Back when we lived in Connecticut, CP and I were part of a Newcomers club. It was a fantastic way to meet others in our town and we ended up finding some great friends who we were sad to leave when we moved. After we settled on our house, I looked for the same sort of club in our town. There wasn't one in our town but one in a town next door that covers a few towns, all in the same school district.
I ended up signing up in September while I was in the third trimester of my pregnancy. I thought it would be like the club in Connecticut where we had events all the time. Bunco, girls night out, dinners, social events, guys nights out, etc. But this group seemed to only have sporadic events and a lot of the events were during the day. My first thought was that the club would be all stay-at-home mothers or ladies with rich husbands that don't feel the need to work. Hmm. Needless to say it was a bit ambitious to join in my third trimester and I never made it to any events.
However, a few weeks ago they had a Bunco event and CP was not traveling so I decided to check it out. Bunco is a great way to talk to a bunch of people while playing a fun game. Everyone was very nice and shocked that I was out and about after only two months of motherhood. It was a good time and it was nice to get out of the house.
The following Saturday the club had a dinner out. When we did the dinners in Connecticut it was all women; in this club it was three couples and myself. It was a little odd being the only singleton but I wouldn't have left Izzy with a babysitter anyway so if I didn't go by myself, we wouldn't have gone at all. Overall the couples were nice but what I'm finding after just two events with this club is that there is a certain passive way of trying to out-money the person you're talking to. This is sort of a weird subject because to most people my upbringing would lead them to believe that I would like to do the same thing.
The town that I grew up in is mainly made up of people that have a lot of money. We were not rich, however we did well even though we lived on the side of town that was not as well off. But just mentioning the town name to someone who knows the area would elicit a response. Growing up in this town was great. I always felt safe and it was a great community. However, around high school I started to recognize that there were a lot of snobs and a lot of people that were all about money and/or status. And that's what I hate about my town (and why I would not do well in LA). So when I left for college I was really excited to head out to the East Coast where not a lot of people would know my town, nor would they come into our relationship with any preconceived notions. Plus I was excited to get out of my town to run away from all of the snobs.
While we don't live in the same town as where I grew up, our current town sometimes elicits similar responses. There are a few areas with huge houses, but again, I'm not living in that area. Plus, remember what the house we bought used to look like? We clearly were only able to buy in this town because we bought a fixer-upper.
Getting back to my story...the school district for the Newcomers Club is very, very rich. So when I signed up, the Membership Coordinator emailed back and said "oh did you know that this is this group is for X school district?" I told her yes, but their website said that people from neighboring towns were welcome to join as well. That was my first warning sign. Then seeing that all the events were during the day and that it would be a lot of stay-at-home mothers also was another warning sign.
So at this dinner when I told people that I was from the neighboring town they seemed fine with it but a couple times tried to make sure that I knew how high their social status was. One of the women that I sat next to was telling me a story of how when she moving from downtown with her husband she absolutely loved a $1.8 million house but wasn't willing to pay that much. Of course I wanted to spit out my wine because that's insane but kept as much of a poker face as possible. Later on in the story she was complaining about having to do renovations on another house that they were looking at and her exact words were "it's not like it was a X dollar house." That X number was basically the exact amount that we paid for our house! I had to stifle in a laugh because if she saw our house she clearly would be very unimpressed.
The problem that I see is that I don't want to go back to high school and try to one up or play the "money" game with these people. I certainly can still play the game if I want to, but that's not a game that I play with my real friends and it's not a game that I would want to play with any future friends. And it is certainly not a game that CP wants to play. So I'm a bit torn. Do I continue to go to events to see if there are some people that are not all about money? I know that I did find some people in my town growing up that were not all about money or status. But with Izzy, a traveling husband, and my limited headspace or patience for this kind of bullshit is it worth it? I do want to find some people to hang out with but I guess I have to figure out whether it's worth my time. My parents suggested that I start up my own newcomers club in my town but I really wouldn't know where to start.
Thoughts?
10 comments:
I would not be able to even consider going to another event. I get too worked up about things like that. I think if I were in your position I would look for a Mom & baby club in my own town or something similar. If not, you could try volunteering at a place where you are likely to meet other like-minded people.
This is definitely a predicament, let us know how it works out!
I'm with Gypsy Mama. You have a lot on your plate and, frankly, it doesn't seem like your values align with the values of most of these members. Plus it would give you a chance to use the old break-up line: it's not you, it's me.
I'd cut my losses and find something that's a better fit. You owe it to yourself.
Third vote for cut and run! Could you maybe invite a couple of the people you did bond with out separately? Or, like Gypsy Mama said, find a Mom & baby club or something similar? This group sounds insufferable.
I agree with the others and say that it doesn't sound like you have a lot in common with these members and maybe it's best to step away sooner rather than later.
I'm all tense and stressed just reading about your experience. I can't imagine actually living it and then choosing to put myself in that situation over and over again.
This sound very odd - rare for people to be that over the top! I think you'd be much better of starting a meet-up group.
As someone from Connecticut, I could picture the exact situation you are describing. Here's my thoughts: it depends on what you want to get out of it. You might not make any true friends, but you never know. Maybe there was someone else pretending to belong as she was chocking on her wine at the scoff of an 1.8M house. If you want to make some connections that could help select the right pre-school, and gain any other inside advantages, it might be work keeping the poker face on for a few more events.
I don't think I could deal with that. I say try and find some sort of mommy group in your town. One that meets on weekends to accommodate working parents. That has to exist, right?
I agree with everyone else. If starting your own group is too much, why not try another kind of group? I like the idea of a Moms group, because you'd find other people that are in the same phase you're in.
Oh my goodness. I cannot even imagine that kind of superficial friendship. I feel sorry for those people and am so glad you don't have very much in common with them. I say move on!
That just sounds like so much work, putting up with attitude like that. I mean, it's good to have people to do things with, but not if you're going to be uncomfortable with the things they're saying.
Post a Comment