When I look back on this blog, around 7 months with Izzy I was pumping close to 20oz A DAY. Half a month later she went on her nursing strike. The last time I pumped (a little over a week ago so right around Wes' 8 month birthday) I only got 2 oz in about 20 minutes of pumping. Wes shows no signs of wanting to stop nursing but yet I feel as if my supply is barely hanging on by a thread. It's really not fair and I can't help but feel guilty that my trips away in January and February where I had to pump instead of nurse killed my supply. Dropping pumps during the work day certainly hasn't helped...but it has made me much happier.
While I am really sad about the fact that my supply is drying up, I am unwilling to pump- something that if I started to do again religiously I probably could increase my supply at least a little bit. Sometimes being a working mom is so hard. If I could just nurse all day then I'm sure that I would have a much better supply and I could feed Wes a smaller amount of formula than what he is currently drinking. I would have no problems doing that. But pumping? I think that I hate pumping even more this time around than I did last time.
Once again, I should try to think of the benefits to not nursing anymore. I get a few minutes in the morning back. I can put Izzy to bed more often instead of Wes every night. I have an overnight work trip at the very end of this month where I won't have to worry about pumping. I can get off the crappy minipill that makes me bleed for 2-3 weeks a month and go on a pill where I would only get my period four times a year.
When my supply does go, I'm sure that I will shed more than one tear. I have about 20 bags of breastmilk in the freezer so Wes will continue to get milk for a little over half a month. That will have to be enough. I made it further than I did with Izzy and although I am not ready to stop (ONCE AGAIN), I will eventually be okay.
6 comments:
This is such a hard situation. Wishing you peace as you navigate through it.
I think you did an amazing job even making it this far with working and traveling. Most people wouldn't even put in all the effort!! Pat yourself on the back and try to move on...you went above and beyond in my opinion.
It is a very emotional thing. I'm going through it right now, too. There will always be that mommy guilt no matter what we have done. Give your heart some time to process this.
it is so emotional and so hard to say goodbye. I went through a full five stages of grief over breastfeeding cessation. Looking back, I'm glad we stopped when we did, we had a peaceful transition. Like the say in show business, maybe it's best to leave them wanting more that to stay too long. When I did the math, we really didn't save that much, I think it would have cost $1,500 for formula for the year -barely a drop in the bucket compared to IVF costs.
Pumping is SO HARD. And being a working mom is even harder. No shame! You are doing an awesome job, 8 months is nothing to sneeze at :)
Coming from someone who never made it past one month of attempting to breastfeed and pump, I think you've done AMAZING! I'm just sorry that this decision isn't able to be on your terms. I imagine that makes it so hard emotionally. So much kudos to you though, for accomplishing 8 solid months of nursing.
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