OMG

Soooo.....the turkey did not usher in my period this weekend. But this could be the reason why....

HOLY SH*T I AM PREGNANT!

Let me back up. As you all know, I went in on Day 20 of my cycle to my RE to make sure that I had ovulated. Once I did I started putting on estrogen patches and doing Ganerelix injections. I was so frustrated when I had a bit of blood on Day 25 (now maybe it was implantation bleeding?) and then nothing since then. Well...um...being pregnant would be a reason why I wouldn't get a period!

This weekend I was so pissed that I wasn't getting my period and that I wouldn't be able to cycle that I had two glasses of wine and took Nyquil so that I could sleep despite my never-ending cold.

So this morning I went into my RE's office to find out what was going on in my body. The ultrasound tech was very quiet the entire time and when she was almost finished she asked "Have you taken a home pregnancy test?" I said no because there was no way that I could get pregnant naturally. CP and I literally had sex once this month and while it was around ovulation, that wasn't on purpose. The tech said, "well, see this on the ultrasound? It's either a gestational sac or a cyst. And your lining is really thick- like 23 mm. I guess we will have to wait for your bloodwork to come back."

I tried my best to temper down my potential excitement because the month before we did an IUI and I didn't get pregnant, how the hell could we do it naturally? I got on my train, trying not to think about it, went into the CVS on the way to work to buy a pregnancy test, the whole time saying that I was just going to be disappointed. I found a plastic cup to pee into in my work bathroom and waited for the result. It took about a minute for the "pregnant" sign to come up and I about sh*t my pants. Then about a minute later, the 2-3 weeks popped up (today is Cycle Day 39).

Talk about no symptoms this time. No cramping in my uterus. No sore breasts. The only thing that has changed a bit is I am a bit constipated. I'm not even that tired. Maybe a lot of the early symptoms are mostly from the drugs that I am usually on? 

CP was shocked when I called him up. I had to email my nurse to see if she could switch the blood tests that they were running today. Obviously I don't need my baseline numbers.... I need a beta and my progesterone level!

Today, well, today I am ecstatic. CP and I got pregnant naturally. It is literally a miracle- especially after the past month where I have been super stressed at work. Continue growing little one!!

Resigned

I feel like I should feel more disappointed or pissed that this IVF cycle is converting to an IUI cycle. Instead, I am really busy at work and a lot of my energy is focused on planning a big event so I think that I currently just don't have the capacity to get riled up about it right now.

CP and I think that there is no chance of the IUI working and we are just doing it just to do it. We have the possibility of using frozen sperm from 2013 but will keep it frozen and just use fresh samples both days (my RE likes to inseminate two days in a row). Gotta keep the frozen sperm for something that may work. Good attitude right? But I can't muster up much enthusiasm for a procedure that I have already done three times with zero success.

So we look ahead to the next cycle. I am trying to get an appointment in with the doctor at the end of the month so we can talk about what happened and what to do with the next cycle. Would using the same protocol but with Lupron suppression (what I used for my first IVF cycle) instead of birth control pills be the answer? This protocol was supposedly very good for women my age. Who knows. CP and I should have put away more money from our tax return for a second cycle; it was very arrogant of us to only put away enough for one cycle of drugs.

A friend suggested that maybe because I have been pregnant and my body knows what to do the IUI will work. I guess that is possible but I still am not holding out any hope. We'll find out soon enough.

Oct 9 & 10- IUI insemination
Oct 15- progesterone level check
Oct 22- beta

Microblog Mondays

Infertiles often get very frustrated that our bodies can't or won't do what they are supposed to do. I am currently at that point with my body. My body held on to my uterine lining for way too long so we helped it along with a drug called Provera. On day two of my cycle my lining was still measuring a very thick 10.4 so I went back again today to see if I made any progress. Turns out I did (now I am measuring 7.4) but my doctor really wants me at 5-6 so I am still thicker than she would like.

What does this mean? Well today I started birth control and on the 15th I will have a saline sonogram. Depending on what the doctor sees during that procedure will determine our next steps. If she still feels that the lining is too thick then I will have a hysteroscopy under sedation where my lining will get scraped out. My uterus will have to wait at least three weeks to heal before we even think of doing anything. However, if the doctor likes what she sees on the sonogram then my timeline will get pushed up a little bit. 

