Still in shock

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.  

Your excited comments for someone that you only know over the interwebs blew me away.  I honestly couldn't have gotten through the past few years without you- and if I'm lucky I still have the rest of 2013 to go with this pregnancy so I hope you stick with me!!

Lest you think that the crazy thoughts go away once you hear that you are pregnant, only an hour after I got the beta results my cell phone started ringing and before I picked it up to look at the number, a thought flashed through my brain that it must be the clinic calling me to tell me that they switched my beta results with someone one else and that I wasn't pregnant.  Thankfully it was only our HVAC guy. (Yes I am insane)

Juuuuust to make sure I decided to go home to have a pee stick party after work!  I ended up testing three times- when I got home, right before going to bed, and then this morning.

Not sure why I can't seem to turn this but the bottom line is the control line, the top line is the yes, you are truly pregnant line.

Don't worry- I won't be posting any more pee sticks on the blog for this pregnancy.  I finally have proof and that's all I care about.  :-)

So, next step is tomorrow's beta test.  Here's hoping that my hCG levels double!!

Holy poop

Just got news from the clinic....I'm no longer PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)- 

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right.....after almost three years I can finally say that I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

Holy poop. Holy poop.  Holy poop.

Still in so much shock and shaking.  There are still a ton of hurdles, but today I am on cloud nine.  :-)

As far as my beta test went, any hCG level over 25 is considered pregnant.  My clinic likes to see anything over 100....as always I like to be an overachiever so my beta was 233.  I'm back into the clinic on Thursday to make sure that my hCG level is doubling.  I have a long road ahead, but for today, I can breathe a BIG sigh of relief- I now have proof that CP's sperm and my eggs can have a fertilization party and implant in my uterus!!

No wine and sushi for me tonight!!  (happy dance)

Back to logical thinking

Sorry for my freak-out of a post on Thursday, but that's what was going on in my head.  Friday wasn't much better.  After work I took Buster on a long walk and when I got back all I wanted to do was clean.  If you have been reading me for a while, the urge to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS is my number one sign of an impending period.  I never got that feeling during my three months on Lupron prior to my fibroid/endo surgery so it has to have something to do with my reproductive hormones.

So of course the fact that I wanted to CLEAN EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE had me convinced that the embryo is gone.  CP went to a work happy hour (which turned into a late and drunken night for him- I decided not to go because I couldn't drink anyway) while I cleaned, watched tv, and then finished the book "The Fault in Our Stars."  I ugly-cried through the last quarter of the book so my eyes were nice and puffy the next morning.

Then on Saturday it was like I was normal again.  My logical brain took hold and is back in control.  If the embryo did implant then I shouldn't be feeling anything right now anyways....so I went about my day as if everything was normal.  It actually made for a nice and relaxing Saturday and Sunday.  Today?  Today I'm still in the relaxed mode.  There is nothing I can do or say at this point.  The beta test tomorrow is going to either show that I'm pregnant or that I am not pregnant.  

But logical, sane me HATES the fact that I was freaking out on Thursday and Friday.  I hate that the period in between transfer and a pregnancy test turns me into a basket case at times.  I guess I should be thankful that I was only freaking out for two days as opposed the entire 10 days....

I'm bummed that CP left for CA yesterday afternoon on a last-minute work trip.  He is scheduled to come back tomorrow, but it all depends on if the emergency situation has been fixed or not.  Even if he is able to come back tomorrow, he gets in really late.  I'll either be passed out in bed, drunk off a bottle of wine and full of sushi, or unable to believe that the IVF really worked.  We'll see....

Happy ICLW week!

Welcome to everyone that is here from ICLW this week.

My name is Non Sequitur Chica and I'm currently in the middle of the two week wait from IVF #1.  Last Saturday we had a 5 day transfer of a perfect embryo.  At the beginning of the week I was hopeful that I would be able to stick to topics OTHER than infertility/IVF/etc. but man is my brain making it hard.

I haven't felt any different than usual so my brain yesterday (and continuing into today) has me convinced that the transfer didn't work.  I know that this is crazy talk because at this point I wouldn't be feeling anything, but my crazy brain thinks that if the embryo did implant that something, anything would feel different.  Where was a sharp, stabbing pain that other women have felt when their embryo most likely implanted?

