Microblog Mondays

The Good and the Bad

Good

*My ultrasound and bloodwork went well on Friday. I have a thick lining (still 11mm) but the pregnancy is gone. My HCG has also dropped to 249. Thankfully this means no D&C is needed. I will likely get a period in the next 2-3 weeks and my consult appointment with my doctor is scheduled for mid-May.

*My nurse said I could start exercising again. Time to lose some weight before the next cycle!

*The bike trailer we ordered for Izzy came in this weekend! I got it half put together and still need to hook it up to a bike but yay!

*On Saturday I went on a house cleaning/spring cleaning tear while Izzy took her two hour nap. I went through piles of papers, packed up infant stuff, and cleaned. Our downstairs looks great and I feel much better. Now I have to find the time and energy to do it upstairs as well....

*I finally feel like I have some energy back after my miscarriage. I was so tired and lethargic for a good week.

*Our next door neighbors are giving us a plastic house/slide that they no longer use and want. Score! CP and I have been looking for one second-hand but a free one? Perfect.

*Last week Izzy came home on consecutive days with incident reports. The first day the group came in from outside and she had road rash on her cheek/nose. The daycare teachers said that they had no idea that she fell until they came inside which means she didn't even cry! Then the next day she came home with a goose egg on her forehead from running into a door. The teachers tell us that she is always trying to play with the big kids and is fearless. After this weekend, those two incidents don't surprise us. We had a bunch of park time this weekend even though it was a bit cold. Despite only going down a slide a few times, Izzy decided this weekend that she wanted to do it all herself- so she heads up the stairs and slides down on her belly, feet first. On one hand, I am proud that she is fearless, on the other hand I am of course worried that she is really going to hurt herself and give me a heart attack in the process!  

Bad

*I woke up this morning to snow on the ground- not the 1-2 inches I was promised but more (and it's still coming down!). Driving was a nightmare and I was late to work because I didn't catch my usual train. CP left early this morning for Mexico so when I get home I get to deal with the snow after Izzy goes to bed.

*While Izzy is otherwise awesome last week she decided to start going to bed later and later. Usually she had been going to bed around 7:30. Now it's more like 8:30- and on Saturday night it was 9pm! This is not okay- especially during the week because she wakes up at 6:30am so I will be trying to walk the bedtime back this week. Hopefully it's not too bad.

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Physical vs Emotional

Physical

On Friday around 1pm I took my first dose of Misoprostol- 4 pills vaginally. After only 20-30 minutes I started to cramp so I took two Tylenol 3 and kept working from home. Around 3:30 the cramps were getting worse but no bleeding quite yet. Around 4pm I decided to stop working and lay on the couch as it was getting hard to focus. An hour later I took more pain pills and soon afterwards, I bled a little bit when I went to the bathroom. CP came home with Izzy and took her outside so that I could continue to lay on the couch. I tried to nap but when I would get close to falling asleep, a wave of cramping would hit and wake me up. That night I slept off and on, mostly with a heating pad on my stomach but there was minimal blood- mainly when I would get up to pee.

Saturday I called the answering service to ask if I should take another dose because nothing was really happening. The doctor said that I could take another one or wait until my appointment (Friday). I ended up taking another dose early Saturday afternoon and expecting a night of cramping once again. CP took Izzy most of the day but I was able to go outside and play with Izzy a bit. I was definitely more tired/exhausted than anything else. Without the same pain as the night before, I got a better sleep Saturday night.

Sunday I felt up to breakfast with our friends and pretty soon after that, the second dose started working. I bled heavily Sunday and all of yesterday so I am thinking that it worked? I guess we will find out on Friday.

Emotional

I expected to be more emotional about this miscarriage. Although the more I thought about it and the more that I compared myself to others, I knew that I had it better. First off, I already have Izzy. Just having her makes this so much easier because I can focus on her instead of thinking about the miscarriage. I also had an early miscarriage. If this pregnancy wasn't going to work out in the end anyway but I had to get pregnant, at least my body gave me warning signs so that I wouldn't be surprised. The low first beta, the low progesterone, etc. After the bad first ultrasound, I knew what was going to happen and cried then. It's easier not seeing the heartbeat or having a few ultrasounds where everything looks good to then be surprised with bad news.

