Ten on Tuesday

1. How many blogs do you read every day and what are they? (I’m talking the ones you NEVER miss)

Sadly a lot of my favorite blogs don’t post very often anymore. But when I am pressed for time I make sure to read Stevie, Nicole, Kate, Starcasm (good gossip on 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom ladies) and 2birds1blog (On a bit of a hiatus because they are writing a book but HILARIOUS).

2. How many “best friends” do you have? Do you have different “besties” for different areas of your life?

First off, I really hate the word “besties.” I definitely have different close friends for different areas of my life. My best friend J is someone that I can tell anything to and she won’t judge me. I have a couple of close friends from law school that are all married/have had babies or are currently pregnant and I have been leaning on them a lot for my current issues (but not telling them about CP’s results because their husbands are good friends with CP).

3. What’s your daily make up routine?

Ha ha. Nothing. I put moisturizer on in the morning and that’s about it.

4. What is your ideal girl’s night?

Wine. Spa treatments. Gossip. Yummy finger food.

5. Do you keep up with your nails/toenails or are they au natural?

The second I do something with my fingernails, they chip so I don’t even bother. I do paint my toenails though- feet are gross!

6. What’s your best roommate story (assuming you had a roommate at some point in your life)?

My freshman year roommate in college was a druggie and a smoker so our entire room smelled of cigarette smoke. We shared a closet so that meant that my clothes smelled too. Second semester one of her friends called and accused me of helping her hide from him because she owed him money for cocaine. LOVELY. During pledging her house made her funnel vodka because she was late to an event…which made her puke all over the place and not have any control over her body. She didn’t wash her sheets for two weeks. I could not have been happier to move out after that year.

7. What’s your “go to” outfit that you wear more than anything else?

Jeans and a tshirt. A hoodie if it is cold.

8. Do you have a beauty secret?

Drinking lot of water. I can feel my skin get dry just from one night of over-indulging in alcohol.

9. Did you read Seventeen magazine growing up?

Of course!

10. How did you learn to put on makeup?

I don’t know a lot about putting on makeup, but when my best friend was a Mary Kay rep she helped me with some of the basics. Of course that was in my mid 20s….so sad!

Need rest

Once again Monday comes around and I feel like I have been run over by a truck. Unfortunately we have been too go-go-go every weekend for over a month and it's beginning to wear on both of us. This weekend was no different.

I got out of work early on Friday for the holiday weekend and proceeded to start the process of digging in the third raised garden bed. I worked on it for two hours before quitting because my back started to hurt.

Saturday morning I ran 10 miles. The run went okay for it being in the low 40s and raining the entire time. I was freaking out before we started because I noticed last week that my running shoes were rubbing the top of my left foot. I figured that if I was feeling it last week, it would definitely cause me some pain this weekend. So...although you are not supposed to break in a new pair of shoes on a long run, that's exactly what I did. Thankfully it worked out okay.

Halfway through the run we stopped at the running store for a bathroom break and water. I paused my Nike+ and then hit play when I started to run again. Sadly, about a mile and half later I checked to see how far I had gone and while the time was correct, the mileage was still calculating as if I was back at the store. UGH! I restarted the Nike+ program and kept running, but was pissed that I wasn't going to hear Lance Armstrong congratulate me on my longest run to date. I will just have to wait....

CP came home mid-afternoon and we decided to finish putting in the third raised bed. Between my run and the digging/moving wood/etc. I burned 4100 calories that day- a new record! No wonder I was so tired!

Yesterday we spent six hours moving dirt and ground-up tree stump from the second dead tree we had taken out of our front yard. We were pissed the entire day because the tree company didn't tell us that the "free mulch" we would get after the stumps were ground up wouldn't be usable for a year. Not only that, but there was so much dirt in the "mulch" that we had to sift through it using a mesh wire and wood contraption that CP put together. What a mess. But at least our front yard is looking better and I burned 3500 calories yesterday.

We almost didn't make Easter dinner last night because we were so tired. We were orginally supposed to head up to my father-in-law's place but he is having knee problems and his girlfriend broke her foot. Instead, CP grilled a pork roast, made cream of asparagus and grilled brussel sprouts. I made a strawberry rhubarb pie because after this weekend we deserved it!!

How was your Easter?

Looking back...

It's so funny to think that just three years ago I was freaking out about my life and what I was going to do. In 2008, I flew out to DC for a job fair and had high hopes. At the end of two days I had two job offers- but both of them were located in parts of the country where I wasn't willing to move. Prior to the job fair, CP and I had picked a couple of states where we were willing to move, but the best one for him and his job was going to be MA. Because he was the one with the job and I was still searching, that became the state we were planning on moving to after I graduated law school.

