Microblog Mondays

It's Monday but I'm still excited about the day! Yesterday I bought the Fitbit Charge HR and couldn't wait to wear it. Sadly my Nike Fuelband died months ago and I have lacked motivation to exercise (other than walking) since starting the meds for the frozen transfer and especially since the miscarriage. The last time I ran was January 17th for only 2 miles- YIKES!!

I would like to lose a little weight before I start fertility meds again as I am not really fitting into my jeans right now. :-( Tonight I plan on looking for a mid-May race so that I keep myself accountable.

Today it is forecasted to get up to 59 degrees here in Chicago (!) and armed with my new Fitbit I'm ready to burn some calories with a run with Buster during lunch (I'm working from home today). Wish me luck as I'm sure I will be walking a bunch!

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Almost Wordless Wednesday

My fearless little girl has started to sport some "war wounds" from all of her crazy activities. Thankfully the wounds fade quickly and don't seem to bother her. Hopefully she is learning from these incidents??

Cheek bruise

Forehead bruise and nose road rash

As long as these stay minor bumps and bruises I'm okay. I have never broken a bone in my body- it would be nice to be able to say that about Izzy as well!

Microblog Mondays

The Good and the Bad

Good

*My ultrasound and bloodwork went well on Friday. I have a thick lining (still 11mm) but the pregnancy is gone. My HCG has also dropped to 249. Thankfully this means no D&C is needed. I will likely get a period in the next 2-3 weeks and my consult appointment with my doctor is scheduled for mid-May.

*My nurse said I could start exercising again. Time to lose some weight before the next cycle!

*The bike trailer we ordered for Izzy came in this weekend! I got it half put together and still need to hook it up to a bike but yay!

*On Saturday I went on a house cleaning/spring cleaning tear while Izzy took her two hour nap. I went through piles of papers, packed up infant stuff, and cleaned. Our downstairs looks great and I feel much better. Now I have to find the time and energy to do it upstairs as well....

*I finally feel like I have some energy back after my miscarriage. I was so tired and lethargic for a good week.

*Our next door neighbors are giving us a plastic house/slide that they no longer use and want. Score! CP and I have been looking for one second-hand but a free one? Perfect.

*Last week Izzy came home on consecutive days with incident reports. The first day the group came in from outside and she had road rash on her cheek/nose. The daycare teachers said that they had no idea that she fell until they came inside which means she didn't even cry! Then the next day she came home with a goose egg on her forehead from running into a door. The teachers tell us that she is always trying to play with the big kids and is fearless. After this weekend, those two incidents don't surprise us. We had a bunch of park time this weekend even though it was a bit cold. Despite only going down a slide a few times, Izzy decided this weekend that she wanted to do it all herself- so she heads up the stairs and slides down on her belly, feet first. On one hand, I am proud that she is fearless, on the other hand I am of course worried that she is really going to hurt herself and give me a heart attack in the process!  

Bad

*I woke up this morning to snow on the ground- not the 1-2 inches I was promised but more (and it's still coming down!). Driving was a nightmare and I was late to work because I didn't catch my usual train. CP left early this morning for Mexico so when I get home I get to deal with the snow after Izzy goes to bed.

*While Izzy is otherwise awesome last week she decided to start going to bed later and later. Usually she had been going to bed around 7:30. Now it's more like 8:30- and on Saturday night it was 9pm! This is not okay- especially during the week because she wakes up at 6:30am so I will be trying to walk the bedtime back this week. Hopefully it's not too bad.

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Happy 4th birthday!

Buster patiently waiting for his birthday treat

Last Thursday was Buster's 4th birthday. 

Oh Buster. Having your birthday fall so close to my miscarriage reminded me of how much joy you brought into our childless (at the time- but not for lack of trying) family. I was so excited to bring you home and loved training you as a puppy.

