Annual Pretty Princess Day

Yesterday was my annual Pretty Princess Day (want to know why I call my birthday my Pretty Princess Day? Go here). I'll be honest- it was a lonely day but in the end I couldn't feel too bad about my life.

I worked from home yesterday which meant getting to sleep in a bit. Izzy and I Facetimed with CP before I brought her into daycare...unfortunately CP forgot that it was my birthday until I reminded him (he is in China this week)- bad husband! I soon couldn't feel too sorry for myself because prior to a luncheon speech I had to give for work, I was taken on a tour of a homeless shelter. I have worked in plenty of soup kitchens but this was my first homeless shelter so it was very eye-opening. When I arrived home there were balloons tied to our front door and two cupcakes dropped off by my next door neighbor. It made my day! After picking up Izzy from daycare I did my best to encourage her to say "mommy" or even "ma ma" for my birthday but to no avail. 

Izzy also enjoyed my balloons

Mmmm chocolate cupcake

I realized last night that as my birthdays tick on, they are more and more like regular days....and I guess that I am going to have to get used to that. If that is the least of my worries then I have a pretty good life. Here's to year 36.

How am I doing?

Next week it will be 5 months since I gave birth to the most awesome daughter on the planet.  Okay, I *might* be a bit biased. :-) How am I doing?

*Right now I am down 40 lbs from my highest pregnancy weight. That means I weigh about 15-20 lbs less than when I got pregnant!!  I certainly could have been in better shape/weight when I got pregnant, but I was not exercising, eating my unhappiness, and having lots of "fun" with Lupron so it's not too surprising that I weigh less now. I didn't use pregnancy as an excuse to eat all of the things so the 20 pounds that I gained during pregnancy came off quickly.  Currently I am stuck at a weight that is higher than I am happy with, but I'm not eating as healthy as I could be so I can't expect to lose weight unless I eat a bit healthier.

*Unfortunately, Biff and Harry the hemorrhoids are still hanging around. They don't cause any problems and are certainly a lot smaller, but still there. I'm hoping they decide to go away at some point....

*As I mentioned here, I do have some uterine soreness after running. I ended up emailing my doctor to ask if that was normal and she wants me to go in for an appointment.  Ruh roh.  Maybe I shouldn't have said anything?  

*I had hoped that I wouldn't be one of those people who had bigger feet after pregnancy, but it looks like I am one of the unlucky ones.  About half of my shoes still fit....the other half don't.  Thankfully I don't own 10 million pairs of shoes, but it is still annoying. Time to purge the closet and give away things that no longer fit!

*I pulled out a plastic bin of warm weather clothes last week and it was like I went shopping!  I was too pregnant to wear any of the clothes last year so I had forgotten that I even had most of these items.  The good news is even with the pouch I still have over my incision scar (and the chorus of friends telling me that it won't go away any time soon), most of the clothes fit (I think because everything but the pouch is a bit smaller than before).

*The good news about my weight being lower than when I started the pregnancy and that fitting clothes is that I am not feeling too down about my body. Sometimes I get down, but then try to tell myself that it has only been X amount of time since giving birth.  I do wish that I didn't have the stomach pouch and I do wish that my stretch marks on my stomach would start to fade to white, but neither of those things are happening, so I might as well just suck it up.

*Right around Izzy's four month birthday I started losing tons of hair.  I swear I could save all of it up and make a coat out of it after only a month!  I was sort of hoping this postpartum symptom wouldn't hit me because instead of having luxurious hair like you are supposed to during pregnancy, I had dry hair that felt like straw.  But sure enough, I am losing hair and have already been warned that when it does grow back I will have a ton of wispy hairs in the front.  Awesome.

*I'm pretty tired these days.  Izzy is sleeping through the night and is awesome, but there are just not enough hours in the day to get everything done!  I suppose my exhaustion could be a lot of things- breastfeeding/pumping burns calories so my body has to be working a bit harder every day, the lack of a husband the past two weeks because of his work travel, not getting a ton of down time, etc.

*Sex hurts.  Despite having a c-section.  Yes this sucks.

*Despite feeling tired, I'm also feeling pretty lucky.  I'm still amazed by the miracle of science that not only got me pregnant in a lab, but with my body for sustaining a healthy pregnancy the first time around.  My c-section was textbook with no complications. Despite our initial issues with breastfeeding, it is now going well. I also have been lucky enough to be able to run (forget about the uterine soreness).  So far, no postpartum depression. Yep, I'm pretty lucky.

*I was a little worried about what my bra size would be after pregnancy because the two bras that I bought after my rib cage started to really hurt during pregnancy were size 42H!  My largest band size when I was at my heaviest weight was 38 so I was worried that I would always be in the 40s post-pregnancy.  During my maternity leave I only wore soft nursing bras for fear of clogged ducts and other problems, but once I started work I started to wear my underwire pregnancy bras again because they at least fit my cup size (unfortunately they are not nursing bras though so sort of annoying to deal with when nursing/pumping). I finally took a few minutes last week to get sized again and to buy an underwire nursing bra and my current size is 36GG.  So still ridonkulously huge (cup-size wise), but at least my band size is back to normal. 

*It's funny.  I was thinking the other day about how, even over a year after finding out that I was pregnant, I still check the toilet paper in the bathroom.  During pregnancy it was to make sure that I wasn't bleeding.  Then for the past five months it has been to check if I was getting my period back.  This week, after a year and two months since my last period, I don't have to check anymore.  Boooooo.  I was hoping not to get it at all while I was breastfeeding, but I guess almost 5 months is pretty good.

Random musings

*Turns out my MIL did not have cancer, however she did have a tumor in her kidney.  Thankfully, the results came back yesterday and it was benign.  :-)

*In other old people news, my FIL has to have a hip replaced in September and will most likely have the other one replaced in the spring.  Yikes.

*This morning in the train station, there was a woman talking on a phone and the cover looked just like the phone below (no bunny tail though).  It is weird that the first thing that I thought of was that she also uses the phone as a vibrator?

