Last week both Esperanza and Too Many Fish to Fry posted on birth plans and expectations of pregnant women (posts here and here). The discussion in the both of the comment sections were fascinating and got me thinking about my expectations.
Although I have known for two and a half years that I have to have a C-section, I still haven't come to terms with it. Every time someone gets to have a natural birth I am jealous. I often see professional articles that vaginal births are "better." I watched The Business of Being Born before actively trying to have a family and now feel as if I am somehow part of the problem (although from what I remember, the movie doesn't address medically-necessary C-sections). A vaginal birth is what I wanted. I hear about various problems people have after C-sections such as breastfeeding, skin-to-skin contact, etc. and it makes me sad and angry that I too may have the same problems.
I know that there are some positives to having a C-section. One of them being that we can schedule the birth date. However, what happens if I start to go into labor early? I have been told that I basically need to rush into the hospital if this happens because my uterus could rupture. Awesome. So unlike regular pregnant women that just have to worry about their water breaking in an inopportune moment, I have to worry about the possibility of dying if I don't get to a hospital in time.
Why am I not able to let the fact that I have to have a C-section go? Why am I defensive about needing a C-section when talking about it with others? Why do I feel like I am "less than" when my prenatal yoga teacher talks about her unmedicated water birth and the "amazing" experience she had and the resources that we can use to research these kind of births? Why do I get so annoyed when coworkers or family members that have no knowledge of my surgery joke that I could have a Christmas baby? "NO!" I want to shout. "This baby won't even have the chance to be born in December." I don't feel the need to explain my situation or the fact that I will need a C-section, but still get annoyed because I know that I don't even have the choice.
Why am I not able to let the fact that I have to have a C-section go? Why am I defensive about needing a C-section when talking about it with others? Why do I feel like I am "less than" when my prenatal yoga teacher talks about her unmedicated water birth and the "amazing" experience she had and the resources that we can use to research these kind of births? Why do I get so annoyed when coworkers or family members that have no knowledge of my surgery joke that I could have a Christmas baby? "NO!" I want to shout. "This baby won't even have the chance to be born in December." I don't feel the need to explain my situation or the fact that I will need a C-section, but still get annoyed because I know that I don't even have the choice.
There is absolutely nothing I can do about my circumstances. No, it is not my ideal situation, but maybe instead of worrying about what I can't change and how it could affect things in the future, I just need to focus on the positive.
For me, a C-section means that my child and I will come out of his/her birth alive. In the end, it hopefully doesn't matter how he/she was born. I will try to work through any breastfeeding problems I have. I will do research on what kinds of things I can do after a c-section to promote a healthier birth and baby. In the end though, I will have the baby that I have been working for and really that's all that matters.
I need to work on the things that I can control while trying not to focus on the things that I can't. In the end, I like the advice from Too Many Fish to Fry- your birth is like a wedding. Both are only for one day. Marriage and parenting are for life.
For me, a C-section means that my child and I will come out of his/her birth alive. In the end, it hopefully doesn't matter how he/she was born. I will try to work through any breastfeeding problems I have. I will do research on what kinds of things I can do after a c-section to promote a healthier birth and baby. In the end though, I will have the baby that I have been working for and really that's all that matters.
I need to work on the things that I can control while trying not to focus on the things that I can't. In the end, I like the advice from Too Many Fish to Fry- your birth is like a wedding. Both are only for one day. Marriage and parenting are for life.
12 comments:
I really recommend you read the recent blog posts from Belle (scrambled-egg.org) about this topic. She really wanted to have a natural birth, but ended up having to go the C-section route as her baby was breech. She ended up doing a family-centered c-section that allowed her a lot of the things she wanted (skin-to-skin contact, reduced pain medication, etc). It's something I've been talking with my care team about as I'm pretty certain we'll have to go the c-section route too.
One of the downfalls of "the business of being born" is how it polarizes birth experiences. It paints a picture that there is a right way and a wrong way to give birth. The truth is, the only "wrong" way is if the medical team isn't respecting the patient and is simply doing what they feel comfortable with (hence the reason it is important to find a good care team). Hence the reason I think Ricky Lake has done a grave disservice to women everywhere. The fact remains, as long as someone going through birth is able to work with their care team to have an experience where the patient is respected and the baby/babies are healthy, then giving birth is a success regardless of how you do it, be it a vaginal birth with low intervention at a birth center or a c-section in the OR.
