Sick days and mom guilt

Yesterday I took a needed sick day. Over the weekend I could feel the sickness starting and Sunday night I was fairly miserable with a cough that while productive, was leaving a bloody/metallic taste in my mouth. I didn't sleep well that night and when I woke up, achy, still coughing, and exhausted, I decided not to go into work.

Faced with the prospect of not working AND not having Izzy at home all day, after dropping her off at daycare and taking a short walk with Buster before it got too hot out, I went back to bed for almost two hours. It was glorious.

CP and I had a conference call with our financial advisor to talk to her about the house remodel, I had lunch, and then the mom guilt kicked in. I was still coughing, but no longer achy, and I was feeling rested. I needed to show that I actually did something with my time so I fired up some podcasts and did four loads of laundry, vacuumed rugs, swept floors, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned the bathrooms. It actually was sort of enjoyable when listening to my podcasts at the same time (must have been a combination of the podcasts distracting from what I was doing and nesting).

But man, this mom guilt is crazy. When I was in the third trimester with Izzy, if I had a free day I would have felt somewhat obligated to do something with my time if I was feeling better, but I wouldn't necessarily do it. This time around I knew that I couldn't squander the entire day. I had taken care of myself that morning by sleeping, but I needed to justify the day off. CP was quite surprised when he came home and the house was so clean.

Today I am back at work, still coughing but not always tasting blood in my throat. I need to save my sick time so that I can get paid during my maternity leave, so I can't really afford to take any more days off. I don't really have the abs to do all of this coughing and I'm sure the baby is wondering what is going on with all of the belly shaking when I do cough! Fingers crossed I am feeling better by this weekend as it is my sister's wedding and I'm going to be tired enough from all of the activities without being sick as well.

Sigh of relief

I know that I just posted, but I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. My doctor just called to tell me that my blood test came back and everything is normal with the baby. Phew. Being of "Advanced Maternal Age" (even though I was 34 when pregnant with Izzy and only weeks away from turning 35 when I delivered) this time has really screwed with my head. And oddly enough, I think that conceiving naturally has me waiting for the other shoe to drop more so then when I conceived using IVF. It doesn't make any sense, but I guess that it is still unbelievable to me that this miraculous pregnancy might actually result in a baby.

CP is ready to tell people now but willing to wait until I am ready. I want to make it through my extra ultrasound tomorrow....and then probably my next doctor appointment on February 9th before we start thinking about telling people. I'm currently in my 13th week and technically I'm not in the second trimester until Sunday so I would feel better getting officially past the second trimester mark before telling people. I know that a few days shouldn't make a difference but again, lots of crazy thoughts this time around!

PHEW. Another hurdle passed.

Microblog Mondays: Jinx

I'm not sure why our culture is fixated on the concept of jinxes. I myself don't really believe in fate, but still worry that I am going to jinx myself at times.

This weekend it was worrying about jinxing the pregnancy. CP and I were putting away Christmas decorations in the attic and because we don't go up there too often, I asked him to  bring down my bag full of maternity clothes and the Snoogle. I'm not ready to start wearing maternity clothes just yet but figured that I should at least start to wash them. As I put my first load in, I wondered if I should wait until after my next appointment. I also felt nervous spilling the news to CP's mom, dad, and my sister (my parents already knew) this weekend. Would I jinx the pregnancy by seeming too hopeful about the future? I mean, I'm still in the first trimester, the blood test screening isn't until next week, and I still have other milestones to hit like the 20 week ultrasound and viability.

But something in me wants to believe that this is real and that this pregnancy is going to go the distance. For now, I hold onto that thought and try to push out the other negative thoughts.


Want to read more Microblog Mondays or participate? Go here. 

Symptom spotting

With only one day left I am beginning to symptom spot. I am trying my best not to think about it but it is simply not working. Of course all of this could be over if I went out and bought a pregnancy test, but I refuse to spend the money. I'll find out via phone call in a little over 24 hours anyway.

Today I woke up and am feeling very crampy. I KNOW that this could be because of the Endometrin but it hasn't gone away yet. Period-like cramps were what I felt about two days before the beta with IVF #1/Izzy....but I also had sore boobs. So far no sore boobs. Other than a headache last night and some constipation (both of which could be blamed on the progesterone), that's all I got. A little cramping does not make a pregnancy- especially from an IUI.

I really shouldn't be getting my hopes up with just one day left to go. It will only lead to disaster tomorrow while I am at work.

Snippets

I know that most people in my life have no idea what is going on right now but I really wish that people would stop asking "how are you?" I of course lie and say "fine" but what I really want to say is "sh*tty as I have a non-viable pregnancy in my uterus right now." But that wouldn't be socially acceptable.

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Last night I felt a lot of cramping as I went to bed and throughout the night. I was convinced that I was going to start bleeding any time now today....but so far nothing. While it would be nice to have this happen naturally, today would have been THE WORST DAY to have it happen at the office because I had to run a two hour task force meeting, participate in a 1.5 hour videoconference, and meet with my boss' boss and a director. And that was just part of my day. Thankfully, my body has cooperated so far.

