Motto

“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted your time. And if you are caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen, you’ve lived it twice.” -Michael J. Fox

9.28.2012

Today


Today I am counting the hours until I can curl up on the couch under a blanket and probably break open a bottle of wine.  It’s windy today in Chicago.

Today I am also counting down the hours until CP gets home.  Unfortunately he arrives at the same time as a first birthday party for our friends’ twins, so I won’t see him until I get back from the party.

Today I am jealous of all of the women walking around downtown Chicago with riding boots on.  I’m not morbidly obese (just barely obese per the BMI), yet my ridiculously muscular calves keep me from fitting into boots.  I even went to DSW last night and tried on all of the “wide leg” boots.  Nothing fit.  Grrrr.

Today I am hopeful that I didn’t get the flu shot for the second year in a row for nothing.  It is free through work, but I generally wouldn’t get it unless I was thinking about getting pregnant this year.

Today I am looking forward to even more shows returning on tv.  Grey’s and Scandal last night, Revenge, Homeland, Dexter, and a new show, 666 Park Avenue all start on Sunday.

Today I am excited to have found a gym in our town.  It’s less than $70/month for the two of us to join and has a pool (with lap swim hours), a basketball court, an indoor track, plenty of treadmills, stair climbers, ellipticals, bikes, etc.  It also has classes and personal trainers that you have to pay extra for, but at least they are available.  Plus it’s not that far from my house so I hope to get up in the mornings and work out!

Today I am excited that I will have spring flowers next year!  Groupon had a special yesterday for Holland Farms and with it I ordered daffodils, tulips, and crocuses.  Even if we don’t have time to take down the awful 70s bushes in the front of our house before spring, I can still plant pretty flowers that will make me feel better about the outside of our house!

Today I am happy that my boss nominated me for a project and I’m really hoping that instead of the 2-3 hours a month we are expected to work on the project, it turns into a whole lot more so that I can stay busy.

Today, along with every other day that I come downtown, I am reminded that although I hate my job and I’m bored, I’m still lucky to have a job. 

What are you feeling today?

9.27.2012

Lazy TWW


My lazy two week wait is still going strong.  CP and I had one day to make a baby this month because of his travel schedule- I’m fairly certain we timed it right, although I can’t be sure that I even ovulated because I gave up taking my temperature a while ago.  I guess that I could have used OPK sticks, but didn’t really remember in time.  Lazy, yes?  So, I’m not 100% positive that I ovulated, but the signs that I was getting close to ovulating were there.  Tuesday I had some cramping and so I fully expected to see my period yesterday or this morning, but so far, nothing.  I did end up taking a pregnancy test yesterday morning (negative of course)- I’m probably 11dpo or 12dpo?  I guess I will continue taking the progesterone which at this point is just delaying my period and test again in a few days.  But how long should I take the medicine?  And when should I decide to give up this month?  The progesterone could stave off my period for maybe as long as I keep taking it- so when should I call it in for this month?  16dpo if I am still getting negative pregnancy tests?  Tell me how long you would continue taking progesterone.

CP gets back from Europe on Saturday afternoon.  I found out yesterday that he is in town until Tuesday morning then has to fly to New Orleans for all of next week.  *sigh*  I miss my husband and know that he is probably going to cranky/tired/jet lagged when he gets back.  At least in NO I will get to talk to him on a nightly basis instead of the every two or three days while he is in Europe (it’s hard to get our schedules to match up with the 7 hour time difference).  I have no idea what we are going to do when he has to travel to Asia, but hopefully by then he will have his company phone instead of having to borrow a coworkers to call me.

While he is in New Orleans we will celebrate our 3rd anniversary (boooo for him being gone on October 3rd).  I can’t complain about it to him because there is nothing that he can do about it and I don't want to seem like the nagging wife.  Hopefully he is around for most of October though….  His company did say that his job would be 25% travel, but almost three weeks in a row is ridiculous.  I definitely worry about when we start IVF- is he even going to be in the country when I need him???

The only bright spot about CP not being here is that with him gone, I can attend my first RESOLVE meeting.  I finally decided that I would try to go to one of the support meetings to check it out.  While I do have two friends that are dealing with infertility right now, they are not in the same state.  It would be nice to meet some people face-to-face that are sharing some of the same feelings as I am.  I can’t imagine CP actually coming to a meeting with me, so I will check it out to see if I find the meeting helpful.