After a discussion with the nurse it looks like July would probably be the earliest for my next cycle. So right now we are in a holding pattern with no clear-cut path. And of course I need to have a negative active CMV test before we do anything....

Want to read more Microblog Mondays? Go here....

Physical vs Emotional

Physical

On Friday around 1pm I took my first dose of Misoprostol- 4 pills vaginally. After only 20-30 minutes I started to cramp so I took two Tylenol 3 and kept working from home. Around 3:30 the cramps were getting worse but no bleeding quite yet. Around 4pm I decided to stop working and lay on the couch as it was getting hard to focus. An hour later I took more pain pills and soon afterwards, I bled a little bit when I went to the bathroom. CP came home with Izzy and took her outside so that I could continue to lay on the couch. I tried to nap but when I would get close to falling asleep, a wave of cramping would hit and wake me up. That night I slept off and on, mostly with a heating pad on my stomach but there was minimal blood- mainly when I would get up to pee.

Saturday I called the answering service to ask if I should take another dose because nothing was really happening. The doctor said that I could take another one or wait until my appointment (Friday). I ended up taking another dose early Saturday afternoon and expecting a night of cramping once again. CP took Izzy most of the day but I was able to go outside and play with Izzy a bit. I was definitely more tired/exhausted than anything else. Without the same pain as the night before, I got a better sleep Saturday night.

Sunday I felt up to breakfast with our friends and pretty soon after that, the second dose started working. I bled heavily Sunday and all of yesterday so I am thinking that it worked? I guess we will find out on Friday.

Emotional

I expected to be more emotional about this miscarriage. Although the more I thought about it and the more that I compared myself to others, I knew that I had it better. First off, I already have Izzy. Just having her makes this so much easier because I can focus on her instead of thinking about the miscarriage. I also had an early miscarriage. If this pregnancy wasn't going to work out in the end anyway but I had to get pregnant, at least my body gave me warning signs so that I wouldn't be surprised. The low first beta, the low progesterone, etc. After the bad first ultrasound, I knew what was going to happen and cried then. It's easier not seeing the heartbeat or having a few ultrasounds where everything looks good to then be surprised with bad news.

I am sad that Izzy's embryo "twin" (I like to think that because they were retrieved during the same cycle) was not healthy enough to become Izzy's little brother or sister (my assumption). I am sad that I am now facing another fresh cycle with wonky hormones and eggs that are two years older than last time. I am sad that my eggs, my response to the drugs, etc. is unknown at this time. I am sad that we have to spend more money on drugs. I am sad that I have to put more drugs in my body. I am sad that we have to wait until my HCG goes down to 0 to start over again. I am sad that I can't just focus on having a healthy pregnancy and that we have to put more time and effort into our family building efforts.

But I have faith that it will be all worth it. 

Thoughts on treatments

Around 1am on the 31st I sat in our hotel bathroom in Barcelona looking at the Lupron bottle, the small needles, and the alcohol swabs. Did I really want to put this in my body again? Could we really handle two kids? How would we afford it? More importantly could I handle two kids as a working mother when CP is traveling? 

The answer is who the heck knows. As much as I knew while going through treatments last time that I wanted a baby, I was terrified of what it might actually mean and just how much it would change my life. At times I was worried that it was more about me getting pregnant than actually having a child. Thankfully as soon as Izzy was here my fears were for naught and I loved being a mother. 

Now that I know how awesome it is to have a kid, I am not so scared that trying to get pregnant again is all about the pregnancy. However, I have been told by many, many people that just because you had an easy first kid, doesn't mean that you will have an easy second kid. Yesterday, the toddler room teacher at Izzy's daycare said that Izzy did a fantastic job over in her room. She said that it may be the easiest transition she has ever seen. I certainly can't expect another easy-going baby but boy is it going to be a shock if we don't have one!!

With two weeks to go before the transfer, I am excited about the prospect of getting pregnant and having another kid. I am terrified of something going wrong if I am able to get pregnant. I am also terrified if it doesn't work. I know that I have it better than most other infertiles because insurance pays for a lot of my treatment- but we only get two fresh cycles if this frozen cycle doesn't work. My body didn't respond last time with lots of follicles, so if I had to go through a fresh cycle again, I can't imagine that would change. If we go through our fresh cycles (and any corresponding frozen cycles) without a second child, do we stop then? 

