Labor day weekend

How is it already Thursday?  I'm not complaining because that means that tomorrow is Friday and I work from home, but still.  I didn't mean to disappear for more than a week, but things have been crazy!

Last Thursday CP and I packed up the car and headed out to a cabin rental at Silver Lake, MI (think central western MI) to join two other couples and their kids.  We didn't know anything about the area but Silver Lake is right off of Lake Michigan and has some really cool dunes.  There was a whole dune buggy culture that we were not expecting, but the cabin was cheap and the water was a great temperature.

Last year this same vacation (well, same friends, different location) had me worried because here we were infertile and trying to hang out with two couples that each had two children. This year, being pregnant made the trip so much easier.  Well, I was a little more exhausted than the other adults and I couldn't drink with them, but I wasn't feeling too awkward being the childless couple because at least there is a good chance that I will have my own child this year. 

There were three 23-monthers and a 3.5 year old.  It was hectic at times but the kids were pretty good for the most part.  While CP and the couples drank, I had no craving what-so-ever for alcohol, but it was weird to be the ONLY sober adult there.  I'm much more of a stick in the mud when I am sober....but I was not envying the hangovers that everyone had!  We had a good time at the beach, on a boat, at a petting farm, etc.  Most likely due to lack to sleep, too much sun the day before, and overall exhaustion, I became moody on Sunday afternoon and skipped out on the beach trip with everyone and instead stayed in the cabin watching "Orange is the New Black" on Netflix on my phone.  Have you guys checked out this show?  It's awesome.  By the time everyone got home I was in a better mood and ready to be social again.

Overall the weekend was great, but I was a bit annoyed when we got home.  Before we left for the trip, we decided that each couple would take a night and make dinner and then the final night we would go out with the kids.  Everyone went to the store to grab booze and food at some point.  CP and I figured that the only thing that we needed to split at the end of the trip was the boat rental.  But no.  Each couple had to submit their tally of how much they spent for the long weekend.  This included the boat (fine),  booze (of which I had none) and food for the kids (of which we have none).  Then we split it three ways.  How is that fair?  To be honest, we probably would have just said that it was fine to split it three ways if one of our friends had said, "oh should CP and NSC pay less because NSC didn't drink and they don't have kids?"  But no one brought that up.  And it's not like this is the first time.  A few weeks ago we spent the weekend with one of the couples- both times we went out to a restaurant we ended up splitting the bill, despite the fact that I didn't drink any alcohol and we don't have any kids.  I don't know if our friends are just not thinking about it, but it's annoying.  I decided not to say anything (although maybe I should have because clearly I am ranting about it) because in the end, it's not worth it, but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Despite that, it was a nice long weekend away from work.  We sailed through the city without traffic on Monday (amazing!) and picked up the dogs from the kennel.  5am on Tuesday morning I woke up to a collar shaking from downstairs and the smell immediately hit my nose.  One of the dogs had pooped downstairs (not a common occurrence).  I jumped out of bed, threw my glasses on, and went to find the culprit.  I immediately figured out that it was Buster due to his guilty face, but I also recognized that it was explosive diarrhea.  Here is where the story may become a bit TMI.  It was ALL OVER the first floor of our house.  I called for CP and took Buster out so that he could finish the job outside.  CP and I then spent the next THREE HOURS bathing Buster (thank goodness for our motion detector lights on the garage because it was still dark out), wiping down the couch, stereo, a plant, walls, kitchen cabinets, and steam cleaning the carpets.  He really made his mark all over the house.  *shudder*  I ended up staying home with him on Tuesday to continue cleaning and make sure that he wasn't going to have another episode.  Thankfully it seems to have been a one time occurrence and his stomach has righted itself on his new diet of boiled rice and boiled chicken.  Oh man it was awful.  But I guess we are ready for kids?  

So yeah, no way to really end this post on a high note other than I have 5 more days until I officially hit the third trimester of this pregnancy!!  And NFL football starts tonight- WOO HOO!

Friends and infertility

It is quite interesting how different my friends are around me (how they act, what they say, etc) regarding infertility.  It truly depends on the friend.  I'll give you four recent examples.

Last night I had a long, long conversation with a good friend who is also battling infertility.  She has now lost three pregnancies in trying for a second child.  My heart aches for her as no one should have to go through that.  When she was pregnant this last time she didn’t say anything until I asked because she didn’t want to upset me (she ended up losing that pregnancy too).  She rarely talks about her firstborn with me and when she does, she makes sure to say that she knows that she is very lucky to only have one (even though she and her husband want two).  I keep telling her that she doesn’t need to continually say those things- but she does it because she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful when I am trying so hard to have to my first child.  I appreciate her sensitivity to me because even though we are in different circumstances and have different triggers,  we both do our best to not upset the other person and what they are going through.

My law school friend here in Chicago didn’t go through infertility, but knows all about our struggle and asks what is going on.  She is great about allowing me to vent and doesn’t say stupid things like “maybe it wasn’t meant to be” or “just relax.”  A good example of a fertile that is sensitive to our infertility.

Oddly enough, my new next door neighbor is pretty good.  I have not told her about our infertility, yet she seems to be sensitive to the fact that we don’t have kids.  (This is the neighbor that is friends with the infertility doctor that I met at a BBQ at her house this fall.)  She has never asked whether we want them or whether we have had problems.  I have never hinted at the fact that we are having problems and when I’m around her I say things like “if CP and I have kids.”  But yet at the happy hour before Christmas she apologized that much of the conversation earlier in the day (another neighbor had all of the women over for Christmas tea) had been about baby monitors and other baby-related stuff.  I’m not sure if I somehow tipped her off to our infertility or if she is just nice and knows that someone that doesn’t have kids wouldn’t necessarily want to discuss baby monitors, but either way I appreciate it.