Via Google Image Search

*I am officially an a**hole.  I get super annoyed with the people that park themselves on the street corners and play loud music, occasionally playing with the music on their trumpet or other instrument.  I know that this is how some of these people are making a living, but they are just not good and what makes them think that a cranky, hot pregnant woman wants their ears assaulted while walking to/from the train?

*Yesterday I was 19 weeks into this pregnancy.  When will I stop checking the toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom?

*On the same note, will I ever take out the pad that has been in my backpack that I take into work?  Or will it stay there throughout the pregnancy?  I took out the tampons....but left the pad in just in case....

*Are you as annoyed as I am with people on Facebook that post stories about criminals posing as cops and pulling people over in unmarked cars, or criminals that get into your car as you are pumping gas?  One person even posted something bashing Obamacare, saying that the IRS would have to hire 12,000 new agents to verify that people had health care.  For gosh sakes people CHECK SNOPES.COM before posting something like that.  GAH.

*You know how people get asparagus pee?  I swear that I also get popcorn pee.  Please tell me that your pee smells like popcorn after eating some to make me feel better.

*Twizzlers are delicious, but man they have a weird after taste.  It just makes me eat more of them to get the yummy taste back in my mouth.  I think the solution is just not to buy another package of them.

*CP decided to play with Buster in the backyard last night after work.  Buster went up to catch a ball and landed right in a pile of his poo.  Once I got home from work, CP and I gave Buster a bath outside.  We were joking during the middle of it that bathing a baby is going to be so much easier without all of that fur!  We probably won't have to put a leash on the baby to make sure they don't run away as well....  ;-)

*CP bought a few fatherhood books off of Amazon recently and my heart melted.  Now he just has to crack them open.  Any suggestions on good motherhood/parenting books I should order?

What are your random thoughts today?

Fat

Although I know that there is a reason for it, today I feel fat.  Not bloated or pregnant, but fat.

Although I should have started off this pregnancy at a healthier weight, I stress-ate my way through the beginning of the year.  I meant to eat healthy, great things to get my body fully prepared for a pregnancy, but instead I ate too much, sometimes with unhealthy food.  I kept thinking to myself, the first IVF is a diagnostic cycle, no one gets pregnant from cycle #1.  As soon as I get my negative beta result, I'll start running and really prepare myself for the next cycle.  But for now, I don't know what IVF is going to be like so it makes me feel better to stay away from the gym and eat.

Then came the doctor-mandated "be careful doing anything" while I was on the stimulation medications because of risk of ovarian torsion.  Then two days of laying on the couch after the retrieval.  Then two days of laying on the couch after the transfer.

I have been walking a lot since the transfer- at least a mile a day.  But I still feel fat.  I know that walking is good, but I would really feel better doing MORE.  The problem is, I don't want to push it too much and miscarry.  So running during the pregnancy is totally out of the question.  Not to mention I am TIRED and the Crinone (progesterone) is not helping matters.  Plus my ovaries are still huge from the IVF drugs (that is normal, but the RE's office is still watching them).

My gym is starting a prenatal yoga class on Saturday.  I wouldn't be able to go this weekend but could start going the following weekend.  At that point I will only be 9w3d and I worry that I would get laughed out of class because I wasn't pregnant enough.  Or because I dared to show up before I was even out of the first trimester.  Are these even rational thoughts?

I was already a bit overweight prior to IVF.  The Lupron and other drugs certainly didn't help me lose weight.  But being bigger to start off with doesn't help with self-confidence and self-esteem.  Right now I look like I have a FUPA; I don't look like I am pregnant.

At this point, it's too late for me to lose weight since that is, you know, frowned upon during pregnancy.  I really didn't think that I would feel this bad about myself while pregnant, but then again, why would it go away?  At 7w5d my pants are already getting tighter.  And my boobs keep growing which only means that if all goes well on Wednesday's ultrasound, I may need to go shopping for stretchy pants and some new bras this weekend....  It did make me feel a bit better this morning when I googled when people started to shop for maternity clothes and responses varied from 7 weeks to about 16 weeks.  I don't need maternity clothes, but stretchy pants would make me much more comfortable at work.

On a related note, CP finally comes home from his two week work trip tonight.  He wasn't supposed to be gone this long so I'm excited to finally have him home.  But I worry that he is going to think that I look gross.

*sigh*

Holy poop

Just got news from the clinic....I'm no longer PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)- 

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right.....after almost three years I can finally say that I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

Holy poop. Holy poop.  Holy poop.

Still in so much shock and shaking.  There are still a ton of hurdles, but today I am on cloud nine.  :-)

As far as my beta test went, any hCG level over 25 is considered pregnant.  My clinic likes to see anything over 100....as always I like to be an overachiever so my beta was 233.  I'm back into the clinic on Thursday to make sure that my hCG level is doubling.  I have a long road ahead, but for today, I can breathe a BIG sigh of relief- I now have proof that CP's sperm and my eggs can have a fertilization party and implant in my uterus!!

No wine and sushi for me tonight!!  (happy dance)

Loss of words

This morning I found out that an acquaintance from college (a good friend of a good friend) just suffered a terrible loss.  Her husband just got back from an overseas trip last week, started a new business on Monday, and then decided to kill himself last night.  She found him hanging in the garage.  I'm speechless and she is shell shocked.  She had no idea that anything was wrong.  I'm sure in the coming months that she will be confused, angry, and wondering if she could have done something.  Oh and right before she found him, she also found out that her mother has cancer.  October 23rd will never be a good day for her.  A widow at the age of 33.

I can't even imagine what she is going through.  The whole situation reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister about a month ago.  We got on the topic of how lucky we are to not have anyone really close to us die so far in our 30+ years of life.  We were really too young when my dad's parents died (plus they lived out of state) and although I was in high school when maternal grandmother died, she also lived in a different state and we only saw her 2-3 times a year.  Honestly, I have been very lucky.  No friends, family, or anyone else that has been really close to me has died.

