms that the car seat was in the OTHER car and I had to go home to get it before I could pick her up. (I decided that morning to not bring her car seat in like usual because she is getting pretty heavy.)  

Tuesday I rushed from one work meeting to another and realized that I forgot to bring dressing for my salad.  I didn't have any time between meeting to buy some so I ate a dry salad for lunch. I guess I could call this a win because I didn't waste calories on dressing?

Yesterday I knew that an event that I was attending at another site was going to be close in terms of catching the right train home in order to pick up Buster and Izzy from their respective daycares. I wasn't able to catch a cab from the site (I assumed that I was going to be able to), so I got a ride from someone from another company to the train station.  I missed the train that I needed and had to decide whether I took the one at 5:30 that put me at the train stop two blocks from my house, but not the train stop where my car was....or take the 5:52 that put me at the train stop for my car.  I decided that I would figure out how to move the other car and ran to catch the 5:30 because it got in earlier.  I was still late in picking up Buster and Izzy from daycare after grabbing the other car from our house AND I didn't get to talk to CP last night because I was running so late.  After getting everyone home and Buster fed, there was no time to have Izzy reject the sweet potatoes and breastmilk I pureed for her and no time to give her a bath so I nursed her and she went to bed. Essentially I had no quality time with her yesterday. Everything worked out okay once I ran with Buster this morning to pick up the car but it was really stressful- and the fact that Izzy was at daycare for almost a full 12 hours yesterday is more than ridonkulous.

Today I thought the day was going better but then I got an email from our dog walking service.  Although there was no indication from the dog walker's note that something went wrong on Weds when she came to walk Buster, we have been told that they won't be walking him anymore because they have to worry about the safety of their employees. This is probably a whole other post, but dammit. 

I know that none of these are life threatening things.  I know that I could have much bigger problems.  I probably shouldn't even post this because it is a post only interesting to me.... But maybe the rest of the day will be better?  Maybe I will finally get my big glass of wine tonight after navigating Chicago traffic to get to Michigan?  One can only hope.

Re-thinking birth control

If you have been around these parts for a period of time, you know that I have four different fertility issues: endometriosis, a large fibroid in my uterus, a short luteal phase, and some wonky hormones.

This past weekend Aunt Flo arrived 32 days after my last period. She was quite heavier than last month, but based on my cervical mucus, my luteal phase for the past month was 14 days, aka the normal amount of time. YAY!  I'm not sure if every cycle will now be this way but I would be pretty happy if pregnancy "righted" my menstrual cycle and I had one less fertility issue to worry about (even if it is a relatively minor one that can be helped by taking progesterone).

However, if Aunt Flo will be visiting again on a regular basis, I have a decision to make. If CP and I are thinking about a frozen transfer of our one embryo next January, do I go on birth control until we need to start getting my body ready for the frozen transfer? The way I see it, there are three different things in play right now. 

1. Endometriosis.  I had no endo when my OB opened me up for my c-section and endo shouldn't have been growing the past five months or so as I didn't have my period.  However, regular hormonal fluctuations with your menstrual cycle can trigger endo growth....so if I am going to start getting a regular period the endo could come back.

2. Fibroid.  There currently is a stupid fibroid that my OB saw when she did my c-section.  Not sure if the size of it has changed in the last six months but it is not in a good spot to get removed. Birth control can make fibroids grow....but from my brief research there are certain kinds that wouldn't promote growth. Whether they are also the same kinds that would only give me a period every quarter in lieu of every month is the question.  (I think I remember my doctor saying that birth control that resulted in fewer hormonal fluctuations aka one that "skips" your period are helpful for women with endo.)

3. Breastfeeding.  While I am currently contemplating dropping a pumping session at work once Izzy turns 6 months (tomorrow), birth control can effect your supply.  I am okay with supplementing formula if I don't make enough milk, but I still want most of what Izzy drinks to be breastmilk so I need to be careful about what birth control I take.

So.  Birth control pills could potentially stop any endo from growing, but they could also effect the fibroid and breastfeeding.  Or I could continue to not take any birth control, but know that the endo may start to grow.  Would I then need another surgery this fall or winter? I really don't want to have another surgery...especially knowing that if I am able to get pregnant again I am looking at another c-section.

Choices, choices.  I sometimes hate my stupid body and wish all of this was easier.

Any wise words from readers?

Thoughts about death

While CP was in Thailand for two weeks for work, I took Izzy up to my parent's place in MI two weekends in a row.  The second weekend- at least the start of it- was a complete disaster.  Not 15 minutes into my drive I tried my best to go around a bad part of the road, but ended up hitting the bump funny.  When I heard the "clunk" I knew that it was something bad.  I pulled over in a parking lot and got out to survey the damage.

Everything looked intact near the rear right wheel.  I felt the tires- check.  Made sure the rim was still attached to the tire- check. I then decided to continue driving as I couldn't see anything wrong.

About 30 minutes later I was still hearing clunking noises as I drove when CP called from Thailand.  Even he could hear the clunking noises over the phone!  I pulled over on the highway and got out again to see if I could see anything.  I ended up pulling on a cylinder behind the tire and realizing that it was loose on the side making noise.  I sent this picture to CP and asked him to do some internet searching to figure out if driving with this loose part was dangerous. 

The loose part

I only had three options: 1. keep driving and hope that I got to MI safely; 2. call my parents and ask them to drive from MI to pick me, Izzy, and Buster up and bring me home; or 3. call a tow truck and figure out a way home while also trying to figure out how to transport Buster, a dog that does not like strangers when he first meets them (so not really a good option).