Meanwhile, I had a fantastic time with my CT friends over New Years Eve/Day, but a few of them simply just don’t get it.  My one friend is clueless as to infertility (she had her two kids with no problems) and would often make some of the comments that you shouldn’t make to infertiles.  Another friend had no problems conceiving her three kids but would at least ask how things were going and ask questions about the various techniques/options because she truly knew nothing about infertility.  The only person that seemed to be at all sensitive to the fact that I wouldn’t want to hear every little detail about her pregnancy, the baby’s room, preparations, etc. was my pregnant friend (she had three miscarriages before her current pregnancy).

It just goes to show you that you can tell someone all about your infertility journey or you can keep the details to yourself….but you never know what they are going to say.

Have you found a large difference between your friends when it comes to your infertility (or anything other major thing going on in your life)?

Christmas recap

In the end, my worry about what would happen on Christmas Day at my aunt’s house turned out to be nothing.  Two of my cousins ended up not being able to show up so I only had to deal with one infant (5 months old) and an almost 3 year old.  They were adorable and very well behaved and although I engaged in some wistful thinking while hanging out with them, everything went fine.  Thank goodness I wasn’t on any IVF drugs at the time!!

My aunt was also on good behavior.  I actually made a point to stay away from her unless there was a big group (although, she has asked about our plans for kids in big groups too) so that I wouldn’t get the dreaded question which ended up working out well.  No kid questions from anyone that day so CP and I survived the day!

I did find out that my step second cousin is infertile though.  Remember how she helped CP get his new job?   Well he now sits in the cubicle next to her and she does seem to give out a lot of personal information (and others do to her as well).  He has overheard that she and her husband can’t have kids but doesn’t know the specifics.  I watched her hang out with the little kids at Christmas and I swear I saw the same wistful look in her eye that was also in mine.  I doubt that we will ever get a chance to talk about our infertility as we all know how close CP holds the infertile cards to his chest, but I do feel for her.  :-(

What's a holiday recap without adorable pictures of the dogs??

Buster loves his new toy!

My sister and her boyfriend got Buster a bowtie collar so that he could look dapper for the holidays.  I love it!

Buster enjoying the Christmas snow at the dog park.

Koda laying with all of the dog toys.  I'm pretty sure the dogs received more presents on Christmas than the humans did!

Christmas Day picture with Buster, my sister's dog Fletcher, and Koda.  I have no idea how I was able to snap such a good photo, but I think I may have to frame this!!

Here is a preview of our new dining room ready for Christmas dinner!  I can't wait to show you the before pictures!  :-)

Wary of tomorrow

Often holidays are hard for infertiles.  The past couple of years haven't been too hard on me and CP because of our family situation.  Being out on the East Coast meant spending the holidays with his family.  Whether we were with his dad/wife/extended family or with his mom/husband/grandmother, we never were around babies or young kids because if there were kids around, they were all at least five years old.

Now that we live in Chicago, the family dynamic is going to change a bit.  All three of my cousins that I generally see at Christmas have kids.  Young kids (two are infants).  The oldest cousin has four kids and the other two both have two kids.  None of them have referenced any problems conceiving and the kids are "normally" spaced apart which leads me to believe that they did the weird thing and actually had sex to make a baby.

So not only are we going to be faced with fertile cousins and two infants tomorrow, but we also have to deal with my aunt.  I don't think that she  means any harm, but EVERY TIME I see her since we got married she asks when we are going to have kids.  I just know that the question is coming tomorrow- and I'm just not sure how I can react without tipping her off that we are having problems.  It's really none of her business, but I need some help in figuring out what my answer should be.  Or should I just ignore her all day?  Tell her that our dogs are our kids and change the subject?  Good thing I haven't had the latest Lupron shot yet or it could get ugly!

Tomorrow should be a happy day with family.  Instead I am dreading it.  :-(

Any suggestions??

Yet another dream

Is having upsetting dreams one of the side effects of birth control?  I don't remember these dreams being par for the course for the 12+ years I took them....but yet here they are!  I guess I shouldn't complain because otherwise I am not having any other symptoms....

Last night I had yet another dream about others being pregnant. This time the dream was not about my sister but of three different friends from law school.  The first are close friends here in Chicago that have twins and have had discussions about having a third child, but are most likely not going to take the plunge.  The second friends also have two kids (the second kid was an oops) and have discussed having a third.  The final friends M & R don't have any kids yet but told us last year when we saw them that they were going to start trying in a year or so- they were planning to start trying at the same time as yet another law school couple.  The wife in M & R has already started a Pinterest board and has pinned stuff like "baby on a budget" and how to do the monthly stickers for pictures.

In my dream all three of my friends were pregnant and one by one, they told me their good news.  As I had to congratulate them face to face, I choked back my tears.  I realized that all three of them would have babies the same age, while I would be left behind.

The kicker of the dream was that I found out that I had not been invited to something- a kid's birthday party or something like that because I was not pregnant or already a mom.  It wasn't them sparing my feelings or thinking that I wouldn't want to go....it was simply because I was not a mom or soon-to-be mom.  So of course I felt horribly left out.

I woke up from the dream smelling sh*t. Literally sh*t.  Fuzzy Britches decided that despite taking her out before we went to bed and instead of waking us up to go out, she would just poop in the hallway at 3am. Awesome.

First I am still upset about the dream. Why do I keep having these dreams?  

Second, I hope this is not a sign for Fuzzy Britches. She is coming up on her 9th birthday next month...which is getting up there in years for Bernese Mountain Dogs.  I don't even want to think about this.....not now.....

