Almost Wordless Wednesday- catching up

Various adventures from October....

On Columbus Day I had the day off from work and Izzy's daycare was closed so we had a Mommy-Izzy day! We went downtown to the Lincoln Park Zoo. Izzy enjoyed watching the monkeys run around after each other, but her favorite part of the day was riding the carousel.

Excited to ride the giraffe

She insisted on watching the ducks for a very long time

How YOU doin'?

We finished the day off with ice cream....

......before coming home to a fallen tree in our backyard (it was very windy that day). CP had the pleasure of using the chain saw that weekend to cut it up. We are getting quotes on possibly taking out what is left of the tree this fall (and hopefully putting in a flowering tree like a dogwood or magnolia)!

We enjoyed watching the Cubs in the playoffs. Since we don't have cable we went out to eat to watch one of the games. The whole restaurant was watching and Izzy got really into clapping when everyone else was cheering and getting excited.

Go Cubbies!

 Right before our first frost we picked a bunch of veggies from the garden- broccoli, carrots, radishes, peppers, cucumbers, and tomatoes. Yum!

 Izzy and I also did a Halloween project. I had her draw on different colored pieces of paper, then cut them up to make "hair" for a funny face on our front door.

 The final product- it's hard to see the scribbles on the hair but Izzy is proud anyway!

Microblog Mondays- Bad Hormones

My hormones are biting the dust. After getting my BFN on Thursday and getting my period on Friday, I went into my clinic this morning to get my baseline. Only three follicles spotted on the ultrasound and my FSH level is at 20. YIKES.

I have an appointment on Friday with my doctor, who has just come back from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) conference. My nurse says that she is likely to put me on a "flare" protocol which would have me ovulating like normal and then starting estrogen patches on day 20 of my cycle, along with an antagonist like Ganirelix. But we'll see....maybe at the conference my doctor learned of a new magical protocol that ensures success in 100% of cycles? LOL.

Want to read more Microblog Mondays entries? Go here.

Diary of a Bad Year

Yesterday when driving to pick up Izzy at daycare after work, there was a story on NPR about Kelly McEvers' radio documentary "Diary of a Bad Year." Kelly recently hung up her flak jacket as a war correspondent and became a co-host on "All Things Considered", NPR's afternoon show.

I have always wondered how people could put themselves in danger; I didn't understand how they could put themselves on the front lines. Turns out that people who are attracted to extreme sports and jobs such as being a war correspondent have more dopamine in their body than those of us "boring" people. It drops for everyone over the course of their lives so that is why I did things like sky diving in my 20s but would probably think much harder about doing something like that these days.

During my walk today with Buster I listened to the hour-long documentary. I tried to hold back the tears as Kelly interviewed Sebastian Junger (writer of A Perfect Storm and War, also a former war correspondent). Sebastian said that once a close friend of his died while covering a story, he decided that he had to quit. He started to think about the fact that holding a job like his, where you are making life and death decisions every day, you are gambling with other people's sorrow. You are dead so you don't have to see the pain that you have caused others from your death. Just thinking about that concept placed a huge weight on my shoulders and chest; it literally felt like I weighed more as I tried to walk Buster.

I have thought about this before...the what would happen if I died soon. Of course I would be heartbroken to miss so much of Izzy's life, but really, I would feel much worse that I wouldn't be around for her. In the documentary Kelly also interviewed the daughter of a war correspondent and at 42, she was still upset that her father had chosen his work over spending time with her. I feel comfortable in saying that neither CP nor I chose work over Izzy. We worked so hard to have her and both chose to spend time with her over work. Once we get home from work we are present and enjoying our family time.

Already Izzy asks for CP when he is on a trip. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to have to explain over and over that Daddy wasn't coming home. Thank goodness CP and I don't need an adrenaline rush at work. I suppose that I probably could never have even married or dated someone that needed that rush.

I realize that anyone could die at any second and the fact that I am not a war correspondent doesn't make me immune from death. However, maybe I have a chance at living longer because I don't put myself in harms way on a daily basis. Either way, I would highly recommend this documentary. I still don't understand how running away from gunfire or mortar attacks could be "fun"- especially when you have a family- but recognize that war correspondents question themselves and why they want to do the work as well.

