Lately I have been having a lot of thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy.
Guilt: When I would come back from RESOLVE meetings I would sometimes tell CP about some of the other women/couples. My theory was that I knew how we might have a potentially long and tough road ahead with IVF from reading blogger stories and from hearing stories of women in the RESOLVE group. I was trying to prepare him for the possibility that things wouldn't go well. Well, what do you know- I get pregnant on the first IVF try. I know that I am incredibly lucky and I obviously wouldn't want it any other way, but I also feel like CP doesn't get how hard this process is for some couples. Sure we didn't have a positive pregnancy test for almost three years....but I still feel as if we got off easy (forgetting the major surgery I had to have of course). I didn't get completely hormonal from the IVF drugs, I didn't get OHSS, I wasn't in a lot of pain after the retrieval, and we had no problems with the transfer. Of course I am happy about all of those things, but maybe I'm feeling a little guilty because so far the IVF process has been drama-free. Other than the SCH, I'm not sure this could have gone any better? And I still feel guilty about all of you that have been trying so hard- why was I lucky on my first shot?
Protective: As we inch closer and closer to the end of the first trimester, I get more and more protective of the pregnancy (despite still not believing that there is in fact a baby in me). My worry that the pregnancy will be snatched away at the last minute also increases. There is nothing I can do about it and I really try to stay positive, but there is still a chance of miscarrying from a chromosomal abnormality. Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks and I'm just really worried that we will come so close to then be crushed at the last second. I could see this being a theme throughout the pregnancy if it continues....getting more and more nervous as I get closer to milestones such as big ultrasounds, viability, and of course delivery.
Are any of these normal feelings?
16 comments:
I understand the not belonging feeling. I sobbed like a crazy woman the first time I went to the OB. Like all out ugly cry and she looked horrified. I also had an insanely easy pregnancy thus far and often forgot I was pregnant. Even now, at 32 weeks with an obvious bump and a baby who boxes my belly button every night, I still am occasionally caught off guard. I don't feel like I fit in with the normal pregnant women and I really struggle through things like prenatal yoga. I don't know if this ever completely goes away for us. I do know that it lessens when you have reminders regularly of the life inside of you. I wish I had magical words of wisdom here, but I really don't.
As for the guilt issue: don't beat yourself up. We all have hard runs in our own way. Three years of struggling is NOTHING to sneeze at, girl. We all fight the hardest fights of our lives for our baby. While your fight might not be as harrowing as some, it is still one of the hardest things you have been through and should not be played down.
Enjoy this time, enjoy this pregnancy and enjoy the fact that you have finally arrived. Everything else will come in due time! xoxo
I think it's really important to acknowledge all of these complicated things that you are feeling. Once your friends and family know, they'll just say "congrats" all the time and not realize how scared you are that it could all end. I totally felt like it wasn't real. Don't at all feel guilty about it being "easy." Three years and IVF is not easy in the slightest. It's true that it can be harder for others, but you have definitely not had it easy!
I'm not sure if I posted this here or not, but one thing that helped me was saying "I'm pregnant today" and being happy with that. Try not to worry about the future too much because you have absolutely no control and also there is no reason that it won't be really easy physically from here on out.
I completely understand what you mean when you think that maybe it's "lack of morning sickness" that contributes to your feeling like an "imposter". I had zero morning sickness, and at times even "wished" for it so I'd feel pregnant. I finally started feeling pregnant when my bump became visible. Each day I am pregnant is a gift and a blessing I would recite to myself. I would try very hard not to worry about what-ifs (nearly impossible, I know!) I mean, even now I have slight anxiety about my shower being planned for when I'm 36 weeks. "What if....?" So, even with a "normal" pregnancy the doubts in your head may not 100% disappear, but I think once you reach the 12-week mark you may find that breathing gets a little easier. 10 weeks is major - even by then the chances of m/c go down drastically. My OB was reassuring me of this when I told her "2 more weeks and I can announce!" at my 10-week. Sorry this comment is such a book. I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone with all these doubts and fears. Here to support you! :) xoxo
I think it's all pretty normal, and although I don't have any great advice for how to deal, I hope you'll go easy on yourself and not worry too much (I know, I know...). You fought hard to get here and you deserve to enjoy it!
I could have written practically every word you wrote. I have started to feel the baby move this week and am starting to get more of a shape to me now. I will be 17 weeks on Thursday but still feel like a fake. What you are feeling is completely normal or we are both not normal lol.