So instead of trying to stay positive, I'm thinking of what I'm going to do Tuesday night after I get the bad beta results from my clinic.  What bottle of wine I'm going to polish off by myself (thank goodness I work from home the next day).  What meal I will have that I wouldn't have been able to eat if I had gotten pregnant (at this point sushi is winning).  What kind of email I am going to write to the few people we have told about the transfer telling them that it didn't work and that I don't want to talk about it.

Then after Tuesday night and until we are able to get back on the horse again for a frozen transfer of the one frozen embryo we have, how I'm going to buckle down and really get to exercising again.  How I will once again be able to help CP paint and finish our bedroom so that we can move all of the furniture and begin sleeping in there again.  How I will be able to drink at the upcoming Widespread Panic show.  How I won't have to make up an excuse as to why I'm not drinking with friends next week.

*sigh*

This week is dragging on.  Can it just be Tuesday already?

My promise to you

I'm going to make a bold statement today.  It is my hope that this is the last pregnancy/infertility post this week.  I have been bombarding you guys with these posts since this IVF cycle started and as I try to tell others, there is so much more going on in my life than trying to get pregnant.  My hope is that by not focusing on this little embryo inside me, I will do a better job of surviving the wait until my beta test.

My beta test, which is a fancy term for getting your blood drawn at the doctor's office to test for the level of hCG in your system (lower than 5mIU/ml is considered negative for pregnancy, anything above 25mIU/ml is considered positive), is scheduled for the morning of the 26th.  That's right, my clinic doesn't mess around with having a woman wait too long (thank goodness).  So my two week wait has been shortened down to only eight more days from today.  Woo hoo!

Other things that I need to get out of my system:

*My best friend doesn't quite know the IVF terminology yet.  She IM'ed me on Friday to ask when "planting" was.  LOL.  After I corrected her saying that it was called a "transfer", she said that she likes planting better and will call any of our future children "sprout."  Hey, at least she's trying!  :-)

*Friday I had my last acupuncture appointment before the transfer.  I had a different person and I wasn't a huge fan of her technique.  I think that she also had to put the needles in very intense points, so it made for a bit of an uncomfortable appointment.  Anyway, she noticed the bruises on my stomach from the injections and called them my "flowers."  Well, that's certainly a nicer way to put it!  Thankfully they are all almost gone except for one.

*On Friday night CP and I both joked that we should bring candles and romantic music for the transfer (we didn't).

*CP and I had the beginnings of an adoption conversation in the car ride in for the transfer on Saturday before I shut it down.  I was telling him that our clinic doesn't have great stats on the rates of live birth after IVF (It's in the high 30% range for a cycle.  It jumps up to mid 40% after a transfer.), while clinics such as CCRM in Colorado and another one in NJ have rates in the 60% range!  (Interested in finding the stats for your clinic?  Go here.) I told him that someone from my RESOLVE group decided that they were done with our clinic and has decided to go the highly-regarded NJ clinic.  He argued that maybe it's a sign that she needs to move on from IVF, possibly towards adoption.  I told him that some people really want a biological child, and I would include myself in that group.  He then countered that he thinks that it's selfish because there are lots of kids out there that need homes.  I then started to get angry and shut down the conversation because I didn't want to think about the alternative as I was heading in for the transfer.  Hopefully we don't need to continue this conversation....

*While waiting for the embryologist, we were given a small packet of things to read.  One of the pages gave tips on how to survive the two week wait.  CP was howling when reading the advice.  One of the tips was to try not to symptom spot (something that he is CONVINCED that I am going to do).  That is part of the reason why I don't want to post this week about the cycle.  Feeling a twinge or cramping or whatever could either mean that I am pregnant, that I'm just feeling a side effect of the progesterone, or that I'm gearing up for my period. I truly won't know until the 26th, so why make myself anxious over it?  I don't know what pregnancy feels like anyway because to my knowledge, I have never been pregnant.  This, of course, is my logical brain talking.  See me later in the week or this weekend when my emotional brain is going nuts.  ;-)

*When CP and I got home on Saturday he was pissed that he forgot to make the "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" joke after the embryos was transferred.  Dork.

*On Sunday I got a call from my clinic about the two other slower-growing embryos.  They were basically a half a day behind the one we transferred and the embryologist thought that we could probably freeze one of them.  Her guess was correct- the clinic was able to freeze only one of the embryos but hey, that's another shot at pregnancy if this one doesn't work out.  Or hopefully the one shot we need in two years!  

*That being said, it's weird to think that there is an embryo in my uterus right now.  The clinic gave us a printout of the embryo in my uterus (with a helpful arrow showing exactly which white spot was the embryo) and every time I pass by it in the kitchen, I smile.