The conversation with my sister turned to how crappy we are at trying to comfort someone that has had a recent death of someone close to them.  Because I have no basis on what people need or want when they are grieving, I am often at a loss for words and have sometimes pulled away because I wasn't sure I could be of much help.*  I know, it is awful.  Pulling away when a friend is at a time of great need.  But I don't want to upset them more with something that I say and frankly, I don't know WHAT to say.  Nothing I say will make the grieving process go faster.  But I want them to be better.  I don't want to see them sad.

Thinking of that conversation reminded me of how often people pull away because they aren't sure how to handle a situation and what to say.  I have read a lot of blogs complaining about friends pulling away from an infertile blogger.  Well, maybe this situation is quite similar to how I handle a grieving friend.  The person hasn't been through infertility and doesn't know what to say.  Maybe they have said something like "just relax" or "keep practicing- at least you are having a lot of sex" in the past and have been chided for saying something insensitive.  Maybe they haven't had a miscarriage- either because they were able to go through pregnancy without a problem or they are not in a place where they want kids yet.  Either way, they may just not know how to handle what you are going through.  

I have friends that ask questions and are good about keeping up with what is going on with my infertility.  But my best friend- MY BEST FRIEND- never asks.  EVER.  Sometimes I volunteer information, but she never asks questions or follows up.  Because you know what?  She is not thinking about pregnancy at this time.  She is getting ready to move in with her boyfriend (first time moving in with a guy she is dating) and it's a big deal for her.  Marriage is probably on the horizon fairly soon, but moving in and the worries about whether the two of them will survive living together after living alone for many, many years are at the top of her list.  Not infertility.  I have a couple of fertile college friends (literally the month after they threw away their birth control they were pregnant) that know that we have been trying for a while.  Ever since I told them about our problems earlier this year, I haven't heard one peep from them asking what is going on.

While some infertile bloggers out there deal with too much meddling into their reproductive (or lack there of) life, I suffer from lack of meddling from people in my life.  But I try to remember that just as I don't know what questions to ask, what a person needs, and what to say or not say to a grieving friend, some of my friends may feel the same way about my infertility.  So I discuss other things that are going on in my life with them and keep the infertility talk for other friends that ask or are also having problems.  So to sum up, I think that people who are inexperienced in a subject may feel uncomfortable with what to say or do in a situation.  It's not that they don't care, but they don't want to make the situation worse or the person even more upset. 

As far as my acquaintance, I did end up sending a message via Facebook (I don't have her email and she lives on the East coast) expressing my condolences.  I also sent her the URL of a blog that I used to read of a woman in Australia who had a very similar thing happen to her.  I said that I wasn't sure if reading the blog would help, but that I was sending it along just in case.  Did I say the right thing?  Was it right to send her the URL of that blog?  I don't know.  But I hope that she knows that I am thinking about her during this awful time in her life.

*I find this is true even in the infertility world.  I am always at a loss of what to say to a blogger that has had a miscarriage.

Ten for Tuesday

1. How do you feel about Groundhog’s Day? I don’t really pay attention to it because here in the Northeast, we are going to have weeks more of winter anyway.

2. What color are your fingernails right now? (Bonus points if you include a picture.) I don’t like to wear nail polish on my fingernails because it chips after a day, but I do have on a sparkly blue color on my toenails right now (it’s Sally Hansen HD Hi-Definition Nail Color in “Laser”).

3. Do you like riddles? Umm sure?

4. When you were 10, how old did you think “old” was? At your current age, how old do you think “old” is? Old was definitely someone over 30 when I was growing up. Now old is probably 60?

5. Do you wish on stars? No. I am too logical and boring to think about doing that.

6. Do you recycle? Of course! We also compost. Between the two we have drastically cut down on how much garbage gets hauled away each year.

7. On a scale from 1-10, how good of a cook are you? Oh I’m probably only a 5 while CP is definitely at least a 10. The boy is ridonkulous (and I LOVE IT!).

8. Do you color your hair? Professionally or at home? Hell yeah. Sadly I have had gray hairs since the age of 6. I remember in high school when I was bored in class I would look through my hair to find grays in order to pull them out (now thinking back to that- gross!). I now have a lovely skunk patch near the temple on the right side of my head and I HATE IT. I have to go every six weeks to get my hair colored, but at least I love my hair stylist (she truly is the best). I’m thinking about changing up my brown hair to add in a few red highlights next week!

9. On a scale from 1-10, how do you rate your manners? It definitely depends on where I am and whom I am with. If I am at home with CP, my elbows are on the table and manners are partially thrown out the door. If I am at a fancy restaurant with work folks or even my parents, I make sure to follow my manners. I do think that anyone that chews with their mouth open- no matter where they are- is nasty.

10. Who are the last 5 people you have texted? My sister, a friend from college (who saw my sister at a Super Bowl party), and then three local friends.

ICLW week

This month is my first ICLW (learn about it here). I guess it would be fitting to introduce myself to all of the newcomers. I’m Non Sequitur Chica and I live with my husband CP and our two Bernese Mountain Dogs. We met through Match.com a few years after graduating from the same college (despite mutual friends we didn’t know each other in college). More on our story here.

We have been married a little over two years and decided to throw away my birth control pills in May 2010. CP has some male factor infertility, but most likely our biggest hurdle has been my baseball-sized fibroid and endometriosis that I had surgically removed in November. Currently I am waiting for my period to appear after a three-month Lupron shot that shut down my ovaries back in late August. I’m getting a little worried that it is taking so long. Once it does, we plan on an IUI with Clomid.

Other than that, I graduated from law school, but don’t use my degree and hate my job. CP loves to cook and is really good at it. I’m a huge Eagles fan so the fact that the Giants are in the Superbowl again really burns my britches (CP is a Patriots fan so at least he was happy yesterday). We enjoy a lot of outdoor sports- hiking, skiing, kayaking and I’m a fan of running most of the time.

Thanks for stopping by! I look forward to reading your blogs as well!

Now it is real

This week I FINALLY got a surgery date- it is now November 3rd….and suddenly it feels real. Suddenly I am nervous. Only three weeks away.

I had two options on the date….Nov 3rd and Nov 23rd. I decided to go with the earlier date for a couple of reasons.

