Thoughts on my baby belly

I wrote the post below on Friday while taking a break from work and went to post it Monday morning.  However, while CP and I were at Whole Foods on Sunday, the guy handing out wine samples offered me some and even when I said cheerfully "not until at least December!" he didn't get that I was pregnant.  So then I just felt really fat and sad the rest of the day.  And then I couldn't post this because the first sentence was clearly not true and people just thought that I looked like a big tub of lard.

Thankfully a coworker made my day yesterday.  She is not someone in my division, but someone that I see occasionally in the hall or bathroom and have talked to her before.  We happened to be in the bathroom and she said, "Can I ask you something personal?"  I said yes.  "Even if it might offend you?"  I said yes because at this point I knew she was going to ask if I was pregnant.  "Are you pregnant?"  I shot up my arms in the air like I won the lottery and got really excited that someone actually NOTICED.  Then when she found out that I was basically 5 months pregnant she said that I looked small.  I almost laughed when she said that because I don't think that I have ever been called small, but okay.  I'll take it.

Then today I was talking to a manager in another division who wants me to speak at an upcoming conference they are putting on in the fall.  He gave me the dates and said, "are you going to be okay at that point?  Are you still going to be around?"  HA HA HA.  It was such an awkward way of putting it, but I was happy because he NOTICED that I was pregnant.  

So now I feel like I can actually post this.  Even though I don't get recognized as a pregnant lady by strangers, at least people that I work with and haven't told about my pregnancy are recognizing that I am not fat.  Phew.

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I think that I finally, finally getting to the stage where I don't look fat, but I look pregnant.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I am wearing more maternity clothing, but I'll take it.

But I'm having conflicting thoughts about my baby belly.  On one hand, I am excited that I finally have a real baby belly instead of just looking fat.  Instead of a stranger on the street thinking "is she or isn't she?" they are hopefully easily seeing that I am pregnant.  Maybe not though because as of right now, I feel like people are just staring at my belly still.  No stranger has asked me about my pregnancy or has tried to touch my belly (thank goodness).  I think both of those things will be a bit awkward when/if they do happen.

However, with my expanding belly, I worry that as I walk down the street I may be making some people sad or jealous.  I had those same thoughts before my IVF cycle worked about pregnant women on the street, so it's safe to assume that there are others out there in Chicago.  There is not much I can do about this though- it's hard to hide a growing belly, especially in the summertime.

In terms of coworkers, I find myself shy to talk about the pregnancy.  A never-married and childless coworker (in her 50s) in my division was asking how I was feeling and commented that my bump was bigger this week.  I quickly changed the subject because I didn't want her to think that she has to mention my pregnancy if she doesn't want to talk about it. She may be fine with never having a child, but she may also still be sad about it- who knows?  Other coworkers have definitely checked out my growing belly, but have yet to say anything.

On one hand, I'm not a fan of people staring at the baby belly, whether they are strangers, coworkers, or others.  Maybe it is my insecurities about my pre-pregnancy body?  If people had checked out my belly this much just a few months ago I would have been even more insecure about my body than I already was!

But on the other hand, I WANT people to check out my belly and know that I am pregnant.  It may sound silly almost 20 weeks into this pregnancy, but I am still having a hard time believing that I am pregnant.  Sure I can blame my hands swelling in the heat on pregnancy, but the fact that there is actually something living in my belly?  I'm still not sure about that. Maybe it's because I hit 20 weeks tomorrow and I still haven't felt any movement.  I know that I could and should take longer because the placenta is in the front and is acting as a "buffer" for any kicks, but this all doesn't seem real.  The fact that viability is only a month away and I haven't even started looking at baby things or bought anything for the baby is kind of scary.

 Maybe one of these days I will own my belly and realize that I am actually pregnant, but it is not today.