Odd dream

Last night I had the oddest dream.  In my dream my sister was getting married (something that she and her boyfriend aren't completely set on doing in real life).  I thought that it was odd that it was such a toned-down affair with a small number of people because my sister will absolutely be having a large wedding if she and her boyfriend ever get engaged.  I was running around trying to put everything together and make it the nicest wedding I could for her, despite her poor planning.  I realized that she didn't even book a photographer, so I grabbed a camera and started taking pictures for her.  

When the wedding was over I looked over at her and noticed her stomach was a little larger than usual, then it hit me: she was pregnant.  It was like a punch in the gut because not only is she not sure that she will ever marry, but she and her boyfriend are pretty sure that they are not going to have kids.  So while CP and I are running around for 2.5 years trying to get pregnant, they are not even sure they want kids and of course get pregnant.  After that I woke up.

This dream is coming on the heels of three other pregnancy-related things.  

First, I got a shower invite for a good college friend's wife a few weeks ago.  He had mentioned that they were going to start trying fairly soon after the Olympic Trials (this past June) and what do you know, they must have gotten pregnant on the first try because she is due in February.  I'm not only jealous of how fast it took them to get pregnant, but she booked slots at the best daycare only a few months into her pregnancy and sent out shower invites two months in advance.  Now that's someone that is not worried about her pregnancy at all.

Then, last week I found out that my friend that I talked about in the beginning of the year is 10 weeks pregnant. I am rooting for her as just getting pregnant is a problem because she has PCOS....but in addition she can't get excited for the pregnancy until she gets back test results on potential genetic defects in a few weeks.  She was worried to tell me about the pregnancy, but it doesn't make me sad to hear of her pregnancy.  She has been through enough and I REALLY REALLY hope that this is the one.

Finally, on the same day that I found out about my friend above, I found out that I had officially been lapped by a good friend.  A friend from high school's wife got pregnant quickly and announced the pregnancy when CP and I were beginning to realize that our journey was not going to be so easy.  Well, his second daughter just arrived into the world.  *sigh*  I'm of course happy for him, but I can't believe that his family is complete when CP and I haven't even made it to a positive pregnancy test. 

Anyway, so a weird and rough dream (thank goodness I woke up and knew that it wasn't true as my sister had quite a few drinks on Saturday night), coupled with other pregnancy-related items has me feeling a bit down.  But hopefully a long family weekend will brighten my spirits.

How I cope with pregnant women

Recently I was talking to a good friend of mine that had a 2nd trimester loss (22 weeks) last year. She is a few years older and has since had another (earlier) miscarriage. We were talking about infertility and she asked how I have stayed so calm throughout my TTC journey (or calm compared to her).

Please note these are my opinions and thoughts on how I try to stay positive/cope with infertility. I have never suffered a miscarriage or loss so my viewpoint may be different.

Infertility is a nasty beast but you don't have to let it drag you down. The following are things I try to remember in each situation when faced with a pregnant woman.

Random Pregnant Woman on the Street

Whenever I see a random pregnant woman on the street, my first thought is jealousy. I want to be her; I want to be pregnant. But then I try to step back and put myself in her shoes.  Maybe this stranger has been working for years to attain the pregnancy.  She could have had a number of pregnancy losses before getting pregnant. Because she is a stranger I have no idea. She could be super fertile, or she could infertile like me. Either way, as long as she doesn't throw it in my face (which would be hard to do as a stranger that I wouldn’t talk to), I try to push down my jealousy and be as happy as I can for her because I don’t know her story.

Fellow Infertility Blogger
Of course I feel the twinge of jealousy when a fellow blogger gets pregnant. I want to be able to post a positive pregnancy test!  But the one thing that I try to keep in mind is that every IF person that gets pregnant is a win for all infertiles. A pregnancy means that treatment is working! It means that no matter how many problems that couple has, their doctor has somehow worked around those obstacles!  In addition, a surprise natural pregnancy is hope for the rest of us. So I continue to follow the blogger throughout their pregnancy, supporting them, and hoping that they get their take home baby.

IRL Family and Friends

Again, here comes the jealousy.  But whenever a friend gets pregnant I am very excited for them.  I want to see their belly pictures; I want to hear how they are doing.  (Hopefully this is research for a future pregnancy!)  I have expanded the number of people that I have told about our infertility- certainly not shouting it out to the world, but at least telling people that I see or talk to fairly often.  Recently I had dinner with one of my friends from college whom I hadn’t seen in a few years (someone that I hadn’t told about our troubles).  I noticed when I ordered a drink that she didn’t (but didn’t say anything) and after she asked the waitress if a cheese was pasteurized, I knew.  After ordering, she gave me the low down- that she and her husband recently decided that they wanted to try for their second child and got pregnant the first month.  Ahhh a super fertile friend (her first pregnancy was an oops).  But she happens to have a sister that is infertile and had to go the IVF route, so she quickly followed it up by saying that she realized that she was VERY lucky and that not everyone is as lucky as her.  I do believe that because I have told more friends what is going on, it has been helpful as they are more sensitive in what they say to me.  And if they do say something that upsets me, I try to recognize that it is coming from a good place and/or educate them as to why their comment was hurtful/not helpful.

A lot of my college friends had kids early on so they have been done for a while.  A bunch of my law school friends have recently finished having kids and others are on the cusp of trying.  But no one that is trying lives around me so I won’t have to deal with hanging out around a lot of friends with pregnant bellies and/or going to baby showers.  And people at work are generally older and done having kids so no worries there.  So maybe it helps that I am somewhat protected and in my little bubble of not having to see friends that are pregnant?  Maybe it is just easier to see them on Facebook feeds and not in person?

As far as family in the area, most of my cousins are done having kids.  I have one aunt that I will see at Christmas that now has 8 grandchildren and every time I see her, she asks me when I am going to get pregnant/when CP and I are going to have kids.  I’ll be honest- it makes me want to punch her in the mouth.  Maybe I should tell her about my surgery last year- that has seemed to quiet CP’s family who no longer ask if/when we are going to have kids.  For the most part, family members are respectful and don’t ask over and over about when we will spawn although with our third anniversary coming up, I’m sure most of them are asking the question to themselves…..