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Unfortunately, my HCG went up past 6000 as of Weds. So now even after I miscarry it is going to take just that much longer to head down to 0. *sigh*

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Tonight I am having dinner with two of my good girl friends from my time in law school. They are both part of the couples that we vacation with every year- and will be doing so again in August. Part of our worry about scheduling the week long vacation in August was that one of the women and I both were hoping to be pregnant early this year. You guys obviously know how that is currently working out for me...so far no word on whether my friend who gets pregnant if her husband sneezes on her will show up knocked up to this dinner (she is in from out of town). I just know that both of my friends are going to ask how it is going with us. The friend that lives here in Chicago CP and I saw the day we found out I was pregnant from the frozen transfer...but because we weren't ready to tell anyone I lied and said that it wasn't going well. But tonight if asked I am going to have a to be honest because we are scheduled to go out to dinner Saturday night as couples and after taking Misoprostol tomorrow, I am thinking that I may not be up for dinner with everyone....

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I have no idea what to think about tomorrow. I'm wondering if because I had crazy heavy periods before my fibroid/endo surgery if it will be similar to that just more emotional?

Anxious Day

In the shower this morning I convinced myself that when I get to the ultrasound on Friday, we will see nothing. Not just nothing because it is too early but because this pregnancy wasn't sustainable. I don't have any actual basis for this other than I am having no symptoms of this pregnancy. Sure I was crying a lot last week but my tears over random things have stopped. I had some cramping last week, but that also has gone away. I'm very tired but that could just be the progesterone. My boobs aren't even sore. I didn't have a lot of symptoms with Izzy in the first trimester either- but my boobs were DEFINITELY sore. 

Today I am 5 weeks, 4 days. With Izzy at 5 weeks, 5 days we saw the fetal pole, gestational sac, yolk sac, and even the heartbeat.  With my lower beta numbers I don't expect to see all of that on Friday (at 5 weeks, 6 days), but am truly worried that we will see nothing at all. I am on what feels like 10 different kinds of progesterone so if there is something wrong the drugs are likely just delaying the inevitable. A thought I had when walking from the train this morning is thinking about who I will contact to ask about miscarriage options. WTF.

I truly sound morbid today. I have no reason to freak out but I am doing it anyway. I guess I blame the not as stellar beta numbers this time around, even though there are potentially valid reasons as to why they started out lower and didn't quite double. Can 11:30 on Friday get here faster please?????

Welcome ICLW readers!

I haven't done ICLW in a very long time but decided to sign up this month on a whim. 

For those that are new to this space, I am Non Sequitur Chica (NSC for short). The rest of the crew is made up of my husband, CP, my 15 month old daughter, Izzy, and our Bernese Mountain Dog, Buster. After three years of TTC- which included surgery for fibroids/endo, 3 IUIs, and then IVF- our daughter was born. My husband and I are a bit older so we decided to try for #2 sooner rather than later so we did a frozen transfer of the one frozen embryo on February 12th and I found out that I was pregnant on Sunday!

My beta yesterday came back at 55 which made me a bit nervous, but I decided to take another pregnancy test this morning to see if the line was getting darker.

Sunday test

Tues test

It's hard to tell if the line is much darker in the second test, but I took the pictures in two different bathrooms so the lighting might be off?

The two tests together

Clearly in this picture the Tuesday test is darker but this picture was taken more than 10 minutes after I took the test so I don't know if the line is valid or not.

I was hoping that taking this test would make me feel a little better, but there is nothing that I can do so I am going to try not to worry about it. With my HCG at 55 we are just hoping for at least 110 tomorrow morning...and that is not a lot so the line would likely not look too different. I just keep remembering the dark lines from when I was pregnant with Izzy (when my HCG was over 200 on my first beta) and can't expect that with this smaller beta number.

Today, I am pregnant. Tomorrow, I hope for good news.

Crazy hormones

As expected by my bloodwork and ultrasound last week, my period came this week.  I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound on Weds and everything looks good and calm hormone-wise. My doctor wants to make sure that my lining isn't too thick before we start the meds so I had another appointment this morning. Hopefully it looks good and this afternoon I get my revised schedule. Hopefully I will start meds this weekend with a possible transfer date of Feb 10th.

To be honest, I was flying high earlier this month, completely convinced that nothing was going to go wrong and that the frozen transfer would work. I had a relatively easy time with my last transfer and pregnancy so my body is fixed, right? (Fixed in the sense that medical intervention is still necessary, but it would always work.) When my body didn't follow the plan, I started to doubt the success of the transfer. I now vacillate between thinking "Of course it is going to work! Your fresh cycle worked on the first try- why wouldn't this one?" And thinking "Why am I being so naive? I know that there are so many variables to getting and staying pregnant. Why do you think you are going to go 2 for 2?" So that's my fun mental state. 

In other news, I'm not handling CP's 3 week trip to Thailand very well with all of the Lupron and PMS hormones racing through my body. Last Saturday I went to the baby shower and there, one of CP's coworkers mentioned that CP had volunteered to take on a lot of the work on this Thailand trip which is why he has been gone so much.* So with that in my head, yesterday I was convinced that he is taking all of these business trips to get away from me and our marriage and that I should ask him if he is happy in our marriage before we have a second child. Yes, a totally insane thought that I have so far kept to myself. 