I am sad that Izzy's embryo "twin" (I like to think that because they were retrieved during the same cycle) was not healthy enough to become Izzy's little brother or sister (my assumption). I am sad that I am now facing another fresh cycle with wonky hormones and eggs that are two years older than last time. I am sad that my eggs, my response to the drugs, etc. is unknown at this time. I am sad that we have to spend more money on drugs. I am sad that I have to put more drugs in my body. I am sad that we have to wait until my HCG goes down to 0 to start over again. I am sad that I can't just focus on having a healthy pregnancy and that we have to put more time and effort into our family building efforts.

But I have faith that it will be all worth it. 

Snippets

I know that most people in my life have no idea what is going on right now but I really wish that people would stop asking "how are you?" I of course lie and say "fine" but what I really want to say is "sh*tty as I have a non-viable pregnancy in my uterus right now." But that wouldn't be socially acceptable.

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Last night I felt a lot of cramping as I went to bed and throughout the night. I was convinced that I was going to start bleeding any time now today....but so far nothing. While it would be nice to have this happen naturally, today would have been THE WORST DAY to have it happen at the office because I had to run a two hour task force meeting, participate in a 1.5 hour videoconference, and meet with my boss' boss and a director. And that was just part of my day. Thankfully, my body has cooperated so far.

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Unfortunately, my HCG went up past 6000 as of Weds. So now even after I miscarry it is going to take just that much longer to head down to 0. *sigh*

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Tonight I am having dinner with two of my good girl friends from my time in law school. They are both part of the couples that we vacation with every year- and will be doing so again in August. Part of our worry about scheduling the week long vacation in August was that one of the women and I both were hoping to be pregnant early this year. You guys obviously know how that is currently working out for me...so far no word on whether my friend who gets pregnant if her husband sneezes on her will show up knocked up to this dinner (she is in from out of town). I just know that both of my friends are going to ask how it is going with us. The friend that lives here in Chicago CP and I saw the day we found out I was pregnant from the frozen transfer...but because we weren't ready to tell anyone I lied and said that it wasn't going well. But tonight if asked I am going to have a to be honest because we are scheduled to go out to dinner Saturday night as couples and after taking Misoprostol tomorrow, I am thinking that I may not be up for dinner with everyone....

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I have no idea what to think about tomorrow. I'm wondering if because I had crazy heavy periods before my fibroid/endo surgery if it will be similar to that just more emotional?

More of the same

As expected, the ultrasound didn't go well today. The ultrasound technician possibly found the yolk sac, but that's it. She was really sweet- putting her hand on my knee and telling me that she was sorry but she wasn't finding the embryo. It was much better than last week's technician. I understand that it is a pretty shitty part of your job but staying silent through an exam (as Friday's tech did) and not telling me what is going on is not helpful.

Afterwards I met with the nurse and she said that most likely my doctor is going to want me to continue my meds and come back next week if things haven't happened naturally by then. I pushed back on that because I have now run out of two of my meds and if there is no hope then why waste money getting refills? Then the conversation became a little awkward because essentially, I have to schedule my miscarriage fairly soon. CP leaves on the 23rd for Mexico and will be gone all week. Neither of us have any confidence that this is a viable pregnancy and would like to try again as soon as we are able to. That means we are not wanting to wait around while my HCG levels potentially keep rising for another week. That also means that if I am going to take Misoprostol that he needs to be in town in case I have to go to the ER from too much blood loss (something that the nurse warned about- basically if you soak through more than one pad in an hour) and to take care of Izzy. Currently I am waiting for the nurse to call me back with my HCG level and next steps.

Emotionally, I think that I am doing okay. I doubt I will stay this way once I start bleeding but for now, I am in a little bubble. I currently don't feel pregnant which helps me pretend that all is well and everything is normal. 

