Poor CP. I have been down lately and couple that with lack of sleep? I start crying and sound a teensy-weensy bit crazy. Just a warning- this post IS going to be all over the place.
Example: our conversation while making dinner was about an article I saw on NPR about not being able to read everything that is deemed “great”, about not seeing every “great” movie, “great” television show, etc. There just isn’t enough time. I bridged that thought with the fact that there are facts out there, facts that are important to our nation’s history, facts that I SHOULD know or that I DID know at one point, that I no longer can recall. And that makes me sad. Partially because some of the facts are important and things that I do believe people should know, but partially because I don’t want to look stupid because I don’t know these facts.
CP then told me that I care too much about what others think of me. I completely agree with that statement. I NEVER want to look stupid. When I am writing something I make sure that I spell everything correctly, I will even change sentences as to not use some words, just in case I use them incorrectly. If I am writing about a date, a fact, a whatever, even if it is just a comment on a blog, I will look it up on the internet just in case my memory is wrong (even if most of the time I am right). I question myself ALL THE TIME.
And now that I am thinking about looking for another job, I am questioning myself once again.
Sure I got promoted within three months in the two jobs I had right after college- but they were easy jobs. Anyone could have done them.
Of course my parents thought that I did a good job when working for them- they are my parents are weren’t going to tell me that I did a bad job.
Sure I got into law school, but when surrounded by people that had worked on amazing things like the Peace Corps, or who had already gotten their MBA, how could I even compete with these people?
Me passing the bar was sheer luck. My parents say that they run into very stupid people that are lawyers and they have to have passed the bar. So passing the bar doesn’t make me smart.
Getting my current job was also through luck. How else to explain my friend that didn’t get into the program despite being in the top 10% of our law school class?
It’s like this vicious circle. At times I am proud of what I have accomplished, but most of the time I feel as if I don’t deserve it. Recently I have realized that the reason I didn’t choose to go into private law practice was because I didn’t think that I was smart enough to do so. I think that I actually talked myself out of my profession.
Huh.
So what now? I need to get some confidence. Figure out my strengths. Figure out what I like to do/ what work tasks I enjoy. Figure out what is going to challenge me. And then try to find that job in CT.
*sigh*
What do you like most about your job and why?
5 comments:
Say it with me now...therapy... It works! I'm telling you. Not the most fun thing ever, but worth it. You're worth it!
you have every reason to believe in yourself...you just have a broken record repeating nonstop in your head.
what i love about my job is the casualness (?) of it all. people come in and out in ripped jeans, shorts, etc.
I've found that when I'm floundering at work, when I have no growth or responsibility that challenges me or fulfills me, my self-confidence always suffers in pretty much everything. So I totally get how you're feeling.
Which is part of why my favorite things about every job I've ever had comes down to how much responsibility and decision making power I have, how much of an "authority" I am (even when I was an assistant. I was an authority on our schedules. I ROCKED that job), and how much I get to use my brain.
Oddly enough, my favourite thing was being offered the chance to work 4 10-hour days a week, instead of 5 8s. I work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 8:30-6:30, and it's great! I end up with a day to sleep in in the middle, or I can go in in the afternoon and work some overtime.
It is rough to look at our self objectively and be proud of our accomplishments, we tend to look back and ask how could I have done this better.
Take a few moments to acknowledge that your hard work got you where you are today and that s a reat accomplishment. a little reminder goes a long way.
As for my favorite thing about my job, well when I land a new one that will be it.
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