Buster as a puppy

You have turned out to be such a loving and at the same time frustrating dog. You are the complete opposite of Koda- you love dogs but not tons of humans, you are fast and athletic, and you want to be pet by someone all the time. You love your human "friends" SO MUCH but you are not fans of strangers and bark a lot at them. Koda was so easy to walk because the worst thing she would do would be to pee (mark) a lot and want to sniff everything. You on the other hand are a great running partner and satisfied with getting a good fast-paced walk in with minimal stops. However, if you see another dog on a leash you go beserk. We took you to a reactive dog class after we first moved and do the best we can with what we learned but sometimes you are just too amped up which gets frustrating for us.

Best friends playing in the snow

I love that you love Izzy so much. From the moment we brought her home you were constantly licking her, telling us that you knew she was part of the family. You wouldn't leave my side during my maternity leave if she was in my arms and when she would cry (which thankfully wasn't often), you would look up at me as if to say, "why aren't you doing something? The midget is hurting!" You are very gentle taking toys in your mouth when she hands them to you and you allow her to give you kisses. But you know your boundaries and when she approaches your tail you smartly move away. You appreciate the fact that Izzy is such a messy eater and love cleaning up after her.

Your role in our family has certainly changed in the past 15+ months. We don't have as much time in general for you but we make sure that you get to doggie daycare (if we are at work) or a walk (over the weekends or if I am working from home) every day. I try to give you as much attention as I can but often times when Izzy is still awake and I only get an hour with her before bed I need to focus on her. 

Holding on to the last vestiges of winter 

Life is sure crazy these days but we are so glad that you are still with us, making Izzy laugh and giving us lots of love and kisses every day.

Love you buddy!

Physical vs Emotional

Physical

On Friday around 1pm I took my first dose of Misoprostol- 4 pills vaginally. After only 20-30 minutes I started to cramp so I took two Tylenol 3 and kept working from home. Around 3:30 the cramps were getting worse but no bleeding quite yet. Around 4pm I decided to stop working and lay on the couch as it was getting hard to focus. An hour later I took more pain pills and soon afterwards, I bled a little bit when I went to the bathroom. CP came home with Izzy and took her outside so that I could continue to lay on the couch. I tried to nap but when I would get close to falling asleep, a wave of cramping would hit and wake me up. That night I slept off and on, mostly with a heating pad on my stomach but there was minimal blood- mainly when I would get up to pee.

Saturday I called the answering service to ask if I should take another dose because nothing was really happening. The doctor said that I could take another one or wait until my appointment (Friday). I ended up taking another dose early Saturday afternoon and expecting a night of cramping once again. CP took Izzy most of the day but I was able to go outside and play with Izzy a bit. I was definitely more tired/exhausted than anything else. Without the same pain as the night before, I got a better sleep Saturday night.

Sunday I felt up to breakfast with our friends and pretty soon after that, the second dose started working. I bled heavily Sunday and all of yesterday so I am thinking that it worked? I guess we will find out on Friday.

Emotional

I expected to be more emotional about this miscarriage. Although the more I thought about it and the more that I compared myself to others, I knew that I had it better. First off, I already have Izzy. Just having her makes this so much easier because I can focus on her instead of thinking about the miscarriage. I also had an early miscarriage. If this pregnancy wasn't going to work out in the end anyway but I had to get pregnant, at least my body gave me warning signs so that I wouldn't be surprised. The low first beta, the low progesterone, etc. After the bad first ultrasound, I knew what was going to happen and cried then. It's easier not seeing the heartbeat or having a few ultrasounds where everything looks good to then be surprised with bad news.

I am sad that Izzy's embryo "twin" (I like to think that because they were retrieved during the same cycle) was not healthy enough to become Izzy's little brother or sister (my assumption). I am sad that I am now facing another fresh cycle with wonky hormones and eggs that are two years older than last time. I am sad that my eggs, my response to the drugs, etc. is unknown at this time. I am sad that we have to spend more money on drugs. I am sad that I have to put more drugs in my body. I am sad that we have to wait until my HCG goes down to 0 to start over again. I am sad that I can't just focus on having a healthy pregnancy and that we have to put more time and effort into our family building efforts.

But I have faith that it will be all worth it. 

Snippets

I know that most people in my life have no idea what is going on right now but I really wish that people would stop asking "how are you?" I of course lie and say "fine" but what I really want to say is "sh*tty as I have a non-viable pregnancy in my uterus right now." But that wouldn't be socially acceptable.

