Crazy hormones

As expected by my bloodwork and ultrasound last week, my period came this week.  I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound on Weds and everything looks good and calm hormone-wise. My doctor wants to make sure that my lining isn't too thick before we start the meds so I had another appointment this morning. Hopefully it looks good and this afternoon I get my revised schedule. Hopefully I will start meds this weekend with a possible transfer date of Feb 10th.

To be honest, I was flying high earlier this month, completely convinced that nothing was going to go wrong and that the frozen transfer would work. I had a relatively easy time with my last transfer and pregnancy so my body is fixed, right? (Fixed in the sense that medical intervention is still necessary, but it would always work.) When my body didn't follow the plan, I started to doubt the success of the transfer. I now vacillate between thinking "Of course it is going to work! Your fresh cycle worked on the first try- why wouldn't this one?" And thinking "Why am I being so naive? I know that there are so many variables to getting and staying pregnant. Why do you think you are going to go 2 for 2?" So that's my fun mental state. 

In other news, I'm not handling CP's 3 week trip to Thailand very well with all of the Lupron and PMS hormones racing through my body. Last Saturday I went to the baby shower and there, one of CP's coworkers mentioned that CP had volunteered to take on a lot of the work on this Thailand trip which is why he has been gone so much.* So with that in my head, yesterday I was convinced that he is taking all of these business trips to get away from me and our marriage and that I should ask him if he is happy in our marriage before we have a second child. Yes, a totally insane thought that I have so far kept to myself. 

And then of course there is the ever-present thought that he has no idea how difficult it is when he is gone and that he doesn't appreciate all that I do. With the 13 hour time difference we basically get to talk for 10 minutes a day (some days not at all) and then I don't hear from him the rest of the day. Last night I told him that not hearing from him, even if it's just a check in email or to tell me a funny story about something that happened to him during the day, made me sad. That didn't go over too well even though I acknowledged that some of my sadness was likely due to hormones. 

Being lonely and sad, with a bunch of hormones coursing through your veins, lack of emotional support from your husband, and tons of stress from work is not a recipe for a happy NSC.

*I won't bore you with other details but in the end, I don't think that CP volunteered to travel this much.

Lazy TWW

My lazy two week wait is still going strong.  CP and I had one day to make a baby this month because of his travel schedule- I’m fairly certain we timed it right, although I can’t be sure that I even ovulated because I gave up taking my temperature a while ago.  I guess that I could have used OPK sticks, but didn’t really remember in time.  Lazy, yes?  So, I’m not 100% positive that I ovulated, but the signs that I was getting close to ovulating were there.  Tuesday I had some cramping and so I fully expected to see my period yesterday or this morning, but so far, nothing.  I did end up taking a pregnancy test yesterday morning (negative of course)- I’m probably 11dpo or 12dpo?  I guess I will continue taking the progesterone which at this point is just delaying my period and test again in a few days.  But how long should I take the medicine?  And when should I decide to give up this month?  The progesterone could stave off my period for maybe as long as I keep taking it- so when should I call it in for this month?  16dpo if I am still getting negative pregnancy tests?  Tell me how long you would continue taking progesterone.

CP gets back from Europe on Saturday afternoon.  I found out yesterday that he is in town until Tuesday morning then has to fly to New Orleans for all of next week.  *sigh*  I miss my husband and know that he is probably going to cranky/tired/jet lagged when he gets back.  At least in NO I will get to talk to him on a nightly basis instead of the every two or three days while he is in Europe (it’s hard to get our schedules to match up with the 7 hour time difference).  I have no idea what we are going to do when he has to travel to Asia, but hopefully by then he will have his company phone instead of having to borrow a coworkers to call me.

While he is in New Orleans we will celebrate our 3^rd anniversary (boooo for him being gone on October 3^rd).  I can’t complain about it to him because there is nothing that he can do about it and I don't want to seem like the nagging wife.  Hopefully he is around for most of October though….  His company did say that his job would be 25% travel, but almost three weeks in a row is ridiculous.  I definitely worry about when we start IVF- is he even going to be in the country when I need him???

