Today my office held a baby shower for a coworker who is due in the beginning of January. I have to admit, it was a little hard. I am, of course, very happy for her. I have no idea if she had problems conceiving or how long they tried to have a child but at this point it doesn’t matter as she is almost to the finish line.
But during the shower my mind kept wandering to whether the office will ever get to throw ME a baby shower. Will I ever get to complain about a lack of sleep because I am too uncomfortable and big? Will I get to talk about the labor and delivery tour that I took of the hospital? Will I get to ask older coworkers about whether I should take a Lamaze class (it’s not applicable to me because I have to have a c-section, but still)?
When she was opening her presents I oooohed and aaaaahed with everyone. I mean everything is just so small and adorable! But afterwards while in a circle talking with the mother-to-be and four older women who all have kids I tried to play down my knowledge of giving birth/all things babies because I didn’t want to tip anyone off that we had been trying….or that I read pregnancy blogs…..or have talked about giving birth/pregnancy with friends that have kids.
Thankfully, the “NSC you are NEXT!” was not uttered. I have to be honest that I contemplated NOT going to the baby shower because I am literally the only childless married person in the office of child bearing age. The few others who could get pregnant or get someone pregnant are not in long term relationships (except for the gay guy and I don’t think pregnancy for either him or his partner is in the cards). I was terrified that someone was going to say something and I don’t know what my reaction would have been. Turn bright red? Start crying? Make a sarcastic deflective remark? Suddenly clam up? I have no idea.
These days not knowing what my reaction is going to be is tough. The hope that I have of getting pregnant is still tempered. I am still planning things for the spring thinking that we won’t be pregnant. If I didn’t do that I am not sure how emotionally stable I would be right now because if I can’t look forward to a pregnancy, I need to look forward to something else.
1 comment:
Oh, that sounds tough. I'm glad you didn't get thrown any remarks that would have made it harder and I think you're going about your planning for the spring in a very, very smart way. Hope for the best case, plan for the not best case and all that jazz. It makes good sense. Hugs!
Post a Comment