Big fat negative

Well, to no one's shock or surprise, my beta came back as less than 1. I still had a tiny bit of hope this morning but this afternoon when I went to the bathroom I saw blood on the toilet paper and knew it was over.

My appointment with my doctor is not until next Friday but there is a possibility that I could still cycle anyway even with my period starting full flow tomorrow. I'm going to head home tonight and take inventory of all of the medication that I have at home and email the nurse. She is going to try to talk to my doctor tomorrow to discuss the protocol. I mentioned that I didn't want to do birth control again because I believe I was over-suppressed but mentioned that I have Lupron at home (leftover from the FET this spring).

So hopefully I don't have to wait an entire month to start cycling again. We'll see.

Symptom spotting

With only one day left I am beginning to symptom spot. I am trying my best not to think about it but it is simply not working. Of course all of this could be over if I went out and bought a pregnancy test, but I refuse to spend the money. I'll find out via phone call in a little over 24 hours anyway.

Today I woke up and am feeling very crampy. I KNOW that this could be because of the Endometrin but it hasn't gone away yet. Period-like cramps were what I felt about two days before the beta with IVF #1/Izzy....but I also had sore boobs. So far no sore boobs. Other than a headache last night and some constipation (both of which could be blamed on the progesterone), that's all I got. A little cramping does not make a pregnancy- especially from an IUI.

I really shouldn't be getting my hopes up with just one day left to go. It will only lead to disaster tomorrow while I am at work.

Waiting for Thursday

So far I have been in a fairly good headspace during this TWW. I'm just looking forward to Thursday and to moving past what will be another negative beta test after an IUI. 

On Friday I started to google when an HCG shot would be out of my system. Most websites said that the amount of HCG decreases in half every day (I took a 10,000 unit trigger on Thursday the 8th). The general consensus of women who tested out their HCG shot online was 7-10 days. You see on Saturday night our neighbors and friends were having a big party and I wanted to test, get a negative, and feel okay about drinking. Clearly it was too early though so I went to the party and sipped a half glass of wine the entire time (CP wasn't happy about me drinking at all but I figured half a glass wouldn't do any harm).

Last Thursday I donated more blood to the clinic to determine my progesterone level. Not surprisingly my level was too low so I had to start supplementing. Endometrin hasn't been so bad. There is the same need for a panty liner as Crinone, but somehow less stuff to scoop out in the shower (TMI!). However, the cramping that happens every.single.time. I stick the pill up me is no fun.

CP is out of town for work until Friday and we have our follow-up meeting with the Dr. next week to figure out the next IVF cycle.

Less than three days. I'm too cheap to buy any pregnancy tests this time around because I am 100% sure that I am not pregnant so I'm just waiting for the inevitable.

(I feel like the way this is written makes me seem very depressed about this, but I'm really doing just fine. Just ready to move on.)

Day in the Life- Fall 2015 edition

Visit My Life in Transition to submit your DITL post by Thursday!

CP- 39

NSC- almost 37

Izzy- 22.5 months 

Buster- 4.5

I decided to do a weekend day so I picked Sunday, October 11th.

Pee twice over the night- once at 3:55am, another at 7am. I don't know if it was the IVF drugs but I have been peeing way too much in the middle of the night this cycle. :-( Izzy wakes up at 7:30 which is amazing. She seems to be sleeping in with the later sunrises and we are not complaining! CP tries to take her downstairs himself but she insists on holding both of our hands ("hand!") and putting on her slippers once I put mine on.

Once downstairs CP turns on "Frozen" because he is a bit hungover from last night. Izzy's cow costume came yesterday so I decide to have her try it on to make sure it fits for Halloween (just barely because of her height- the costume is a 3t-4t!).

Izzy mooing while in her costume

I start to defrost banana pancake batter I made a few months ago to make pancakes for breakfast. Not sure this batter is going to turn out okay. 

Hmm they look and feel more like crepes. Meanwhile Izzy is playing with CP and playdoh. I decide to give up on making more pancakes- Izzy can eat the crepe pancakes- so I throw the rest of the batter in the garbage, vow to never freeze pancake batter again and head in the sunroom to turn on Sesame Street and play with playdoh with Izzy.

