This weekend we headed up to my parent's place in MI again for some family time. After Izzy went to bed my sister wanted to play a game where you ask "thought-provoking" questions to each other like "If money were no object what one thing would you do for someone in your life?"
For the most part some of the questions were silly but one in particular stuck in my mind- "Do you think you live more in the past, present, or future?"
Prior to trying to have a baby, I would have definitely said present. Once we were trying and failing every month and then starting to go through fertility treatments, my answer would have changed to future. Wishing the two week wait would go faster, wishing my 3-month Lupron shot and surgery would be here sooner, wishing my IVF cycle would go faster to find out if I was going to get pregnant, etc.
Once I made it through the first trimester, I mostly relaxed and enjoyed the pregnancy instead of trying to speed it up. That present feeling continued for about the first year of Izzy, as I soaked up motherhood and my amazing daughter. It was a nice respite from the constant wishing of the future.
But once we started down the rabbit hole of treatments again, I have slipped back into living in the future. The miscarriage and now having to wait for CMV clearance hadn't helped matters. I am back to wishing and hoping that August and September fly by and I don't know how to stop this feeling. It is quite possible it won't go away until a second child is safely gestating in my uterus or we no longer have the will or means to try for a sibling for Izzy.
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8 comments:
*HUGS* I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you get your clearance soon.
My answer to that question also changes depending on what I'm going through, especially when trying to conceive.
Sorry to hear of your loss.
I agree - I can think of various times during my life that the answer would be completely different. Sending good thoughts your way.
That is such a good and heart twisting question. If I'm honest, I would say that I live mostly in the future, too. How can it not when you're in this process of trying to build the future you want?
I've always struggled to live in the present. Fertility treatment doesn't make it any easier. I tthink just being aware of your mindframe is half the battle.
I am guilty of living in the future too. I constantly feel like life will get better when I get to X, Y or Z. It's a horrible habit.
I think I tend to live in the present. It's helpful for a lot of things (like getting through difficult crap like miscarraiges...) but I think that it makes me look shallow or uncaring to some people, since it looks like I "move on" easier than other people. I don't think it's true, I think I just process things differently, but I do think I have it easier this way since I AM able to distract myself with things in the present more easily.
Sooooo....Hugs again to you. I'm so sorry.
Also, I meant to include the following when I replied to your comment on my post about this summer....my son has a new friend in his class at school & her name is Izzy:-) He's forever telling me "Izzy my friend" and every time I think of your Izzy;-)
I think the switching from past/future/present is normal for all of us, dependent on our situational circumstances. That doesn't necessarily make it any easy to cope with the switching or the reasons we are/aren't switching. Hugs to you, my dear.
xox
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