It's times when my mind starts to wander into these questions that I start to remind myself of my motto from last time (also underneath the picture on my blog). If I start to go down the rabbit hole of "what if" scenarios then I will just make myself miserable. Let's take it just one day at a time. Currently I am on my medications and the frozen transfer is on. There is nothing else that I can be doing right now to ensure that this transfer works.

Maybe it's time to break out the Circle & Bloom IVF meditation series....they helped me a lot last time.

It's on!

Wednesday's ultrasound revealed no more fluid in my uterus but my lining was still too thick. After talking with the nurse that afternoon, she said that if my lining was not down to a more acceptable level (around 6) by Friday, that this cycle would be cancelled, I would stop all meds, we would induce a period and start all over again.

I really didn't want that to happen because although Lupron is not the most expensive drug (the one vial I have been using was $140), I didn't particularly want to waste $140 and all of the fun that comes with taking Lupron for over 20 days (headaches, weight gain, etc).

The good news is that I went in for an ultrasound this morning and although I did have some fluid near my c-section scar, I guess that is acceptable. I'm not sure how, but my lining is down to a 6! The nurse will email me my new schedule this afternoon and we will work on a transfer date. Feeling good going into the weekend!

Christmas Eve

Tonight after singing to Izzy, I will kiss her goodnight way too many times, tell her I love her, and tell her that I will see her in the morning. It is a ritual that I perform every night I put her to bed. I am thankful every day that she is in our lives. This Christmas, like last Christmas, will be even more fun with her presence and I assume that she won't sleep most of the day away like she did last time! As I mentioned before, I have a new appreciation for the holidays now that she is here. They are simply going to be more fun.

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I am very excited about all of the pregnancies of people on my blog roll. And to everyone that is still trying- I hope that 2015 is your year!

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Despite starting the process to get my meds last week my insurance company couldn't get the Lupron order processed until 3pm yesterday. By that time my doctor's office and I made the decision to order from Freedom Pharmacy as we recognized that they would have no problems getting it to us by today. I am currently waiting for the package to arrive from FedEx and I will start the Lupron shots on the 30th while we are in Europe.

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We leave tomorrow for Spain so this will be my last live post for almost two weeks. I tried to schedule some posts while I was gone but only was able to put up two between getting ready for the holidays and being sick. Please think of us tomorrow and hope that we brought enough snacks and things to distract Izzy as we fly from Chicago to Vienna and then onto Barcelona! I hope that everyone has a great Christmas and New Years and I will see you guys in 2015!

Microblog Mondays

I feel like the next month is going to fly by pretty quickly and suddenly I will be looking down the barrel of my frozen transfer. That's right- the saline sonogram showed a 1+ inch fibroid behind my uterus but everything else looked good so the January 28th transfer is a go!

I'm currently fighting with my insurance company to hurry up and send me the vial of Lupron prior to Thursday (when we leave for Spain) as I have to start giving myself daily injections on the 30th. The rest of the meds get to wait until I come back from our trip.

My body has cooperated so far....will my insurance screw all of this up?

Want to read more Microblog Mondays or find out what it is all about? Go here.

Back on drugs

Monday was Day 3 so I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. Everything looked good so today I started birth control! I am curious to see if the pills are going to make me crazy as I had one brand do that to me in law school....I guess we will find out soon enough? I told CP that I wanted him to let me know if I was acting "off" during the next month or so- which he then had me videotape and send to him so that he had proof that I asked him to do so. LOL.

Tomorrow I start three days of antibiotics to make sure that I don't get an infection from the saline sonogram on Friday.

Yesterday I got a call from the nurse asking if January 28th is an okay day to transfer. I thought that the transfer was going to happen a little earlier in the month but the 28th works out a little better for CP's travel schedule since basically as soon as we get back from Spain in January, he has to leave for Thailand again (for possibly three weeks). It's crazy that with a frozen transfer the office is able to pinpoint a day for the transfer so far in advance.

The next hurdle is the sonogram on Friday. I am not as worried about the fibroid because during my ultrasound on Monday, the ultrasound tech found it and it is only a little over an inch. I assume that is not big enough to trigger another surgery. The other cool thing that the tech found? She was able to see my c-section scar which she said is small and healed well. While I wasn't a fan of my OB's bedside manner, the fact that the c-section went perfectly and literally everyone that has checked out my external and internal scars said that she did an excellent job, I will be going back to her if I am able to get pregnant again.

Wish me luck on Friday!