The night before the third day of the job fair, with two job offers in my hand but no intention of taking either of them unless they were moved to MA, I freaked out while having dinner with two of my friends from college. CP and I were not engaged so was I making a mistake moving for him? I didn't want to be "that girl" that moved for her boyfriend thinking and hoping that he was going to propose and then have something happen to our relationship. Was I going to miss out on this fantastic job opportunity because of love? A logical girl like me doesn't do something like that. But I couldn't imagine NOT moving with him.

The weekend after the job fair I flew out to Puerto Rico where CP was working. He hadn't been home to our place on the west coast in two weeks because by the time he flew home, he would basically have to get on another flight back to the island. I was still plagued with worry over missing out on a great job because I was moving with him. We went out to a nice dinner...and fought about our future. I wanted him to propose or at least give me some indication that we would be married at some point, he argued that he doesn't plan his life like that and that he hadn't gone anywhere in two and half years- what made me think that he would end the relationship just because we moved? Reassuring words from your boyfriend when you are completely freaking out. (ha)

While sometimes I am excited about change, other uncertainties make me very anxious. Moving across the country for my boyfriend made me very anxious.

Going back to the scene of the job fair this past Wednesday brought back all of those anxious memories. It's funny to think of it now because I ended up finding a job. We ended up moving to NH for me to study for the bar, and then to MA once I was done. CP did end up proposing (and has said that the night that we fought in the restaurant was the first night that he really started to think about proposing) and we obviously got married.

So while things in my personal life have stabilized (other than the 4% thing obviously), my job situation is right back to causing me anxiety. It has been for a while but I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it.....

Fun with Facebook

Holy crap am I busy AND tired. I only have enough brain cells to put together a bullets post.

• My nine mile training run on Saturday went SO MUCH BETTER than my eight mile crying run. It’s amazing how your emotional state can really affect your run. This weekend we are tackling 10 miles- the first time I will have run in the double digits!

• After my training run CP and I headed out to the breeder to meet the puppies. OH MY GOODNESS THEY WERE SO CUTE. They looked up at you with their adorable eyes and I completely fell in love with all six of them. I’m surprised I didn’t steal one. :-) The puppies are only 5 weeks old so we arrived, played with them for about an hour (which basically meant petting them and laughing at their teething issues. They were all about biting anything and everything- my foot, buttons on my sweater, my jeans, my fingers, etc.), and then they were very sleepy.

• After that we hung out with the breeder’s SIX adult dogs and that was quite overwhelming. All of them wanted attention and petting. One barked if you weren’t petting her; all of them used their nose to ask for attention. The only male in attendance (the grandfather of the puppies) who is a HUGE 120 pound dog would take swipes at your leg if you didn’t pet him before he would roll onto his side and ask for belly rubs. Adorable. CP is hoping that our dog gets to be 120 pounds; I think that he is CRAZY.

• We didn’t get to pick the puppy out, but the breeder will do it for us based on temperament. One of the males will be going to a friend of the breeder’s so there are three left. CP is hoping for the puppy that has a very large head, but honestly, they were ALL adorable so it doesn’t really matter to me. The good news is that we get to pick him up May 7th!!! I can’t believe we have less than three weeks to go!
  

Sleepy puppies


Another sleepy puppy

The adorable face!

• 
  
  This past weekend was also our last pickup of grass-fed beef for the year. I am SHOCKED that we are not sick of beef after picking up 20 pounds every month for six months. I think that we definitely would have been bored with beef if I had been cooking (chili, chili, hamburgers, etc.) but CP has been able to mix it up and we are still really enjoying it. I think that we will definitely do it again. The farm was awesome and even started selling fresh eggs!

• 
  
  One of the reasons that I love Facebook is for the ability to keep in touch with friends in different countries. Sunday was a great example of why it rocks. On our honeymoon we spent a safari day with a couple from Australia. They were really nice and we ended up having a great time with them. We friended each other on FB and have sent messages to each other once in a while for the past year and a half. A couple of months ago we got a message from them that they wanted to take a 5 week trip around the US. So we helped them plan their trip, including some time in NYC. On Sunday we met up with them at the Met and hung out with them all day. Very cool. We didn’t run out of things to talk about and it was great to catch up. So as much as I sometimes get annoyed at Facebook, there are legitimate reasons to keep a profile.

Do you have any fun Facebook stories?

Foodshare

Thank you all for your comments over the past couple of days. I have been feeling pretty depressed, but recognize that there is nothing we can do right now. We will just have to wait until later this month when CP goes in to the urologist.

There is always something that happens in my life that snaps me back into reality; a reality where yes we are having fertility problems, but at least we are lucky in so many other ways. The training that I went to last night did just that.

About two months ago I realized that not only was I not getting satisfaction from my 9-5 job, but that I really wanted to volunteer at a place that was making a huge difference in people's lives. After giving it some thought, I decided that I would try to volunteer at our local food bank. People are struggling to not only pay their mortgages and keep their jobs, but also to put food on the table. And food banks are a good way to serve that need.