CP makes omelettes for us with broccoli from our garden. We all sit down for breakfast.

Izzy enjoys the pancakes despite the weird texture

9am- I take Izzy upstairs to change clothes while CP does the dishes. I water plants and bring clothes down to the basement to do laundry. Laundry, the bane of my existence.

I change clothes while CP showers. Izzy and I leave around 10 for a walk with Buster around the neighborhood; we are back 35 minutes later. CP heads out to get a haircut while we are walking.

Ready for our walk

CP gets back right before 11 and we decide to blow up the bouncy house we borrowed from a neighbor so that Izzy can get some energy out. CP heads down to the basement to change out the air filter on the HVAC system and the humidifier pad. Izzy bounces for a little over 30 minutes before she is done. 

Izzy helps to get all of the air out then we head inside for some water. She then starts crying when I tell her she has to drink her own water.

CP is done in the basement and starts to make an Asian sauce for grilled chicken wings for lunch. I distract Izzy by playing with stickers with her, then dancing around to music.

12:15- lunch outside because it is so nice today. Izzy has applesauce, a chicken wing, and some crackers (she refuses to eat the yogurt with honey and granola in it). CP and I have wings.

YUM

Halfway through lunch a neighbor kid brings a Radio Flyer scooter over for Izzy saying that he and his brother no longer use it- score! Izzy is pysched and wants to try it out before finishing lunch. 

Still learning

After trying it out a few times we head back to the table for lunch. Izzy says "go away bee!" to a wasp and then proceeds to throw down the chicken wing bone for Buster. CP and I both shout "leave it!" and are able to pick it up before Buster hurts himself. Buster is quite disappointed.

After lunch Izzy runs over to her new scooter again. She still can't quite figure it out so she mainly pushes it backwards. She'll get it at some point. We also snicker as Izzy calls it "Izzy cooter" (because we are 12).

Izzy is still hungry so I give her a Lara bar after she refuses an apple and a banana (very unlike her). I also change her diaper and floss my teeth.

1:15- CP leaves with Izzy to go to the Asian market and grocery store to get food for the week. I change the laundry and make the bed with clean sheets before heading out to Home Depot. Whenever I leave bed making to later in the day I forget and get pissed that I have to do it right before getting into bed.

2:25- I leave Home Depot having gone a little crazy on perennials because they were on huge sale! I also randomly got 10% off from a really nice cashier. I now have a lot of planting to do (33 plants- Hosta and New Hampshire Purple Cranesbill) while CP is still at the store/ during Izzy's nap. I take all of the plants out of the car.

CP and Izzy get home around 2:50. Izzy and I are outside for a few minutes before heading upstairs with a sippy cup of milk. Chris didn't get everything he needed so he heads out to another grocery store, hoping to get home soon as the Patriots game starts at 3pm.

I change yet another poopy diaper (3rd today!) then read "Duck on a Bike" while Izzy drinks her milk. 

We sing "You are my Sunshine" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" together while I video it because it is super cute to have her sing with me. I put her in her crib, Izzy tells me "Mommy go" and I put on her white noise giraffe (heartbeat sound) as I walk out the door.

3:15- I head downstairs and hear her start to cry but it's only for a minute. I turn the monitor on and watch her use the blanket in her crib like a cape and then talk to herself as she lays down. She throws her Pooh Bear pillow out of the crib and is hysterical until I go back upstairs and put him back in the crib.

The Izzy ghost

She is alternately jumping on the mattress, talking to herself, and taking off her pants and shirt and trying to put them back on. Silly girl. I do some quick browsing of Facebook and have to tell Izzy over the monitor to not take her diaper off as well. :-/

She is still fighting her nap at 3:50 but I have a lot to plant so I head outside with the monitor. Soon afterwards CP gets home so I give him the monitor while he watches the game.

4:45- I'm still planting while CP watches the game. Izzy still hasn't napped yet but after 1.5 hours it's time to give up on that nap.

Watering the new plants. Looking at this just makes my back ache.

5:30- I am finally done planting. I finish cleaning up bounce house and the backyard from the day. Izzy comes outside and plays in the sprinkler that is watering the new plants (she also instructs me to run in the sprinkler as well). 