Facebook Friends

Jealousy blah blah blah.  I’ll be honest, there are a few people that I am Facebook friends with that I didn’t really get along with when I went to school with them.  (I guess a good question is why am I FB friends with them???)  When I see them get pregnant and post kid pictures on their walls, I kind of want to punch them.  I don’t cope very well with pictures of their baby bellies or their kids, so maybe I should just unfriend them?

But for people that I was friends with that I don’t necessarily keep in touch with all that much, I am happy for them, while of course jealous.  Only ONE person out of my 590 Facebook friends has mentioned having trouble getting pregnant/going through infertility treatments- and it was shockingly a guy!  He mentioned once on his FB feed about going in for IVF the next day.  But other than that, I have no idea if other friends had trouble getting/staying pregnant so I try to use the same rationale of the random pregnant woman- who knows what their story is so you can’t hate them.  I also try not to worry about status updates- I can always hide people if need be and they may not know an infertile person.....so I take their posts with a grain of salt.  My view is that I wasn’t sensitive to infertility before we started trying so I shouldn’t expect others to be if they have no life experience with it. 

In the end, I can either let infertility control my entire life and be bitter about everything, or I can continue to live my life.  (While jealously is an ongoing theme, I make sure that it doesn't take over my emotions.  There are positives to not being pregnant.)  Just because I am having a problem doesn’t mean that I want other people to have to go through infertility as well.  So unless someone throws their fertility in my face or says something stupid/ignorant, I am as happy for them as I can be.  We all have our own battles and things to deal with…infertility is mine and I do my best to not let it affect others.

What do you do to cope with infertility?

Play my doctor

Come on down!  It’s time to play PLAY MY DOCTOR!

Here is the scenario.  I ovulated this weekend and CP and I correctly timed our bedroom activities.  I have a short luteal phase which means that I need the drug Crinone to extend my luteal phase to even have a chance of an embryo to implant in my uterus.   The dilemma is this- in the two+ years that CP and I have been trying both naturally and through IUIs, we have failed to become pregnant even ONCE.  (I guess it’s possible that an egg did fertilize at some point, but there was no implantation because of my luteal phase defect, but we will never know.)  So if we have any chance of this month becoming a really happy month (aka I finally get pregnant month), I have to use the Crinone.

HOWEVER, we already know that IVF is going to be expensive and possibly the only way that we get pregnant.  Insurance covers NOTHING.  I have heard that the drugs are the most expensive part, and I would think that Crinone would have to be part of my drug regime when we finally start the IVF process.  I have maybe a box and a half of Crinone left (there are 15 sticks per box) and I would have to use one a day.  Not to mention the mess that comes with using Crinone…  I haven’t met with our new RE just yet (Oct 1^st) so I don’t feel comfortable calling her to ask what she thinks.  She probably hasn’t even looked at my medical records yet.

So what would you do?  (tick tock tick tock)  Your options are:

1.        Take the Crinone.  You never know when it could be your month!

2.       Don’t take the Crinone and hold onto your stash until IVF treatment.

Blog friends- what do you think??

                              -----------------------------------------------------------

On another infertility note, with CP galavanting around England and Ireland for work, my next door neighbors invited me over for a casual BBQ with friends.  It ended up being a small gathering with my neighbors and two other couples, along with all of their kids.  When everyone found out that I didn’t have kids, I got the usual “our kids probably make you NOT want to have children.  Ha ha.”  UGH!

While the kids played around us in the backyard, one of the men started talking about Iowa and doing his residency there.  Turns out he is an OBGYN.  Actually, to be more specific, he is an infertility specialist.  I froze when I heard that.  I was wondering where this conversation was going to go and if I would have to excuse myself.  I just shut my mouth and decided not to talk for fear of outing myself as an infertile in front of our new neighbors and their friends.  The doctor then started talking about the practice and I realized that it was the practice that I would be going to in two short weeks.  Luckily his offices are not in the location that I am going to, but the doctor that I am scheduled to see on Oct 1^st shares an office location with him downtown.  I’m sure that doctors talk about patients within the practice (hopefully not with names or addresses!) to bounce ideas, get advice on treatment strategies, etc., but hopefully they don’t talk that much and/or give away identifying information. 

The conversation never took a weird turn and I didn’t end up saying a word.  Most likely the people around me had never needed fertility treatments as they were all, “oh that’s fantastic my friend X probably went to your clinic” and didn’t say anything about having troubles getting pregnant (they all had 2 or 3 kids appropriately spaced apart).  But I would have expected the doctor AND his wife to be a little more sensitive about what they said to me regarding kids.  They have no idea my age, but a married couple in their mid 30s that doesn’t have kids?  It wouldn’t have crossed either of their minds that we may be trying and not succeeding??  Or why not (on account of your job) realize that you  need to be more sensitive in general because who knows what my story is??

Potential for an awkward trip

This week CP and I booked a week-long trip this summer to Lake Winnipesaukee (NH). We will be sharing a house with two couples that we met while I went to law school (the husbands went to school with me). We have all managed to stay friends despite the fact that we live in CT, one couple lives in Chicago, and the other couple lives in DC.

I’m definitely looking forward to the week as we all haven’t been together since our wedding over two years ago. However….both couples have two kids. The couple that lives in DC had their first kid without trying very hard and their second was a “surprise” when they didn’t use a condom one night. One night.

The other couple tried for almost a year and were about to head in for infertility testing when they got pregnant with twins.

Of course we are super happy for both of them. But is it going to be weird spending a week with four kids if I’m not pregnant by this summer? Both women know about our fertility struggles. They know about my surgery and that we have been trying for a while. They both don’t push it in our face, but that doesn’t mean that the potential for awkwardness still may be there.