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Last night I felt a lot of cramping as I went to bed and throughout the night. I was convinced that I was going to start bleeding any time now today....but so far nothing. While it would be nice to have this happen naturally, today would have been THE WORST DAY to have it happen at the office because I had to run a two hour task force meeting, participate in a 1.5 hour videoconference, and meet with my boss' boss and a director. And that was just part of my day. Thankfully, my body has cooperated so far.

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Unfortunately, my HCG went up past 6000 as of Weds. So now even after I miscarry it is going to take just that much longer to head down to 0. *sigh*

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Tonight I am having dinner with two of my good girl friends from my time in law school. They are both part of the couples that we vacation with every year- and will be doing so again in August. Part of our worry about scheduling the week long vacation in August was that one of the women and I both were hoping to be pregnant early this year. You guys obviously know how that is currently working out for me...so far no word on whether my friend who gets pregnant if her husband sneezes on her will show up knocked up to this dinner (she is in from out of town). I just know that both of my friends are going to ask how it is going with us. The friend that lives here in Chicago CP and I saw the day we found out I was pregnant from the frozen transfer...but because we weren't ready to tell anyone I lied and said that it wasn't going well. But tonight if asked I am going to have a to be honest because we are scheduled to go out to dinner Saturday night as couples and after taking Misoprostol tomorrow, I am thinking that I may not be up for dinner with everyone....

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I have no idea what to think about tomorrow. I'm wondering if because I had crazy heavy periods before my fibroid/endo surgery if it will be similar to that just more emotional?

More of the same

As expected, the ultrasound didn't go well today. The ultrasound technician possibly found the yolk sac, but that's it. She was really sweet- putting her hand on my knee and telling me that she was sorry but she wasn't finding the embryo. It was much better than last week's technician. I understand that it is a pretty shitty part of your job but staying silent through an exam (as Friday's tech did) and not telling me what is going on is not helpful.

Afterwards I met with the nurse and she said that most likely my doctor is going to want me to continue my meds and come back next week if things haven't happened naturally by then. I pushed back on that because I have now run out of two of my meds and if there is no hope then why waste money getting refills? Then the conversation became a little awkward because essentially, I have to schedule my miscarriage fairly soon. CP leaves on the 23rd for Mexico and will be gone all week. Neither of us have any confidence that this is a viable pregnancy and would like to try again as soon as we are able to. That means we are not wanting to wait around while my HCG levels potentially keep rising for another week. That also means that if I am going to take Misoprostol that he needs to be in town in case I have to go to the ER from too much blood loss (something that the nurse warned about- basically if you soak through more than one pad in an hour) and to take care of Izzy. Currently I am waiting for the nurse to call me back with my HCG level and next steps.

Emotionally, I think that I am doing okay. I doubt I will stay this way once I start bleeding but for now, I am in a little bubble. I currently don't feel pregnant which helps me pretend that all is well and everything is normal. 

Microblog Mondays

After my ultrasound and the bad news from the nurse on Friday, I was bitter. I wanted to drink some wine. I wanted to have some sushi. I wanted to go on a run to punish my body. Instead I ended up eating pizza and getting a stomachache because I ate three pieces.

I was bitter that I wanted to wallow on the couch instead of going to my monthly Bunco game with friends. It pissed me off that I was safer on my couch instead of with friends who would definitely ask why I wasn't drinking.

I was bitter when I had to put the patches on my body. I was bitter when I had to shove Crinone and Estrace into me. I was bitter when I had to swallow the other drugs. What is the point? I'm just throwing away money when I should probably be saving these drugs for my next cycle.

I was bitter on Saturday when we stupidly took Izzy to the children's museum where approximately 50% of the women were pregnant. I was also bitter when I got a haircut but couldn't get my roots done.

And I am bitter today that I have to wait until Wednesday to hear the same news that I heard on Friday- that this pregnancy is not viable. I just want to know next steps. I just want this to be over.