And then of course there is the ever-present thought that he has no idea how difficult it is when he is gone and that he doesn't appreciate all that I do. With the 13 hour time difference we basically get to talk for 10 minutes a day (some days not at all) and then I don't hear from him the rest of the day. Last night I told him that not hearing from him, even if it's just a check in email or to tell me a funny story about something that happened to him during the day, made me sad. That didn't go over too well even though I acknowledged that some of my sadness was likely due to hormones. 

Being lonely and sad, with a bunch of hormones coursing through your veins, lack of emotional support from your husband, and tons of stress from work is not a recipe for a happy NSC.

*I won't bore you with other details but in the end, I don't think that CP volunteered to travel this much.

Friday Non Sequitur thoughts

*Can someone please figure out how to grow asparagus that doesn't make your pee smell?

*It is wayyyyy too humid in Chicago right now. Last night I ran a 5K in the city with some co-workers and I was drenched and very stinky by the end.  My legs felt like lead for the last mile.  Ugh.

*This morning I speed-walked to a presentation I had to give a mile away from my office (my train into the city ran late). Thank goodness I was the second presenter because when I entered the room it gave my body a chance to cool down and stop sweating. I felt super-professional.  HA.

*Speaking of work, my boss gave me rave reviews yesterday which is always nice to hear even if it was sort of expected.  He encouraged me to apply for a supervisor position if it ever comes up.

*Speaking of my boss, it's sort of nice to have a male boss simply because I will never run into him in the bathroom. My last couple of bosses were women and while I loved that, it was sort of awkward when you saw them in the bathroom. Do you make small talk? Do you just do your business in silence? Am I the only one that finds that situation awkward?

*I'm part of a moms group on Facebook and honestly, some of the posts that I see scare me. A few weeks ago there was a question from a mother of a 4 year old boy and when other moms would let their sons go into the boys bathroom by themselves (I guess he was asking to do so). While I obviously have a daughter and don't have to worry about that, some of the moms were posting about strangers molesting their kids and other crazy, rare occurrences (btw, 90% of molestations are by people your kid knows- family, priest, coach, etc) and saying that the kids would have to be at least 8 or 10 years old before they allowed them in the mens bathroom. Seriously? As a mother, of course the thought goes through your mind of all of the bad things that could happen to your kid, but the chances of that actually happening are slim to none. What are the chances that a child molester is going to happen to be in the bathroom with your child at the same time? And even if that did happen, there is a strong chance that there would be another male adult that could intervene if need be. It's similar to people that get so scared about getting blown up in a terrorist attack on a plane or getting eaten by a shark. What a crappy life to constantly be worried. Our culture is truly fearful of some of the silliest things and no wonder why kids grow up not knowing how to do things with all of these helicopter parents! Hmmm....maybe this should have been a post on its own!

Last bottle

Yesterday I gave my last bottle of breastmilk to Izzy. 

Yes I took a picture of it

I made sure that I gave it to her for her morning bottle so that I would be the person to give her the last bottle of breastmilk. 

Yes I took a picture of Izzy drinking it because I am clearly insane

It sounds a little crazy, I know, but stopping before I was completely ready has made me a little weird about the whole thing. Now we move into a few months of expensive formula before switching over to cow's milk. 

I am happy that I was able to nurse Izzy for as long as I did. Frankly, I probably would have kept nursing her in the morning and at night for a while if she would have let me. But there are definite positives to having milk-free boobs once again. (I can finally declare my boobs milk-free as of last Weds.) I am doing my best to think about all of the positives, but I am still surprisingly sad about no longer nursing.  This is despite the fact that when I am feeding her a bottle, I get to look into her eyes more than I did while she was nursing (big boob problems).

Every once in a while I get a twinge in my boobs but they have deflated as they are supposed to. Now I'm waiting for them to shrink a little (please, please shrink!).

All of my pumping parts, my nursing pillows, lanolin, maternity clothes, nursing clothes, and clothes that Izzy no longer fits into have been boxed up and put into the attic. I hope with all of my heart that I get to use everything up there again.

Thoughts about death

While CP was in Thailand for two weeks for work, I took Izzy up to my parent's place in MI two weekends in a row.  The second weekend- at least the start of it- was a complete disaster.  Not 15 minutes into my drive I tried my best to go around a bad part of the road, but ended up hitting the bump funny.  When I heard the "clunk" I knew that it was something bad.  I pulled over in a parking lot and got out to survey the damage.

Everything looked intact near the rear right wheel.  I felt the tires- check.  Made sure the rim was still attached to the tire- check. I then decided to continue driving as I couldn't see anything wrong.

About 30 minutes later I was still hearing clunking noises as I drove when CP called from Thailand.  Even he could hear the clunking noises over the phone!  I pulled over on the highway and got out again to see if I could see anything.  I ended up pulling on a cylinder behind the tire and realizing that it was loose on the side making noise.  I sent this picture to CP and asked him to do some internet searching to figure out if driving with this loose part was dangerous. 

The loose part

I only had three options: 1. keep driving and hope that I got to MI safely; 2. call my parents and ask them to drive from MI to pick me, Izzy, and Buster up and bring me home; or 3. call a tow truck and figure out a way home while also trying to figure out how to transport Buster, a dog that does not like strangers when he first meets them (so not really a good option).

