Diary of a Bad Year

Yesterday when driving to pick up Izzy at daycare after work, there was a story on NPR about Kelly McEvers' radio documentary "Diary of a Bad Year." Kelly recently hung up her flak jacket as a war correspondent and became a co-host on "All Things Considered", NPR's afternoon show.

I have always wondered how people could put themselves in danger; I didn't understand how they could put themselves on the front lines. Turns out that people who are attracted to extreme sports and jobs such as being a war correspondent have more dopamine in their body than those of us "boring" people. It drops for everyone over the course of their lives so that is why I did things like sky diving in my 20s but would probably think much harder about doing something like that these days.

During my walk today with Buster I listened to the hour-long documentary. I tried to hold back the tears as Kelly interviewed Sebastian Junger (writer of A Perfect Storm and War, also a former war correspondent). Sebastian said that once a close friend of his died while covering a story, he decided that he had to quit. He started to think about the fact that holding a job like his, where you are making life and death decisions every day, you are gambling with other people's sorrow. You are dead so you don't have to see the pain that you have caused others from your death. Just thinking about that concept placed a huge weight on my shoulders and chest; it literally felt like I weighed more as I tried to walk Buster.

I have thought about this before...the what would happen if I died soon. Of course I would be heartbroken to miss so much of Izzy's life, but really, I would feel much worse that I wouldn't be around for her. In the documentary Kelly also interviewed the daughter of a war correspondent and at 42, she was still upset that her father had chosen his work over spending time with her. I feel comfortable in saying that neither CP nor I chose work over Izzy. We worked so hard to have her and both chose to spend time with her over work. Once we get home from work we are present and enjoying our family time.

Already Izzy asks for CP when he is on a trip. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to have to explain over and over that Daddy wasn't coming home. Thank goodness CP and I don't need an adrenaline rush at work. I suppose that I probably could never have even married or dated someone that needed that rush.

I realize that anyone could die at any second and the fact that I am not a war correspondent doesn't make me immune from death. However, maybe I have a chance at living longer because I don't put myself in harms way on a daily basis. Either way, I would highly recommend this documentary. I still don't understand how running away from gunfire or mortar attacks could be "fun"- especially when you have a family- but recognize that war correspondents question themselves and why they want to do the work as well.