So many thoughts....

Two nights ago I headed over to a neighbor's house. She just gave birth on Halloween so I was meeting her new baby for the first time. It was pretty amazing because I have not been in the presence of a newborn since right after college (crazy huh? That's what happens when you move so much!).  My neighbor asked if I wanted to hold her baby. As I held the baby I realized that I would soon have one of my own in less than a month- WHOA.

Then last night, CP and I finally took the tour of our hospital (turns out we really didn't need it after our two trips to L & D earlier this pregnancy- oh well).  But they did show us the nursery floor and we saw a few just-born babies. Oddly enough, I almost teared up thinking of how OUR BABY is going to be in that room in a few short weeks.

I know that all first time moms are nervous about giving birth and becoming a mom. I guess I am not so nervous about the giving birth part. My fibroid/endo surgery gave me a taste of how much the c-section is going to suck- especially when I can't just lay on the couch and have CP and my mom help me- I will have a baby to take care of and I won't be able to just sleep away the pain.

But no, I worry about how I am going to react as a mother. As I have mentioned before, I didn't always think that I wanted to be a mother. I knew that I was too selfish at the time and that my relationships were not stable enough (or the men worthy enough). But after meeting CP I knew that eventually, I would like kids.

As I held my neighbor's newborn, it felt not so scary.  But then again, the newborn slept the entire time, making a few funny faces during her nap.  I thought, "I can handle this."  But this was not a screaming baby at 2am when I haven't slept in weeks.  This was not the probable pain of breastfeeding, no mommy guilt over something I likely can't control, no worrying about why the baby hasn't pooped in a few days, etc. 

Having kids means changing our life and lifestyle completely. Because we are older and more set in our ways, is that going to be harder for us?  I know we are better off because partying at bars and hanging out until the wee hours of the night is long behind us, but gone will be the days when we can come home from work and veg on the couch.  Gone will be the days when we just have to worry about the two of us and the dogs.  I know that it is going to be extremely hard, but everyone says that it is totally worth it. I wonder when I will feel that it is worth it? Is it when I hold MY child for the first time? Is it not until my kid first smiles at me?  Or is it even later?

Some people, as soon as they get pregnant, love the child inside them. I wonder if keeping the gender a surprise is keeping me from really bonding with the baby? I don't think that I am trying to protect myself in case something happens in the last few weeks.  Yes, the thought does go through my head, but for the most part I am optimistic that things will go well and in a few short weeks I will have a baby in my arms.  I have definitely felt protective of my belly and the baby throughout this pregnancy, but I can't say that I love the baby yet. I don't know anything about the baby- what it looks like, its personality, etc. For me it's hard to love something that is still not a reality.  But then I also feel bad that I don't already love the baby that has been inside me since March.

*sigh* I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about becoming a mother. I guess I will find out some of the answers to my questions and thoughts soon enough.

Books

Whoa.  It’s  been waaaaaay too long since I have done a book post (last November!!!).  Because there are so many, I will say very little and instead let the ratings guide you as to whether I liked the book or not and whether it is worth your time.

All ratings out of a possible 5 stars.  (Links go to Good Reads if you want to find out more about the book.)

Orange is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison by Piper Kerman

3 stars

Loved the Netflix series, so I thought I would check out the book.  I know that they have to make the series engaging and more interesting, but I still thought that the book would be a little better.

A White Wind Blew by James Markert

3 stars

A widowed doctor, who is also a seminary student, uses music to help treat TB patients in the 1920s.

The Boy in the Suitcase by Lene Kaaberbol, Agnete Friis   

3 stars

Bossypants by Tina Fey    

4 stars

Finally got around to reading this and it was awesome.  Tina is hilarious.

Flesh and Bone by Jefferson Bass

3 stars

Okay enough read, but the “love story” part was just silly.

Plastic-Free: How I Kicked the Plastic Habit and How You CanToo by Beth Terry  

4 stars

I briefly touched on the fact that I was reading this book in this post. Great book full of tons of ideas on how you can reduce your plastic consumption.

Poisoned: The True Story of the Deadly E. Coli Outbreak ThatChanged the Way Americans Eat by Jeff Benedict  

4 stars

This was a free Nook book.  The book is about the Jack in the Box/e.coli outbreak and how our food system changed after the outbreak.

Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir by Tre Miller Rodriguez  

4 stars

I read this author’s blog and was really interested in reading her book as well.   She was brutally honest about her husband’s death and her grief.

The Searchers: The Making of an American Legend by Glenn Frankel  

2 stars

I SLOGGED through this book after seeing a great review on it from Entertainment Weekly.  Definitely disappointing.

In the Garden of Beasts: Love, Terror, and an AmericanFamily in Hitler’s Berlin by Erik Larson  

4 stars

I really enjoyed Devil in the White City by the same author.  A true story of the American ambassador to Hitler’s Germany and his family.

Driftless by David Rhodes  

2 stars

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green  

4 stars

Haven’t read this yet?  Please do.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir by Jenny Lawson  

4 stars

Another blogger that I read and very much enjoy.  Hilarious book!

Drinking and Tweeting: And Other Brandi Blunders by Brandi Glanville   

4 stars

As you guys know, I am quite the fan of all of the Real Housewives cities.  Basically, it was what I expected- an easy read with some gossip thrown in.

Forgotten April by Robyn Bradley  

3 stars

Protector (Jane Perry #1) by Laurel Dewey 

3 stars

Free Nook book.  Not awful but at times very melodramatic.  It was not hard to figure out the killer early on.

The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution by Richard Dawkins  

3 stars

Love the premise of the book and it has a lot of good information, but I hated his “funny” asides.  He is also a little long-winded.

The Last Noel by Michael Malone 

4 stars

A free Nook book that I absolutely loved.  Great story about friendship and love between two people of different racial backgrounds.

The Last Secret of the Temple by Paul Sussman  

3 stars

Mystery/Suspense story with the added twist of an Egyptian  detective having to work with an Israeli detective.

Through a Glass Darkly by Karleen Koen  

4 stars

Historical fiction that was interesting enough…

Have you read any good books recently that you can recommend?

Lots of opinions

The good news?  Our weekend bathroom project is done.  I was able to steam the wallpaper off the walls on Friday night, CP fixed the plaster in a bunch of areas on Saturday, and on Sunday I primed and painted before we cleaned up the room.  Needless to say, that is the LAST home improvement project I am going to tackle while pregnant because today?  Well, today I am sore.  I am cranky.  I am just overall EXHAUSTED.  The other bad news?  I tried to take pictures this morning but there wasn't enough natural light in the room so they didn't look good.  You will have to wait for picture until sometime later this week...in the meantime....a cranky post!

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I am very opinionated- a fact that you have probably already figured out considering one of my tags for posts is "I have lots of opinions."  Here are some of my opinions.  They may or may not be controversial and they may offend some people.  I may be feeling a bit more passionate about them lately due to pregnancy hormones.  :-)

1. I hate the very idea of gender reveal parties.  Of course we weren't going to go down that route anyway because Baby NSC is a surprise, but really, the only people that seriously care about the gender are you, your spouse, and grandparents. Why do you need two parties for your baby anyways?   You will likely have a baby shower in a few short weeks anyway.  At my last RESOLVE meeting a woman talked about her sister-in-law who had THIRTEEN PEOPLE in the room for her 20 week ultrasound.  This is even worse!  What if they found out during the ultrasound that something was not normal? 

2. I do not have furbabies.  I might still call them puppies even though at 2.5 and almost 10 years old they are no longer puppies anymore....but they are not furbabies.  

3. I will never use the word obvi (for obvious) or bestie or totes (for totally).  I'm sure that there are other abbreviations that I am missing, but yeah, no. 

4.  I will never call myself a "mama bear." I am a human being and I will hopefully have a child coming into the world about in 3.5 weeks.  If I am being protective, I will call it just that.  Also, if my stretch marks stick around after delivery, they will not be "tiger stripes."  They are simply called stretch marks.  

5. People that have fully working iPhones that stand in line to get the newest iPhone are ridiculous.  I have a somewhat-fully working iPhone 4 (home button sometimes doesn't work) but have no desire or reason to upgrade right now.  It's working (enough) so there is no reason to upgrade simply to have the newest phone out there.  