CP ended up figuring out that it was the shock and as far as he could tell from internet searches, it was okay to drive the car.  I got back on the road and called my parents to let them know what was going on and to keep their phones on them in case something happened and I needed them to pick me up.  I white-knuckled the rest of the drive, driving slower than usual and staying clear of potholes.  I told myself that I was an awful mother continuing to make this drive and that I shouldn't put Izzy or Buster at risk.  Visions of my rear right tire flying off the car went through my head.  Then once the tire flew off, I figured that I wouldn't be able to control the car so the visions became me crashing into the metal barrier between the highway and the lake that I was driving past.  I thought about how the hell I was going to save Izzy when she was in her car seat while the car slowly sank to bottom of the lake.

Horrible thoughts right?  I have always had some weird, dark thoughts....usually around big events.  It's usually worries about something happening to someone I love.  Like something happening to CP before our wedding.  I was really worried about something happening to my parents before I moved out to Chicago two years ago  I still worry about something happening to me or CP and can envision the headlines- "Parent of 5 month old baby dies (insert awful way to die)."  I have more of these thoughts of death and dying now that Izzy is here. I don't dwell on them but the quantity has increased. Oddly enough, they are never about Izzy.

Maybe this is normal?  Because I now have a child that is dependent on me maybe I have some more anxiety over the possibility that something could happen to me, CP, or both of us?

Clearly I am still here so I did end up making it to my parent's house that night.  After Izzy went to bed I relaxed after three glasses of wine.  Between getting my period that week, the car ride, single parenting for two weeks, and stress the wine was sorely needed!

We took the car to the dealership the next morning to make sure I could drive it back to Chicago without a problem and were told that would be okay.  The car went into the shop that next week and unfortunately, it wasn't just the shocks that needed repair. $2200 later I didn't  have to worry about the safety of my car anymore...just my credit card bill.

So many thoughts....

Two nights ago I headed over to a neighbor's house. She just gave birth on Halloween so I was meeting her new baby for the first time. It was pretty amazing because I have not been in the presence of a newborn since right after college (crazy huh? That's what happens when you move so much!).  My neighbor asked if I wanted to hold her baby. As I held the baby I realized that I would soon have one of my own in less than a month- WHOA.

Then last night, CP and I finally took the tour of our hospital (turns out we really didn't need it after our two trips to L & D earlier this pregnancy- oh well).  But they did show us the nursery floor and we saw a few just-born babies. Oddly enough, I almost teared up thinking of how OUR BABY is going to be in that room in a few short weeks.

I know that all first time moms are nervous about giving birth and becoming a mom. I guess I am not so nervous about the giving birth part. My fibroid/endo surgery gave me a taste of how much the c-section is going to suck- especially when I can't just lay on the couch and have CP and my mom help me- I will have a baby to take care of and I won't be able to just sleep away the pain.

But no, I worry about how I am going to react as a mother. As I have mentioned before, I didn't always think that I wanted to be a mother. I knew that I was too selfish at the time and that my relationships were not stable enough (or the men worthy enough). But after meeting CP I knew that eventually, I would like kids.

As I held my neighbor's newborn, it felt not so scary.  But then again, the newborn slept the entire time, making a few funny faces during her nap.  I thought, "I can handle this."  But this was not a screaming baby at 2am when I haven't slept in weeks.  This was not the probable pain of breastfeeding, no mommy guilt over something I likely can't control, no worrying about why the baby hasn't pooped in a few days, etc. 

Having kids means changing our life and lifestyle completely. Because we are older and more set in our ways, is that going to be harder for us?  I know we are better off because partying at bars and hanging out until the wee hours of the night is long behind us, but gone will be the days when we can come home from work and veg on the couch.  Gone will be the days when we just have to worry about the two of us and the dogs.  I know that it is going to be extremely hard, but everyone says that it is totally worth it. I wonder when I will feel that it is worth it? Is it when I hold MY child for the first time? Is it not until my kid first smiles at me?  Or is it even later?

Some people, as soon as they get pregnant, love the child inside them. I wonder if keeping the gender a surprise is keeping me from really bonding with the baby? I don't think that I am trying to protect myself in case something happens in the last few weeks.  Yes, the thought does go through my head, but for the most part I am optimistic that things will go well and in a few short weeks I will have a baby in my arms.  I have definitely felt protective of my belly and the baby throughout this pregnancy, but I can't say that I love the baby yet. I don't know anything about the baby- what it looks like, its personality, etc. For me it's hard to love something that is still not a reality.  But then I also feel bad that I don't already love the baby that has been inside me since March.

*sigh* I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about becoming a mother. I guess I will find out some of the answers to my questions and thoughts soon enough.

Dreams

A lot of women tend to have very vivid dreams when they are pregnant.  I have heard quite often they are scary, like having a dream that you lost your baby in a store or something similar.

But for me, I went a full 29 weeks before having a pregnancy dream.  Or at least one that I could remember (and I remember a lot of my dreams).  So far the most prevalent theme in my dreams is CP either going off to be with another woman, or oogling another woman right in front of me.  And of course when I wake up I am furious at him.  My pregnancy book says that these dreams are basically my subconscious telling me that I am not feeling good about myself and my body.