Microblog Mondays

After my ultrasound and the bad news from the nurse on Friday, I was bitter. I wanted to drink some wine. I wanted to have some sushi. I wanted to go on a run to punish my body. Instead I ended up eating pizza and getting a stomachache because I ate three pieces.

I was bitter that I wanted to wallow on the couch instead of going to my monthly Bunco game with friends. It pissed me off that I was safer on my couch instead of with friends who would definitely ask why I wasn't drinking.

I was bitter when I had to put the patches on my body. I was bitter when I had to shove Crinone and Estrace into me. I was bitter when I had to swallow the other drugs. What is the point? I'm just throwing away money when I should probably be saving these drugs for my next cycle.

I was bitter on Saturday when we stupidly took Izzy to the children's museum where approximately 50% of the women were pregnant. I was also bitter when I got a haircut but couldn't get my roots done.

And I am bitter today that I have to wait until Wednesday to hear the same news that I heard on Friday- that this pregnancy is not viable. I just want to know next steps. I just want this to be over.



Want to read more Microblog Mondays? Go here.

Not good news

I'm not going to sugar coat my ultrasound appointment today. The ultrasound technician was fairly quiet today, but I could tell that the appointment wasn't going well. After I got dressed I watched over her shoulder as she typed notes into their system- they only found the gestational sac. No yolk sac detected on scan. Currently the sac is measuring 5w2d which is 4 days behind (today I am 5w6d). In contrast with Izzy at my first ultrasound the technician found the gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and heartbeat- and this was at 5w5d.

I haven't had confidence in this pregnancy from the start. I certainly don't have confidence in this pregnancy now. Hopefully the nurse calls soon so that I can ask her the chances of this pregnancy being a viable one.

F*ck.

Anxious Day

In the shower this morning I convinced myself that when I get to the ultrasound on Friday, we will see nothing. Not just nothing because it is too early but because this pregnancy wasn't sustainable. I don't have any actual basis for this other than I am having no symptoms of this pregnancy. Sure I was crying a lot last week but my tears over random things have stopped. I had some cramping last week, but that also has gone away. I'm very tired but that could just be the progesterone. My boobs aren't even sore. I didn't have a lot of symptoms with Izzy in the first trimester either- but my boobs were DEFINITELY sore. 

Today I am 5 weeks, 4 days. With Izzy at 5 weeks, 5 days we saw the fetal pole, gestational sac, yolk sac, and even the heartbeat.  With my lower beta numbers I don't expect to see all of that on Friday (at 5 weeks, 6 days), but am truly worried that we will see nothing at all. I am on what feels like 10 different kinds of progesterone so if there is something wrong the drugs are likely just delaying the inevitable. A thought I had when walking from the train this morning is thinking about who I will contact to ask about miscarriage options. WTF.

I truly sound morbid today. I have no reason to freak out but I am doing it anyway. I guess I blame the not as stellar beta numbers this time around, even though there are potentially valid reasons as to why they started out lower and didn't quite double. Can 11:30 on Friday get here faster please?????

Third beta and first ER visit

I definitely have pregnancy hormones coursing through my body. I seem to cry at everything- short videos on Facebook, finding out the dog on Downton Abbey has cancer, etc. Thank goodness CP has been out of town the past few nights for work...I don't have to try to explain why I am crying to anyone (other than Buster). :-)

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Today, my third beta came back at 249. In order to completely double it should have been 264 (CP gave me the wrong number on Weds- it was 132 not 135). My doctor's office doesn't seem worried so I won't be as well. My progesterone was up to 24 so that's good news as I am no longer at the minimum. My first ultrasound will be next Friday. My doctor wants to check out the placement of the embryo. 

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Two nights ago I made my first trip to the ER. Izzy's lips had turned blue and her cheeks purple twice in one night so after calling the doctor's office and being advised by the nurse to go to the ER, I packed Izzy up and drove on snowy, slick roads to the ER. Izzy spiked a fever while we were there and I learned that ER rooms are not for curious toddlers that want to play/touch with everything in the room. She was somewhat interested in the free movie that I found on the tv- The Nut Job- an animated movie with squirrels and a dog- and refused to sleep. 