1. Why shouldn’t I get this surgery over with as soon as possible? If I waited until the 23rd that would be the absolute last day I could have the surgery without having to get another Lupron shot. Just in case we get a freak snow storm in late November, I am NOT going to pay another $1000 for a shot.

2. The sooner I have it, the more Lupron I have left in my body (even though I think that it is supposed to be a time release-type shot over the three months). The more medication I have left in my body= less bleeding during the surgery.

3. Thanksgiving will be three weeks after the surgery which means I should have no problems walking around, hanging out with CP’s family, etc.

4. The surgery will now be a full five weeks and a day before CP and I leave for the Bahamas for a quick December vacation. I’m hoping to get cleared for some scuba diving!

5. The earlier in the month I had the surgery, the greater the possibility my mom could fly out and help CP out.

6. Last but certainly not least, the sooner I have the surgery, the sooner my uterus can heal and the sooner CP and I can start the first IUI treatment!

I recently found out my genetic test results. No cystic fibrosis or other genetic problems with me (YAY!). The only thing that I do have is something a bit weird…. Pseudocholinesterase Deficiency (huh?). From the website:

Pseudocholinesterase deficiency is a condition in which a person's body is abnormally slow at breaking down a certain class of drugs used for surgical anesthesia. Known as choline esters, the most commonly used of these drugs is called succinylcholine (suxamethonium). This drug is used by doctors to induce muscle relaxation and temporary paralysis, often for the purpose of inserting a breathing tube. After receiving a normal dose of succinylcholine, people with pseudocholinesterase deficiency will experience a longer than normal period of breathing paralysis. Typically medical teams who administer these drugs would be equipped to handle such an event.

People who are carriers of pseudocholinesterase deficiency - that is, people who have one copy of the gene with a mutation and one normal copy - show a slightly prolonged period of breathing paralysis after receiving choline ester drugs. This period lasts longer than 5 minutes but less than an hour. For people with two mutated copies of the gene, this episode lasts more than an hour and can last as long as three hours.

Less than 1 in 1000 people have pseudocholinesterase deficiency. It is more common among the some Alaskan Eskimos, where it may affect as many as 10%. In the Persian Jewish community, 1 in 10 individuals is a carrier of the mutation. Among white Americans, the mutation is thought to affect 1 in 3,000.

Who knew? I have never heard of this and as far as I know, I am only a carrier. This is only a big deal if CP also has this mutation….so we will have to talk to my doctor to find out if it is worth CP getting tested for this mutation too.

Male egos

Last week I downloaded Pitbull's new album from iTunes. While listening to my new album, I came across this ditty:



"Come N Go" featuring Enrique Inglesias.

This song has a catchy beat, but the thing that made me snort was the lyrics. "I make the girls come, I make the girls go" with some woman in the background singing like she was in an opera (i.e. having an orgasm).

Now I realize that this is just a song, but the balls that these guys have to have to put out a song like this....proclaiming that they are god's gift to women in the bedroom...well, it just makes me laugh.

Have you ever had a guy come up to you with a pick up line to the same effect? Thankfully I have not but I would laugh right in his face. I was never interested in egotistical guys so right off the bat I would write the guy off. But it's not only that. What makes some guy think that I would be willing to even let him TRY to rock my world? I was not a one-night stand kind of girl- at most I would drunkenly kiss strangers. So the fact that he thought that he would be able to get into my pants just because he said that he was good in bed? HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I'm not quite sure why this song inspired me to write an entire post about it, but while admiring the cajones it took to write, perform and put this song on his album, I also have to laugh.

Do you have a reaction to this song?

Heading back to 6th grade

Wow I don’t think that this year could suck any more. Last week I got even more bad news.

Over the weekend I broke part of my back lower right molar while eating. I wasn’t entirely surprised- I have what is called an “open bite” because my jaw has shifted so much the past few years. So with this open bite the teeth on the back right side of my mouth are the only ones that make contact with each other. So for the past few years I have mainly been chewing on the right side of my mouth.

My open bite is most likely due to the fact that I grind my teeth. Dentists have told me for years, but until my dentist here in CT told me that I was seriously losing enamel on my teeth, I didn’t think that it was too much to worry about. Ha ha.

So grinding my teeth has completely f*cked up my teeth. I went to the dentist to get my tooth shaved down (thankfully it wasn’t that bad of a break) and he told me that this would continue to happen if I didn’t get some orthodontia work done. BRACES??? AT AGE 32???? But I already had them for two years from 6th grade to 8th grade! F*ck.

My dentist also said that he had to send me to a “special” dentist because I have a “complex case.” That sounded ominous.

I made my appointment and afterwards wanted to cry. $6200-$7200 to fix my teeth. Probably a year and a half of braces. No possibility of getting Invisaline (the clear retainers). No possibility of braces on the back of my teeth. But I can have clear brackets for $250 more (but with a metal wire). FML.

Oh! And they will mostly likely have to BREAK MY JAW AND REMOVE FOUR TEETH. FANTASTIC.

My insurance is not paying for a lick of the orthodontia work but will pay for part of the oral surgery (aka BREAKING MY JAW and removing teeth).

Unfortunately, this has to be done because my teeth will just get worse if I don’t get them fixed now. We were planning on putting away extra money towards a household savings fund because we will need a new roof/new windows soon, but it looks like that money will be going towards my teeth.

I get all the prep work done next Tuesday. At that point I will get a better estimate price-wise, time-wise and whether they will have to break my jaw and/or remove teeth. No idea as to when the braces will actually go on but at this point I just want to get it over with.

The moral of the story? If you are told you grind your teeth? Get a freaking mouthguard for night-time use so that you don’t have to wear braces. AGAIN.

Twinkies

For the first time EVER in my life, I bought Hostess cupcakes and Twinkies today. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never eaten or bought anything Hostess. It felt dirty buying that crap (I decided it best to NOT look at the “nutrition” label or the ingredients). I felt as if people were looking at me weird (which is silly because most people in America have probably had a Twinkie in their lifetime).

