A decision I didn't want to think about

Recently I had to take my first pregnancy test of my life. Buying it at CVS was the weirdest feeling. I picked up an inexpensive test as I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on a “first response” or similar test because at that point, I would have already been almost two months pregnant anyway.

I stood in line, pregnancy test in one hand, while waiting to pick up my birth control pills. How ironic. I felt nervous, like everyone was looking at the test and judging me. I even tried to make my left hand more noticeable to show off the ring, lest they think that I was some whore who randomly got pregnant by a one night stand.

I ended up picking up the test because after switching birth control pills two months ago, I did not have a period after the first pack of pills. Talk about nerve racking. I called the doctor’s office from work the afternoon before I was to start my new pack, asking to speak to someone. Unfortunately, they called me back when I was on the commuter bus that night! How embarrassing to have to discuss my issue with a quiet bus of strangers, but I needed answers. The nurse wasn’t very helpful, telling me that she didn’t think I was pregnant, but if I was really worried about it I could take a pregnancy test before starting my next pill pack.

I think that it was out of fear alone that I didn’t take a pregnancy test that month. I was very nervous and even thought about not telling CP what was going on. What if I was pregnant and he decided to leave me? But logical thoughts got a hold of me. CP seemed more nonchalant than I thought he would be.

As the next month dragged on, CP and I made jokes about me being pregnant. Maybe that is why I wasn’t losing weight despite the smoothie diet and all of the gym workouts? We joked that I shouldn’t carry the luggage in the airport because I might “hurt the baby.” Yes, we were awful. I even wondered whether I should be drinking at Christmas, or our engagement party. What if I truly was pregnant?

As the second pill pack started to wind down and a trip to Mexico with tequila and other alcoholic drinks loomed, I started to get nervous again. I felt that it was time to find out the truth. CP suggested that I wait until the next morning to pee on the stick (how did he know that you are supposed to pee on it in the morning (because there are more hormones in your urine in the morning) and I didn’t?), but I couldn’t wait. I figured that if I was truly two months into a pregnancy that the hormones would be raging and the test would be able to tell…even if I was taking the test at night.

I was so nervous that I could barely pee. Turns out, not peeing enough results in an “inconclusive” answer. All of that build up for an invalid result????!???? I took it as a good sign, thinking that if I was pregnant than I would have been pregnant long enough for it to show up on the stick.

Thankfully, my body decided to stop messing with me while we were in Mexico. After happily telling CP the news, he kind of shrugged and said, “well, we would have figured it out. We are not exactly 18 any more.”

And that is exactly how I thought of it. I mean, what awful timing, what with the wedding in October- that meant I would have had the baby a month or two before the wedding. But really, how could I justify NOT having the baby? I am in a stable, loving relationship where we live together and will tie the knot this year. We both have stable jobs. I am now 30 which doesn’t mean I am old by any means, but it makes me think about Sex in the City when Miranda gets pregnant after only having one ovary and Steve only having one ball. She muses something about this maybe being her only chance to have a child. I have no idea what my fertility or CP’s fertility is like as I have never tested it out, but you never know.

Then again, would my parents have freaked out? I have always said that I wouldn’t have a baby without being married and stable first.

Thankfully, I don’t have to make any baby decisions in the near future. And thankfully I haven’t had to go through this earlier in my life.