CP ended up figuring out that it was the shock and as far as he could tell from internet searches, it was okay to drive the car.  I got back on the road and called my parents to let them know what was going on and to keep their phones on them in case something happened and I needed them to pick me up.  I white-knuckled the rest of the drive, driving slower than usual and staying clear of potholes.  I told myself that I was an awful mother continuing to make this drive and that I shouldn't put Izzy or Buster at risk.  Visions of my rear right tire flying off the car went through my head.  Then once the tire flew off, I figured that I wouldn't be able to control the car so the visions became me crashing into the metal barrier between the highway and the lake that I was driving past.  I thought about how the hell I was going to save Izzy when she was in her car seat while the car slowly sank to bottom of the lake.

Horrible thoughts right?  I have always had some weird, dark thoughts....usually around big events.  It's usually worries about something happening to someone I love.  Like something happening to CP before our wedding.  I was really worried about something happening to my parents before I moved out to Chicago two years ago  I still worry about something happening to me or CP and can envision the headlines- "Parent of 5 month old baby dies (insert awful way to die)."  I have more of these thoughts of death and dying now that Izzy is here. I don't dwell on them but the quantity has increased. Oddly enough, they are never about Izzy.

Maybe this is normal?  Because I now have a child that is dependent on me maybe I have some more anxiety over the possibility that something could happen to me, CP, or both of us?

Clearly I am still here so I did end up making it to my parent's house that night.  After Izzy went to bed I relaxed after three glasses of wine.  Between getting my period that week, the car ride, single parenting for two weeks, and stress the wine was sorely needed!

We took the car to the dealership the next morning to make sure I could drive it back to Chicago without a problem and were told that would be okay.  The car went into the shop that next week and unfortunately, it wasn't just the shocks that needed repair. $2200 later I didn't  have to worry about the safety of my car anymore...just my credit card bill.

The awkwardness of running into someone you dated

Two weekends ago I agreed to be the designated driver for the Racine, WI beer festival.  CP and I headed up with some of his work friends and one of their wives.  I saw a total of two other pregnant women there and it just felt weird to be there (even though I was clearly drinking only water the whole day).  

For anyone who hasn't been to a beer festival, it is vitally important to make and wear a pretzel necklace (something that we learned by going to the Great American Beer Festival in Denver).  Not only are pretzels good for snacking on during the festival but they are a good palate-cleanser.  I wore a necklace, but realized early on that it was too hot and sunny to eat too many lest I get too swollen from the salt!!  People can go all out when making the necklaces and it is possible to get pretzel envy when faced with a necklace full of really large pretzels.  This guy took the biggest pretzel prize of the day though- our whole group had pretzel necklace envy!!

In my mind, this was the best beer brand name of the day.  CP and the rest of the crew even said that the beer was pretty good (although it was at least an hour into the festival so they may not have been tasting too much at that point!).

Funny story from the end of the festival.  There was a brass band that walked around the festival and was fairly good.  My feet got tired towards the end of the festival, so I sat down while CP went to the porta potty and others got their last beer.  One of the guys from the band came up to me and said, "Is your name Non Sequitur Chica?  Hey, it's Dave."  I immediately thought, "oh sh*t this is going to be awkward."  

You see, Dave and I went on a couple of dates when I lived in Chicago the year before I moved out west for law school. He was a nice enough guy and frankly, I was sort of bored.  I didn't date a lot that year, partly because I was out all of the time with friends having too much fun to date.  But I was still trying to get over this guy whose phone calls had started up again, so I thought, why not?  We went out on a couple of dates, but while talking to a friend one day that also knew him, I realized that I was not excited in the least bit to go on our date that night.  That's when I knew that I had to break it off.  I felt bad because he was surprised, but it was also sort of awkward because it's hard to tell someone that while they are nice enough, you just aren't that into them (plus I am super awkward with these types of conversations).  

Here I thought that I would never see the guy again and now almost 8 years later he comes up to me at the beer festival while I am clearly pregnant.  We started to make small talk when of course CP comes back from the bathroom.  One of his work friends jokes that some stranger is hitting on his pregnant wife and I just thought, this is going to go downhill.  Since I was completely sober, I thought it might be a good idea to gracefully end the conversation with Dave and instead get back to CP because he was starting to make loud jokes behind me (ahhhhh drunk husbands).  

(Before anyone freaks out, CP is NOT a hugely jealous guy but it's always hard to think completely straight when you are drunk.  Plus I don't mind him being a little protective of me.  :-)  )

We started to walk out of the festival and CP asked who the guy was.  I told him that Dave was someone that I went on a couple of dates with when I last lived in Chicago.  He wasn't extremely excited about that, but ummm, obviously I am married to YOU and I'm PREGNANT with your child so you have nothing to worry about.  LOL.  

Mostly I just felt bad for CP.  This is now the THIRD guy that I dated before meeting him that we have randomly run into.  The first two were out west- one at an NFL game (seriously?  The stadium holds THOUSANDS of people and I run into one of the two guys I dated before CP?) and one at a grocery store (I ran away from this encounter instead of talking to the guy- YES I AM 13).  Thankfully we have never run into my long term boyfriend from college or the guy from the link above that would continue to call me despite knowing that I had started to date CP.  Especially meeting the latter guy?  Might not go so well.

Have you ever run into someone you dated with your spouse right next to you?