The only bright spot about CP not being here is that with him gone, I can attend my first RESOLVE meeting.  I finally decided that I would try to go to one of the support meetings to check it out.  While I do have two friends that are dealing with infertility right now, they are not in the same state.  It would be nice to meet some people face-to-face that are sharing some of the same feelings as I am.  I can’t imagine CP actually coming to a meeting with me, so I will check it out to see if I find the meeting helpful.

I made it!

I’ll try to make this quick….

Last week the moving process went fairly well.  CP and I had some fights because he didn’t understand why I had to run around town doing errands and packing up stuff in advance, things that were stressing me out.  Ummm hello who wants some random guy packing up your underwear, toiletries (especially the ones that scream I’M INFERTILE), and other potentially embarrassing items?  Not to mention we were told we could save money if we packed some things in advance.  CP thought that I was making things harder on myself, but I saved us some money by returning boxes to U-Haul, by selling a few items on Craigslist, and donating items to the Salvation Army.  Right now, we need to save money so to me it was worth it.  But yeah, I was a bit on edge last week.

I have to say that I am most likely moving-spoiled now.  Having other people pack up our house and then move everything into a truck that they drive across the country for us?  LOVED IT.  Especially because the day that they packed up the truck it was 90 degrees out.  It was a little boring watching other people do the work (it made me want to jump in and help), but instead I sat in the AC and that wasn’t half bad.

After the walkthrough on Thursday night, I finished cleaning the house and set out for central PA with the dogs.  The dogs had been in doggie daycare all day and were thankfully exhausted.  We got into our hotel around 1:30am (I unfortunately got a later start than I wanted to), I threw on a Sleep Machine App so that Buster wouldn’t hear people in other rooms and bark, and slept for about 3.5 hours….until the person above me woke up and started stomping around at 5:30am.  Sigh.  That woke up Buster who didn’t bark, but did start to pace around the room.  I threw on the Sleep Machine App again and fitfully slept for another hour before deciding that it was time to wake up and get on the road.

Friday was spent driving in the car.  It took me about 10 hours, but that was probably because I stopped a bit too often.  Starbucks Refereshers and various NPR’s Freakonomics Podcasts kept me awake and entertained throughout the drive.  It was scalding hot every time I stopped so I would take the dogs for short walks at the rest stops but nothing too long because there wasn’t much shade to speak of.  The closing on our CT house went well that afternoon and CP and I were officially homeless.

The rest of the weekend was spent at my parent’s second home in Southwestern MI.  Buster got to meet my Dad for the first time (and bark at him as he likes to do to strangers, but then later snuggle) and the dogs got to run around the large yard.  They will be heading back there this weekend with my parents so that they are not in the movers' way when they drop off the furniture.

Monday morning CP and I dropped the dogs off at a nearby boarding facility (where they so far seem to be okay despite it being a new place for them) and headed to our closing for our new house.  The seller is still crazy, but everything worked out and we now are IL homeowners (pictures coming soon)! 

Yesterday CP left for a work trip and I had my first day of work at my new office.  Everyone here seems really nice and happy that I transferred to the office.  It’s nice to work in a big city again!  This week I’m staying with my parents in the city while the hardwood floors in our new house get refinished and stained a different color before our furniture arrives.  Saturday our new appliances and all of our furniture get delivered.  Then next week the electrician and the HVAC guy will be working in the house.  It’s getting hard to juggle everything!!

What has been going on with you guys?  I have been trying to keep up with my Google Reader, but I’m still a bit behind.

Cranky

I love CP very much. However, this summer has been tough.

For the past couple of months CP has had a daily three hour commute (1.5 hours each way) to a project in MA. I used to hate my daily two hour commute myself…I can’t imagine having to add another hour on it.

It’s not just the commute though. CP works for a small company and although he told his boss that he needed help months ago, his boss has refused to send anyone to MA to help him with the project saying that he can’t spare anyone. Meanwhile, CP has been working crazy hours and trying to catch up on paperwork on the weekends. CP’s client even called CP’s boss to tell him that CP needed help. A month too late, CP’s boss finally sent someone….but only for two weeks.