To top it off, we are not allowed to bring our dogs that week because our friend is worried about her kids and the big dogs. They used to watch Fuzzy Britches in law school so they know that she is gentle and kind, but the mother alarm has gone off in her. CP and I decided not to push the issue, but it’s rather annoying because yes, we do have big dogs but doggie gates can be used in the house and our dogs are well behaved (not to mention they would act as vacuum cleaners for anything that fell on the floor). Hopefully CP’s dad can watch the dogs that week or else our expenses go way up.

I’m just crossing my fingers that I am pregnant by then….but we all know how that venture has gone so far!

Thank you

Recently a close friend of mine suffered a pregnancy loss at 21 weeks. My heart went out to her as she sobbed on the phone to me. I wish that I lived closer so that I could have given her a hug and comforted her in person.

Over the course of our conversation she beat herself up because while devastated, she felt guilty for wondering when she could try to get pregnant again. My friend is a few years older so time is of the essence for her. Because I have started to read other infertility blogs in the past year, I was able to tell her that this was completely normal. That she should take the time to mourn her loss, but that when you are expecting to have a second child in your arms in a few short months, most people would want to know when they could start trying again.

She told me that my words were comforting at such a horrible time. I hope that they were.

The point of this story was simply that I am very grateful to this whole online community- and not just the IF community. Sharing your words helps EVERYONE because we all don’t have the same paths in life. If people didn’t open their lives and talk about their feelings on their blogs, I would have been at a loss as to what to say to my friend. Your words about depression, breakups, amazing vacations, workouts, funny stories, frustrations, etc. enrich my life. They make me a better person by seeing situations through your eyes.

THANK YOU.

Baby shower

Today my office held a baby shower for a coworker who is due in the beginning of January. I have to admit, it was a little hard. I am, of course, very happy for her. I have no idea if she had problems conceiving or how long they tried to have a child but at this point it doesn’t matter as she is almost to the finish line.

But during the shower my mind kept wandering to whether the office will ever get to throw ME a baby shower. Will I ever get to complain about a lack of sleep because I am too uncomfortable and big? Will I get to talk about the labor and delivery tour that I took of the hospital? Will I get to ask older coworkers about whether I should take a Lamaze class (it’s not applicable to me because I have to have a c-section, but still)?

When she was opening her presents I oooohed and aaaaahed with everyone. I mean everything is just so small and adorable! But afterwards while in a circle talking with the mother-to-be and four older women who all have kids I tried to play down my knowledge of giving birth/all things babies because I didn’t want to tip anyone off that we had been trying….or that I read pregnancy blogs…..or have talked about giving birth/pregnancy with friends that have kids.

Thankfully, the “NSC you are NEXT!” was not uttered. I have to be honest that I contemplated NOT going to the baby shower because I am literally the only childless married person in the office of child bearing age. The few others who could get pregnant or get someone pregnant are not in long term relationships (except for the gay guy and I don’t think pregnancy for either him or his partner is in the cards). I was terrified that someone was going to say something and I don’t know what my reaction would have been. Turn bright red? Start crying? Make a sarcastic deflective remark? Suddenly clam up? I have no idea.

These days not knowing what my reaction is going to be is tough. The hope that I have of getting pregnant is still tempered. I am still planning things for the spring thinking that we won’t be pregnant. If I didn’t do that I am not sure how emotionally stable I would be right now because if I can’t look forward to a pregnancy, I need to look forward to something else.

Kids help

This weekend CP and I are having a cookout. I’m excited to get friends together from different stages of both of our lives (that was one of the best parts of our wedding), including new friends in our current town.

This is our problem: most of our friends have kids. Our house is not set up for kids/childproofed so we are going to have to be careful about that. But we also don’t have any games or things for kids to do at our house. Obviously if there were no kids coming we would break out the stump and the Beirut table for some over-21 fun. But with kids that makes it more difficult.

We will have a mix of kids ranging from 18 months to 8 years old. We have the entire backyard to use- we were thinking of playing Bocce Ball (as long as the dogs don’t think the balls are their toys) because that is something that most of the kids and the adults could play. We also have a Frisbee and dog toys that squeak (ha ha). But other than that? No idea.

We don’t particularly want to spend money on things that will just sit at our house unused after this party. And with such a large age range, how are we going to keep all of them occupied? We were thinking that keeping the kids outside as much as possible would limit the damage they would do to our furniture/house inside. Thankfully it is scheduled to be a nice day out on Saturday.

HELP US. Do you have any ideas?

Attitude

Recently one of my coworkers spilled the beans that she is pregnant. Considering there are only a few of us young enough to have kids, everyone in the office got excited. I was talking to one of my friends who has one child (working on another) and told her the news.

“I’m sorry. I know how hard that must be for you.”

I was confused why she said that. Finding out that someone else is pregnant doesn’t upset me. I am happy for them. I was happy when two close friends announced that they were pregnant. I was also jealous because OF COURSE you want to be in the same boat as them…but not pissed.

Maybe she meant that I must be sad? I must admit that sometimes I do get sad. I wonder if I will have some of the experiences my friends have had….a baby kicking in my stomach, seeing my child’s face for the first time, watching CP be an amazing father, hearing my child’s first words, teaching my child how to walk/play sports/etc, teaching my child right from wrong, and generally watching them grow up. I do want these experiences and all of the good AND bad that comes with having kids. Sometimes I worry that if we stay childless we are going to lose some friends. Are some of our friends that have kids going to take vacations and not invite us because we don’t have kids?

Despite my occasional sadness over not being able to conceive so far, I would never want ANYONE to have to deal with infertility. It’s not something that I would wish on an enemy of mine. To wish and hope every month that THIS TIME will be different….and it is just the same old story.