I wasn’t buying it for myself though. This morning my friend/coworker came clean about what is going on at home. For the past month or so her fiance has been going crazy. Literally. Yelling all around the house. Scaring her two kids. No physical violence, but he is very unstable.

This has happened before. She was married to him. He started to exhibit crazy behaviors; she couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with it so they divorced. They stayed in contact for the kids and after a few years of being apart, she thought that he had matured. Things were great. They got engaged again, but weren’t planning on getting married until he figured out his finances (he is out of work and on disability because he has Meniere’s disease).

For the past year things have been going well….until this month.

Thankfully she is not going to take it. She doesn’t want him to scare the kids. She doesn’t want to be scared herself. She doesn’t want her kids to grow up and marry a man that is verbally abusive and/or someone that has anger issues. She has already contacted her attorney. She has called the police to take away his pistol permit. She is going to get a restraining order. She is going to file for full custody. She is not going to be nice this time.

I feel just awful. No one wants to cry at work. She lost 6 pounds in the past week from the stress of living with him. The kids are on her side, saying things like, “You tried Mommy” and “Mommy we are going to be okay.”

So on the way back from a dentist appointment I stopped by CVS and bought her some goodies. We always joke because she is skinny, but only eats crap food. She is appalled that I have never had a Twinkie. So I bought her some high fructose corn syrup food in hopes that she will eat something and not waste away.

I’m not sure if there is anything that I can do but try to be here for her. I’m glad that the Hostess treats cheered her up for a few minutes at least.

Needed: confidence

Poor CP. I have been down lately and couple that with lack of sleep? I start crying and sound a teensy-weensy bit crazy. Just a warning- this post IS going to be all over the place.

Example: our conversation while making dinner was about an article I saw on NPR about not being able to read everything that is deemed “great”, about not seeing every “great” movie, “great” television show, etc. There just isn’t enough time. I bridged that thought with the fact that there are facts out there, facts that are important to our nation’s history, facts that I SHOULD know or that I DID know at one point, that I no longer can recall. And that makes me sad. Partially because some of the facts are important and things that I do believe people should know, but partially because I don’t want to look stupid because I don’t know these facts.

CP then told me that I care too much about what others think of me. I completely agree with that statement. I NEVER want to look stupid. When I am writing something I make sure that I spell everything correctly, I will even change sentences as to not use some words, just in case I use them incorrectly. If I am writing about a date, a fact, a whatever, even if it is just a comment on a blog, I will look it up on the internet just in case my memory is wrong (even if most of the time I am right). I question myself ALL THE TIME.

And now that I am thinking about looking for another job, I am questioning myself once again.

Sure I got promoted within three months in the two jobs I had right after college- but they were easy jobs. Anyone could have done them.

Of course my parents thought that I did a good job when working for them- they are my parents are weren’t going to tell me that I did a bad job.

Sure I got into law school, but when surrounded by people that had worked on amazing things like the Peace Corps, or who had already gotten their MBA, how could I even compete with these people?

Me passing the bar was sheer luck. My parents say that they run into very stupid people that are lawyers and they have to have passed the bar. So passing the bar doesn’t make me smart.

Getting my current job was also through luck. How else to explain my friend that didn’t get into the program despite being in the top 10% of our law school class?

It’s like this vicious circle. At times I am proud of what I have accomplished, but most of the time I feel as if I don’t deserve it. Recently I have realized that the reason I didn’t choose to go into private law practice was because I didn’t think that I was smart enough to do so. I think that I actually talked myself out of my profession.

Huh.

So what now? I need to get some confidence. Figure out my strengths. Figure out what I like to do/ what work tasks I enjoy. Figure out what is going to challenge me. And then try to find that job in CT.

*sigh*

What do you like most about your job and why?

Ten on the wrong day

Saw that this Ten on Tuesday yesterday was all about food and I figured that I HAD to do it. :-)

1. What is a food that you never thought you would try, but then tried and liked?

Oh lots of things. CP has me try anything and everything.

2. Do you subscribe to any foodie publications? If so, which ones?

We get Cooking Light (more for me), Cooks Illustrated and Bon Appetit.

3. What ingredient do you find yourself reaching for the most when you cook?

Probably Pam? I don’t cook very much but when I make eggs on the weekend or cook chicken for lunches, I grab the Pam.

4. Are there any foods that you hated as a child, but then learned to like as an adult?

LOTS of stuff. I didn’t eat fish as a kid, but now I haven’t met a fish that I don’t like. Brussel sprouts. Beets. Turnips. Sushi. Duck. Veal.

5. What do you like to eat that others may consider weird?

A lot of the stuff that CP makes! All of my coworkers think that the head on duck/goose we had a few weeks ago was disgusting. To me, it is the same thing they can get at a regular supermarket just not cleaned/ sanitized for the masses. The duck/geese that they eat had heads and feet at one time so it is the same darn thing.

6. What is the weirdest ingredient you’ve ever cooked with?

CP could probably answer this a bit better. That boys eats anything so therefore he cooks with anything. Recently he cooked with tripe (nasty) and chayote.

7. Do you have any major food allergies?

No thank goodness. I can’t imagine having to give up peanut butter, fish, shellfish, etc.

8. Is there an ingredient that you would like to cook with, but are intimidated to try?

Probably meat and fish in general. I like recipes where you put everything into a crockpot/baking dish and cook everything for a set amount of time. That way I don’t have to think about whether something is completely cooked through or not.

9. Do you bake?

Yes and sometimes I actually make some good stuff. This past weekend I made Rosemary Garlic Asiago bread and it was DELICIOUS. I will try to remember to share the recipe because it EASY and yummy.

10. If you could go on any “foodie” show to compete, which one would it be, and why?

Any foodie show would kick me off from the very start so I wouldn’t even try. Now CP on the other hand…

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On another note, while my triceps and my arms in general are still super sore, my legs are finally starting to feel better. I took Fuzzy Britches for an hour long walk yesterday, but couldn't fathom trying to run. When you feel pain just walking That I will attempt tonight. I'm going to chalk up most of this week to an absolute failure due to CrossFit soreness. I guess I am "tapering" for the Quarter Marathon race this weekend??