CP is tired. CP is stressed. CP is cranky. CP doesn’t have time to work out (which would help his mood).

Unfortunately he comes home and isn’t much fun to be with because he is worried about work, worried about the next day and everything that he needs to do. (Needless to say, all of this stress can’t be helping his sperm.)

Recently CP has started staying over in MA one night a week and frankly, I welcome the night off from his crankiness. He is much more relaxed and fun on the weekends.

I hate that I can’t do anything to help his mood. My job is not stressful so I have time to make doctor/vet appointments, pay the bills, walk the dogs, train Buster and generally keep the house together. But there are some things that I can’t do because I am not authorized to do them (i.e. call his credit card company to get the “pay by” date changed) and then I have to remind him to do it. That shouldn’t be my job since I am not his mother, but his brain is focused on work and not much else right now.

I REALLY can’t wait for this project to be over in a few months. I want my husband back.

Quit

So while my one coworker K is having problems with her (now-ex) fiancé, my other coworker D is having problems with her new husband.

D and her husband have been having some money troubles. He got laid off and was out of work for a while which didn’t help their situation. He finally found something about a year ago. He had training for a while and had to travel around the state more than D would have liked, but at least he had a job.

D’s husband hinted about quitting his job, but up and did just that about a week ago without fully discussing it with his wife. They have three kids- one about to head off to college. Bills to pay. She hates her boss too but doesn’t get to quit.

She is FURIOUS- and rightly so. When you are in a crappy financial situation even if you hate your job with all of your heart, you FIND ANOTHER JOB prior to leaving that company. I hate my job but I refuse to leave here before I have another job. You have to be smart- especially with the economy the way it is right now.

D is extremely frustrated at him. The added stress of being the sole breadwinner is not helping their marriage. I felt awful for her- and am shocked that he would think that this is okay. A marriage is a partnership. You make decisions together on things that would affect the family.

If CP ever thought of doing this (thankfully he likes his job)…I would kill him. Especially when you have kids it can’t be all about you and your unhappiness. It’s just so selfish.

What would you do if your spouse quit their job without talking to you first?

Confession

I am a very curious person. I’ll admit that I do like to “stalk” people on Facebook. It’s always interesting to see what people are up to these days if you haven’t seen them in a long time. Being bored at work yesterday I went looking for my ex boyfriend. I was curious if he ever finished grad school and where he was working. We are not Facebook friends anymore because at some point he couldn’t handle seeing CP in my pictures, hearing that I was happy with someone else, etc.

Not able to find him on Facebook, I googled his name and finally found him on LinkedIn. Most of his profile was private so I had to “friend” him to see what he was up to. He accepted and then sent a short email saying that he hoped that I was doing well. I ended up emailing him back and asking how he was doing, where he was working, etc. I received a LONG email about the past couple of years, his unhappiness over choices he has made, student loan debt and how he is currently trying to finish his thesis/couch surfing while job hunting.

I replied with some suggestions as he is looking for work in an industry similar to mine and told him about buying a house in CT, getting a puppy, hating my job, etc. He responded with part of the email bashing homeownership and dogs. That’s fine if it is not your cup of tea, but no reason to bash my choices in life. His response basically snapped me back into reality. Why did I contact him anyway? It’s been YEARS since I have talked to him or even thought about him. My original email was innocent in nature- bored at work and curious as to how life is turning out for him.

But if CP found out that I contacted him, that might not go over so well (CP is not controlling- this is just the ex that was trying to get me back after I started dating CP). If he is going to be all depressed over the way his life turned out and bash my life, then why do I need to talk to him anyways? So I deleted the email and won’t respond. But I feel guilty for contacting him in the first place.

Chalk it up to a life lesson that I should have learned years ago…..

Anyone else do something stupid like this with an ex?

What to do?

