Physical
On Friday around 1pm I took my first dose of Misoprostol- 4 pills vaginally. After only 20-30 minutes I started to cramp so I took two Tylenol 3 and kept working from home. Around 3:30 the cramps were getting worse but no bleeding quite yet. Around 4pm I decided to stop working and lay on the couch as it was getting hard to focus. An hour later I took more pain pills and soon afterwards, I bled a little bit when I went to the bathroom. CP came home with Izzy and took her outside so that I could continue to lay on the couch. I tried to nap but when I would get close to falling asleep, a wave of cramping would hit and wake me up. That night I slept off and on, mostly with a heating pad on my stomach but there was minimal blood- mainly when I would get up to pee.
Saturday I called the answering service to ask if I should take another dose because nothing was really happening. The doctor said that I could take another one or wait until my appointment (Friday). I ended up taking another dose early Saturday afternoon and expecting a night of cramping once again. CP took Izzy most of the day but I was able to go outside and play with Izzy a bit. I was definitely more tired/exhausted than anything else. Without the same pain as the night before, I got a better sleep Saturday night.
Sunday I felt up to breakfast with our friends and pretty soon after that, the second dose started working. I bled heavily Sunday and all of yesterday so I am thinking that it worked? I guess we will find out on Friday.
Emotional
I expected to be more emotional about this miscarriage. Although the more I thought about it and the more that I compared myself to others, I knew that I had it better. First off, I already have Izzy. Just having her makes this so much easier because I can focus on her instead of thinking about the miscarriage. I also had an early miscarriage. If this pregnancy wasn't going to work out in the end anyway but I had to get pregnant, at least my body gave me warning signs so that I wouldn't be surprised. The low first beta, the low progesterone, etc. After the bad first ultrasound, I knew what was going to happen and cried then. It's easier not seeing the heartbeat or having a few ultrasounds where everything looks good to then be surprised with bad news.
I am sad that Izzy's embryo "twin" (I like to think that because they were retrieved during the same cycle) was not healthy enough to become Izzy's little brother or sister (my assumption). I am sad that I am now facing another fresh cycle with wonky hormones and eggs that are two years older than last time. I am sad that my eggs, my response to the drugs, etc. is unknown at this time. I am sad that we have to spend more money on drugs. I am sad that I have to put more drugs in my body. I am sad that we have to wait until my HCG goes down to 0 to start over again. I am sad that I can't just focus on having a healthy pregnancy and that we have to put more time and effort into our family building efforts.
But I have faith that it will be all worth it.
7 comments:
I am glad it's over for now. I can also totally relate on how you handled the miscarriage. I had very similar feelings going through mine and I do believe Izzy will have a brother or sister.
I had similar feelings after my chemical pregnancy...I was glad it ended early rather than going through the agony of seeing a heartbeat and having it taken away later. Onwards and upwards, right?
I am sad about all those things too, but so impressed with your overall good attitude. So much love to you. I hope you get your baby soon. Xo.
I'm so sorry. And I agree, having a child already I think helps the process a little. My chemical pregnancy after my daughter would've been 50 times harder without her.
Thinking of you, hope the beta comes down quickly so you can get started.
I had similiar feelings during my second miscarriage. I couldn't shake the bad feelings I had from the start and as soon as I saw that the gestational sac was measuring 4 days behind, I knew the pregnancy was likely to be non-viable and I just wanted to move forward as soon as I could. I was happy that I had two blasts from that cycle, which I thought represented a better chance for pregnancy.
I'm glad things are moving along, both emotionally and physically. I'm sure you'll go through cycles of up and down about all this. And I'm sure your daughter will provide you so much comfort. At least I hope she does.
Abiding with you.
Hey, long time no talk. I am sorry to see that things have been rough, but I think your first pregnancy is a true testament to how tough and incredible you are.
You'll get through this, this time with Izzy by your side.
Hope all is well otherwise :)
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