But hating people that get pregnant (okay, I admit that I am not happy for druggies that are still able to get pregnant despite the fact they are ruining their bodies with illegal substances and in turn ruining their babies)? Wishing that others were going through my same journey? No.

It’s possible that I won’t have this attitude in a few years if we are still not pregnant….

Crying while running?

This weekend my half marathon training group had a 8 mile run planned. It would be my longest run ever.

I had an exhausting end to my week. Work was really stressful and frustrating and uncertainty with our parent company did not help matters.

Then on Friday towards the end of my day I received a phone call from a friend. The friend that I have been commiserating with because both of us are having trouble getting pregnant. Whadda know- she’s pregnant- with TWINS. I am, of course, overjoyed for her. But also jealous. They were about to go in and start the testing that CP and I have been through when she found out that she was pregnant.

So now two of my very close friends are pregnant and another one will probably start trying for her second soon.

Meanwhile, CP and I failed yet again this month. As soon as I saw blood I wasn’t surprised, but I was sad that it happened after only 26 days. I started to take B6 a little over a week ago and I don’t think that I have been taking it long enough for it to take effect. Maybe next month I will have a longer cycle.

Because this was such a long run the group spread apart pretty quickly. I usually run around the same pace as another woman but she went out faster than I was ready for on Saturday, so I ended up running most of the run by myself.

Was it a good idea that I basically had an hour and a half of time to think by myself? Probably not. Because around mile 4, despite the pumping music in my ears, I literally starting tearing up. Not because my body was in pain from running. Not because I was happy at the fact that I was going to finish an 8 mile run. It was because I started actually thinking about the possibility that I will never be a mother. That I will never get to feel what it is like to get pregnant or be pregnant, however unglamorous it can be. How I may never have a child that I can watch grow up. WHO DOES THIS? Who starts crying in the middle of a freaking RUN? Apparently me. Because I am crazy. And tired. And stressed.

Luckily my crying-while-running episode didn’t last too long because I realized how ridonkulous I must look. I tried to think about other topics and finished the run. I didn’t feel great or energized after the run. I just felt beat down.

-------------------------------------------------

On Sunday we put together three out of our four raised garden beds. I think that they came out great!

We started with a lot of wood. We used TimberSil which is a new kind of wood fused with glass. No chemicals leach into the soil, it is a very hard material which will prevent bowing, it should last a very long time and it is less expensive than cedar.

It took us the morning to finish the first bed.

By the afternoon we finished two 4 x 12 beds (the two on the right) and one 4 x 8 bed (on the left). We are going to use PVC piping (the arch on the bed on the right) with garden fabric to keep away pests and later in the season, to reduce the intensity of the sun on the lettuce so that we can have a longer season.

Now we have to finish the final bed (the longest and heaviest one- 4 x 16), dig up the grass for all four beds in order to drop the beds into the ground, fill with soil and start to plant! Hopefully we can get this done within the next month because we are starting to get behind!

Come on Friday...

Today I feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck. I’m sore, my throat hurts and my eyes are really puffy. So you get bullets today!

· Thank you for your kind words yesterday. I can’t dwell on it every month or else I will go nuts. Thus, I am looking forward to trying again this month- hopefully with different results so that I can make fun of myself and my whiny/worried posts!

· Buuuuuut, then I saw this video today. Women with lots of stress had a 12% less chance of getting pregnant. Dr. Gupta you just stressed me out even more about trying to conceive!! THE CYCLE CONTINUES.

· Part of the reason I am so tired today might have to do with the horrible sleep I got last night. At 2:30am I woke up startled to a loud crash. Fuzzy Britches had been sleeping in another room, but doesn’t like loud noises, so she came tearing into the room scared out of her mind. I put on my glasses to investigate and in my daze couldn’t find anything in the house that fell. As I tried to get back to sleep my heart was pounding as I had convinced myself that there was an axe murderer in the house who was going to rape and kill me. Sometimes I hate when CP is away on business.

· For those of you near a National Park, entrance fees will be waived THIS WEEKEND.

· CP gets home tonight. YAY!

· I was talking to a friend last night who recently had a kid. She was talking about how she put together a mom’s group and that while she really likes the other moms and their kids, how it is really hard to not compare your kid to another kid. And how when someone is talking about their kid, your eyes glaze over because you don’t care. You only care about your kid. My friend’s solution? Ask a lot of questions and be over-interested in the other kids as to not seem as if she feels like her kid is superior (which of course she is. She has her genes!). I started laughing because CP and I do THE SAME THING with other dogs. We KNOW that Fuzzy Britches is the CUTEST DOG EVER and actually have to make an effort when we see other dogs to compliment them or ask questions because although Fuzzy Britches is CLEARLY superior and CLEARLY cuter, we don’t want to seem as if we are rude. If we ever have a kid, it will just get worse…..

When your dog takes amazing photogenic pictures like this?? You know she is the sh*t.

She even has the wind-blown look down pat!

I'm back

I’m back from vacation and hopefully my writers block is now gone! I had a fantastic 9 days out in Colorado. Some of the highlights:

*Throwing my bridesmaid’s baby shower. She is a huge University of Texas fan and has decided against finding out the sex of the baby. Therefore, orange and white decorations!

*Skiing 5 days- once at Breckenridge, once at Vail, twice at Beaver Creek, and once at Loveland. We were all over the place!

*One of the days at Beaver Creek was spent in 9” of powder. I was a little nervous at first, but sat back a bit on my skis and had a great time going down mogul runs!

*The day at Loveland was spend with my sister-in-law, her husband and their two kids. Our niece is a bit of a fraidy-cat so she is slow and didn’t like when the wind was moving the chair lift a bit. On the other hand, our nephew had a fantastic time going through the trees and snowplowing all the way down the mountain (with no turns!).

