I wish I could say that I had a better day today. Nothing specifically went wrong. I woke up with my usual routine, took Buster to doggie daycare, and worked from home. I guess I didn't start feeling odd until late afternoon. I finished my work day, did a few things outside, and then came inside to paint the living room.
Instead of feeling happy that I was going to finish painting the room, I felt depressed and emotional. While inexplicably angry at CP I rolled the paint onto the wall.
I finished the first coat and went to pick Buster up. On the car ride over, all I could think about was wanting to cry. I couldn't figure out the reason for my sadness and tried to hold back the tears. By the time I got home, the hormonal episode was over and I settled down to eat dinner.
By the time I started painting the second coat, I was wondering if I am more depressed than I think. I impressed my boss' boss yesterday and today, but I am basically feeling like I could give two craps about my job right now. I am generally unmotivated at night (tonight's painting notwithstanding), but then again, on the days that I head into the city, I am away from the house almost 12 hours. I am not feeling very social either.
I actually had the thought that I may want to see a therapist for the first time soon- maybe someone that specializes in infertility? Of course, that's only if insurance will cover it since we really can't afford that right now. And most likely, I would not tell CP about going because he would probably scoff at the idea. I do love my manly man, but sometimes I wish he was a bit more sensitive.
Of course all of what I am feeling may stem with what is going on with this cycle. (This may get to be TMI for some people.) On Saturday I hit Day 15 and took a bathroom break while painting. I ended up passing a reddish/brown clot about the size of my pinky fingernail. Not sure what that was about. Every day since then every time I have gone to the bathroom I have seen brown and have had mild cramping. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I'm wondering if I may have passed one of my fibroids- which would be great news (but really only if I passed both of them). The nurse didn't seem too worried about it, but said if I start to see red too early for my period, I would need to come in for an ultrasound because my body may be trying to pass something and not getting all of it out. Whatever it is, it's really weird that this is mid-cycle AND that I don't think that I ovulated.
So I am hormonal from whatever is going on with my body? Or depressed? That is the question.
8 comments:
I wouldn't be surprised if some of it is hormonal, but if I'm honest, I think there might be more depression there than you realize. With *everything* you've been going through--the move, the job, the health stuff, the infertility stuff--you've got a lot to weigh you down. It might not be a bad idea to try and find someone to talk to, even if it's just once a month or something.
(But I'm now a firm believer in the benefits of therapy, so grain of salt and all that).
Either way, I hope things clear up for you soon--you need a break!
I am so sorry for all that is going on. Sending you a big big hug!!!
If your insurance covers therapy, you might as well give it a try. It can't hurt, anyway! Sorry you're going through so much. I hope that was one of your fibroids passing!
I'm sorry you're having a tough ride at the moment. It certainly does sound like what I know to be depression. I think therapy would be great, I have only been once and I love it! at the same time I hope CP doesn't scoff at the idea. I guess guys just struggle to understand the need we gals have to talk talk talk it out.
Hope you feel a little better soon. Hugs :)
I'm a fan of therapy so I would say go for it. It's really nice to have a space to say exactly what you are thinking without worrying about not offending someone or if it's "fair" to say that or whatever else can make straight talk tricky.
You have been going through a lot of stuff and even positive stressors can be difficult (like the move closer to family). Talk therapy can help, even if true depression isn't present.
Thinking of you!
Even if you're not clinically depressed, it's clear you have a lot going on in your life, a lot going through your head and don't always have the right outlets for release (the mere fact CP wouldn't support therapy being one of them) ... if you're open to it, you might find therapy to be very helpful during the time.
That is very strange what happened on cycle day 15.
Your mood might just be mood, but if it seems like it's more often than not, it could be depression creeping on. That's the tough thing about depression, you just keep convincing yourself that it's okay or you'll get through, and then you find yourself in the thick of it. I've had two depressive episodes in my life and both came after a LOT of change and drama/trauma. I think my head got out of whack. The second time I was quicker to pick up on the symptoms, but mostly they are just like you said. Just not feeling quite right, or not laughing at things, or feeling much of anything.
I was hoping the move and all the exciting changes for you would shock your body into gear, it can do that you know. Expect the unexpected. :)
Take care of you!
My EAP through work covered my first six sessions with a therapist completely. That might be an option if you have EAP and you don't really want the other half to know about it. I used someone who specialized in grief counseling. I couldn't find anyone in the EAP that did infertility, and I figured that was close enough. I do think it helped. Just having a place to go and cry for an hour helped.
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