Which honestly? Is sort of surprising and then sort of not surprising.  I mean, in NO WAY do I feel sexy while pregnant.  Especially recently because I had to ask CP to go to the store to get hemorrhoid wipes with witch hazel. There is NOTHING sexy about that request.  Even though I have only gained 14 pounds so far, I do feel big.  Most if not all of the weight is in my baby belly, but I still hate my upper arms and the cottage cheese on the back of my thighs and my butt.  The only thing that I don't miss is having to suck in my stomach-  no way to do that these days!!

Hopefully because I haven't gone crazy with eating crappy food and because I haven't gained a ton of weight it will be a bit easier to get the baby weight, IVF drug weight, and the weight that I put on because I wasn't working out/being good to myself last winter off my body, but then again I am going to be so tired from not sleeping that I know that it is going to be difficult.

I have known from the beginning of my pregnancy that CP wouldn't find my baby belly sexy (we had a discussion about it early on).  I'm okay with that.  He said that a baby belly wouldn't turn him on, but it doesn't disgust him or anything.  I'm not sure if anything has changed now that *I* have a pregnant belly, but I also know that we haven't had any *ahem* issues in the bedroom since I got pregnant.

I haven't had one of these dreams recently, so maybe they had a lot do with the fact that people weren't recognizing that I was pregnant and I was worried that people just thought that I was fat??   

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I'm happy to report that last week I did in fact have my first dream about the baby.  In my dream it was a he and he was still in my belly.  However, I had some sort of amazing body because while still pregnant, I could flip up my skin and check in on the baby.  He was a beautiful baby with dark hair and blue eyes, about the size of my hand.  I took him out of my belly and marveled in how adorable he was.  Then suddenly there was a play gym for the baby next to me and he started crawling towards it and playing on it- I was shocked that even in utero my baby could crawl!  LOL.  Eventually I put him back in my belly because I was sitting in some sort of loft and I didn't want him to fall off.

So ummm I'm not sure what this dream means, but at least it was a happy dream!

More belly thoughts

Isn't it ridonkulous how many thoughts I have had about my ever-expanding belly? But yet they keep coming.

Three more recent ones:

1. Now that my belly is becoming more prominent, more people can tell that I am pregnant.  I am just waiting for the day that someone comes up to me and judges something that I am doing.  For instance, I had a TOUGH morning last Tuesday.  I had an intense meeting with people very high up in my company and frankly, I haven't had pit stains that large in a while!  :-)  So for lunch, despite the high salt content, I thought that I would treat myself to a cheeseburger and french fries.  I didn't go to McDonalds and instead picked a place that I thought would have better meat quality (sadly not the grass-fed variety but better than McD's high fructose corn syrup/antibiotic/hormone-laden burger).  As I stood in line I felt really guilty.  Are people checking out my belly and judging me for getting something that wasn't so healthy?  I almost felt the need to justify my lunch with the healthy stuff I ate for breakfast, the vegetables, fruit, and healthy grains that I am constantly eating, etc.  I fear that my fear of someone saying something is only going to get worse as the pregnancy continues.

2. I have a completely irrational fear that a crazy person, for no logical reason, is going to punch my belly and then run away. Instead of worrying of something more logical like getting hit by a car (a much more likely occurrence), I am worried about this. I am weird.

3. I also feel a bit more exposed and vulnerable with a pregnant belly. Generally, I am in and out of the city within daylight hours with tons of people around me at all times. So, you know, I should be completely safe.  Since moving back to the Chicago area, I have never felt uncomfortable or nervous or scared while in the city. But realizing that I do have this belly and that people probably see me as more vulnerable is unnerving. Based on the couple times I have had to run for the train lately if someone was chasing me I wouldn't be moving very fast and I wouldn't make it very far!  I've always liked being tall (5'9") and didn't have a problem with my strong muscles. So feeling vulnerable is new for me.  It's like the belly is a target for people to be nice to me OR a target for attackers/robbers/etc.  

I KNOW that these last two are illogical.  I KNOW these make me sound crazy.  Perhaps this is why I only share these thoughts on my blog instead of sharing them with CP.  I mean, I do want to stay married.  :-)

Do you have any crazy thoughts or worries about your body?

20 week checkup

Yesterday I had my 20 week check-up with my doctor.  I should have, but didn't realize, that this appointment would have been more beneficial AFTER my 20 week ultrasound.  Oh well.  Now I know.

• We discussed the swelling incident because it happened again on Wednesday night!  I didn't eat anything particularly salty, but there it was, a ridiculously swollen ankle/leg at only 20 weeks.  I could even leave indents in my skin from just pressing on the area. My doctor was also able to leave indents on both legs during my appointment, despite the fact that I slept with my foot up most of the night (which made the swelling subside) and I had only been up for 1.5 hours.  She suggested lots of water, lots of watermelon and asparagus (natural diuretics), and that walking would help.  

Scary swollen foot and leg!!!  Check out the indents!