@Cristy- I do read Belle's blog and took note of the family-friendly C-section practices. I have already emailed my doctor the video and she is willing to work with me and discuss possibly using some of the techniques (as long as things are going well). :-)
I'm so glad you read Belle's blog. I too was going to recommend it. :)
I'm sorry you won't be able to go the way of a vaginal birth, but in the end, it truly is about getting the baby home safe and sound (says a lady who did have a vaginal birth, sorry).
I definitely agree with Cristy on this. There is no right or wrong way of giving birth. I know we all have it set in our minds on the way we want everything to go, but how often do things in life work out exactly as we plan?
I had a c-section with my daughter because she was breech and sunny side up as they say. It wasn't a choice, but it wasn't all that bad either.
As long as you and your baby are healthy in the end, that is all that matters.
I think there are a lot of competing issues going on in the conversation about c-sections that can muddy your feelings about needing one for medical reasons. I believe the WHO estimates that something like 10-15% of women require a c-section. So when you hear all this negative talk about c-sections in this country, it SHOULD be aimed at the other 15-20% of c-sections that are presumably NOT medically necessary. It becomes such a loaded topic that people forget that a good chunk of people really do REQUIRE a c-section. And you fall into that category. So all this negativity and blah blah blah doesn't apply to you, because everything is about what's better for you. So yeah, there might be a couple drawbacks to a c-section, but in your case, there are way more drawbacks to not having a c-section. And, the nice thing about you knowing from the start that you have to have one is that you can plan for it, work with your doctors to figure out exactly how it's going to work, make your desires clear as far as when you'll get to see, hold, nurse the baby after, and so forth. I think a lot of women who don't know in advance that they'll need a c-section don't plan for those things and then it's easier for everything to get confusing afterward.
Your feelings are valid! It's too bad that you can't have the birth you would have picked. But the one you're going to end up having may turn out to be pretty great, too.
I was going to suggest Belle's blog as well. I'm so sorry you have to have a c-section. It really does suck and probably will until you're holding your little one in your arms. Hugs!
Christy made some excellent observations about the business of being born. That movie really rattled me in all the wrong ways (http://somispeaks.com/2010/07/15/midwives/) and I didn't gain any respect for Rikki Lake, that's for sure.
The thing about having children is nothing ever goes exactly as planned. For you, it starts with a c-section. For others, it's breastfeeding or baby isn't sleeping or baby hasn't started walking yet or or or. The list goes on. I think it's totally natural that you are disappointed you already know your original wishes cannot be met. But, you still have so much to work with ... and as others have suggested, you have time to figure it all out. I say, allow yourself to feel the disappointment about the things you cannot control, while at the same time, make your plans for the things that you can control ... and hopefully, both you and baby will come away from this birth in very good health.
I'm sorry this is so hard on you. Infertility already takes away so many choices -- when and how to conceive, for starters. Now the surgery has taken away yet another choice for you.
Hang in there. I hope you find a way to work with your doctor and make this a good overall experience.
I totally understand what you are saying. There is so much pressure for it to be a "certain way." And underlying that, what does it mean about us if things don't go "that way." What kind of woman are you?
What's stupid is, at the end, you will have your baby. And you will be a mother. That's what kind of woman you'll be.
In the end, the only thing that matters is that your baby arrives safely. But, I can really relate to this post. With twins, it is much more likely I will have to have a C-Section (especially since they are both currently breech and seem comfortable that way). I'm terrified of having a C-section, I'm terrified of the recovery. I am trying to come to terms with it and mentally prepare for it but still hoping these babies turn and give me a chance at vaginal birth.
I've seen many bloggers talk about this. I honestly don't think I would have cared either way. If you need to have it you do it. And that's ok. BUT if you think it will be an issue for you, you may want to talk to a counselor about it now. I think that can help reduce any additional postpartum stress that can lead to depression.
I've always wanted a natural birth with no epidural. My sister has set a great example of this with her 3 children and I wanted the same. Besides the fact that the thought of a c-section terrifies me. However, now that I am pregnant with twins, I am at least resigned to the idea of an epidural and I know a c-section is a definite possibility as well. I agree with the others, there is no right or wrong way when it comes to your health and the safely of your baby. Most important thing is that you both are healthy when it is all said and done. When you are holding that little one in your arms, none of the rest should matter. Who cares what everyone else thinks. This is about you and your family.
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