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More bad news

The nurse called while I was in Izzy's 15 month appointment so I didn't get to ask as many questions I  would have liked, but she didn't have any good news. I was actually a day off so I'm supposedly 6 weeks along. By now they should have seen a yolk sac, not just the gestational sac. Not to mention measuring almost a week behind where I should be. In addition, they tested my Hcg level and it was only 2000- it should be around 6000 by now.

I asked for a percentage of how many pregnancies like mine turn around which she wouldn't give me (I assume because the number is basically 0). If I don't start bleeding before then I will likely have another ultrasound on Weds which will just affirm that this is not a viable pregnancy.

Not so shocked with this news but definitely heartbroken for so many reasons. I'm trying to hold off really thinking about it/crying too much until Izzy goes to bed. I was supposed to go to my monthly Bunco night tonight but I don't feel  up to socializing with women that all have at least two kids and (as far as I know) no fertility problems.

Tonight I am especially thankful of Izzy in my life. She truly is a miracle.

Not good news

I'm not going to sugar coat my ultrasound appointment today. The ultrasound technician was fairly quiet today, but I could tell that the appointment wasn't going well. After I got dressed I watched over her shoulder as she typed notes into their system- they only found the gestational sac. No yolk sac detected on scan. Currently the sac is measuring 5w2d which is 4 days behind (today I am 5w6d). In contrast with Izzy at my first ultrasound the technician found the gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and heartbeat- and this was at 5w5d.

I haven't had confidence in this pregnancy from the start. I certainly don't have confidence in this pregnancy now. Hopefully the nurse calls soon so that I can ask her the chances of this pregnancy being a viable one.

F*ck.

15 Months!

Height: 2'8"

Weight: 25 pounds, 2 ounces

Milestones: She has become a much better walker this month. She has figured out that she needs to push us away from the counters when we are in the kitchen in order to get in front of us to then put her arms up to pick her up. She also does a better job around Buster- she will walk away or turn away when he rushes in the door. She LOVES watching him go outside by himself and then watching as he runs in the door.

She loves to help you do anything (bringing over her shoes every morning so that we can help her put them on, dragging out the step stool that we bought her for the bathroom, closing doors and cabinets, etc.). Her new favorite thing is helping me pull my jacket zipper down and then throw open my coat when we get home every night. Ha ha.

My adorable little fox

Language: Izzy continues to use her signs and understands tons of words. We are working on the "bathroom" sign when we change her diaper and when we sit her down on her new potty. She understands when we ask her to "bring the ball to Daddy" or when we tell her to "sit down" in the bath. Recently her new words (because she doesn't have that many- so maybe I should just call them sounds) have been animal noises. She can imitate noises for chickens, cows, monkeys, horses, and dogs. However, her dog noise is more like her imitating Buster's panting. LOL.

Checking out all of the snow

Personality: Izzy is getting better at the shape sorter toy she has but I definitely notice that she gets frustrated easily when she can't fit the pieces into their holes. She can get the circle almost every time but after not being able to put a few shapes in their slots, she would rather empty out the circles and put them in their holes over and over again instead of trying the harder shapes. We need to teach this girl some persistence!

She still loves to give tons of hugs and kisses to us, her stuffed animals, various animals in books, etc. She seriously loves animals. Most of the time she is interested in Buster, wants to give him kisses/his toys/etc. but if she is cranky and his tail hits her in the face she is likely to fall on the ground and start crying.

She loves any game that has her flying in the air or falling (with us catching her of course).

Teeth: I think that she still has 12 teeth...two of her molars on the top of her mouth have the sides that have poked through but are still working on the inside of the molar to come down. I suspect that is a bit painful for her.

Favorite Toy: Izzy's new favorite game is to use the ottoman in our living room to jump into our arms. My parents were over two weeks ago and she must have climbed up on the ottoman and jumped into our arms 50 times that night. It was hilarious- and quite a workout for her!

Sleeping Habits: Izzy has continued to be a good sleeper but has been waking up a little earlier than normal....like 6 or 6:30 on her own. We aren't sure why but hope that she heads back towards the 7am hour soon.... Last year we were wondering why all the parents on Facebook cursed the time change...I think that Izzy was too young to have it affect her. I worry for the upcoming time change and how early she is going to want to get up....