View from the top of Loveland- BEAUTIFUL!!!

*Way too much drinking. We introduced a lot of our friends to Amarula, a liquor we found in South Africa. It’s kind of like Bailey’s but to this non-coffee drinker, it’s great. Our favorite shot of the week? Springbok shots- ¾ oz of Crème de Menthe (the green-colored one) and ¼ oz of Amarula. It tastes just like a thin mint Girl Scout cookie. Delicious!

*Hanging out with friends. One couple we hadn’t seen in almost two years because they were not able to make it out to our wedding.

*Spending time with CP. Despite the fact that there were many others in the ski condo, I got to spend the entire 9 days with CP as he was able to take vacation time off from his current consulting job in OH.

*Finding out that one of my friends has officially gone off the pill so that she and her husband can start making babies once he gets a full time job (he is working two part jobs and has been in search of a full time position for almost two years).

*Finding out that our friends that couldn’t make it out to ski condo had a healthy baby girl!

The Business of Being Born

A couple of weeks ago my pregnant bridesmaid mentioned that she watched the documentary “The Business of Being Born.” I had never heard about it, so I went online to look up the synopsis. The Blockbuster review said that it was a good movie for people who are thinking about getting pregnant in addition to those women that were already pregnant. Although CP and I aren’t trying just yet, I figured that he would be out of town last weekend so I would check it out.

I wasn’t quite prepared for watching women give birth on screen. I mean, other than the movie “Knocked Up” which had the one scene where Katherine Heigl’s character is giving birth and they show the baby’s head start to pop out, I haven’t seen a birth since watching “The Miracle of Birth” in sex ed in middle school. The fact that these women were nude and giving birth in tubs in their home was quite surprising. It was quite different from the scenes they showed of women giving birth in hospitals.

I’ll be honest. When we heard about our friends in NYC that gave birth last month at home, I was like, “huh? How does that even work? What if something happens?* Why would you want to do that?” After this movie though? The whole using the midwife as opposed to a doctor and giving birth in a midwife birthing center sounds appealing. I am obviously getting ahead of myself, but it’s never too early to start doing your homework.

Most pregnancies (according to the movie…would have to do more research to verify) are normal and go according to plan. No drugs, no C-sections, etc. needed. So while I don’t think that I would like to have a baby at home (who would clean stuff like the afterbirth up?), the women that had midwifes seemed calmer in spite of all of the pain. Being in control of the whole birthing process sounds a lot more appealing than a doctor pushing drugs or pushing a c-section so that you can get the birth over with.

Now this movie was obviously skewed towards using midwives and home births. But after discussing the movie with CP, I would think that we would do more research into the topic when the time to have kids gets closer. In the end it is what we would feel comfortable with.


*Actually, in the movie one of the filmmakers gets pregnant, starts going into labor early and the baby is breech. They end up bringing her to the hospital and she has to have a C-section. She was planning on having a home birth, but it just shows that if something does happen, you do have a back-up plan.

WHAT WHAT WHAT????!!!???

I swear that I will write some of my own words at some point this week....work has been busy (yay!) so I haven't had time to sit down and digest this weekend and some of the other things that have been going on lately.

For today, I give you a CRAZY story that CP's pseudo-family member (the one who hassled my friend at one of my wedding showers) posted on Facebook with the message "amazing video." Ummm, okay weird lady. (Click on the link if you want to see the video- I personally won't be viewing it at work.)



Sarah Evans reached out, gently stroking the dolphin's side. Her labour pangs subsided as she breathed deeply, relaxing in the warm waters of the Red Sea.

Despite opposition from the Israeli authorities, Sarah had decided to go ahead and give birth with the dolphins to 'help' her. And although she had reservations about the lack of hospital facilities available if anything went wrong, within three hours she was holding a healthy baby son.

Sarah had flown out to the Israeli resort of Eilat specifically to give birth with dolphins in the Red Sea. She was one of six pregnant women and a team of doctors, therapists and masseurs who flew to Eilat after months of preparation by London obstetrician Dr. Gowri Motha. The idea was for the dolphins to act as aquatic 'midwives', helping the women to have a tranquil labour.

But the Israeli authorities were not impressed by the idea of the controversial births. Concerned for the safety of the women and their babies, they banned the scheme after health inspectors ruled it could expose mothers and babies to infections. But Sarah was absolutely determined to go ahead, and ignored the ruling. In the end, she was the only one in the group to experience giving birth in the Red Sea.

When she went into labour at midnight, 31-year old Sarah trekked from her hotel room to the beach and the Dolphin Reef sanctuary, where she gave birth to baby Samuel in a heated, glass-bottomed pool. As she hoped, the Reef's six dolphins - Hindu, Cindy, Shi, Dicky Dana and Domino - came to investigate. Sarah, who used Dr Motha's technique of self-hypnosis during her three-hour labour, was able to touch one of them as it circled around her. Husband Jonathan, a 30-year old recruitment agency owner, was there to cut the umbilical cord as Samuel came into world at 3am.

Dr. Motha, 43, has spent 20 years researching childbirth, and believes that dolphins can help a woman deliver with almost no pain by passing an underwater sonar messages of support. And Sarah agrees: "Giving birth in the Red Sea with the dolphins was the most wonderful experience of my life," she says. "I was in complete control of the situation and didn't feel under any pressure to perform, as you do in a hospital with the doctors and nurses milling about."It happened so quickly, and I wasn't in any pain. The dolphins came close - but not too close. It felt like they wanted their presence to be known, but didn't want to be too intrusive," she says. Just 30 minutes after the birth, Sarah walked up the sandy beach with her new-born son, and by 4 am she was celebrating with champagne back at the hotel. Sarah, who also has a three-year old son Joshua, says she has no regrets about her unusual labour, even though it meant sneaking out in the night to avoid the authorities.