First time back at the RE

As I mentioned last week, I was nervous for my first visit back to my RE since they released me to my OB early last year. I pulled into the parking lot and had to take a few deep breaths before I walked in. I brought a picture of Izzy to show the front desk ladies and my RE and everyone gushed over the picture. After filling out a few forms, I was called back to my RE's office. She hugged me which was awkward and weird because I literally saw her a total of two times during our first IVF cycle- during our consultation and when she did my saline sonogram. She didn't even do my retrieval or the transfer! However, I always said that I didn't need any hand-holding as long as she could get me pregnant. Because she held up her end of the bargain, I decided that I could allow the hug. :-)

The appointment didn't last long. She asked how my pregnancy went and then went into discussing a frozen transfer. The embryo that turned out to be Izzy was an AA embryo (the best you can have); the frozen embryo is a BB (partially because it was frozen on day 6 because it was a slightly slower grower). She said that they behave very similarly. With a BB embryo the thaw is successful 95-98% of the time which is encouraging. My chance of getting pregnant is a little lower than two years ago but because it is a quality embryo, she gave us a 50% shot.

My RE did mention that although she doesn't see it too often, if my insurance company says that this frozen transfer will count as a retrieval (I get two more fresh cycles through insurance), then she recommended that I do a fresh cycle to make sure that I don't lose one. CP and I completely agree....although it would be really dumb for my insurance to do that. We'll see. 

The best news of all is that I got in to see her in the nick of time and if everything goes well we can do a January transfer (thus why the Santa Hustle 5K may be my last race for a while)! I should be getting my period any day now so I head in for my day 3 bloodwork and dildo cam ultrasound whenever that happens. Then on the 19th my doctor will do a saline sonogram to check out the contents of my uterus and the fibroid. If everything is okay with my tests then I will go on birth control to control my cycle, start giving myself shots of Lupron (the devil drug), inject myself for two weeks with estrogen, stick some progesterone up my vagina and have the transfer in mid January! The only annoying thing is that I will have to bring Lupron and needles on our trip to Spain, but I don't think that will be too big of a deal.

I left the appointment feeling SO hopeful which worries me. I am going to do my best to stay positive and hopefully we don't hit any obstacles along the way.

Nervous musings

Today I am officially back on the infertility rollercoaster. In a few hours I have a consultation with my RE about trying for a second child. Although it is just a consultation, I am already getting nervous.

I was tremendously lucky to get pregnant and have Izzy through not only my first and only IVF cycle, but on my first transfer. Not knowing the heartbreak of a failed cycle or transfer is of course great, but it worries me that I am simply going to expect that this frozen transfer will go just as swimmingly and CP and I will be done with expanding our family in the next year or so. In reality, there are so many things that have to go well for this to happen. Can I really hope that lightening will strike twice for us?

Am I ready to ride the rollercoaster again? As much as CP is a fantastic father, he is not the most supportive husband while going through treatments. When I was in physical pain, for instance after my fibroid/endo surgery or after the retrieval, he was great. He took care of me and understood when I was not physically able to do anything. But the harder part is the mental aspect of the rollercoaster. You have hormones coursing through your body and you just feel different. Lupron made me depressed, not interested in working out, and just plain grumpy- and that was just one of the drugs that has now spent time in my body so far. Going through the two week waits after the three IUIs and the IVF transfer were difficult but he didn't understand why I was anxious and constantly thinking about it.

Maybe now that we have Izzy and he knows just how much is at stake he will be a bit more supportive while we go through this frozen cycle? But what if we don't make it to the frozen cycle for a few months? Now that our consultation date has been pushed back to today, a January frozen transfer will not be likely to happen. If it doesn't happen in January, CP wants to play God and push it off until May because fall is very busy with family birthdays, the holidays, etc. and he doesn't want a second child's birthday to be close to Izzy's birthday. I have argued that it is possible that I may need surgery based on the fibroid that is still lurking behind my uterus which would push us back a few months anyway. I have argued that if the frozen transfer doesn't work and we need to go into a fresh cycle we are now working with 36 year old eggs (as opposed to the 34 year old frozen egg in the embryo) and we already know that I am not a great responder to the medications. And really who cares if the birthdays are close together? So why are we unnecessarily pushing everything back?

*sigh* Maybe I should have a drink before I head into my consultation?

Re-thinking birth control

If you have been around these parts for a period of time, you know that I have four different fertility issues: endometriosis, a large fibroid in my uterus, a short luteal phase, and some wonky hormones.