• I asked about a weird ridge I feel sometimes running down the top of my belly.  It is my ab muscles pulling apart, which is normal.  Nothing I can do about it, and no more ab exercises for me (I wasn't doing them anyway).
• So far I have gained 10 pounds which was quite a shock to suddenly jump up that much.  The doctor said some of the weight was probably the swelling in my legs and that my weight gain is totally normal.  I may continue putting on weight at a faster pace in the second trimester, but it will slow down in the third trimester.
• Baby's heartbeat sounded normal and strong on the doppler- I can't wait to actually see the baby on Monday though (also worried about that appointment but that's another story).
• I told the doctor that I thought I was feeling movement in the past week or so.  Generally about 20 minutes after I eat something (especially when I eat fruit), I start to feel weird sensations in my uterus.  People usually say that they feel like gas bubbles, but I guess fluttering is what it feels like to me.  It certainly is unlike anything that I have felt before and I can't wait to feel real kicks!!
• For my crazy question of the appointment (there is always one!), I asked if there was any way for a doctor to know that you have an incompetent cervix.  I'm sure most regular pregnant women out there have no idea what IC is, but I have read enough infertility blogs that I am seriously scared of having it.  According to my doctor, that is one thing that they are going to check out on my 20 week ultrasound on Monday.  If I had ever had surgery on my cervix, an abnormal pap smear, or if I was experiencing lots of discharge then those would be two warning signs.  None of those apply to me so I am most likely fine and we will find out more on Monday.

For those of you that made it through this post on a Friday, here are two cute pictures of the dogs from last night.  :-)  Have a great weekend!

Buster thinks this heat is for the birds

Koda snuggling with her favorite toy

Thoughts on my baby belly

I wrote the post below on Friday while taking a break from work and went to post it Monday morning.  However, while CP and I were at Whole Foods on Sunday, the guy handing out wine samples offered me some and even when I said cheerfully "not until at least December!" he didn't get that I was pregnant.  So then I just felt really fat and sad the rest of the day.  And then I couldn't post this because the first sentence was clearly not true and people just thought that I looked like a big tub of lard.

Thankfully a coworker made my day yesterday.  She is not someone in my division, but someone that I see occasionally in the hall or bathroom and have talked to her before.  We happened to be in the bathroom and she said, "Can I ask you something personal?"  I said yes.  "Even if it might offend you?"  I said yes because at this point I knew she was going to ask if I was pregnant.  "Are you pregnant?"  I shot up my arms in the air like I won the lottery and got really excited that someone actually NOTICED.  Then when she found out that I was basically 5 months pregnant she said that I looked small.  I almost laughed when she said that because I don't think that I have ever been called small, but okay.  I'll take it.

Then today I was talking to a manager in another division who wants me to speak at an upcoming conference they are putting on in the fall.  He gave me the dates and said, "are you going to be okay at that point?  Are you still going to be around?"  HA HA HA.  It was such an awkward way of putting it, but I was happy because he NOTICED that I was pregnant.  

So now I feel like I can actually post this.  Even though I don't get recognized as a pregnant lady by strangers, at least people that I work with and haven't told about my pregnancy are recognizing that I am not fat.  Phew.

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I think that I finally, finally getting to the stage where I don't look fat, but I look pregnant.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I am wearing more maternity clothing, but I'll take it.

But I'm having conflicting thoughts about my baby belly.  On one hand, I am excited that I finally have a real baby belly instead of just looking fat.  Instead of a stranger on the street thinking "is she or isn't she?" they are hopefully easily seeing that I am pregnant.  Maybe not though because as of right now, I feel like people are just staring at my belly still.  No stranger has asked me about my pregnancy or has tried to touch my belly (thank goodness).  I think both of those things will be a bit awkward when/if they do happen.

However, with my expanding belly, I worry that as I walk down the street I may be making some people sad or jealous.  I had those same thoughts before my IVF cycle worked about pregnant women on the street, so it's safe to assume that there are others out there in Chicago.  There is not much I can do about this though- it's hard to hide a growing belly, especially in the summertime.

In terms of coworkers, I find myself shy to talk about the pregnancy.  A never-married and childless coworker (in her 50s) in my division was asking how I was feeling and commented that my bump was bigger this week.  I quickly changed the subject because I didn't want her to think that she has to mention my pregnancy if she doesn't want to talk about it. She may be fine with never having a child, but she may also still be sad about it- who knows?  Other coworkers have definitely checked out my growing belly, but have yet to say anything.

On one hand, I'm not a fan of people staring at the baby belly, whether they are strangers, coworkers, or others.  Maybe it is my insecurities about my pre-pregnancy body?  If people had checked out my belly this much just a few months ago I would have been even more insecure about my body than I already was!

But on the other hand, I WANT people to check out my belly and know that I am pregnant.  It may sound silly almost 20 weeks into this pregnancy, but I am still having a hard time believing that I am pregnant.  Sure I can blame my hands swelling in the heat on pregnancy, but the fact that there is actually something living in my belly?  I'm still not sure about that. Maybe it's because I hit 20 weeks tomorrow and I still haven't felt any movement.  I know that I could and should take longer because the placenta is in the front and is acting as a "buffer" for any kicks, but this all doesn't seem real.  The fact that viability is only a month away and I haven't even started looking at baby things or bought anything for the baby is kind of scary.

 Maybe one of these days I will own my belly and realize that I am actually pregnant, but it is not today.

