Motto

“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted your time. And if you are caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen, you’ve lived it twice.” -Michael J. Fox

7.15.2014

The End

Last Monday I went through the usual morning routine while CP was still in Thailand. I got Izzy up, changed her and went to nurse her when she started hysterically crying. I was very confused but kept trying to nurse her. She kept pushing away, crying, until I finally decided that I would make a bottle of formula and pump while I fed it to her. All week she refused to nurse in the morning and then halfway through the week she started refusing her bedtime feedings as well. "That's it" I told myself. The end of nursing. Just like that. I wasn't ready for it to really be the end and I burst out crying as well.

I searched the internet for possible reasons. There were a bunch suggested on various websites and most agreed that a baby wouldn't self-wean at 7.5 months old. Message board posters said that nursing strikes could last a week or as long as a month.

I am leaving for a work trip at the end of the month so my original plan was that I would continue nursing/pumping through that trip so that it wasn't a shock to Izzy for her mother to leave for 5 days AND to suddenly not nurse. But then Izzy started her nursing strike. I didn't know how long it would last but I knew that I didn't want to pump instead of nurse. Nursing at this age was so easy- no issues with whether or not she was latching correctly, easy on/off and it didn't even take that long anymore. My only issue was that she occasionally bit my nipples. But I still hate pumping with a passion.

So I decided that it was time to wean in hopes that I wouldn't have to bring my pump on my work trip in a few weeks.  Suddenly, instead of trying to produce as much milk as possible, I was trying to decrease my milk production to zero. What a mind-f*ck. A neighbor advised me to try to do it quickly because she was a crying, hormonal mess when weaning....but as soon as she was done she felt free as a bird. 

All this weekend I did my best to tank my supply by only hand expressing when I had to. It's still probably going to take a few weeks until I am fully in the clear (especially on my right boob since I was still producing a ton of milk). I am doing my best to think positively about it. I no longer will have to wear nursing bras. I will soon no longer have to leave work to pump. I no longer have to bring bottles and a cooler to work. I can wake up later every morning. CP can take more of the feeds every day. If I get back into running I will no longer have to worry about if I just pumped or nursed before heading out. And, I'm crossing my fingers that my boobs shrink a bit.

Yesterday morning I got Izzy to nurse a little after her formula bottle to help with my engorged breast and as much as I poo-poo'ed it before, nursing really is quite the bonding experience. Once you get through the hell of the first couple of weeks it is truly amazing and something that I am so glad that Izzy and I were able to share for 7.5 months. I will definitely miss it but we have had a good run after a shaky start. At least I have enough milk in the freezer to give her two bottles of breastmilk a day into early August.....that will ease my mother's guilt at least a little bit....

10 comments:

Amber said...

Babies are so funny in what they decide to like/not like. It's crazy! I'm sorry she went on strike. I can imagine how ill prepared you'd be for that! I love how you are looking at the positives in it though.

jAllen said...

My mother recalls that I boycotted the breast at 3 months

Esperanza said...

Sage! A teaspoon of dried sage 2-3 tunes a day does wonders for drying up milk. I used it and went from 40oz to nothing in less than two weeks.

I'm sorry you had to stop before you were ready. I know all too well how hard that is.

Gypsy Mama said...

aww how bittersweet! I heard vicks vapo rub works too...

Navigating the Mothership said...

The hormones are so intense with decreasing/stopping nursing. So so intense. Feel proud of yourself for all these months you nursed!

Anonymous said...

You nursed for a long time. And Izzy is kind of deciding to stop herself, so don't feel guilty. It's not like you're withholding food from her!
I can imagine it is bittersweet though, and I'm sure I'll feel the same way, no matter when I wean her.
My daughter will refuse to nurse in the mornings if she has to poop. It happens several times a week, and even knowing why she's doing it, there is something so frustrating and sad about them refusing. At least for me. I'm not sure I could deal with an extended nursing strike!
I hope this transition goes smoothly for you.

JustHeather said...

Oh how bittersweet and tons of emotions that are tied to breastfeeding and the stopping of it. *big hugs* I had a friend whose little girl would scream at the sight of her breast around 5 months. The daughter just plain out right refused it any more. You're not alone in the child stopping before the mom is ready. Congrats on being able to breastfeed for as long as you did. And if you are up for it, try to continue a bit longer, or don't. It's up to you all. Izzy will still grow up healthy and happy, either way.

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

I'm glad you got that bonding time with Iz for 7.5 months.

JenS said...

I took a loooong time to wean. Mostly because I had clogged ducts and mastitis a couple times and I didn't want that again. It was really emotional and sometimes painful, but I remember feeling pretty free once I was finally done. I don't miss it at all, but I was also pumping exclusively so I'm sure I would miss it more if I was nursing. Sorry it happened so abruptly, but at least you were able to do it for as long as Izzy wanted.

Anonymous said...

So fascinating that she appears ready to wean this early... I think you're right, though, to follow her cues. If she's done, she's done! Will be very curious to see how you decrease supply and get back to normal -- part of me can't wait for that day and another part of me is dreading it (typical, I guess)!