This past weekend Aunt Flo arrived 32 days after my last period. She was quite heavier than last month, but based on my cervical mucus, my luteal phase for the past month was 14 days, aka the normal amount of time. YAY!  I'm not sure if every cycle will now be this way but I would be pretty happy if pregnancy "righted" my menstrual cycle and I had one less fertility issue to worry about (even if it is a relatively minor one that can be helped by taking progesterone).

However, if Aunt Flo will be visiting again on a regular basis, I have a decision to make. If CP and I are thinking about a frozen transfer of our one embryo next January, do I go on birth control until we need to start getting my body ready for the frozen transfer? The way I see it, there are three different things in play right now. 

1. Endometriosis.  I had no endo when my OB opened me up for my c-section and endo shouldn't have been growing the past five months or so as I didn't have my period.  However, regular hormonal fluctuations with your menstrual cycle can trigger endo growth....so if I am going to start getting a regular period the endo could come back.

2. Fibroid.  There currently is a stupid fibroid that my OB saw when she did my c-section.  Not sure if the size of it has changed in the last six months but it is not in a good spot to get removed. Birth control can make fibroids grow....but from my brief research there are certain kinds that wouldn't promote growth. Whether they are also the same kinds that would only give me a period every quarter in lieu of every month is the question.  (I think I remember my doctor saying that birth control that resulted in fewer hormonal fluctuations aka one that "skips" your period are helpful for women with endo.)

3. Breastfeeding.  While I am currently contemplating dropping a pumping session at work once Izzy turns 6 months (tomorrow), birth control can effect your supply.  I am okay with supplementing formula if I don't make enough milk, but I still want most of what Izzy drinks to be breastmilk so I need to be careful about what birth control I take.

So.  Birth control pills could potentially stop any endo from growing, but they could also effect the fibroid and breastfeeding.  Or I could continue to not take any birth control, but know that the endo may start to grow.  Would I then need another surgery this fall or winter? I really don't want to have another surgery...especially knowing that if I am able to get pregnant again I am looking at another c-section.

Choices, choices.  I sometimes hate my stupid body and wish all of this was easier.

Any wise words from readers?

When to try for #2

Most people say that you need to get out of the thick of sleep deprivation and crying/colic-y babies to even think about trying for baby #2.  In our case though, we had a baby that took three years to conceive (after a surgery, various drugs, two REs, a retrieval and a transfer). Once Izzy arrived, even though we were tired, it didn't matter.  She was so amazing that immediately our minds jumped to when to try for a second (and final) child. It seems fast, but there are a number of reasons that we want to get back on the baby train. It didn't hurt that Izzy was such a good newborn....although we fully recognize that if we are lucky enough to have #2, he or she is probably going to be the complete opposite of Izzy! (Note: despite the fact that we have talked about #2, please know that we have fully been and continue to be "in the moment" at every stage with Izzy.)

The conversation with my OB at my six weeks postpartum visit about birth control was a joke. I know that there are tons of stories about people that are suddenly fertile after doing IVF. I hold no nope that the fertile unicorn dust will enter into my life. We have male and female factor infertility in our relationship. I still have a fibroid hanging out in my uterus (has it gotten bigger/smaller since the c-section?  Who knows) and although I should not have any endometriosis at the moment, it could return with regular menstrual cycles and if I am part of the 50% of women that get endo removed simply to see it come back again. I also am working with a short luteal phase (although maybe not any longer?  Details in my next post) and wonky hormones that are out of normal ranges.

Adding up all of those factors, we hold out no hope for natural conception and CP and I made the decision to not take any birth control. I could give my body some time off from drugs and then I also don't have to worry about birth control messing with breastfeeding. (This may change- details tomorrow.)

So what is the plan? My OB recommended waiting 18 months between births for the uterus to completely heal. Basically, once Izzy turns 9 months old (end of August) we could start trying again. After some discussion, we have decided that we would like to do a frozen transfer of the one frozen embryo we have in January. That gives my body a few extra months to heal and gets us past the craziness of Thanksgiving/Izzy's first birthday/Christmas/etc. Depending on how long I breastfeed, it also gives me at least a month or two to have my body back before (hopefully) needing to restrict myself with food/alcohol due to pregnancy.