*This is truly my first two week wait in ALMOST A YEAR (basically since my last IUI).  That's crazy!  Sure CP and I sort of timed sex around ovulation after we finally were in the same state again, but I didn't have any hope of it working so it wasn't a true 2ww.

*Before getting in the shower this morning I noticed that despite the threat of hiding the pregnancy tests, that CP didn't hide them after all!  While I was in the shower I thought that I could take a test now while the hCG trigger is still in my body so that I could finally see a positive pregnancy test.  But then I realized that seeing it may make me even more depressed if this cycle doesn't turn out the way we hope.

So that was my pregnancy/infertility word vomit for the week.  I'm amazed if you made it this far.  Tomorrow I promise a post on something completely different!!

Officially PUPO!!!

Transfer was nice and easy. After we were led back to the procedure room, the embryologist came in to let us know about the status of our embryos. Of the three, one was a 2AA, the best quality embryo you can have. The other two were taking a bit more time....they are about half a day behind. The embryologist guessed that we would probably be able to freeze at least one, but we won't know until tomorrow.

With such good news on the one embryo, it was an easy decision to only transfer one today. I sincerely want to thank all of you that commented on my post this past week AND the post back in January regarding how many embryos to transfer. :-)

There it is. That's the embryo currently hanging out in my body. CP keeps calling it "Baby (his name)."

I'm finally excited to be able to say that I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!

Today was my first time taking Valium and I do think it's a good idea that they prescribe it for the procedure. Before I took it I had a lot of nervous energy and I'm pretty sure CP was ready to kill me. The small dose of Valium calmed me down and even made me pass out on the car ride home. :-)

Since getting home I have watched a Law & Order SVU marathon and I'm currently watching "Tiny Furniture" the movie that won critical acclaim for Lena Dunham (creator and star of Girls). Meanwhile, CP was working hard on priming our bedroom ceiling and woodwork. Poor guy.

One final thing- my beta pregnancy test at the clinic is on the 26th, only 10 days away. I was telling CP that I wanted to test a day early just so that I could know ahead of time. He has threatened to take away all of my pregnancy tests and had the doctor come in to tell me that I should wait. Grrrrrr.

Transfer

In a few minutes, I'll be heading into the city with CP for my transfer.

I ate a light breakfast and drank some water as per the instructions from the clinic.  I'm supposed to come into the clinic with a full bladder because it makes it easier for the doctor to see the uterus on the ultrasound- hopefully I'm not in too much pain during the procedure!

I've got my lucky socks on today!  Cristy from Searching for Our Silver Lining does a sock swap every once in a while for those of us lucky ladies that spend far too much time in stirrups.  I was paired with Teresa from Where the *Bleep* Is Our Stork.   I not only love them because I am Irish and currently missing the awesome South Side parade, but because they just scream luck with the four leaf clovers!  She also included my absolute favorite kind of gloves/mittens!  Thanks Teresa!!

Holy crap do my legs need to see some sunlight.  I hope I didn't blind you!!

Once CP and I discuss with the embryologist our (hopefully) three strong embryos and sign off on the number to transfer (hopefully just one!), I get to enjoy life on Valium.  I guess it is so that I am nice and relaxed for what I have been told is a relatively easy procedure.

I'll rest for a few minutes at the clinic before heading home and then I'm on bed rest for the rest of Saturday and Sunday.

And here we go!!

Disappointed in my body

As I drove back from my acupuncture appointment yesterday, I thought about how I'm disappointed in my body.  Of course I am really disappointed in my weight as it is simply atrocious right now, but I take complete blame in that situation.  Eating too much and not exercising rarely lead to good things for me.

But this disappointment is different.  Despite literally being the youngest person in my middle school, high school, and college classes, I was always tall, strong, and athletic.  I have never broken a bone in my body.  Sure I got chicken pox and the occasional cold and flu, but I was a very healthy child.  In my first 31 years of life I had never been under general anesthesia or gone through surgery.  Now in the past three years I have had a cyst taken out of my back (unrelated to infertility), had a large fibroid and endometriosis removed, and now had an egg retrieval. 

Every time I go into the doctor and they ask how my heart, lungs, and other organs are doing I can tell them that I am fine.  I don't have asthma, I don't have diabetes, I don't have anything major wrong with me....except infertility.  My body is constantly surprising me as more and more comes up the further along we get in our infertility journey.