Sprinkler fun

We head inside at 5:50 to feed Buster. Izzy now likes to come to the basement to help fill his bowl and bring the bowl upstairs. Find out from CP that when he went upstairs to get Izzy she had a huge poop in her diaper (probably why she was taking off her clothes). Whoops. Didn't even think about the possibility because I changed a poopy diaper before putting her down. Lesson learned. He had to give her a quick bath because I guess she was sort of a mess.

6- I ask Izzy if she is hungry and she says yes. I heat up two frozen turkey meatballs and edamame. She also gets some Greek Yogurt with honey and granola. She puts the meatballs and edamame in with the yogurt and eats it. Yuck. 

Toddler food combos

I head upstairs to change Izzy's sheets and make sure she didn't get any poop on her crib while CP sits down with her.

6:25- Izzy helps us unload the dishwasher. I head upstairs for a quick shower as I am still dirty from planting.

6:35- I'm out of the shower and Izzy comes upstairs with her backpack on, followed by CP. I get dressed and CP and I start to try to fold clothes while Izzy jumps on the bed (we do our best to stop her but it is not working out so well).

7pm- We are both losing patience with her and she is in quite a manic state (she gets that way when she is tired) so I head downstairs to grab her milk while CP takes her into her room to start reading books. I continue to fold laundry and sneak into Izzy's room to put her clothes away while she is brushing her teeth.

7:25- I head downstairs to wash dishes. CP is done putting Izzy to bed by 7:30 and Izzy seems to be asleep by 7:45. Score! I check my fantasy team and laugh at how horrible my team is (Tom Brady got me 23 points- I currently have 28 points total. YIKES!) CP and I then make our dinner- Pad thai and Green papaya salad. I was a little skeptical about the salad as this is the ingredient list: salt, garlic, green papaya, cherry tomatoes, fish sauce, pad thai sauce (should have been tamarind water but we couldn't find it), lime juice, sugar, peanuts, green beans, and a chile pepper (we used jalapeno). Turns out it was delicious!

Big wood mortar and pestle from CP's travels to Thailand

8:15- CP and I finally sit down to dinner and watch Family Guy. We wash dishes and I grab one scoop of ice cream for dessert. At 9 we start to watch Quantico- is anyone else watching this? I feel like it has a great premise but could be a much better show. After it is over we head upstairs and go to bed. My back hurts from all of my planting and I am exhausted!

THE END.

Infertility can make things awkward

The IUI is complete for today. I couldn't even muster up the interest to wear funny socks. Oh how things have changed from my first IUI and the hope that I had of IUI being the answer for us. The good news is that CP gave a good sample- 11 million after the wash (they like to see anything over 9 million) and 86% motile (they like to see over 45%). I'm cramping a little bit but it's not too bad and it will likely go away soon.

The funniest part of today? Prior to the IUI, CP and I both dropped Izzy off at school today. Her teachers noticed how proud she was to walk hand in hand with both of us and asked what was going on today. We just laughed and said that it was because we were both working from home but as soon as we got in the car we burst out laughing because wouldn't that have been a shock to them if we told them the truth. "Oh yeah, we are just heading out to jizz in a cup and then get inseminated. No big deal." LOL.

Resigned

I feel like I should feel more disappointed or pissed that this IVF cycle is converting to an IUI cycle. Instead, I am really busy at work and a lot of my energy is focused on planning a big event so I think that I currently just don't have the capacity to get riled up about it right now.

CP and I think that there is no chance of the IUI working and we are just doing it just to do it. We have the possibility of using frozen sperm from 2013 but will keep it frozen and just use fresh samples both days (my RE likes to inseminate two days in a row). Gotta keep the frozen sperm for something that may work. Good attitude right? But I can't muster up much enthusiasm for a procedure that I have already done three times with zero success.

So we look ahead to the next cycle. I am trying to get an appointment in with the doctor at the end of the month so we can talk about what happened and what to do with the next cycle. Would using the same protocol but with Lupron suppression (what I used for my first IVF cycle) instead of birth control pills be the answer? This protocol was supposedly very good for women my age. Who knows. CP and I should have put away more money from our tax return for a second cycle; it was very arrogant of us to only put away enough for one cycle of drugs.

A friend suggested that maybe because I have been pregnant and my body knows what to do the IUI will work. I guess that is possible but I still am not holding out any hope. We'll find out soon enough.