The State of NSC- February edition

A monthly take on my world.

Weight: 206 pounds (boooo)

Current Feeling: A bit tired and worried. Work has been busy and all of the rain we have been getting hasn’t helped. At least tomorrow is supposed to be a high of 46!

Running Stats
Miles Run: 42.47
Time Spent Running: 8 hours, 16 minutes, 17 seconds
Calories Burned: 6,669
Longest Run: 7.25 miles on 2/26
PR: My new 5K PR is 33 minutes,25 seconds. My new 10K PR is 72 minutes, 10 seconds.

Current aches and pains: My plantar fasciitis reared its ugly head on Saturday during my 7+ mile run. Both heels hurt the ENTIRE RUN. It was painful and not very fun. I am back to the painful stretches and rolling a golf ball beneath my arches. In addition, I also had some chafing issues along my rib cage from my sports bra. I was able to rub my skin raw and not even realize it until I jumped into the shower (my heels pain must have masked this pain). The line has somewhat faded, but I’m worried that they won’t be gone before my next long run on Saturday.

Current Favorite Song: Rihanna’s “Only Girl in the World”

Looking forward to: Getting my “infertility” test results. Running the Quarter Marathon. Our new puppy! And farther off, our week-long camping trip we just booked for Acadia National Park (Maine). :-)

Annoyed about: The mortgage fiasco is still dragging on. Having to find new renters in the condo out west because our current ones have decided that they want to move out and buy a place. Money issues in general.

Craving: Crab cheese wontons. Haven’t had them in a very long time because we haven’t been out for Thai food in a while. I really need to remedy this…

My (non) belief

First, three quick stories:

I was working from home recently when I heard the doorbell rang. I opened the door to two ladies who asked if I had God in my life. I replied that I did not as I was not religious. They made a face and then asked, “well have you always been that way?” Umm yes.

Freshman year of high school I remember being in science class. Somehow the fact that I was an atheist came up and some guy then told me that I was going to hell. I didn't think that was quite appropriate as I think that I am a good person, despite being a non-believer. He kept saying it to me, over and over, until our teacher had to come over and tell him that I wasn't going to hell simply because I didn't believe in God. Around this time I realized that maybe I should keep my (non)beliefs to myself.

One of my best friend's mothers in high school remarked, "Oh, Non Sequitur Chica is so nice, but I wish that she would join a church."

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I'll let someone else help me explain my (non)belief.

A Holiday Message From Ricky Gervais: Why I’m an Atheist
Originally posted on the Wall Street Journal Blogs

Why don’t you believe in God? I get that question all the time. I always try to give a sensitive, reasoned answer. This is usually awkward, time consuming and pointless. People who believe in God don’t need proof of his existence, and they certainly don’t want evidence to the contrary. They are happy with their belief. They even say things like “it’s true to me” and “it’s faith.” I still give my logical answer because I feel that not being honest would be patronizing and impolite. It is ironic therefore that “I don’t believe in God because there is absolutely no scientific evidence for his existence and from what I’ve heard the very definition is a logical impossibility in this known universe,” comes across as both patronizing and impolite.

Arrogance is another accusation. Which seems particularly unfair. Science seeks the truth. And it does not discriminate. For better or worse it finds things out. Science is humble. It knows what it knows and it knows what it doesn’t know. It bases its conclusions and beliefs on hard evidence -­- evidence that is constantly updated and upgraded. It doesn’t get offended when new facts come along. It embraces the body of knowledge. It doesn’t hold on to medieval practices because they are tradition. If it did, you wouldn’t get a shot of penicillin, you’d pop a leach down your trousers and pray. Whatever you “believe,” this is not as effective as medicine. Again you can say, “It works for me,” but so do placebos. My point being, I’m saying God doesn’t exist. I’m not saying faith doesn’t exist. I know faith exists. I see it all the time. But believing in something doesn’t make it true. Hoping that something is true doesn’t make it true. The existence of God is not subjective. He either exists or he doesn’t. It’s not a matter of opinion. You can have your own opinions. But you can’t have your own facts.

Why don’t I believe in God? No, no no, why do YOU believe in God? Surely the burden of proof is on the believer. You started all this. If I came up to you and said, “Why don’t you believe I can fly?” You’d say, “Why would I?” I’d reply, “Because it’s a matter of faith.” If I then said, “Prove I can’t fly. Prove I can’t fly see, see, you can’t prove it can you?” You’d probably either walk away, call security or throw me out of the window and shout, ‘’F—ing fly then you lunatic.”

This, is of course a spirituality issue, religion is a different matter. As an atheist, I see nothing “wrong” in believing in a god. I don’t think there is a god, but belief in him does no harm. If it helps you in any way, then that’s fine with me. It’s when belief starts infringing on other people’s rights when it worries me. I would never deny your right to believe in a god. I would just rather you didn’t kill people who believe in a different god, say. Or stone someone to death because your rulebook says their sexuality is immoral. It’s strange that anyone who believes that an all-powerful all-knowing, omniscient power responsible for everything that happens, would also want to judge and punish people for what they are. From what I can gather, pretty much the worst type of person you can be is an atheist. The first four commandments hammer this point home. There is a god, I’m him, no one else is, you’re not as good and don’t forget it. (Don’t murder anyone, doesn’t get a mention till number 6.)

When confronted with anyone who holds my lack of religious faith in such contempt, I say, “It’s the way God made me.”

But what are atheists really being accused of?

The dictionary definition of God is “a supernatural creator and overseer of the universe.” Included in this definition are all deities, goddesses and supernatural beings. Since the beginning of recorded history, which is defined by the invention of writing by the Sumerians around 6,000 years ago, historians have cataloged over 3700 supernatural beings, of which 2870 can be considered deities.

So next time someone tells me they believe in God, I’ll say “Oh which one? Zeus? Hades? Jupiter? Mars? Odin? Thor? Krishna? Vishnu? Ra?…” If they say “Just God. I only believe in the one God,” I’ll point out that they are nearly as atheistic as me. I don’t believe in 2,870 gods, and they don’t believe in 2,869.