Thanks for all of your supportive comments yesterday. And life continues…

This morning I received an email from someone I have talked about before. A formerly very good friend that, well, I just don’t know where we stand right now. We still have many mutual friends, she came to my wedding, but I think that she is harboring ill feelings towards me because I am blunt with her. For the most part, that is just my personality. If I think that you are living in a dream world, I point it out. I like to think that although the person doesn’t want to hear it at the time, that they will appreciate it at some point.

So my problem is this. I, along with seven other people in the email chain, get an email this morning that reads the following:

The short is that I've been carrying on with this one guy. We had a long talk about our feelings towards each other last week. I spend nearly every moment with the guy- gym before work, drinks on the weekend, constant emails, etc. He's smart, funny, hot, and sweet. Ok, so what's the problem? We're coworkers...and he's married... I know, I know. I'm telling this to a bunch of married people. Trust me, I almost didn't for that reason. It's bad and it's wrong, and I keep telling him that we can't carry on. Only, we can't seem to keep away from each other. I'm so conflicted. His marriage isn't the best, but I don't want to be "that girl". I'm so conflicted. I know he's crazy about me, but he's also not available. FML. HOW do I always find myself in these situations?!?!?! We've had an ongoing flirtation for a year, but we broke not too long ago after we worked out together and then had drinks. Oh ladies. As if my life isn't complicated enough. No judgment please!

She is writing this to seven women that are married, four of the seven have kids (one is pregnant with her third kid). AND one of the seven had her husband cheat on her about a year ago.

Ummm how can I not judge? CP suggested telling her to see a therapist because she obviously needs help, but I can’t be that blunt. I want to point out that she ONLY goes for guys that are unavailable. I pointed it out with her last “boyfriend” and it didn’t go over too well.

I don’t want to condone this behavior at all. I want to tell her that she needs to figure out why she goes for unavailable men. That this guy probably wouldn’t be interested if he wasn’t married (then there is no sneaking around). That even if he left his wife for her, why would she want him? Wouldn’t she be worried that if he got bored with their relationship that he would start cheating on her too? That she should break it off with him and pull away. If he is still interested, then have him get separated/divorced from his wife and then starting dating him.

But at this point is it even worth it to say something?

TGIF

Sorry for the depressing post on Wednesday…I just don’t understand why people feel the need to get sick during the holidays. You know, because they clearly have control over it…. It’s supposed to be a happy time! Luckily for my friend’s father, although he took a while to react to the medicine, he has been released from the hospital and they think that he will make a full recovery. Yay!

We will be away for most of the weekend visiting groomsmen and CP’s family. I look forward to seeing them AND to sleeping in tomorrow morning! CP is now working from home and feels the need to stay up until 11-11:30 every night. Although I am walking up a little later these days (6:15), I can’t continue going to bed that late. Being a light sleeper doesn’t help… even if I head to bed before him (as I did last night), it takes me a while to fall asleep and he wakes me up when he gets into bed anyway. Ahhh the complexities of married life! ;-)

Marriage shockers

Right before CP and I left for our honeymoon, we spent a quick weekend in NYC with friends. Our flight left from JFK Sunday morning anyway and we had a free hotel room for two nights, so why not get out of MA and start the honeymoon early?

After dinner on Saturday night, my friend CS met up with us at a bar that looks up at the Empire State Building.*

Anyway, we started drinking a bunch of wine and randomly, CS came out with two sad pieces of news about two of our friends.

The first? Our college friend, married two months after graduation to a guy that she dated throughout school, who became pregnant six months later. She and her husband have been together for 9 years and have three sons together. For me, they have been the "gold standard" for a marriage. Unfortunately, the news was that the husband cheated on my friend WITH A HOOKER. Not with a random woman at a bar, but a HOOKER. I can't decide which is worse. He could have developed feelings for the random woman, but the whole act of PAYING someone to have sex with them makes me feel ill too.

My friend is obviously devastated, but has decided to try to forgive her husband. I am not privy to her thoughts because this came out during my weekend wedding and we haven't had a chance to talk about it (I'm going to wait until she says something to me), but I can see why she is staying with him. They have three kids. She hasn't worked since taking maternity leave in 2001. She has become accustomed to the "lifestyle" that she leads as he has a good job. And according to CS, she still loves him.

