As I drove back from my acupuncture appointment yesterday, I thought about how I'm disappointed in my body. Of course I am really disappointed in my weight as it is simply atrocious right now, but I take complete blame in that situation. Eating too much and not exercising rarely lead to good things for me.
But this disappointment is different. Despite literally being the youngest person in my middle school, high school, and college classes, I was always tall, strong, and athletic. I have never broken a bone in my body. Sure I got chicken pox and the occasional cold and flu, but I was a very healthy child. In my first 31 years of life I had never been under general anesthesia or gone through surgery. Now in the past three years I have had a cyst taken out of my back (unrelated to infertility), had a large fibroid and endometriosis removed, and now had an egg retrieval.
Every time I go into the doctor and they ask how my heart, lungs, and other organs are doing I can tell them that I am fine. I don't have asthma, I don't have diabetes, I don't have anything major wrong with me....except infertility. My body is constantly surprising me as more and more comes up the further along we get in our infertility journey.
I'd like to think that because I am healthy otherwise that if I do get pregnant from IVF that I will have a healthy pregnancy....but as I am learning, I can't trust my body with anything having to do with my reproductive system. For a person that can easily pick up sports and played in two Division 1 sports in college, this is a tough pill to swallow. I'm a tough and strong chick- I even played professional women's football after college (I should really tell you guys about that some day).
Please body, if I am able to finally get pregnant after almost three years of trying, please don't disappoint me once more.
12 comments:
The human body is so incredibly complicated. Like you, I am a relatively healthy person. My weight was OK when I got pregnant and I had zero health issues that might complicate pregnancy. I did all the right things while I was pregnant and I still wound up with a premature baby at 31 weeks. Sometimes, it takes these personal trials to realize the lack of logic that comes with the human body. There are no guarantees.
Good luck! I am also healthy despite my infertility. Strange!
I have had a lot of the same fears myself. If there's one thing that infertility has taught me it's that nothing is guaranteed. I'm sure you will do everything possible to ensure you have a healthy pregnancy. Try not to worry too much about things which are out of your control :)
I know how you feel. It sucks to think that you are doing everything right and you should be perfectly healthy, and yet you can't do anything about your fertility.
Oh man... I just hope that, when you do finally get pregnant, your RE doesn't insist that you avoid exercise for the entire first trimester. I'm not even that athletic or anything, but I've been DYING having to sit or lie down all the time and not even be able to walk around the block, "just in case".
Ugh, I know. It's such a weird feeling to not trust your own body.If you asked me 5 years ago if I ever thought I would be here, I definitely would have said no way...I'm so healthy!
Good thoughts coming your way...Best of luck tomorrow!
Infertility doesn't label you as unhealthy, but I appreciate the feeling of betrayal. I rarely need to access any medical care until this past year, all of a sudden I've had multiple lab draws, ultrasounds procedure and I lost my surgery virginity
I think so many of us are in the same boat. Perfectly healthy but still dealing with infertility. I kind of had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I will be injecting a ton of meds in my otherwise healthy body. Who knows what the long term damage will be...
And yet, I'm a firm believer that my body will be able to handle the whole stress of an IVF a lot better simply because it is otherwise healthy. So I try to stay on top of it.
Good luck my dear!
I could have written this post. I am absolutely healthy. There is nothing wrong with me. Why can I not make a baby. I have never smoked, hardly drink, exercises regularly. What gives universe. I am so sorry chick, that you are feeling down.
I can sympathize with you as well, and I've learned that I just have to do the best I can to keep my body strong and healthy. I did have a period of feeling broken after my miscarriage, but I've realized that I can't dwell on these feelings of disappointment, inadequacy, etc., because they won't help me move forward towards my goal.
There's no reason to believe that your difficulties getting pregnant are any way related your ability to stay pregnant, so I'm going hope like mad that you have some good news for us in several days, and again and again for 9 months.
I know what you mean! I was a 3 sport athlete in high school, played one year of college softball, and then started coaching right after that. I very rarely will even take an Aleve or Tylenol, and yet I had no objection to injecting myself with all the fertility meds. We just never know what our bodies are going to endure, but I hope that you WILL get pregnant and have a very healthy pregnancy!
As someone that is drawn to anything athletic, I am very curious what sports you played in college?
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