Obviously we hope that we are as lucky as the first time and that the embryo sticks and I have an uneventful pregnancy resulting in our second and final child. But just because we were lucky the first time doesn't mean that it will happen again. So the other part of the rush to get pregnant again, if possible of course, is because if I have to do another fresh cycle then we will no longer be working with my 34-year old egg embyro, but my 36 year old eggs. With my somewhat wonky hormone levels my body is not expected to yield very many eggs (like last time) which could lead to more cycles down the road if things don't go well. CP is turning 38 next month and like me, wants to get the show on the road so that we can finish our family building as soon as possible.

The second round of IVF will be interesting. I think that I won't be so nervous about the actual process, sticking needles into my belly, etc. There also won't be as much pressure because we do have Izzy. I think the next six months or so will go by quickly....and then we will have to see what happens! For now I am hopeful....but that might just be because I can enjoy Izzy and not think about my infertility for a few more months....

What what what?

This past weekend CP and I were talking and I mentioned that I would like to take a quick trip involving our alma mater with some of my college friends next November.  I said that I would love for him to come along (since we went to the same college), but if he didn't, he could stay home with the baby.  

He had the oddest response.  "But what if you are pregnant again next November?"

(Record scratches to a halt)  Ummm WHAT?!?

First, we need to get the current baby out of my body safe and sound before worrying about a second one.  

Second, I would like to wait AT LEAST a year before getting pregnant again- I believe that I read somewhere that ideally, you would have 18 months between the time that you deliver via c-section and getting pregnant again.  

Third, umm remember that it took us almost THREE YEARS to get pregnant.  Are you thinking that we are suddenly going to get pregnant by actually having sex (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)???  Alternatively, that's a lot of confidence that you have in our ONE frozen embryo and the frozen embryo transfer that we will have to go through.

Look, I get that CP is a few years older than me (he turned 37 in June, I turn 35 in December).  If he has the male equivalent of a biological clock, it is ticking.  I understand wanting to jump on the bandwagon sooner rather than later in completing our family.  I also understand that if the one frozen embryo doesn't thaw and/or doesn't implant, then I will have to go through another fresh IVF cycle when my eggs are no longer 34 years old.  I will be of advanced maternal age.  BUT I want to make sure that I do it safely and that we are ready.  We don't even know how we are going to react to having one child- let's see how that goes before trying to knock me up again!

It's truly amazing the things that will come out of the mouths of the male species.

Happy day

BIG SIGH OF RELIEF.

Today was my first ultrasound.  I'm only 5 weeks 5 days along so there was a high chance that the ultrasound would be a bit early to see much- not seeing much would have freaked me out until the next ultrasound.

I'm happy to report that I won't have to freak out for the next week.  It took a while (and some digging on the ultrasound tech's part- ouch!), but the ultrasound tech found the gestational sac, the yolk sac, the fetal pole, and finally the HEARTBEAT!  She was able to measure it at 93 beats a minute- which is normal for this early.  She thought there may be a second gestational sac, but it was smaller and once we told her that we only transferred one she dismissed the idea.  For a second there CP and I were freaking out!!

My next appointment is next Monday so hopefully the little one grows a bunch in the next week.  CP was able to come to the appointment and see everything- I'm so happy that he wasn't traveling!

Happy day!  Happy day!

Now if you excuse me I have to pee yet again and then take my Metamucil.  And yes, I acknowledge that I sound like I am 70 years old with both of those statements in the same sentence. :-)


*I wore my lucky socks again.  Needless to say, I think that I am going to have to continue to wear them throughout this pregnancy!!

Still in shock

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.  

Your excited comments for someone that you only know over the interwebs blew me away.  I honestly couldn't have gotten through the past few years without you- and if I'm lucky I still have the rest of 2013 to go with this pregnancy so I hope you stick with me!!

Lest you think that the crazy thoughts go away once you hear that you are pregnant, only an hour after I got the beta results my cell phone started ringing and before I picked it up to look at the number, a thought flashed through my brain that it must be the clinic calling me to tell me that they switched my beta results with someone one else and that I wasn't pregnant.  Thankfully it was only our HVAC guy. (Yes I am insane)

Juuuuust to make sure I decided to go home to have a pee stick party after work!  I ended up testing three times- when I got home, right before going to bed, and then this morning.

Not sure why I can't seem to turn this but the bottom line is the control line, the top line is the yes, you are truly pregnant line.