I'm not sure that it would be my choice, but I also don't have kids with CP and I am in a different situation. However, how can you fully trust someone after that?

The other shocking news? Our other mutual friend's husband is gay. HUH???? According to CS, our friend knew about it BEFORE they got married. I'm not sure whether she thought that she could change him or what, but they have been married for probably 5 or 6 years now. They no longer have sex, but I guess that he does go outside their marriage at times. WHAT?!?

This news makes me sad as I don't understand why my friend would want to put herself in that position. She loves him dearly and I understand that....but then why not be best friends? Marriage is hard enough.....why add to the difficulty? Is she no longer interested in having kids?

Hearing these two pieces of news a week after my own marriage and as I was about to embark on my honeymoon was shocking. I had just been thinking about how lucky I was to not have any friends divorce when there is such a high divorce rate in this country. I still am trying to wrap my head around it.....


*By the way, if you live in New York City and haven't been to the La Quinta Inn rooftop bar (17 West 32nd Street)? It's got a great view and the drinks are cheap!

Crazy town, population 1

Wow. Yesterday I downward-spiraled into Crazy town, population 1. At times I thought that I was going to throw up, at times I had to seriously resist the urge to cry, and had yet another headache. Irrational thoughts swirled through my head all day. I barely got any work done.

After being talked off the ledge by three girl friends and you guys, I’m MUCH better today. Thank you for all of your kind comments. I spoke to CP about all of my irrational thoughts last night. Because they were irrational thoughts, it was hard to actually explain what was going on in my mind!! I even told him that I knew that they were irrational thoughts, that I didn’t know where they were coming from, and that I have no idea how to get rid of them. One of my friends suggested wine (which we all know makes everything better!) so I had two glasses with dinner. Annnd then CP and I ended up retiring to the bedroom early. :-) He said that he loved me a bit less when I was crazy, but loves me more now that I am normal. Ha ha.

J thinks that I had an anxiety attack b/c of my stomach pain, headache, jitters, irrational thoughts, etc. (she gets them sometimes herself). If it’s true it’s juuuuust what I need in the last 5 weeks leading up to the wedding! The only upside? I would lose a bunch of weight b/c not only did I run during lunch, but went home to do No More Trouble Zones and wasn’t hungry all day long. I had too much excess energy and thought that exercise would be a good way to get rid of it. I jokingly said to CP that I would lose a bunch of weight and he said that I would- and that I would also lose a 200 pound fiancé! Jerk. ;-) I think that I will take the fiancé over losing crazy weight.

Anyway, I am weird. I hope that you had a much better day than I did yesterday! :-)

Stupid crazy thoughts

I won't see CP again until Sunday. I got mad at him last night after getting home from the hair dresser. I casually mentioned that this was his bachelor party weekend and she then proceeded to tell me all of the horror stories of her friends.* As I listened to the stories I was totally confident that CP wouldn’t do any of those things. But when I got home to tell him about our conversation and tell him what my hair dresser’s rule is going to be for her soon-to-be-fiance-currently-boyfriend’s bachelor party (which is, don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want have done to me by a stranger)? He didn’t want to talk about it and got mad that I thought we would have to have that conversation. I thought that I was covering the bases JUST IN CASE.

But he is right. We shouldn’t need to have the conversation. I totally trust him, but sometimes I get the crazies. Doesn’t everyone? Especially during that time on the month? I don’t even think that he is going to encounter strippers this weekend. And even if he did, I can’t imagine that any of his friends (including some of his mutual friends) would let anything weird go down. But I still think the crazy thoughts. I think that my hair dresser, while I love her and all, shouldn’t have told me those stories. Placing images in my brain of things that have happened to her friends? Bad idea.

Then later I asked him about talking to him this weekend. He said that he wouldn't be calling at all b/c that is "the point" of a bach party. I mentioned that he has at least two people that have kids, and depending on who else shows up, most of the guys are married. You mean to tell me that not one of the guys is going to call home all weekend???? What a stupid "rule." So I was mad at him last night, still mad at him this morning and will probably be in a bad mood all weekend. And if he feels bad and calls? I'm probably not going to answer b/c I am totally immature. Man I suck.