I'd like to think that because I am healthy otherwise that if I do get pregnant from IVF that I will have a healthy pregnancy....but as I am learning, I can't trust my body with anything having to do with my reproductive system.  For a person that can easily pick up sports and played in two Division 1 sports in college, this is a tough pill to swallow.  I'm a tough and strong chick- I even played professional women's football after college (I should really tell you guys about that some day).

Please body, if I am able to finally get pregnant after almost three years of trying, please don't disappoint me once more.

Rollercoaster ride

Going through an IVF fresh cycle is like going on a rollercoaster ride.

Injecting yourself with the stims is like the very beginning of the ride- you are looking forward to what is to come with anticipation and a bit of nervousness.  

The retrieval and the subsequent phone calls from the clinic telling you how many eggs were retrieved, how many eggs fertilized and then how they are doing can either leave you at the top of a high hill or at the bottom of a steep drop when you don't think that you can take anymore and just want to get the f*ck off the ride at that point.  This, of course, all depends on your expectations for the cycle and things completely out of your control.

After a bit of a low point yesterday when I found out that only 3 eggs fertilized out of the 11 retrieved, I'm back up at a high point because my call today brought great news!

All three eggs are doing well and I will be heading in for a 5 day transfer on Saturday!  Not only does this make me happy because it means that the embryos are doing well, but I don't have to take another day off of work this week (CP too) and figure out what to tell my boss!  This weekend can be all about the transfer and resting both Saturday and Sunday. 

At this point, CP and I have no idea how many embryos we will transfer.  We have discussed the possibility of putting two back to increase the odds of getting pregnant, but are also not super keen on having twins.  But with only three embryos and the possibility of embryos not surviving the thaw for a frozen transfer if this transfer on Saturday doesn't work.....well, we have a lot to think about.

Fertilization Report

Well, I just got the call from my clinic and I was hoping for better news.

Out of the 11 eggs, only 6 were mature enough to ICSI (technique used because of our male factor infertility).  (Not sure what ICSI is?  For a quick video on ICSI go here.)

Out of the 6 ICSI'ed eggs only 3 fertilized.

Obviously I am disappointed, but I have to keep in mind that we are currently still in the game.  I just have to keep hoping that the cells divide normally and that the call from the clinic tomorrow has good news.  There is nothing that I can do other than wait until tomorrow.

This is going to be a long 24 hours.

Retrieval update

Retrieval this morning was fairly painless- right now I'm just crampy.  I'm wondering if the pain is going to get worse as the day goes on as my anesthesia wears off? If it stays this way I should have an easy day working from home tomorrow. IVF warriors- does the pain get worse on day 2?

So my clinic kind of sucks because they neglected to tell me how many eggs they retrieved before I left! I was still a bit out of it, so I called the clinic on our way home but was told to call back after 1pm. Customer service at it's finest.

Anyway, the clinic ended up retrieving 11 eggs, a number I am quite happy with. I know that some of the eggs are probably not mature enough, but 11 gives me some wiggle room with maybe some of the eggs not fertilizing and/or having some poor quality eggs.

And now I veg out on the couch all day waiting for the clinic to call tomorrow between 11 and 3 (what are the odds they will make a timely phone call??) to  give me my fertilization report. Here's hoping CP had a good sample and there is a big fertilization party at the clinic tonight! Mama wants a 5 day transfer!

Retrieval tomorrow

So, the big retrieval for IVF #1 is tomorrow morning. Right now I am pretty calm, but I am also doing my best to not get worked up since I already have a headache and I don't want to take any Tylenol. 

CP went to my ultrasound Saturday morning which was a nice change of pace. I didn't get all of my follicle sizes, but the largest was 28 and the smallest was 15- a total of 7. That afternoon I got the call to trigger.

So last night I started mixing the HCG shot 10 minutes early (the nurse told me that it would be slower to mix than the Menopur). I was really nervous to have CP give me the shot and he actually started to get really annoyed with me! The nurse suggested that I lay down on the bed instead of standing up as I would be more relaxed in that position. It turns out I should have had CP give me all of my shots- I barely felt a thing! He definitely got a gold star last night. :-)

Today I woke up and couldn't really feel my ovaries so my irrational thought of the day was that my follicles went away. Yes I know that is insane and my logical brain (and CP) told me that I was just being crazy. Which, you know, is kind of true. But as the day wore on, I felt my ovaries more and more which is how it has been every day....