Curious Izzy

We ultimately spent almost four hours there without figuring out what happened or what was wrong. We finally got home and in our beds around 11:30. I realized that I didn't eat dinner so I ate a granola bar before going to sleep. In my follow up appointment the next day with Izzy's pediatrician she said that if it happens again, check her tongue. If her tongue is pink, she is fine. If it is discolored, take her to the ER.

Hoping that it will be a while before another ER visit!

Second beta results

I won't keep you in suspense- my beta level was 135 this morning- a bit higher than the 110 it needed to be. What a relief! Also, my progesterone number is up to 15 which was the minimum that my RE wanted to see. Perhaps it will rise a bit on Friday (my RE wants me to go back for bloodwork again) once I have taken Prometrium for a few more days?

One hurdle down...so many more to go....

Welcome ICLW readers!

I haven't done ICLW in a very long time but decided to sign up this month on a whim. 

For those that are new to this space, I am Non Sequitur Chica (NSC for short). The rest of the crew is made up of my husband, CP, my 15 month old daughter, Izzy, and our Bernese Mountain Dog, Buster. After three years of TTC- which included surgery for fibroids/endo, 3 IUIs, and then IVF- our daughter was born. My husband and I are a bit older so we decided to try for #2 sooner rather than later so we did a frozen transfer of the one frozen embryo on February 12th and I found out that I was pregnant on Sunday!

My beta yesterday came back at 55 which made me a bit nervous, but I decided to take another pregnancy test this morning to see if the line was getting darker.

Sunday test

Tues test

It's hard to tell if the line is much darker in the second test, but I took the pictures in two different bathrooms so the lighting might be off?

The two tests together

Clearly in this picture the Tuesday test is darker but this picture was taken more than 10 minutes after I took the test so I don't know if the line is valid or not.

I was hoping that taking this test would make me feel a little better, but there is nothing that I can do so I am going to try not to worry about it. With my HCG at 55 we are just hoping for at least 110 tomorrow morning...and that is not a lot so the line would likely not look too different. I just keep remembering the dark lines from when I was pregnant with Izzy (when my HCG was over 200 on my first beta) and can't expect that with this smaller beta number.

Today, I am pregnant. Tomorrow, I hope for good news.

Microblog Mondays

Today I feel like I am walking around with a delicious secret that no one knows about except me, CP, and my parents (and soon, my RE). It's a great feeling and I hope that my positive thoughts continue as the first trimester can be so tough. My first hurdle of course? The results of my beta test this morning, which I should get sometime this afternoon. I'm crossing my fingers that I get a good number so that I can breathe my second sigh of relief! I decided not to test today to see if the line was getting darker but now I am sort of kicking myself as I sit here at work....



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*******************************************UPDATED********************************************

Wow that was fast. I already got a call from my RE with the bloodwork results. My beta number was 55. Over 25 is pregnant, but they like to see over 100. The nurse did say that frozen transfers can implant later and if it implanted even a day after predicted that that would be a totally normal number. So I am trying not to freak out about this (my beta with Izzy was over 200). The other problem is my progesterone level is really low, so I will be starting another medicine, Prometrium, tonight to try to boost my levels. The nurse warned me that I could feel dizzy up to 12 hours after taking Prometrium so I should go to bed soon after taking the medicine. Not quite an ideal situation when CP leaves later this week for a work trip and I'm the only one home with Izzy.

I'm now trying to stay positive...a feeling I just had not 10 minutes ago....but now I'm worried.

My morning started with this

This morning I woke up to this:

OMG. My frozen transfer worked! I'm a little worried that the line is too faint for 10 days past a 5 day frozen transfer, but I will know more from my beta tomorrow.

CP and I are definitely still in shock that I have gotten pregnant after both transfers. I haven't been feeling any different- maybe a little cramping but I attributed that to the Crinone. Even my boobs feel normal (albeit fuller).

Stick with me little embryo!