*Something called Girls Wet or Wet Girls? They do their little "show" and then if anyone is interested, guys can pay $40 to get a blow job. Lovely. Another story? A stripper that grabs a nickel from the groom's mouth with her woo-haa. While that might seem funny, it sounds like a great way to get an STD.

What would you do?

This coming weekend is CP’s bachelor party. The festivities begin by some of the guys going to the Patriots game on Thursday night. From there, the guys will take CP up to a house in Maine that they rented for the weekend. I don’t recognize the name of the town/city so it might be kind of rural? I can’t ask CP where it is as it is all a surprise!

The guys will spend the weekend doing manly stuff….drinking a lot, probably smoking some cigars (ewww), and who knows what other activities they will come up with.

I don’t want to be the nagging, annoying fiancé that calls every day, but it’s an odd day when CP and I don’t at least get to say hi to each other. Do I leave him alone all weekend to be with his boys? Do I just send text messages? Do I wait for him to call me? I know that I will be calling him during my bachelorette party weekend (the following weekend!) so to me it’s not like it is a fiancé-free weekend. It's not like I want to talk for hours on the phone, but just a quick hi, how are things going, maybe ask a wedding-related question, etc.

Thoughts?

Blogging

Thanks for all of the nice comments yesterday. You know when you just have a crappy day and need to vent your crazy feelings? That was me yesterday. I did end up going to the gym and running/ walking for 60 minutes, along with eating healthy things so I felt much better by the end of the day.

I originally wrote this post a couple of days ago, but writing about my feelings yesterday and then having such nice comments makes it so hard to think about not writing anymore. Does CP want to hear about my crazy thoughts? Probably not.

--------------------------------------------

If CP ever found out I wrote a blog, here is how I imagine the conversation will go:

CP: Umm so I found out that you are writing a blog. Why would you want to do that?

NSC: It’s kind of like having a diary, except online. It’s been fun to chronicle planning for our wedding and other life events.

CP: Why not just keep a private diary instead of putting our lives out there on the internet for all to see?

NSC: Well, I am very careful to not give away too much information about our lives. So far I think that I have done a good job of protecting our identities. I tell specific stories, but when identifying information comes into play, I generalize it.

CP: I just don’t understand why you feel the need to do that.

NSC: Well, you know that I have been reading blogs for a while. You have even made fun of me for doing it in the past. Then last summer, when I needed a break from studying for the bar, I started my own. I enjoy it.

CP: grumble, grumble, grumble, etc.


I hope that I never have to have this conversation with CP. I’m not sure what I would do if he found out about the blog. I know that he would be mad. He already thinks that I put too much information on Facebook. (In my defense, I don’t put pictures up of us drunk or other embarrassing photos. I try to I stick to the “grandmother” rule- I would be okay with my grandmother (if either of them were alive of course) checking out my Facebook site.)

I hate keeping something like this from him, but wouldn’t be able to write about our relationship if I knew he was reading. I’m not even sure he WOULD read if he knew about it. All I know is that he would be mad that I was putting stuff about us on the internet for people to read (even if these people are strangers). Would it make it better in his mind if I started to meet other people that blogged? Who knows.

I’m not sure how to reconcile this. I hate him not knowing, but worry that someday he is going to find out and be really pissed. I mean, putting our stories out there does affect him too. I don’t want to stop blogging as I think that it is a good outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Plus, I have an awful memory and now I can go back through my archives to find the stories that I forget! :-) Oh decisions, decisions.

What do you say?

Where do I even start this post? *sigh* I guess I will start with a bit of background.

One of my bridesmaids is a good friend from law school. We didn't always hang out drinking after classes and on the weekends, but relied on each other for advice about our significant others all the time. At age 33, she had never seriously dated someone before and her parents had basically given up on her (which is obviously ridiculous). So when she and her boyfriend (who she met online and started dating a month after CP and I met) got in a fight for the first time, I had to talk her down from the ledge as she thought that they were going to immediately break up.