So I went in and talked to the volunteer coordinator with one of my friends. After finding out our backgrounds, he immediately signed us up for the speaker's bureau. After a night of training (i.e. learning more about Foodshare) we would be able to table at community events and give tours of the warehouse. So last night we had our training.

I knew that the need for food was great, but I was amazed at some of the numbers they told us last night.

28% of food in this country is wasted- whether it is crops that aren't picked in time or food that is thrown out from our dinner plate.

In the greater Hartford area Foodshare helped 128,000 people last year. 50,000 of those people are kids, 10,000 are seniors. Those are staggering numbers because the greater Hartford area only has about 1 million people. That means over 1 in 10 people have hunger issues!

Foodshare, along with food banks across the country, doesn't give food out to people directly. They partner with local agencies (we have over 300) to get the food to those in need. They are the "middle-man."

My local Foodshare moves 16 TONS of food A DAY. Amazingly, just a $30 donation feeds one person for an entire MONTH. Most of the food is donated by wholesalers, the food industry and farmers. Local food drives do not supply the food banks- that food makes up only 3-4% of the food eventually given to the partner agencies.

Aren't those numbers jaw-dropping? And this is in Connecticut, one of the wealthiest states in the country. Think about places like Michigan, Nevada or Ohio with their high unemployment rates.

So yes, while certain aspects of my life aren't going well right now, CP and I are lucky in that we do not have any food insecurity. But there are millions of people out there that are struggling. And a donation to your local food bank or even to Feeding America could make a huge difference. So instead of giving expired cans of food away at the next food drive, consider making a donation instead.

Or volunteering! There are tons of different ways to help your local food bank. Speaking to groups, helping sort food (I sorted bread last week for 2.5 hours and burned 800 calories! So not only are you helping the hungry, but you are losing weight at the same time!), helping the warehouse with administrative tasks, etc. Coming up in a few weeks here is the Walk Against Hunger...you could raise money for your local walk and also burn calories by walking! A win-win!

(And now I feel like I sound like a Foodshare commercial or something. Ha!)

I came home last night excited about the opportunity to help others. I look forward to more bread sorting in my future and speaking about the hunger issues in CT at events. :-)

Bad swimmers Part 2

I hate that this may be something that we can’t “fix.” We could unblock my tubes. There are medications that I could take if my eggs sucked. But this? I don’t want him to feel guilty over something that he probably can’t control.

What are our prospects for getting pregnant now? We were pretty rigid in the beginning with what we were willing to do (aka nothing, all natural) to get pregnant. Maybe our narrow path has to widen in order to work with the cards we have been dealt.

My doctor suggested that CP visit a urologist to get further testing done. His appointment is later this month. He is a little nervous because the questionnaire goes into areas where CP doesn’t exactly want to get poked and prodded. For instance, it asks about his testes- the size, shape, consistency and tenderness. CP is worried that he is going to have someone tugging on his balls during an exam (LOL). It also asks about his prostate- the size, nodules, tenderness.

I tried to reassure CP that his prostate has nothing to do with reproduction but it is probably on the form for other patients. So remember how I was saying that CP is a lucky bastard because his test included doing something pleasurable? Wellll that may not be so true anymore.

Who knows if the doctor will even find anything. CP will probably get another sperm analysis done to make sure that the test results were accurate the first time. From there? I don’t know.

I think that one of the hard parts about this diagnosis is that I can’t tell anyone about it. One of my friends (by now I have told three friends of our lack of progress in the baby making department) mentioned that two of her friends were having problems with baby making because of male infertility.

But this is CP’s thing. If it was my problem then I would have no problem telling people. But what guy wants mutual friends (and their husbands because couples discuss this kind of thing) to know that he is lacking good sperm? So I can’t talk about it to anyone.

Does anyone know of any blogs about the male side of infertility? As far as we know I am good to go which is great, but it would be nice to hear from a guy’s point of view. There are tons of blogs about PCOS and other female problems, but I have yet to come across one for a couple with sperm problems.

Bad swimmers Part 1

Last week I got CP’s sperm analysis results. They were not good.

The number of sperm included in the sample is normal.

The percentage of good sperm that swim forward is normal (i.e. motility).

But the number of sperm that are considered “good sperm” is low. A normal percentage is 14-15%. CP only has 4%.

“Good sperm” have an oval head with a long tail. “Bad sperm” have head or tail defects- like an oddly-shaped head, a double head or lack a tail. The defects affect the ability of the sperm to reach and penetrate an egg.

So, I could be busting out perfectly good eggs on the regular with no good sperm in the area to complete the procreation process.

As soon as I heard I burst into tears. CP kept joking that the tests that we were having done were going to show that I was the one messing the process up. After all of those jokes, how was he going to take the news? That’s an essence of his manhood that the doctor is now telling him is defective.

Why couldn’t it just be something wrong with ME???

That night after CP got home I gave him the results. He didn’t have much to say and I didn’t want to push him to talk about it. He clearly wasn’t in the mood. It was a quiet dinner and a fairly quiet night in our house.