I felt very much the same way. I did have morning sickness, sore boobs, and crazy bloating, but it didn't matter - I still just felt like I couldn't really embrace the fact that I was pregnant. I found it hard to believe that everything would work out and that I would actually end up having a baby.
I can say that it got a little easier over time. Getting past the first trimester helped, but really, it wasn't until I could feel the baby move that I really felt ok about things, and I STILL get nervous before every doctor's appointment. It's all sort of surreal, but I think it's normal (at least to me!).
Oh gawd, the first trimester is just the worst, regardless of what symptoms you do or don't have -- it's just counting down the days until that 12-week ultrasound and the day when your chances of miscarriage drop substantially. Just keep telling yourself it's only two more weeks until you can "relax" -- and by relax I mean freak out maybe 10% of each day rather than 90% of each day. :)
I hope that when your ultrasound pics start looking more and more like a human baby, and when you start showing, you'll feel "really" pregnant. I think that would help me, but what do I know, I've never been there :)
I understand the guilt-- but really, you have NO reason to feel guilty. Three years is a long time. And yes, you got lucky on your first IVF cycle. And you deserve it!!!
I think when you face IF you tend to be more overly cautious and more suspicious if it is possible. It took a bit of time to really feel like I was pregnant. I just took each week as a milestone and then as my tummy got bigger and the u/s were more human and less like gummy bears it became real.
The first trimester is horrible. It's full of so many unknowns and you're just praying that you make it to the 2nd trimester. I'm finding that the 2nd is still full of so many questions and fears, but not like the first.
I totally get the feeling like an imposter thing. I had morning sickness but it wasn't horrible. I'm even starting to show a little now and I still feel out of place. I see all these happy pregnant women that don't seem to have a care in the world as they proudly show off their bump. I feel like I need to hide mine out of fear that something will go wrong if I let the world know. We still have yet to officially announce to the world. I think I may be ready to soon.
I feel like I'm rambling, but please know I'm here for you! It's tough but you'll get through it. One day at a time!
I think all of the feelings you expressed here are very normal. What was hard for me to grasp during my pregnancy was the fact that OBs see pregnant women all day, everyday. Something that is incredibly emotional for us is, for lack of a better description, just their job. Try not to take it personally when they don't share with you the same ups and downs, insecurities and the like. They are coming at this from a very different perspective.
These are all totally normal feelings. Even with a visible bump and plenty of symptoms I still feel like an imposter. When people talk to me about pregnancy and baby things I feel like they are talking to the wrong person. I don't feel like I fit in with normal pregnant women at all.
As far as the worry, I think it will lessen as you get past the first trimester but it won't ever really go away. I had an ultrasound this morning at just past 14 weeks and I was still nervous there would be something wrong and I only relax when I see both heartbeats.
It's a crazy thing IF does to us. I am hoping you will start believing in your pregnancy soon. You deserve to enjoy it and celebrate it.
I didn't struggle to get pregnant like you did, but a lot of these feelings are very familiar to me as well. I also had this weird feeling when I had an ultrasound like now I had medical PROOF that I was pregnant and people would know that I wasn't just faking it. And I also got nervous before every appointment until I started feeling the baby move regularly--and even then he would sometimes not move as much as other times and I would panic. And I absolutely feel guilty for having gotten pregnant so easily when I have other friends facing enormous struggles. So yes, these feelings are totally normal and I'm sure the three years it took you to get to this point are only making those feelings even more pronounced.
I had a lot of survivor's guilt during the five minutes when I was pregnant, and asked 'why me' when there were so many who had been trying longer and had been through harder situations. It was also hard to identify with other infertiles as they had been struggling for so much longer. I'm being petty but I feel that if I do get knocked up again, my clueless friend Myrtle won't get it that even the pregnancy experience is totally different when you've battled infertility. I agree with the notion of enjoy the pregnancy every day. I loved all 14 days of mine
I think most infertile women (and maybe even some VERY fertile women) wear that guilt - and you've had a hard journey on our own: I'm glad it only took one go for you! xxx
Being one of those gals that has been on the IF train for over 13 years, I can easily say that there is no reason to feel guilty, at least on my behalf. I am so incredibly happy for you! However, I understand every concern and felt the same way for the short time I was pregnant. I'd say that your big boobs and constant peeing are very good pregnancy symptoms.
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