I can't even imagine what she is going through. The whole situation reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister about a month ago. We got on the topic of how lucky we are to not have anyone really close to us die so far in our 30+ years of life. We were really too young when my dad's parents died (plus they lived out of state) and although I was in high school when maternal grandmother died, she also lived in a different state and we only saw her 2-3 times a year. Honestly, I have been very lucky. No friends, family, or anyone else that has been really close to me has died.
The conversation with my sister turned to how crappy we are at trying to comfort someone that has had a recent death of someone close to them. Because I have no basis on what people need or want when they are grieving, I am often at a loss for words and have sometimes pulled away because I wasn't sure I could be of much help.* I know, it is awful. Pulling away when a friend is at a time of great need. But I don't want to upset them more with something that I say and frankly, I don't know WHAT to say. Nothing I say will make the grieving process go faster. But I want them to be better. I don't want to see them sad.
Thinking of that conversation reminded me of how often people pull away because they aren't sure how to handle a situation and what to say. I have read a lot of blogs complaining about friends pulling away from an infertile blogger. Well, maybe this situation is quite similar to how I handle a grieving friend. The person hasn't been through infertility and doesn't know what to say. Maybe they have said something like "just relax" or "keep practicing- at least you are having a lot of sex" in the past and have been chided for saying something insensitive. Maybe they haven't had a miscarriage- either because they were able to go through pregnancy without a problem or they are not in a place where they want kids yet. Either way, they may just not know how to handle what you are going through.
I have friends that ask questions and are good about keeping up with what is going on with my infertility. But my best friend- MY BEST FRIEND- never asks. EVER. Sometimes I volunteer information, but she never asks questions or follows up. Because you know what? She is not thinking about pregnancy at this time. She is getting ready to move in with her boyfriend (first time moving in with a guy she is dating) and it's a big deal for her. Marriage is probably on the horizon fairly soon, but moving in and the worries about whether the two of them will survive living together after living alone for many, many years are at the top of her list. Not infertility. I have a couple of fertile college friends (literally the month after they threw away their birth control they were pregnant) that know that we have been trying for a while. Ever since I told them about our problems earlier this year, I haven't heard one peep from them asking what is going on.
While some infertile bloggers out there deal with too much meddling into their reproductive (or lack there of) life, I suffer from lack of meddling from people in my life. But I try to remember that just as I don't know what questions to ask, what a person needs, and what to say or not say to a grieving friend, some of my friends may feel the same way about my infertility. So I discuss other things that are going on in my life with them and keep the infertility talk for other friends that ask or are also having problems. So to sum up, I think that people who are inexperienced in a subject may feel uncomfortable with what to say or do in a situation. It's not that they don't care, but they don't want to make the situation worse or the person even more upset.
As far as my acquaintance, I did end up sending a message via Facebook (I don't have her email and she lives on the East coast) expressing my condolences. I also sent her the URL of a blog that I used to read of a woman in Australia who had a very similar thing happen to her. I said that I wasn't sure if reading the blog would help, but that I was sending it along just in case. Did I say the right thing? Was it right to send her the URL of that blog? I don't know. But I hope that she knows that I am thinking about her during this awful time in her life.
*I find this is true even in the infertility world. I am always at a loss of what to say to a blogger that has had a miscarriage.
11 comments:
That's incredibly hard. I think you did the right thing and you are right about people shying away.
BTW, did you get my email?
What an awful situation. I think what you did was right. It's so hard to figure out how to respond, but I would say that just like with infertility, platitudes and cliches don't help, but honest statements of support and caring do.
My cousin-in-law is an infertile. She and her partner conceived and then they lost the baby at 27 days to SIDS. She had lots of thoughts on how and what people should say, but I think, in the end, no one thing is safe. What some will take great comfort in others will be deeply offended by. We aren't programmed to expect tragedy and grief. It is really hard to handle. I think your response was kind and compassionate and that is all we can ask for.
Wow. Just wow. I had to go back and read the first paragraph twice. How absolutely tragic.
I think you did the right thing. Honestly, there aren't any words you can offer than will be "right." I think people just need to know that you are thinking of them. Someone once gave me good advice regarding tragedy of any kind. Right now, mark your calendar one month from now and then two months from now and then six months from now as a reminder to check in with her. Sympathy usually dies down pretty quickly and people really need long term condolences. I hope that makes sense....
How devestating for your friend.
Everyone is different in how they want to be approached. My brother died when I was 21, and I started throwing away the sympathy cards without even opening them because I hated all of the reminders that he was gone.
Sometimes being straightforward is the best approach. "Would you like to talk about XYZ, or can I be there for you by taking your mind off of it?"
what a terrible thing to have to live through. i don't think any words can do any help, but you let her know you are thinking of her and gave her a tool that might help her one day. that's probably the best thing anyone could have done.
After my last miscarriage I realized that less is not more. I used to struggle with what to say to people when they were grieving too. I tended to keep my distance and not say much, just hoping they knew I was thinking of them. Now having been the one to grieve, I realized how much I needed that support- in any form it came. There are never good words to say, but just the gesture of reaching out speaks volumes. I think you did the right thing for your friend. Maybe even check in on her in a few weeks. When tragedy strikes, people usually flood in- and then out just as quickly leaving that person all alone in the aftermath.
OMG - that is SO awful.. that is just so, so awful.
Well, I've had people close to me (my Dad, for one) pass away and I can safely say that the thing that helps is presence.. And the good news is people don't need you to talk about what's actually going on all the time, it's probably a relief if you distract them. (I get jokey, it's my forte). And if it were me I'd take special care to check in with her when people stop doing it (which happens shockingly fast).
Good Lord. don't know her, but thinking of her.
How sad and awful. I can't even imagine.
I think you did the right thing, just reaching out and showing her you are thinking about her is really all you can do. I'm with you, it's really hard to know what to say in situations like that.
My friends and family don't really ask about my fertility struggles either but I think it's mostly my fault because I'm not very open about it. It is a lot easier to just not bring it up if it makes other people uncomfortable.
Prior to my brother passing away last year, I always felt the same as you...never really sure what to say!
I'm so glad you reached out to her, but even more that you put it in writing. Everything becomes such a blur after such a tragic event, that it wasn't until months later that I started to remember all the people who had reached out to me. Some of those people put it in writing through FB or email and I was able to go back through and read it again and actually process the words written.
My biggest piece of advice (based on my experience), is to make sure that you reach out more than once. Like I said, the first few days/weeks will be a blur. It's the months after everyone has gone back to their regular routines that become the hardest to handle. At this point the person grieving will also start to feel as though too much time has passed and people expect them to be done hurting...to be done grieving.
This will add a feeling of guilt and embarassment. Thinking that people don't want to hear about your feelings and your pain because "too much time has passed".
Please continue to feel sympathy for what this person may be going through...even if it is months, even years from now.
What a horrible tragedy.
And I think your approach sounds spot on. It's so hard to know what people want (if anything) but I think the trying is the important thing.
And I agree with the other commenters to reach out again in future months when the immediate chaos has quieted down.
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