6. One thing that has really been annoying me is how many disposable or temporary things are out there for babies.  I was in Buy Buy Baby this past weekend and saw things like disposable changing pads, disposable bibs, etc.  I get that not everyone is as worried about filling up our landfills with junk like me, but really?  I hope that people are buying these and only using them when traveling because buying these things for everyday use would be super expensive.  Just buy one wipeable bib and take it wherever you go (or buy two and keep one at home, one in the diaper bag).  The washing machine is your friend for washing changing pads, nursing pads, etc. when they get dirty.  Maybe I will feel differently once I have this baby, but right now I would rather take the time to wash what I can rather than just buying something disposable.  The consultants at BBB were helpful when CP and I first went to register there, but after doing more research, I just got annoyed with their list of "must haves."  For instance, I think that most babies sleep in their parent's room for the first couple of months.  Fine.  Most people recommend having a co-sleeper or a bassinet.  Personally, I was getting annoyed at the suggestion because why am I going to buy something that I will only use for a few months?  Instead, the Pack N Play that we will use for a couple of years when we take the kid on trips/to friend's houses/to my parent's house/etc. has a bassinet so why can't I just use that?  Saves me money and saves space in our house. 

7. People who are anti-vaccines.  Vaccines are safe and have been given out for many, many years.  In fact, they are now even safer as scientists have decreased the number of antigens found in vaccines over the years. We have been able to wipe out diseases like small pox in the US because of vaccines.  Deadly outbreaks like the measles outbreak in Texas this year are now happening because people are not getting vaccinated and it pisses me off.  I hope that members of my community and especially the kids going to my baby's daycare will be getting all of the necessary vaccines.  

8. I HATE HATE HATE when people post things to Facebook and haven't done their homework.  Does whatever the article say seem outrageous?  Well then it probably is.  Please check snopes or the like before I have to call you out.  It really seems like it is the same people that violate this rule all the time. Haven't they learned yet??

Wow some of these make me sounds like a crotchety old, cranky woman but I am just going to roll with them.

What are you opinionated about?

I think we are crazy

I think that CP and I are crazy.  I'm 35 weeks, 2 days pregnant and this weekend we have decided to partly remodel our upstairs bathroom.

Today after work I am going to take down this awful wallpaper.  

Yes, it is not only located ON THE CEILING but also ON THE BACK OF DOORS.  W.T.F.

We have no idea what we are going to find underneath the wallpaper.  Will the plaster underneath be an entire, crumbling mess?  For CP's sake I certainly hope not....but it's a definite possibility as the previous owner wallpapered the ceiling in the dining room to cover up the same problem.

For right now we are just planning on taking down the wallpaper, fixing the plaster, and painting the walls.  Completely re-doing the bathroom is not something we have any money for right now but this will at least make us feel a bit better about the room.

Here is the lovely black bathtub that we will hopefully....someday....get rid of and the lovely green floor tile.

Any suggestions on what color we should paint the walls?

You suck Biff

(You may not want to be eating when you read this)

I am very sad to report that Harry the Hemorrhoid has a new and unwelcome friend. Since I last talked about Harry, he has been a quiet tenant, really the best kind of hemorrhoid tenant you can have if you are unfortunate enough to get one.  He hasn't tried to make his presence felt for the most part and I was crossing my fingers that he would be the only surprise visitor during this pregnancy.  He really seemed like a loner and quite content to spend his days quietly hanging out to himself  (ha ha hanging).

Unfortunately, there is a new hemorrhoid in town and I have decided to name him Biff.  Biff is quite the bully and the worst tenant imaginable.  He is bigger than Harry and wants to make sure that I know that he has moved in for the long haul.  I fear that Biff may be a partier and may try to get others to crash this pregnancy as well.  :-(

I continue to not push when going to the bathroom.  I continue to not be constipated.  I continue to use the wipes with witch hazel that were helping until this weekend.  I even bought Preparation H cream to put on Biff which seemed to help a little bit, but made me feel like I was leaking something out of my butt (which I actually think is a worse feeling than the leaking from the Crinone).  I have been on numerous websites about what to do for hemorrhoids during pregnancy and the only thing that I haven't tried is a sitz bath, which can be as simple as sitting in your bathtub with warm water- I may try that tonight if I don't start to feel better.  People who go through vaginal births may talk about having to get through the "ring of fire", but I have a ring of fire going on 24/7!  Sometimes it hurts to sit.  I have now started to either hover or only put one cheek on the toilet seat because sitting down while peeing hurts too much.  And for someone that is going to the bathroom every hour while awake, the hovering is working my thigh muscles (which haven't seen a squat for exercise purposes in over 8.5 months)!

