How do you know when you no longer want to friends with someone? What do you do when you have a large number of friends in common so if you suddenly weren't friends with this person it would be weird?
These are the questions that I am currently pondering. My friend CS is someone that I have spoken about before here and here. We first met each other in college when we lived on the same freshman hall together. We became close friends despite the fact she is from Jersey. ;-) We have taken trips together, cried over boys together, and have been there for each other for over 10 years.
However, CS started to change after getting her MBA. I guess she always had it in her- she used to say things like "when I get an engagement ring it has to be bigger than the last one given to a woman in my family." I used to laugh it off. But then she got her MBA and her true colors came out. She brags about her Dooney & Bourke purses, she brags about her $300 rain boots, she flashes her diamond & sapphire ring that "her daddy gave her." I hate people like that. I don't want to be friends with someone like that.
The next problem with our friendship is her on-again, off-again boyfriend. This girl is SO SMART. And yet? The boyfriend that has been around for FIVE YEARS that NONE of us have ever met? Let's just say she deserves better. She has a grad school degree....he hasn't finished his undergrad degree. She doesn't have kids.....he has twin daughters from a "pity f*ck" with a friend of his (he's not even smart enough to use a condom!!!). She wants to get married some day.....he doesn't ever want to get married. He was living with his kids' mother, saying that "of course" he was sleeping on the couch and not in bed with her, that living with her was just to save money.....but CS found text messages from the mother evidencing otherwise. CS says that she loves him while he is away in Iraq....and then goes and sleeps with her landlord and five other guys.
They have broken up and gotten back together so many times that we can't keep track. They are back on again and have been for a couple of months- but she didn't tell us until recently because she knows that we don't approve.
I am a blunt person. I like to think that my friends appreciate that I tell them the truth. I told CS that I think that she could do better. Many others have told her the same thing. But I think that it has strained our relationship.
I really do worry about CS. I think that she has completely put up a barrier to all of her friends, only giving us certain information and putting on a front. I wish I knew how to help her, but I don't think that she wants help.
Is this why I don't feel like we are friends anymore? Is this why I am not really excited that she is coming down to DC (not necessarily to see me) and would rather run my race than hang out with her? Isn't that a sign that I no longer want to be friends? How do you even distance yourself when you have a bunch of mutual friends?? Maybe she has already done that on her own?
Does this mean that I am abandoning her when she needs me?
4 comments:
While I think there are plenty of amazing people in this world who are without degrees and that people with kids are not the worst kind of partner in the world, that's not the point. =) On many counts, you no longer see eye to eye with your friend. You're in different places in your life with different life goals. You know, sometimes we outgrow friendships. If you are no longer excited to spend time with her, then I'd say it's time to move on. At least for the near-term. And no, I don't think this is abandoning someone in need. Not in this case, at least.
Sometimes people pust you away when they need you the most. They don't want to hear your thoughts or opnion becasue they match what they are really thinking and it hurts to hear the outloud.
I always found that the people who talk about how much they spend etc do that because that is how they determin self-worth, they have to quantify it by their dollars rather than who they really are.
Nilsa is right, we outgrow people and that is ok. Extend the olive branc to her and see what happens.
Wow. I don't think anyone needs a friend like this. I think it's best you move on. I can't really see anything here worth salvaging, no matter how happy your memories together might be.
Nilsa- I was just making a general comment about how different my friend and her "boyfriend" are. The last guy I seriously dated before CP did not have a college degree so I am not knocking it. And as far as the kid thing, I know that my friend wants to have her own....her "boyfriend" has said that he doesn't want to have any more kids.
Post a Comment