Don't worry- I won't be posting any more pee sticks on the blog for this pregnancy.  I finally have proof and that's all I care about.  :-)

So, next step is tomorrow's beta test.  Here's hoping that my hCG levels double!!

Holy poop

Just got news from the clinic....I'm no longer PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)- 

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right.....after almost three years I can finally say that I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

Holy poop. Holy poop.  Holy poop.

Still in so much shock and shaking.  There are still a ton of hurdles, but today I am on cloud nine.  :-)

As far as my beta test went, any hCG level over 25 is considered pregnant.  My clinic likes to see anything over 100....as always I like to be an overachiever so my beta was 233.  I'm back into the clinic on Thursday to make sure that my hCG level is doubling.  I have a long road ahead, but for today, I can breathe a BIG sigh of relief- I now have proof that CP's sperm and my eggs can have a fertilization party and implant in my uterus!!

No wine and sushi for me tonight!!  (happy dance)

Back to logical thinking

Sorry for my freak-out of a post on Thursday, but that's what was going on in my head.  Friday wasn't much better.  After work I took Buster on a long walk and when I got back all I wanted to do was clean.  If you have been reading me for a while, the urge to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS is my number one sign of an impending period.  I never got that feeling during my three months on Lupron prior to my fibroid/endo surgery so it has to have something to do with my reproductive hormones.

So of course the fact that I wanted to CLEAN EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE had me convinced that the embryo is gone.  CP went to a work happy hour (which turned into a late and drunken night for him- I decided not to go because I couldn't drink anyway) while I cleaned, watched tv, and then finished the book "The Fault in Our Stars."  I ugly-cried through the last quarter of the book so my eyes were nice and puffy the next morning.

Then on Saturday it was like I was normal again.  My logical brain took hold and is back in control.  If the embryo did implant then I shouldn't be feeling anything right now anyways....so I went about my day as if everything was normal.  It actually made for a nice and relaxing Saturday and Sunday.  Today?  Today I'm still in the relaxed mode.  There is nothing I can do or say at this point.  The beta test tomorrow is going to either show that I'm pregnant or that I am not pregnant.  

But logical, sane me HATES the fact that I was freaking out on Thursday and Friday.  I hate that the period in between transfer and a pregnancy test turns me into a basket case at times.  I guess I should be thankful that I was only freaking out for two days as opposed the entire 10 days....

I'm bummed that CP left for CA yesterday afternoon on a last-minute work trip.  He is scheduled to come back tomorrow, but it all depends on if the emergency situation has been fixed or not.  Even if he is able to come back tomorrow, he gets in really late.  I'll either be passed out in bed, drunk off a bottle of wine and full of sushi, or unable to believe that the IVF really worked.  We'll see....

Happy ICLW week!

Welcome to everyone that is here from ICLW this week.

My name is Non Sequitur Chica and I'm currently in the middle of the two week wait from IVF #1.  Last Saturday we had a 5 day transfer of a perfect embryo.  At the beginning of the week I was hopeful that I would be able to stick to topics OTHER than infertility/IVF/etc. but man is my brain making it hard.

I haven't felt any different than usual so my brain yesterday (and continuing into today) has me convinced that the transfer didn't work.  I know that this is crazy talk because at this point I wouldn't be feeling anything, but my crazy brain thinks that if the embryo did implant that something, anything would feel different.  Where was a sharp, stabbing pain that other women have felt when their embryo most likely implanted?

So instead of trying to stay positive, I'm thinking of what I'm going to do Tuesday night after I get the bad beta results from my clinic.  What bottle of wine I'm going to polish off by myself (thank goodness I work from home the next day).  What meal I will have that I wouldn't have been able to eat if I had gotten pregnant (at this point sushi is winning).  What kind of email I am going to write to the few people we have told about the transfer telling them that it didn't work and that I don't want to talk about it.

Then after Tuesday night and until we are able to get back on the horse again for a frozen transfer of the one frozen embryo we have, how I'm going to buckle down and really get to exercising again.  How I will once again be able to help CP paint and finish our bedroom so that we can move all of the furniture and begin sleeping in there again.  How I will be able to drink at the upcoming Widespread Panic show.  How I won't have to make up an excuse as to why I'm not drinking with friends next week.

*sigh*

This week is dragging on.  Can it just be Tuesday already?