I used to believe in God. The Christian one that is.

I loved Jesus. He was my hero. More than pop stars. More than footballers. More than God. God was by definition omnipotent and perfect. Jesus was a man. He had to work at it. He had temptation but defeated sin. He had integrity and courage. But He was my hero because He was kind. And He was kind to everyone. He didn’t bow to peer pressure or tyranny or cruelty. He didn’t care who you were. He loved you. What a guy. I wanted to be just like Him.

One day when I was about 8 years old, I was drawing the crucifixion as part of my Bible studies homework. I loved art too. And nature. I loved how God made all the animals. They were also perfect. Unconditionally beautiful. It was an amazing world.

I lived in a very poor, working-class estate in an urban sprawl called Reading, about 40 miles west of London. My father was a laborer and my mother was a housewife. I was never ashamed of poverty. It was almost noble. Also, everyone I knew was in the same situation, and I had everything I needed. School was free. My clothes were cheap and always clean and ironed. And mum was always cooking. She was cooking the day I was drawing on the cross.

I was sitting at the kitchen table when my brother came home. He was 11 years older than me, so he would have been 19. He was as smart as anyone I knew, but he was too cheeky. He would answer back and get into trouble. I was a good boy. I went to church and believed in God -– what a relief for a working-class mother. You see, growing up where I did, mums didn’t hope as high as their kids growing up to be doctors; they just hoped their kids didn’t go to jail. So bring them up believing in God and they’ll be good and law abiding. It’s a perfect system. Well, nearly. 75 percent of Americans are God-­‐fearing Christians; 75 percent of prisoners are God-­‐fearing Christians. 10 percent of Americans are atheists; 0.2 percent of prisoners are atheists.

But anyway, there I was happily drawing my hero when my big brother Bob asked, “Why do you believe in God?” Just a simple question. But my mum panicked. “Bob,” she said in a tone that I knew meant, “Shut up.” Why was that a bad thing to ask? If there was a God and my faith was strong it didn’t matter what people said.

Oh…hang on. There is no God. He knows it, and she knows it deep down. It was as simple as that. I started thinking about it and asking more questions, and within an hour, I was an atheist.
Wow. No God. If mum had lied to me about God, had she also lied to me about Santa? Yes, of course, but who cares? The gifts kept coming. And so did the gifts of my new found atheism. The gifts of truth, science, nature. The real beauty of this world. I learned of evolution -– a theory so simple that only England’s greatest genius could have come up with it. Evolution of plants, animals and us –- with imagination, free will, love, humor. I no longer needed a reason for my existence, just a reason to live. And imagination, free will, love, humor, fun, music, sports, beer and pizza are all good enough reasons for living.

But living an honest life -– for that you need the truth. That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity.
So what does the question “Why don’t you believe in God?” really mean. I think when someone asks that they are really questioning their own belief. In a way they are asking “what makes you so special? “How come you weren’t brainwashed with the rest of us?” “How dare you say I’m a fool and I’m not going to heaven, f— you!” Let’s be honest, if one person believed in God he would be considered pretty strange. But because it’s a very popular view it’s accepted. And why is it such a popular view? That’s obvious. It’s an attractive proposition. Believe in me and live forever. Again if it was just a case of spirituality this would be fine.

“Do unto others…” is a good rule of thumb. I live by that. Forgiveness is probably the greatest virtue there is. But that’s exactly what it is -­‐ a virtue. Not just a Christian virtue. No one owns being good. I’m good. I just don’t believe I’ll be rewarded for it in heaven. My reward is here and now. It’s knowing that I try to do the right thing. That I lived a good life. And that’s where spirituality really lost its way. When it became a stick to beat people with. “Do this or you’ll burn in hell.”

You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.

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My (non)belief doesn't stop me from celebrating Christmas though. It's a time for my family to get together and enjoy some time off from work. I hope you enjoyed your holiday break, no matter what you believe!

Thoughts? Let's aim for a thoughtful and respectful discussion in the comments.

Running alone

On Wednesday a woman running in my town was sexually assaulted by a man who jumped out of the bushes. It happened at 7am, so just as it was getting light out. That same night I went to a dinner with a bunch of ladies in the new-to-town club that I joined two months ago. It came up in conversation as we were talking about running.

Most of the women involved in the conversation agreed that they wouldn’t run anywhere by themselves. I was surprised to hear that. Now that I have started running again I have been running by myself or sometimes with Fuzzy Britches. I have never felt nervous or wary. At least while it has been warm there have been plenty of other people around and I haven’t been worried about someone jumping out of the woods and raping me. My general thought is that you can't worry about every.single.thing. that could happen to you- you simply have to go out and live your life.

Perhaps when the weather starts to cool down and there aren’t very many people around I would feel differently. Perhaps I should not wear headphones to listen to my crappy music and instead have the ability to hear everything around me (I generally keep the music low, but still).

Is their fear a CT thing?

Is their fear a suburban thing?

Is their fear a mother thing (a lot of the women have recently become mothers)?

Should I also be worried? I used to run by myself all the time in Chicago, Denver and Philadelphia. I was never worried for my safety. I never ran with Mace or anything else that could be used on a potential attacker. Frankly these days I am so slow that I probably wouldn’t be able to outrun anyone either.

The police do not think that it was a serial rapist. Why he chose that poor woman to pull aside is unknown. I hope they catch him.

What do you think? Do you make it a habit to never run alone?

Current loves

Things that I am currently loving:

The friction block stick from Band-Aid. (Note: I have NOT been asked to review this product, nor was I sent a free sample.) Because it is no longer flip-flop season in the Northeast, I have had to start wearing shoes with backs once again. Booooo. Usually this time of the year is very painful and I do whatever I can do to either wear sneakers or backless shoes. However, after finding this product, I no longer have blisters on the backs of my feet. WIN!