I have a red circle around one of my needle marks which makes me think 'infection' but I'm not too worried because I started antibiotics today. I didn't know this until yesterday, but in order to aspirate the follicles, the doctor will stick a needle through my vagina wall.  Ouch. No wonder I'm on bed rest for the rest of the day tomorrow and Tuesday! 

So in about an hour, I have to stop eating and drinking. I have a early wake up call so that I can shower and head down to the city for a 8:40am appointment (they want me there at 7am). The retrieval should take only 20 minutes, but I will take another hour or so to come out of anesthesia.  

Friday update

This morning I went in for another date with the dildo ultrasound and bloodwork.  All of my bloodwork is looking good.

Right ovary- 21.9mm, 17.0mm, 14.9mm, and 12.8mm.

Left ovary- 22.2mm, 21.4mm, 14.4mm, and 13.2mm.

My doctor wants one more night of stims and another ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow.  I will most likely trigger tomorrow night.

I'm probably looking at only retrieving 6 follicles which is disappointing.  BUT, I have to remember what I wrote just a few short weeks ago- this is a diagnostic cycle.

I should not get my hopes up on having a ton of follicles.

I should try to keep my jealousy to a minimum of my fellow RESOLVE support group member that is on the same day of stims as I am and currently had 18 (!) follicles as of Wednesday.  Maybe her follicles are not as large as mine.  She doesn't have the wonky hormones so that also makes a difference.

I will hope for a successful retrieval, for at least one or two of the follicles to fertilize so that I at least have something to transfer.

*sigh*

Quick update

This morning I went in for another monitoring appointment.

My bloodwork looks good and I have the following follicles:

Left ovary- 18.9mm, 16.8mm, 10.9mm, 10.5mm

Right ovary- 15.9mm, 11.9mm, 10.8mm, 8.5mm

I also have 5 unmeasurable follicles (aka less than 8mm).

The nurse said that I am getting close and to continue with the 375 units of Gonal f, 150 units of Menopur, and 5 units of Lupron for tonight and tomorrow night.  Next monitoring appointment is Friday.

I would like more than 8 follicles when I get to retrieval, but....there is nothing I can do about how many follicles I have and I have to keep reminding myself that this is a diagnostic cycle.

CP left today for Madison, WI.  He'll be there until Friday night.  The nurse did say that there is a small possibility that I would trigger on Friday night.  I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to trigger Friday night because I'm worried that CP won't get home in time to give me my shot!

Feeling good in the neighborhood

Feeling pretty good today- good enough to go to the gym this morning to walk briskly on an incline and do some light weights.  I may not be able (or desire) to do that later this week so it felt good.  Actually, while I was at the gym I desperately wanted to break out into a run on the treadmill, but had to hold myself back.  Then when I was in the weights area I felt the urge to do burpees.  I HATE burpees so that urge was rather confusing.  But looking at the other people at the gym made me jealous that I too couldn't punish my body and make it sore from a workout.  I ended up refraining from running and from burpees as I want to stay away from bouncing...but it was truly a weird feeling.  

I was also jealous that I couldn't drink on Saturday night when we had my parents and my aunt and uncle over for dinner.*  I'm not even that much of a drinker any more, but to not be allowed to drink while on stims made me feel like I was under 21 once again.  For the record, I ended up making a pineapple and mint flavored water drink (found on Pinterest) and pretended like I put vodka in it.  (Thanks for all of your suggestions- hopefully I will be using them after the transfer!)  

My belly is currently dotted with red dots and small bruises.  It's truly sexy.  I had bad cramps on Saturday and thought that it was possibly from my acupuncture appointment (she put needles in to flush out the rest of my period), but that amounted to nothing.  Other than that, no unusual aches or pains.  :-)

I went in for my first monitoring appointment today.  On my right side I have follicles measuring 14mm, 11mm, and 9mm.  On my left side I have follicles measuring 11mm and 8mm.  I also have 11 unmeasured because they are currently too small.  The doctor is hoping to get about 5-6 more from the 11 to grow big enough for retrieval (they need be ~18mm-20mm.)

I'm back into the stirrups on Weds to check on my progress.  For now I am continuing to inject 375 units of Gonal f, 150 units of Menopur, and 5 units of Lupron every night.

*For the record, I don't think that I will have much jealousy when/if I'm actually pregnant.  It's this pre-transfer time that I know in my brain that I am not pregnant so why can't I enjoy a glass of wine with everyone else?  But alas, I am a rule-follower and although one glass of wine probably wouldn't ruin this IVF cycle, why even risk it?