My promise to you

I'm going to make a bold statement today.  It is my hope that this is the last pregnancy/infertility post this week.  I have been bombarding you guys with these posts since this IVF cycle started and as I try to tell others, there is so much more going on in my life than trying to get pregnant.  My hope is that by not focusing on this little embryo inside me, I will do a better job of surviving the wait until my beta test.

My beta test, which is a fancy term for getting your blood drawn at the doctor's office to test for the level of hCG in your system (lower than 5mIU/ml is considered negative for pregnancy, anything above 25mIU/ml is considered positive), is scheduled for the morning of the 26th.  That's right, my clinic doesn't mess around with having a woman wait too long (thank goodness).  So my two week wait has been shortened down to only eight more days from today.  Woo hoo!

Other things that I need to get out of my system:

*My best friend doesn't quite know the IVF terminology yet.  She IM'ed me on Friday to ask when "planting" was.  LOL.  After I corrected her saying that it was called a "transfer", she said that she likes planting better and will call any of our future children "sprout."  Hey, at least she's trying!  :-)

*Friday I had my last acupuncture appointment before the transfer.  I had a different person and I wasn't a huge fan of her technique.  I think that she also had to put the needles in very intense points, so it made for a bit of an uncomfortable appointment.  Anyway, she noticed the bruises on my stomach from the injections and called them my "flowers."  Well, that's certainly a nicer way to put it!  Thankfully they are all almost gone except for one.

*On Friday night CP and I both joked that we should bring candles and romantic music for the transfer (we didn't).

*CP and I had the beginnings of an adoption conversation in the car ride in for the transfer on Saturday before I shut it down.  I was telling him that our clinic doesn't have great stats on the rates of live birth after IVF (It's in the high 30% range for a cycle.  It jumps up to mid 40% after a transfer.), while clinics such as CCRM in Colorado and another one in NJ have rates in the 60% range!  (Interested in finding the stats for your clinic?  Go here.) I told him that someone from my RESOLVE group decided that they were done with our clinic and has decided to go the highly-regarded NJ clinic.  He argued that maybe it's a sign that she needs to move on from IVF, possibly towards adoption.  I told him that some people really want a biological child, and I would include myself in that group.  He then countered that he thinks that it's selfish because there are lots of kids out there that need homes.  I then started to get angry and shut down the conversation because I didn't want to think about the alternative as I was heading in for the transfer.  Hopefully we don't need to continue this conversation....

*While waiting for the embryologist, we were given a small packet of things to read.  One of the pages gave tips on how to survive the two week wait.  CP was howling when reading the advice.  One of the tips was to try not to symptom spot (something that he is CONVINCED that I am going to do).  That is part of the reason why I don't want to post this week about the cycle.  Feeling a twinge or cramping or whatever could either mean that I am pregnant, that I'm just feeling a side effect of the progesterone, or that I'm gearing up for my period. I truly won't know until the 26th, so why make myself anxious over it?  I don't know what pregnancy feels like anyway because to my knowledge, I have never been pregnant.  This, of course, is my logical brain talking.  See me later in the week or this weekend when my emotional brain is going nuts.  ;-)

*When CP and I got home on Saturday he was pissed that he forgot to make the "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" joke after the embryos was transferred.  Dork.

*On Sunday I got a call from my clinic about the two other slower-growing embryos.  They were basically a half a day behind the one we transferred and the embryologist thought that we could probably freeze one of them.  Her guess was correct- the clinic was able to freeze only one of the embryos but hey, that's another shot at pregnancy if this one doesn't work out.  Or hopefully the one shot we need in two years!  

*That being said, it's weird to think that there is an embryo in my uterus right now.  The clinic gave us a printout of the embryo in my uterus (with a helpful arrow showing exactly which white spot was the embryo) and every time I pass by it in the kitchen, I smile.

*This is truly my first two week wait in ALMOST A YEAR (basically since my last IUI).  That's crazy!  Sure CP and I sort of timed sex around ovulation after we finally were in the same state again, but I didn't have any hope of it working so it wasn't a true 2ww.

*Before getting in the shower this morning I noticed that despite the threat of hiding the pregnancy tests, that CP didn't hide them after all!  While I was in the shower I thought that I could take a test now while the hCG trigger is still in my body so that I could finally see a positive pregnancy test.  But then I realized that seeing it may make me even more depressed if this cycle doesn't turn out the way we hope.

So that was my pregnancy/infertility word vomit for the week.  I'm amazed if you made it this far.  Tomorrow I promise a post on something completely different!!