Eating:  Izzy continues to love every fruit that is put in front of her and devoured the blackberries that we bought this month. Her favorite seems to be switching from bananas to grapes, but really either one makes her happy. We are trying to make sure that she gets enough veggies as well but some of the more recent homemade meals have been pushed away (spaghetti squash with mushroom sauce, pureed parsnips and carrots, etc). I don't really want to hide veggies in her meals but I may start doing that soon. She loves rice and beans, pasta and sauce, eggs, avocados, baba ganoush, applesauce, and licking jam or peanut butter off bread/english muffins/etc. We continue to try to expand her eating horizons.

Watching the Superbowl and eating homemade wings for the first time

Diapers: Seventh Generation Size 4 diapers during the day and Pampers Overnight Size 4 before she goes to sleep.

Clothes:  18 month outfits and a couple of 2T shirts (Target shirts seem to run small).

Canadian tuxedo

Illness: The usual daycare colds. Her first ER visit. Unfortunately she has had a low grade fever a couple of times the past two weeks. I'm looking forward to spring!

I love to brush my teeth! (weirdo)

Other highlights: We had some leftover iTunes gift cards from Christmas so we decided to purchase a few movies for Izzy. I'm not sure why but we decided to buy Frozen as the first one so we watched a little bit of it with Izzy. Because she currently gets no screen time either on the tv or the ipad, she was only sort of interested. She liked the few parts that had animals (we only watched about 30 minutes of it and most of the time Izzy was playing and not paying attention). We also downloaded Finding Nemo which kept her attention much more because there were FISH!

First time watching a movie

Anxious Day

In the shower this morning I convinced myself that when I get to the ultrasound on Friday, we will see nothing. Not just nothing because it is too early but because this pregnancy wasn't sustainable. I don't have any actual basis for this other than I am having no symptoms of this pregnancy. Sure I was crying a lot last week but my tears over random things have stopped. I had some cramping last week, but that also has gone away. I'm very tired but that could just be the progesterone. My boobs aren't even sore. I didn't have a lot of symptoms with Izzy in the first trimester either- but my boobs were DEFINITELY sore. 

Today I am 5 weeks, 4 days. With Izzy at 5 weeks, 5 days we saw the fetal pole, gestational sac, yolk sac, and even the heartbeat.  With my lower beta numbers I don't expect to see all of that on Friday (at 5 weeks, 6 days), but am truly worried that we will see nothing at all. I am on what feels like 10 different kinds of progesterone so if there is something wrong the drugs are likely just delaying the inevitable. A thought I had when walking from the train this morning is thinking about who I will contact to ask about miscarriage options. WTF.

I truly sound morbid today. I have no reason to freak out but I am doing it anyway. I guess I blame the not as stellar beta numbers this time around, even though there are potentially valid reasons as to why they started out lower and didn't quite double. Can 11:30 on Friday get here faster please?????

Barcelona trip in pictures

Oh man I can't believe I am just now getting to posting the pictures from our Barcelona trip that we took *cough cough* over Christmas break. Whoops. Well, today I just have pictures for you. We took a lot of them, but a lot of them also have me and CP in them....so here are some that I can show you....

Izzy enjoying Spanish sausage

Izzy saying hi to the penguin at the science center

Izzy mesmerized by the fish at the science center

What a fantastic idea for a restaurant- mini sandwiches/bites that you pay per skewer. Yum!

Meat cones

Lunch with a view

Inside Sangra Familia

Izzy walking inside Sangra Familia

Outside of La Sangra Familia

View of Barcelona

At the La Boqueria Market

Cava tour at Freixenet

Heading up to Montserrat

Learning how to walk in Barcelona!

Hotel room view

Izzy's nap location every day- sorry kiddo!

Phallic-shaped office building that lights up at night

Waffle topped with chocolate, caramel, and nuts. It. Was. Amazing.

Old hospital that had a light show 

Izzy drank too much on the cava tour

Business class baller on the way to Europe

Telling one of the Three Kings what she wanted

Mercat del Encants