Speaking of shoes, I am currently loving these babies that I picked up from an L.L.Bean Outlet store. I don’t usually go for pink, but they are SO COMFORTABLE. And now I want to add more brown to my wardrobe just to wear them all the time!

Pay no attention to the boats that I call feet....

Chai tea. CP and I are both sick and we have so far resisted turning the heat on (despite the fact that we are starting to dip into the 30s at night). So chai tea, with a splash of milk and some honey is the perfect drink!

My taste is music is varied. Recently I have been purchasing music for my runs. There are three songs right now that I am currently digging:

Taio Cruz- Dynamite



Enrique Inglesias f/ Pitbull- I Like It



I can’t believe that I actually purchased an Enrique Inglesias, but this song is just so CATCHY. And Pitbull? He just can’t stop making songs that I want to run to. The man is genius. OH NO I just found out that this song is on the Jersey Shore soundtrack. (hangs head in shame) And why is Enrique styling his hair like Justin Bieber in the video??

Flo Rida f/ David Guetta- Club Can’t Handle Me



Oh god. And this song is from Step Up 3D? (hangs head even lower)

I swear that I am not a teenybopper, but any song that makes this white girl want to get down on the dance floor (when I am NOT one for the clubs)? Is good for running.

The other song that I can’t get enough of?

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros- Home



It is such an odd song for the NFL to pick for a commercial seeing as the band members are the biggest hippies I have seen in a while, but still. LOVE this song. If you watch the video, it is from Letterman so you can see their tree-hugging, no showering ways. :-)

What are you loving these days?

Disasters

From weather.com

Today I woke up to a cloudy sky, but currently the sun is trying to peek out from the clouds. It isn’t scheduled to start raining here from Hurricane Earl until 2pm or so.

So far in my life I have yet to be near a natural disaster. In the suburbs of Chicago we heard about tornadoes, but I didn’t have any close calls. The floods that occurred along the Mississippi River happened far, far away so that wasn’t a concern either. We did have one earthquake along a fault in southern IL when I was growing up. My best friend at the time SWORE that she felt it, but I think that we were too far away and personally didn’t feel a thing.

For my years in Philly I also didn’t have any problems. I remember being at work and one of my coworkers couldn’t reach anyone in his territory (North/South Carolina) because everyone had been evacuated. I think that was Isabel. But again, no tornadoes, no floods, no hurricanes, no earthquakes, etc.

After moving out west I encountered the same thing. Sure there were tornadoes east of us, but for the most part we were safe because of the mountains.

When an email was circulated around at work about the different ways we should prepare for Earl, I scratched my head in confusion. But wait. We aren’t on the coast and although CT is a small state we should just feel heavy winds and rain, right? Well, according to my boss, CT has a very large number of trees per mile for such a populated state. Which means that when a strong storm comes though- it doesn’t have to be a hurricane- power goes out, it is tough to leave your house because of fallen trees, etc. AWESOME.

Thankfully, Earl is weakening. We hopefully just get a lot of rain which the Northeast desperately needs anyway. Earl also brings nicer weather after he comes through- no more 90+ degree days!

So maybe we are susceptible to a few more natural disasters here in CT. We have already had two tornadoes in the state in the past few months. CT hasn’t had a direct hit by a hurricane in a while (Bob in 1991). With a major storm earlier this year we had some flooding in the southern part of the state. As with anywhere, we have earthquakes all the time, we just don’t feel them because they are small.

As a side note, after the Haitian earthquake CP and I were sitting in the car and he was telling me that NH gets earthquakes a lot. I didn’t believe him and found the USGS site to prove him wrong. Well, it turns out that he was right (damn it!). In fact there seems to be nowhere to hide from earthquakes in the US. But again, in most places they are too small for us to feel.

So I guess by moving to CT I have moved myself a bit closer to natural disasters? I guess I can count blizzards in natural disasters and I have been in some of those. But to me, a lot of snow is not as scary as some of these other things….

Do you live in a disaster prone area? Do you prepare for a big storm with water, flashlights and food or just scoff at the warnings? Do you have a natural disaster story?

University

Stolen from Nilsa….

1. Where did you go to college?
A smaller private university on the east coast (but still D1 for sports).

2. What did you study?
Sociology. Minor in Health and Human Development and another minor in Communications.

3. Was college really all that it was cracked up to be?
Definitely. I was a bit naïve when coming to college….but had the most amazing time. Friends, parties, sports, etc. I don’t think that my liver could handle college again, but it was a fantastic time in my life.

4. How far were you from home?
A two-hour flight or a 12 hour drive. I wanted to get out of the Midwest and I’m glad that I did.

5. Did you have the same roommates all four years?
No. My roommate first year was another member of the tennis team. We were complete opposites though- she was a smoker (disgusting!) and also had a problem with coke. So that situation didn’t work out so well. Second and third years I lived in my sorority and had two different roommates. My last year I moved off campus into a house with three girls from my freshman year hall (next door we had four other girls from our freshman hall).

6. Where did you order food from at 2AM?
Freshman year we would make nachos in our dorm rooms. There was also a Wawa off campus which had delicious subs after hours. Mainly I ate at my boyfriend’s fraternity. They would make all kinds of unhealthy things late night (grilled cheese, mozzarella sticks, fries, onion rings, etc.).

7. Did you date in college or were you tied down?
I dated one boy for 3.5 years. I met him second semester of our freshman year.

8. Funniest drunk college moment?
I’m supposed to remember this? There are way too many. Nights spent drinking in the freshman dorms playing “a**hole” with our special a**hole hat. Formals. Date parties. Bid night because my best friend and I were too busy playing sports to learn the pledge dance and thus just drank through the song. Track parties as us throwers would easily beat the runners at Beirut. Etc.

9. Did you make it to class on time?
Freshman year I wasn’t so great at going to class. But when I did go to class, I would be on time. If I knew that I wouldn’t be on time then I just wouldn’t go!

10. What was your favorite class in college?
One of my favorite classes was nicknamed (by the students) “Rocks for Jocks” but was a Geology 101 (or something like that) class. It was a fun class and the professor was great.


Do you have fond memories of college?