All joking aside, this really stinks.  I keep telling myself that some people have it much worse and that I should stop complaining.  That it is a very common pregnancy problem.  But it's just not a comfortable feeling and my ability to just run with whatever is going on in my body is lessening as the days tick on.  I wouldn't say that I am uncomfortable just yet (currently only in the Harry/Biff region), but my uterus has definitely been hurting more than usual these days.  And while I have been sleeping, I randomly woke up an hour before the alarm today and couldn't go back to sleep.  So I'm a bit cranky.

So yeah.....Biff you suck!!

Maternity Leave

It's no secret that the US in general has an awful policy on maternity leave.  Sure you can't lose your job through FMLA, but a lot of places don't have much (if any) benefits for women that want to spend a little time with their baby after birth.  And whadda know....my company is one of those places with no benefits.

So far I haven't complained too much about my company.  I was able to find an insurance policy that covered most of my IVF costs (the most expensive part for us was the drugs).  My insurance has also covered almost 100% of my prenatal care.  I have had no problems getting out of work to attend doctor appointments and it wasn't a problem when I had to leave work to rush to Labor and Delivery because I was bleeding.

However, when it comes to maternity leave, my company makes me sad and frustrated.  Unless I use vacation time and sick time, I will get paid exactly $0 during my maternity leave.  The ironic thing is that because we have been trying for almost three years, I have not been blowing vacation time or sick time so I have lucky saved up a bunch in case I did finally get pregnant.  Chalk up the one good thing about being infertile!

I will be taking the entire months of December, January, and February off to spend time with the baby.  As long as the baby does not decide to join the outside world early, my first day back at work will be Monday, March 3rd. I will basically use up almost all of my sick time and vacation time because we can't afford for me to not get a paycheck.

I have discussed with my boss the possibility of trying to have at least a few half days mixed into the maternity leave where I am working from home, basically just checking emails to make sure that all is well with my projects.  Some mothers that I have talked to think that this sounds crazy.  My own mother thinks that it is totally doable because two weeks after having me, she had a trial (she is a lawyer).  The day took longer than expected and she was breastfeeding so she started to leak through her suit.  But my mom is supermom and I am certainly NOT so I don't know if I will even be coherent enough to do this.  I guess I will just have to assess after about a month or so?

What do you think?  I would like to save at least a little time in case I get sick or the baby gets sick....not to mention that a vacation next year would be nice (if we can afford it of course)....

What what what?

This past weekend CP and I were talking and I mentioned that I would like to take a quick trip involving our alma mater with some of my college friends next November.  I said that I would love for him to come along (since we went to the same college), but if he didn't, he could stay home with the baby.  

He had the oddest response.  "But what if you are pregnant again next November?"

(Record scratches to a halt)  Ummm WHAT?!?

First, we need to get the current baby out of my body safe and sound before worrying about a second one.  

Second, I would like to wait AT LEAST a year before getting pregnant again- I believe that I read somewhere that ideally, you would have 18 months between the time that you deliver via c-section and getting pregnant again.  

Third, umm remember that it took us almost THREE YEARS to get pregnant.  Are you thinking that we are suddenly going to get pregnant by actually having sex (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)???  Alternatively, that's a lot of confidence that you have in our ONE frozen embryo and the frozen embryo transfer that we will have to go through.

Look, I get that CP is a few years older than me (he turned 37 in June, I turn 35 in December).  If he has the male equivalent of a biological clock, it is ticking.  I understand wanting to jump on the bandwagon sooner rather than later in completing our family.  I also understand that if the one frozen embryo doesn't thaw and/or doesn't implant, then I will have to go through another fresh IVF cycle when my eggs are no longer 34 years old.  I will be of advanced maternal age.  BUT I want to make sure that I do it safely and that we are ready.  We don't even know how we are going to react to having one child- let's see how that goes before trying to knock me up again!

It's truly amazing the things that will come out of the mouths of the male species.