"Resolved" RESOLVE meeting

Tonight I have my second "resolved" RESOLVE meeting.  I am lucky enough in my town to have two different RESOLVE groups.  One is for people in the process of going through treatment and I went to that one through the March meeting.  The second group is for those that are currently pregnant and/or have had a kid after infertility.

At the March Group #1 meeting, another woman and I seemed to be on the exact same cycle.  I'm pretty sure our retrievals and our transfers were the same days!  It was the first IVF for both of us and amazingly it worked for both of us.  Crazy!  Of course I was (and still am) jealous when I heard that she retrieved 26 eggs and has something like 14 frozen right now, but I keep telling myself that my hormones are simply not going to allow for those kind of numbers.

May was the first Group #2 meeting that I could make, so I showed up, barely 12 weeks pregnant, not knowing what to expect.  Unfortunately the woman that was in Group #1 with me was not able to make it, so here I was, surrounded by women with kids (not with them of course).  I was the only pregnant person there.  Even though I was the only one without a kid, I was still nervous that I would be judged based on the fact that it only took one IVF try to get pregnant.  Turns out the woman next to me also only took one try which made me feel better.

Everyone was really nice and supportive of my pregnancy, even the woman that recently had a failed frozen transfer to try to have a second child.  I heard CRAZY follicle counts from two different women due to the IVF drugs.  One woman had 40 FOLLICLES; another woman had 90.  90!  Of course their cycles were cancelled but holy crap!  I can only imagine how uncomfortable she was even early on in the cycle.

Unfortunately the woman that cycled with me won't be able to make it tonight, but the woman that ran Group #1 (who has a child) will be there tonight and I'm looking forward to seeing her.  Of course, I do know that she is hoping to have a second child, so hopefully my pregnant presence doesn't upset her.....

Boy or girl?

To continue my post from Tuesday....but first two responses to two comments (I don't have your email addresses!):

Rain before Rainbow- YES!  I am not a girly-girly in any way, shape or form.  Nor do I like pink or lots of frilly things.  So hopefully not finding out the sex keeps people from buying that stuff for the baby.  :-)

Cristy- My decision has certainly been helped by two bloggers recently finding out that the sex that the doctor told them through blood tests or ultrasounds has suddenly changed!  Suddenly that almost certainty that one had once they found out the sex is not so almost certain anymore....

On to the post for the day....

While I was spending time with friends in DC two weeks ago, the friends asked whether we cared about the sex of the baby....as in, do we have a preference.  CP and I hadn't talked about this yet, so I thought about it and decided that I am scared sh*tless of either sex.  Seriously.

I didn't grow up with a brother, but I know that in general, boys are more physical as little kids.   As boys grow up they tend to do more dangerous and thrill-seeking activities.  I mean, how many times do you watch Tosh.O and see a girl trying to skateboard off a roof?  Most of those videos are of boys doing stupid things- especially when they are teenagers.

As a mother I am going to be totally freaked out about any dangerous activities a boy will want to do, because I obviously want to keep them safe from broken bones and big scars.  (Without being a helicopter parent.)  I used to think that I would want any son that I had to play football, but after playing it myself after college (I really must tell you guys about my women's professional football experience) and hearing so much about the brain injuries these days in the NFL, I will likely be steering him towards another sport (if he is athletic).

Puberty is a mess with both sexes, but I sure as hell hope that CP is willing to help out a potential son navigate what happens when they get a boner in class because I would have no idea what to say!  Then with boys you have to worry about making sure that they treat women well.  That they aren't getting girls pregnant or assaulting them.  That they aren't bullying other kids in school, etc.

In terms of girls, I am not a frilly, heavy makeup wearing, fashionista so I have no idea how I would handle a daughter that is a girly-girl.  Growing up I was a huge tomboy so if a daughter doesn't turn out to be athletic like me, I might have some difficulty.  Little girls may be a bit easier to deal with for the first few years, but man, being a girl in middle school/junior high sucked.  Despite being the youngest in my class, I was one of the first girls to grow boobs in my grade which I hid as much as possible with sweatshirts.  Any daughter of mine will surely have big boobs and get their period early.  

Like a lot of women, I don't have the best body image.  I know that I have a strong body and I love that I am tall, but the weight issue is another thing.  I played so many sports when I was young that I never had an issue with my weight and my mom was very good about feeding us healthy stuff and not giving us weird body complexes.  My mom is also in great shape- even at her ripe old age of 62.  (Seriously, I would kill for her arms.)  I worry about passing on weird eating habits and complexes to a daughter.

And then the teenage years. How do you keep your young daughter from being sexualized too early (especially with what kids are wearing these days!)?  Girls are a struggle because you have to make sure they aren't sleeping around, that they don't get pregnant too early, etc.

I KNOW that a lot of this will be decided on how CP and I are as parents.  So maybe it is just my fears on whether I will be a good parent or not coming out.  If my terror of both sexes continues, at least I won't be disappointed with whatever comes out later this year!

What do you think- does one sex scare you more?  

Random events

*As a large breasted woman, I was hoping that the pregnancy boobs would skip me by.  I mean, I was already starting at a 36DDD.  Well, I waited until the very end of the first trimester to finally go shopping for new bras- I definitely should have gone earlier because the older woman helping me was aghast when she saw the red marks on my shoulders and rib cage.  Whoops!  But who was I to tell her that I wanted to make sure that this baby was sticking around before buying a new bra?

