The fence surrounding the back of our property went up and construction should hopefully start on Monday (the general contractor is still waiting for a few permits from our city- hopefully they come through by the end of this week).
Good thing we are moving out on Saturday because we can't get into the back yard for Buster to go to the bathroom. We are also trying to figure out whether we can sneak the lawnmower back there to mow the lawn so that we don't have a jungle by the time we move back in three months!
The other major change is that last night was the last time I will ever nurse a kid. :-( Earlier this week I nursed Wes in the morning and when he pulled off, frustrated that there was no milk, I had to go make him a bottle so that he would stop crying. I realized at that point that I really didn't have enough milk to continue. So last night, I nursed Wes before giving him a little formula, knowing that this was it.
It's making me emotional to write about it because it is my fault that we are stopping at this point. I should have been better about pumping while I was away from him in January and February (5 times a day was not enough). I should have pumped more while at work. I should have gotten a new pump after he was born instead of using the two that I used with Izzy because I think that they were starting to die. So many should haves, but it is time to move on. I will be gone on a one night trip away for work today so it's a good time to make a hard stop. I assume it will be easier this way than to wait until he is crying for a bottle in a few days.
Unlike last time, I don't think that I am going to have much trouble stopping. I haven't had aching breasts, hard breasts, and I haven't had to relieve myself. To me, that is a sure sign that my milk is drying up which is the polar opposite of last time. I think that if I use one bag of frozen milk every day we will make it to his 9 month birthday. I know at some point I will be proud of the fact that I was able to nurse my kids for 7.5 and 8.5 months, but I do think that it will take a while to get over just not being able to keep up my supply for Wes. I know that he will be fine in the end.....
9 comments:
Oh that is so hard. I'm feeling emotional reading this! Please do not blame yourself- you are up against a culture where it is very hard to be at home with your baby and it is so hard to keep up a nursing relationship when you have to rely on a pump. I hope you've taken lots of nursing pictures and that you will eventually look back on this time with love and peace and not sadness or guilt.
I did get to 12 months with E, but only by pumping in the day for the last six or seven weeks while nursing him in the middle of the night as he went on a day nursing strike. And I weaned from the night feeds unexpectedly because one day Q just said he could take the night and that was that. I didn't know it was the last time when I nursed, and I'm not sure that was easier. What I do know is I didn't want our nursing relationship to end the way it did- I had hoped to get to 18 months but that was before he day weaned. It was hard and it hurt and I felt a whole heap of emotions, including guilt that I hadn't done a better job of keeping him nursing in the day. So I bring all if that to my relationship with P, which probably explains why she is up at night so much!
Thinking of you so much today.
Oh, it is so not your fault. There's always going to be coulda, woulda, shoulda's. It's impossible to question yourself, because Mommy guilt is such a real thing. My milk supply never even really came in, so between that and the fact that my babies were premies, it just never worked for us. I tried valiantly for one month. You have done an outstanding job of getting to 8.5 months! That's something to be proud of, even if it wasn't your ultimate goal. I love that you got that picture of Wes nursing for the last time. That's such a sweet picture. I am sorry that you are having to be done nursing before you are ready.
You did great so don't beat yourself up. If charlotte tolerated formula I'm sure I would have stopped nursing by now and I'm home with her all day.
Glad your house renovation is starting soon! Can't wait to see your updates!
That's crazy that there is a fence up around your house! That must be so surreal.
Gah...the second part of your post had me in tears. I'm sorry. It's so hard, I know. Mommy guilt just sucks. Try and give yourself some credit...you nursed Wes for the majority of his first year, all while balancing a full-time job and a toddler, often by yourself! That's AMAZING! Be proud of that. I could never have done that.
Pumping is hard, and it sucks. I remember just counting down the days until I could stop pumping at work.
There is always going to be something to fee like we could have done/could do better when it comes to parenting. Weaning is an emotional thing. In time it will feel better. (((Hugs))) to you.
Whoa, to the fence. I hope it all works out with the lawnmower, and that the end result is worth the craziness!
On the second front, I am so sorry. That must be so hard. You have a lot of "Should haves" though, and what I will say is that my amazing therapist says "stop shoulding on yourself" -- we take so much responsibility for things that are not truly ours to shoulder, that are beyond reasonable control. I can totally understand how you feel this way, but maybe even if you pumped more things would have weaned differently for Wes. You are doing everything you can to feed your baby and get him what he needs, and breastfeeding for as long as you have is a major accomplishment and is very hard to do (from my many mom friends' experiences, clearly).
I am so glad that you got that picture. It is a beautiful, bittersweet picture, and to me it looks like a celebration of what you could do for as long as you could rather than something that was in any way your fault. I see the beauty, which is easy as an outsider, but I hope that picture can bring more smiles than tears as time goes by and your boy grows amazingly well with the formula, too. Love to you at this difficult time of disruption, fencewise and bodywise. You are an amazing mama.
Beautiful pic, mama. You did great. Hoping the sadness passes in due course.
Oh, I am so familiar with the angsty feelings about stopping nursing before you wanted to. But also, I have a lot of feminist opinions about the costs of nursing. It's free, except it's not--pumping is SO draining and such an incredible time-suck, and it takes you away from other important things, not just work but also the mental energy you have for your kids and family when you're not at work. Five times a day is a LOT to be pumping--I just don't see how you could have done more, or how it would have been worth the cost to you to do so. It's great that you made it this far, and your babies are perfect and formula is a wonderful option.
Hugs, my dear, on both fronts.
xox
^^Uh, front #1 is the house stuffs, front #2 is the nursing stuffs....not, like, hugging boob #1 and boob #2.
I just made this more awkward.
I'm gonna go now.
xox
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