Now back at home in East Sussex, she says she and baby Samuel are fighting fit. "My only reservation was that while I was in labour I didn't have the option of hospital facilities if I needed them," she says.

Dolphins are said to be able to sense if a woman is pregnant - before she may know herself in some cases - and if there are any pregnant women in the water, they often pay them particular attention.

The other five women who went to Eilat say swimming with the dolphins in the weeks leading up to giving birth was an experience they'll never forget. And Sarah describes how, when she was out swimming in the sea in the weeks before the birth, she'd feel Samuel kicking whenever the dolphins came near and she could touch them.

Dr. Motha, who's committed to encouraging women to opt for natural births and self-hypnosis techniques during labour, hailed the project as a great success. "The fact that one woman gave birth in the sea with dolphins made the trip worthwhile," she said.

"Women feel safe when they're in the water with dolphins. These wonderful mammals understand joy at a very deep level. Swimming with them enables a prospective mother to be in touch with joy, which is the true essence to birth. Hospitals tend to turn the birth of a child into an organized, sanitized affaire over which the professionals, rather than mothers have control."

Friday bits and pieces

I've just got bullets for you today:

• Thanks to all that voted yesterday. I have to say that I am somewhat shocked that everyone wanted word verification. I would have expected all of the votes to go to comment moderation (not like I would have censoring anything- just the spam). Well, I’ll give you what you guys want and maybe in a few months I’ll open it back up again.
• TGIF. This weekend I am heading down to DC for a friend’s baby shower. She is the one that I had the baby talk with last spring and was the pregnant lady at my bachelorette party. I can’t wait to see her pregnant (she wasn’t showing at the wedding). A number of other friends from law school are flying in so it will be nice to see them too.
• My 30 day salad challenge is going well. I have only missed one day and that was due to poor circumstances. Last weekend CP and I headed up to NH to do some skiing and I wasn’t able to have a salad on Saturday. We had packed PB & J sandwiches to eat for lunch in order to not spend money at the mountain and then dinner consisted of ordering pizza. If I had thought about it, I probably could have ordered a salad on the side, but didn’t. However, I’m proud of my 21 out of 22 days so far!
• Speaking of skiing, CP and I had a GREAT day on Saturday. The weather was fantastic and the snow felt great. We both noticed such a difference in our endurance this time around. When we lived out west and went skiing a lot, we weren’t working out consistently. We would often come home after a day of skiing and pass out from exhaustion (not to mention the extra altitude). On Saturday we were raring to go! Unfortunately our friend P was not. He is very out of shape and we had to stop quite a bit on runs so that he could catch up. He was constantly out of breath and for someone who is my age? That’s pretty scary because it’s not like we were racing down the runs. Hopefully this is his swift kick in the a** to get him going to the gym and losing weight!
• Speaking of working out, my workouts have been pretty good recently. This week I started the 30 Day Shred again and figuring that I would do it a couple times a week to supplement my lunch-time workouts. Since I’m in better shape these days, the Shred has been a bit easier. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with some of the exercises (especially b/c I don’t have 3 lb weights, only 5 lb!), but it feels great.

Have a great weekend!

Honeymoon worries

So, I lied. I started a post about the wedding and because I wanted to write everything down, the post became too long. So I decided to break them up into smaller posts for next week so that you guys will have something to read while I am gone. I planned on a quick recap of the whole weekend, but then decided that I want to make sure that I remember everything- thus the longer posts. Hopefully they don’t bore you. :-)

Hopefully we get out early today as CP and I have a date with Amtrak to head down to NYC. We plan on a short visit with friends that just had a baby about two weeks ago (10 lbs, 7 oz- the wife is my HERO) and therefore couldn’t make it to the wedding and then spending time with friends who made the trek to NH for our big weekend. Then Sunday morning, AFRICA.

That is, after the 15 HOUR flight down to Johannesburg. In COACH. I sincerely hope that CP and I don’t have middle seats AND that we don’t have seats in the way back that don’t recline. I might just cry if that happens. I also plan on playing up the fact that we are on our honeymoon. I know that it won’t get us first class seats, but maybe free drinks? Or a bit better seats? :-)

Overall, I am not worried about the trip, just excited. However, there are a few things that I am wary about.

1. Johnannesburg is a city where you are not supposed to walk around at night. We have one day and one night there at the end of our trip and transportation has been arranged for us to get to dinner and our tour (of the city and Soweto).

2. According to a number of articles, the water in South Africa is one of the best in the world. However, recent news articles have talked about the presence of cholera in the water near Kruger National Park, so I think that we are going to be sticking to bottled water. Even if we have to buy bottled water, I am SO excited to hopefully see lions, elephants, baboons, rhinos, cheetas, giraffes, hippos, etc. Supposedly October is a great month to go because it is fairly dry and with the lack of water, there isn’t as much vegetation for the animals to hide behind. :-)

3. Tofo, Mozambique is going to be…..interesting. I read stories about hotels being double booked and the country’s general lack of knowledge about how to function with tourists. Needless to say, we are going to need PATIENCE. I am a little worried about crime. CP has a huge backpack for his nice digital SLR camera with all of the different lenses and I’m not sure we are going to bring it out too much in this country. I am not bringing my engagement ring so that we don’t attract attention. Not that CP and I are going to spend a ton of time apart from each other, but supposedly I shouldn’t venture away from the crowded parts of the beach as I might get abducted or raped. Fun!

Anyway, I hope to come back with wonderful and amazing stories of all of the animals we will see on land and in the ocean (our first time in the Indian Ocean!). But for now I just worry (just a teensy bit) of the things that could go wrong. Don't worry....I did this before I went down to Buenos Aires and had absolutely no problem down there.