Needless to say, I now have porn tits (as Esperanza likes to call them) because they are a way too big size G.  Yes, G.  I fear that once my milk comes in I will be visiting a specialty nursing bra store as I might need a fitted sheet to rein these puppies in.  Hold me.

*A few weeks ago I was visiting with our next door neighbor and she began to tell me about a dream she had, but then stopped and told me that she would have to tell the rest of it to me later.  It was quite odd.  We kept talking and after a round-about discussion, she finally confessed that in the dream I was pregnant.  She has had this dream three other times previously and every other time the person was pregnant.  She even wrote the dream down in a journal so she could point to it if she was right.  Well, I didn't keep her guessing for long and spilled the beans.  She obviously doesn't know how long it took us to get to this point, but she is excited for us and will be giving us baby stuff.  :-)

*While I was in DC last week I saw pregnant bellies EVERYWHERE.  I'm sure some of the bellies I may not have noticed a few months ago because a jacket could hide the belly, but there they were.  And there I was, jealous of their bellies.  I know, it doesn't make much sense does it?  I'll have a belly soon enough.  I can't explain it...but I was still jealous.

*The first night in DC I spent with my best friend, a good friend from college and his pregnant fiance.  The pregnant fiance assumed that I was fertile as well and made some weird remarks about IVF only being for people that want to find out the sex of their baby.....clearly I didn't tell her how we conceived.  Ugh.

*The third night in DC I met up with law school friends.  The wife, A, knew about the IVF cycle, but when I saw her husband in Chicago for one night about a month ago, I decided not to say anything about the pregnancy because of the SCH.  Well A has been trying to get the goods on me for a while, including asking our mutual friend how I'm doing.  The mutual friend has been good and kept her mouth shut, but when A and I were making plans, she asked whether I had any dietary restrictions if she decided to cook.  Although I do have dietary restrictions, I really wanted to tell her about the pregnancy in person so I said that I didn't have any.  :-)  Waiting was totally worth it- they are super excited that we are pregnant.  

*CP has been trying to tell his sister about the pregnancy for a few weeks.  He would email her to see what was going on with her and her family and she would spend the entire email talking about herself and the trips that she has taken, etc. (she is living in Belgium for 3 years).  She didn't once ask him how we were doing, so he never offered up the information.  It almost became a game.  (And I thought my sister was self-absorbed!) Finally he devised a plan where he would tell his niece and nephew and then tell them not to tell his sister/their mom (knowing that they would).  Last weekend he called them up to carry out his plan and what do you know, his sister asks what is up with us.  Plan ruined, but his sister and the kids are super excited about the pregnancy as well.

I promise a pregnancy-free post tomorrow!

Feelings

Lately I have been having a lot of thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy.

Not belonging: I felt out of place and had a weird feeling when I went to see the OB last week.  Despite having my records from my RE faxed over that clearly stated that I was pregnant, I felt like I didn't belong. Later when I got my ultrasound done, my OB came in to check on how things were going. I know she wanted to see how the SCH was doing and I really appreciate that she is going to be more involved than my RE, but a thought passed through my mind that she came in because she didn't really believe that I was pregnant and had to see for herself.  Maybe I will soon start to believe that I am actually pregnant?  Maybe it  is because I don't have morning sickness that I go about my day thinking that everything is normal and that I am not pregnant?  Other than my bigger boobs and my constant need to pee, I really feel very normal.  Maybe the realization that I am pregnant won't hit me until I have a baby belly?  Until then I guess I am going to feel like a fake.

Guilt: When I would come back from RESOLVE meetings I would sometimes tell CP about some of the other women/couples. My theory was that I knew how we might have a potentially long and tough road ahead with IVF from reading blogger stories and from hearing stories of women in the RESOLVE group. I was trying to prepare him for the possibility that things wouldn't go well. Well, what do you know- I get pregnant on the first IVF try. I know that I am incredibly lucky and I obviously wouldn't want it any other way, but I also feel like CP doesn't get how hard this process is for some couples. Sure we didn't have a positive pregnancy test for almost three years....but I still feel as if we got off easy (forgetting the major surgery I had to have of course).  I didn't get completely hormonal from the IVF drugs, I didn't get OHSS, I wasn't in a lot of pain after the retrieval, and we had no problems with the transfer.  Of course I am happy about all of those things, but maybe I'm feeling a little guilty because so far the IVF process has been drama-free.  Other than the SCH, I'm not sure this could have gone any better?  And I still feel guilty about all of you that have been trying so hard- why was I lucky on my first shot?

Protective: As we inch closer and closer to the end of the first trimester, I get more and more protective of the pregnancy (despite still not believing that there is in fact a baby in me). My worry that the pregnancy will be snatched away at the last minute also increases. There is nothing I can do about it and I really try to stay positive, but there is still a chance of miscarrying from a chromosomal abnormality.  Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks and I'm just really worried that we will come so close to then be crushed at the last second.  I could see this being a theme throughout the pregnancy if it continues....getting more and more nervous as I get closer to milestones such as big ultrasounds, viability, and of course delivery.

Are any of these normal feelings?