Thanks for all of your supportive comments yesterday. And life continues…
This morning I received an email from someone I have talked about before. A formerly very good friend that, well, I just don’t know where we stand right now. We still have many mutual friends, she came to my wedding, but I think that she is harboring ill feelings towards me because I am blunt with her. For the most part, that is just my personality. If I think that you are living in a dream world, I point it out. I like to think that although the person doesn’t want to hear it at the time, that they will appreciate it at some point.
So my problem is this. I, along with seven other people in the email chain, get an email this morning that reads the following:
The short is that I've been carrying on with this one guy. We had a long talk about our feelings towards each other last week. I spend nearly every moment with the guy- gym before work, drinks on the weekend, constant emails, etc. He's smart, funny, hot, and sweet. Ok, so what's the problem? We're coworkers...and he's married... I know, I know. I'm telling this to a bunch of married people. Trust me, I almost didn't for that reason. It's bad and it's wrong, and I keep telling him that we can't carry on. Only, we can't seem to keep away from each other. I'm so conflicted. His marriage isn't the best, but I don't want to be "that girl". I'm so conflicted. I know he's crazy about me, but he's also not available. FML. HOW do I always find myself in these situations?!?!?! We've had an ongoing flirtation for a year, but we broke not too long ago after we worked out together and then had drinks. Oh ladies. As if my life isn't complicated enough. No judgment please!
She is writing this to seven women that are married, four of the seven have kids (one is pregnant with her third kid). AND one of the seven had her husband cheat on her about a year ago.
Ummm how can I not judge? CP suggested telling her to see a therapist because she obviously needs help, but I can’t be that blunt. I want to point out that she ONLY goes for guys that are unavailable. I pointed it out with her last “boyfriend” and it didn’t go over too well.
I don’t want to condone this behavior at all. I want to tell her that she needs to figure out why she goes for unavailable men. That this guy probably wouldn’t be interested if he wasn’t married (then there is no sneaking around). That even if he left his wife for her, why would she want him? Wouldn’t she be worried that if he got bored with their relationship that he would start cheating on her too? That she should break it off with him and pull away. If he is still interested, then have him get separated/divorced from his wife and then starting dating him.
But at this point is it even worth it to say something?
10 comments:
ugh stories like this frustrated me. i don't have any good advice for you but i do hope you keep us updated on the situation and i hope she does the right thing!
Oh god. I don't know. This is tricky because she SOUNDS like she is asking for input but she isn't REALLY, she just wants someone to write back and say, "Go for it!" And if you write back and say otherwise she will tell you that she asked you not to judge. What a mess. I don't think anyone can fix this for her--it sounds to me like she will have to learn the hard way. The only reason she gives for not wanting to do this is not wanting to be "that girl"? That implies she doesn't want others to see her a certain way, rather than actually not wanting to be that certain way herself. I would probably not even bother over this. It will just give you a headache. It sounds to me like the best days of your friendship with this girl are behind you.
Good luck!
I'm so blunt... your friend is an idiot. These situations all have something in common: her. They don't find her, she finds them. Agree with Jess... I'm not really even sure why you would continue a friendship with someone who repeatedly does stupid stuff like that. She needs to get her act together, fast!! So sorry you have to deal with that!
I'm just putting this out there. But why would you want someone like this as a continued friend? One of the things that I cling to is that my friends and I are on the same path of honesty and integrity. When one of us veers off the path, we don't spend much time mincing words over it. Change, or get off the path.
I cannot call people my close friends who are dishonest and manipulating. That drags ME down, to even play at that level. And I can't do it. If it were me, I'd simply send an email saying, "I cannot condone this behavior and I don't want to hear anything more about it." Because to NOT say something is to condone it and makes you dishonest as well.
But that's how it would make ME feel. I'm not you. Right? I'm not judging you here, I'm more looking at my own past and seeing situations where I'd have liked to have acted in this manner.
I agree with what others have said.
This girl seems like a total attention seeker. Who in their right mind does something like this, THEN basically brags about it via email to 7 people??? If I were you, I'd totally ignore her. Attention seekers hate being ignored because it doesn't validate them as being the most important person in the world.
Side note: UGH, I have no understanding for cheaters AT ALL, no matter which side of the coin you're on (cheater or cheatee).
Wow! all I can say is that girl has some set of balls. It sounds like she is looking for approval, for someone to agree that it will all work out etc.
I guess the question that you have to ask your self is if you want to get caught up in the drama. By responding (no matter what you say) she has "hooked you".
Sometimes silence and the delete button are golden
YES! Tell her to see a therapist! Lord knows it sounds like she needs one...or two...
I can't believe her!! I agree with most everyone else that she is looking for someone to tell her that what she is doing is okay. And I have a feeling that no matter what your response is she is going to continue this relationship. I simply don't believe that she truly feels as if she is doing something wrong. I know she doesn't want to be "that girl" but she already is! And she could have prevented that already and hasn't.
You are in a tough position and I don't think anything you do or say is going to change the situation for her. She is a grown adult and needs to figure this out on her own.
ummm yeah. she clearly is just looking for validation, and will feel "judged" if you don't give it to her. rock, hard place, etc. crappy situation. i'm interested to know what any of the 7 of you write back!
i agree with everyone else. just looking for validation and if you don't give it to her, she'll blow you off and your opinions. if the fact that the guy is married and she knows it and is vocalizing not wanting to be the "other girl", isn't enough to make her run, some friend telling her that sure isn't going to do anything! i wouldn't waste your breath
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