We worked through her relationship issues and they moved into together. Moving in together then created some more issues, but again, we were able to work through them. They got engaged over Spring Break of our last year in law school. I was ridiculously happy for them.

Since then, they have continued to fight, but I do think that she overreacts at times. However, they both don't know how to fight fair and after a fight, will often not speak to each other for days. Yikes.

Yesterday, she emailed me because instead of having a wedding in front of family, they are going to self-solemnize (basically, have the wedding ceremony just between the two of them) while on vacation next week. After fighting about how to get married, she relented, agreeing to have the ceremony without parents because it would be too awkward with his divorced parents.

Anyway, they finally settled on a vacation spot and planned a time this past weekend to discuss the wedding plans. As of last week, she wasn't sure where they were going to do the ceremony, if they were going to write their own vows or steal some from the internet, if she was going to wear a white dress, etc. I guess the planning did not go so well.

Because the ceremony is just going to be the two of them, she wants it to be special. She doesn't want to haphazardly say something and not have it mean something. And I completely agree with her. A wedding is a one-time affair and if you make a joke out of it, then how seriously are you going to take the marriage? Her fiance on the other hand, would have rather planned out where they were going to go hiking and rafting instead of planning the ceremony.

She is obviously hurt, as I would be too. In the midst of her crying and the two of them shouting, some awful things were said on his part- stuff like marriage doesn't really mean much to him because it doesn't stop people from getting divorced and he is not religious anyway, they have already made a commitment to each other, etc......so he just doesn't think that it is that important. (By the way, if CP ever said these things? DEATH. I don't care if it is in the heat of the moment.) She asked him why he wanted to get married if he meant those things. His answer? "I don't know."

So I am a bit stuck. I do think that they are a good couple, but he can be a stubborn a**. The two of them don't know how to fight fairly which causes a lot of problems. I have suggested couples counseling, but according to her, he won't go. I personally think that it is their best shot at a marriage without constant fighting.

I am doing the best that I can with trying to talk to her, but I think that I have run out of things to say. I'm not sure that he is willing to change, but he is in a RELATIONSHIP which means compromise. She wants to send a vicious email to him, but I told her that will only make things worse. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in their relationship- they are getting married in less than a week. What a nightmare.

*****Update*****

My friend just got an email from her fiancé.

Hey babe,

I’m back in town (I guess he was out of town for work today).

Do you want to go ring shopping with me?*

Can you send me the ceremony/passages/vows ideas you have found?
P


While this does not wash away the things that he said yesterday, at least he is reaching out and seems interested in planning now. They still have A LOT to discuss tonight.

*Another reason she is upset is because he has refused to wear a wedding ring on his finger. He said that he would wear it on a necklace around his neck instead because he isn’t used to wearing rings. Until today, he hadn’t wanted to look for a ring.

Friends!

This weekend CP and I had another productive wedding weekend. We finished up most of the save the dates, so they are FINALLY out the door. Whew. Only a mere three months after we bought them! Ha ha.

We enjoyed registering at Macy’s over Christmas because for every dollar we spent with our Macy’s card, 10% went to a gift card sent to us after the wedding. We aren’t planning on doing any shopping at Macy’s but for every dollar our guests spend on our registry, we get 5% back in a gift card a month after our wedding too. Score!

We were hoping for the same kind of program at Bed, Bath & Beyond but there is no gift card waiting at the end. Nevertheless, we had to register for more gifts because some of my parent’s friends went crazy after the engagement party. CP and I do like the gifts (we DID pick them out), but feel bad because some of the gift givers will not be invited to the wedding so for them to spend a lot of money on us is ridiculous. My parents told everyone invited to the party NOT to get us gifts, but these people insisted anyway. *Sigh*

Last night CP and I helped friends of ours from law school J & C move into their new place. We are shocked that after moving so far away someone actually followed us- and not to Boston! Although their apartment is still an hour away (only 15 minutes away from work), it’s nice to have a friendly face in the area- and I have someone to go to lunch with as the husband will be working three blocks from me!