Oct 9 & 10- IUI insemination
Oct 15- progesterone level check
Oct 22- beta

Almost Wordless Wednesday- Pumpkin Patch

This past weekend the family headed up to my parent's place in MI. Buster is always excited to head to MI because it means running around the large property, chasing animals, and lots of extra petting/treats/attention from my parents. Izzy is more recently aware of Michigan and likes to say that we "drive to Michigan" which is correct.

We decided to head to a local farm to pick out pumpkins. Luckily for Izzy it also had a bouncy house and a pony ride so she had fun.

Tall girl!

I swear Izzy thinks that ponies and horses are everywhere we go. The horse's name was Pumpkin and Izzy (of course) had a great time riding.

Izzy said this pumpkin was "heavy"

Posing on top of pumpkins

My parents hadn't gone apple picking yet this year so after the pumpkin patch and lunch we headed out for some more apple picking. For those keeping score this was our third apple orchard, so far in three different states (WI, NH, MI). Lol we do love our apples.

Izzy also deemed this bag of apples "heavy" but continued to drag it on the ground until I took it away. She was not happy about that.

Eating an apple as big as her head!

Saturday night was our 6th anniversary so CP and I snuck away for a lovely dinner in South Bend, IN while my parents watched Izzy. I can't believe that CP and I had our first date a little over 10 years ago (October 2, 2008)! I have known CP for more than 1/4 of my life- crazy!

Inconclusive

I made it through Saturday's ultrasound and bloodwork appointment. I only had two measurable follicles (one around 7, another around 8) but some smaller ones popped up...so I was told to continue my higher dose of meds and come back today.

This morning I still only had two measurable follicles- one at 12.7, the other at 12.9. I have now been on stims for 10 days (day 11 would be tonight) with only two follicles to show for it. At this point during IVF cycle #1 I had already triggered.

So...only two measurable follicles and some quick research yesterday online that talked about diminished egg quality if stims are used 12 or more days. Two more issues come up as well- I am all out of Menopur and would need to rush around today to find some for tonight (as well as a little more Gonal f) AND having to think about insurance. Is this cycle worth it if best case scenario I only have two mature follicles for retrieval? I only have two fresh IVF cycles left that would be covered under my insurance plan. Who knows what my fertilization and drop off rate would be- would I even make it to transfer?

I guess I am thinking that it would be best to cut our losses right now and just transfer this to an IUI. *sigh*

I will update when I hear from my clinic.

********UPDATE***********

Just talked to the nurse. Apparently the ultrasound lady gave me incorrect follicle sizes this morning and there are two right under 13 right now. Two measurable follicles at this point is still not great so we are likely going to do an IUI for this cycle (I have to go home and talk to CP first). It is likely that the follicles will stall on their own so continuing the meds is the best chance of ovulating.

Tonight I don't have any Menopur but we will be ordering more for tomorrow. I will take the rest of my Gonal f and also get more tomorrow. I will go in for monitoring on Wednesday morning with a likely trigger on Friday, IUI on Saturday. I asked if an IUI is even worth it at this point since all three back in 2012 didn't work, but frankly, it would at least give us a shot. You know that $900 I was so excited about saving when I bought all of the drugs? Well that is likely going to go towards these extra drugs for the next few days. :-/

After the IUI doesn't work we'll have to meet with the doctor to figure out the next protocol. Maybe one WITHOUT birth control pills.

Slightly better

My cycle hasn't been cancelled yet but as I injected myself tonight, I was imaging wasted money going into my body via the needles. *sigh*

The old follicle from my last cycle on the right is shrinking- which is good. But otherwise I only seem to have 2 or 3 follicles on the left. They are all under 10 so my doctor is hoping that by upping the amount of Gonal f tonight and tomorrow to 375 (Menopur stays the same), it will encourage new follicles to join the party.

My estrogen increased (good news), but my progesterone and the other hormone they checked (it's late and the name is escaping me) stayed the same.

Next check on Saturday morning. I'm not feeling very hopeful guys. I got very mad at the Circle & Bloom lady tonight when she told me to envision thousands of follicles in my ovaries. I don't think getting mad at a meditation track is going to help....