This couple got married less than three years ago so we can ask them for advice. Not only that, but they used our friend R as their officiant, which is how we got the idea to use him for our wedding. They recently had their first child this past summer (right after I left for NH to study for the bar so I have never met him) and I just found out that the wife is pregnant again! They are not messing around with popping out the babies! Needless to say, we won’t be going out boozing with them too much. :-)

How to forge a deeper relationship

Sorry for the lack of posting on Friday- I kept meaning to do it at work but then I had to finish up a project before I left for the airport. This past weekend CP and I flew out to Chicago for a friend’s wedding. We had a fairly good weekend, but I am still disheartened with the relationship between CP and my parents….

I will admit that my parents are a little hard to get to know. They are both a bit more “formal.” Sure, my dad will tell off-color jokes sometimes, but at 6’4” he is intimidating. And with CP and my dad not having a lot of the same interests, sometimes it makes conversations a bit….well, lacking. My mom and CP can at least talk about cooking, but CP doesn’t have an interest (and neither do I) in architecture like my dad.

My parents, for fear of asking an inappropriate question, simply don’t ask CP a lot about himself or his family. I know that it is not for lack of curiosity, but they feel the need to ask ME the questions instead.

Maybe it is because my sister and I freely talk with my parents about anything and everything. So without talking to CP, my parents already know a lot about him from what I say. Maybe it is that my parents are so used to my sister and I giving them information that they don’t really ask questions anymore. But that is not a good excuse. CP is not as vocal as the members of my family so to get to know him you would think they would ask MORE questions.

I think that what frustrates me the most is that my parents should want to get to know their future son-in-law better. They should ask him questions, even if they are questions which I have given them answers to already. Maybe he has a different answer? It makes me sad that the man that I love and the parents that I love have more of a surface relationship.

Do any of you have problems between your significant other and your parents? I guess “problems” is the wrong word…it is just that the relationship lacks depth. I am tempted to lock the three of them in a room for hours until they start really talking. Since this isn’t the best option, does anyone have any suggestions?

Merging

Last Friday BF and I set up a joint checking account to pay our bills and a joint credit card to use for expenses (i.e. grocery store). We also each got individual checking and savings accounts. This is a pretty big deal. I see it as us moving forward as a couple, facing the world (and debt) together.

A friend from college sees it differently. Said friend (DG) and I were IMing last night and had an interesting discussion. He is in the military (currently in Iraq) and is off-and-on with his girlfriend. They have big trust issues. We started talking about marriage and pre-nuptials. He is all for a pre-nup; I am not. You would think with my J.D. training that I would agree with them. I guess that I do in certain situations. If one person has a lot more money than the other and/or if the couple lives in a community property state, then I could see it.

DG has put a lot of money away every year since he has been in the military. He is worried that if he gets married and is a bigger saver than his wife, she will get half of his 401K if a divorce does occur. I told him that's why you need to KNOW the person you are marrying. You have open and honest conversations about the future, putting money away for retirement, etc.

I read recently that couples that keep separate bank accounts and just split up the bills are more likely to split up because it's "easier" to walk away from the relationship. BF and I certainly didn't get a joint checking account so that we are tied together financially and therefore won't split up. I see it more as symbolic of our relationship- that we are a team.

Right now BF is making a lot more money than I am. But I am scheduled for three promotions in the first two years of my new job (that I start MONDAY!), which means unless BF gets a raise in those two years, I will move much closer to his salary. By that point, I see us engaged or even married. We both have about the same amount of debt. After two years the pay disparity will be a lot less. I see no reason for a pre-nuptial agreement.

I see joint accounts as making decisions together on what we will spend our money on. Obviously, going out and spending money on clothes or something is not a big deal and asking your partner wouldn't be an issue. But, putting a dollar limit, say $500 or $1000, on what a partner may spend before having to ask permission from the other partner seems reasonable. That way money that could be better spent saving for house repairs or in a 401K and won't go towards new surround sound speakers or a future shoe fetish I might pick up.

If you are part of a couple (married/ unmarried), how do you guys handle your finances?