9.26.2012

Almost Wordless Wednesday


This past weekend my sister and I did the Storm the Stadium race at Soldier Field.  We signed up for the half climb (3000 steps up and down) only a month ago and I walked up the stairs in my building (about 900 steps) a grand total of ONE time.  I'm awesome at training for upcoming races like that.

We clearly didn't die, but the first part was not a ton of fun.  If you can see from my Microsoft Paint lines on the picture above, we started the race on the 300 level (top section).  We went up and down 7 sections, then ran down to the 100 level (lower section) and did all of the stairs on that side of the stadium.  I won't lie, the first part sucked.  I knew that the going down would be painful, but the going up was definitely hard too. I'm not in great shape right now too which doesn't help.  But we made it through the first section and headed down to the lower section.

The lower section was a lot more fun, but not really that difficult.  I was able to take the stairs two at a time both going up and going down and actually RUN the stairs.  The problem with both sections was that if you wanted to pass someone, it was quite difficult.  You either had to ask them to move into the seats or pass them in the little window you had before starting the next row.  I definitely liked the stairs climbs that I have done in the past in buildings for that reason- there is room for people to pass you or for you to pass others.

Unfortunately the race was disorganized and I would think twice about doing it again next year.  (I climbed 3000 steps and didn't even get a tshirt?  Boooo.)  They didn't have water at the end (only nasty chocolate recovery drinks), there was no bag dropoff (despite telling us that there would be a limited one in all of the emails), and the people working the event/volunteers had no idea what was going on.  But I successfully completed 3000 steps in just over 30 minutes!

Afterwards we went to the afterparty where we ended up seeing Ed from the Bachelor/Bachelor Pad fame.  I guess my sister sees him a lot out in Chicago.  The organizers unfortunately picked a bar where you had to walk downstairs to go to the bathroom.  Talk about poor organizing....

But the pain of going down stairs was even worse the next day when I went to the Cardinals/Cubs game.  I had free rooftop seats which was fantastic....but there are a lot of stairs when you want to go to the bathroom, get a drink, or get food.


Sadly, the Cubs couldn't even win for my first game back in Chicago since my bachelorette party three years ago!  Yes, you got your wish Nilsa.

Second day soreness was even worse on Monday, despite trying to stretch all the time.  I can't seem to find my foam roller or my roller stick which I'm sure would have helped.  But today is the fourth day and I am finally walking somewhat-normal again....although I am taking escalators up/down for at least another day instead of taking the stairs!!

9.25.2012

Uterine transplants

I'm not sure how many IF bloggers this story would pertain to, but possibly some hope if you have a bum uterus:


Swedes Perform Pioneering Uterine Transplants; Americans Not Far Behind  (Story from NPR)




A Swedish medical team has transplanted uteruses from two women in their 50s to their daughters. Meanwhile, Shots has learned that an Indiana group is recruiting women willing to undergo womb transplants in this country.
"We could go ahead tomorrow if we found the perfect candidate," Dr. Giuseppe Del Priore told Shots.
Del Priore says he has already interviewed a number of women, and has the approval of the ethics committee at Indiana University in Indianapolis.
While the Swedes did mother-to-daughter transplants, the Indiana group plans to rely on cadaver donors. Del Priore says he believes there would be an ample supply of suitable uteruses from current multiorgan cadaver donors.
He says tens of thousands of American women are potential candidates for uterine transplants. They include young women who have had hysterectomies for cancer,endometriosis and uterine trauma. Another group is women born without a uterus.
 
Other medical centers in the U.S. and Britain also hope to begin offering uterine transplants after a decade or so of animal research. It's the latest frontier in a medical field launched almost six decades ago with the first successful kidney transplant.
The Procedure
Uterine transplants have one unique feature: They'll be temporary.
Once a transplant recipient has achieved a successful pregnancy — or two, in the Swedish protocol — she will undergo a hysterectomy to remove the foreign uterus. That way, she won't be exposed to a lifetime of immunosuppressive drugs with their risks of increased infection and other disorders.
A 10-person team at the University of Gothenburg in Sweden did the first mother-to-daughter uterine transplants last weekend.
I don't think it's a simple discussion by any stretch. You know, when you're the patient, then you fully understand the issues. When you're just theoretically discussing these things, unless it actually hits home, I think you don't really fully understand it.
One of the recipients lost her uterus to cervical cancer. The other was born without a uterus.
"They're doing fine, both the donors and the recipients," transplant surgeon Michael Olaussontold Shots. "All four women are doing fine."
But Olausson acknowledges that the success of the experiment is far from assured. The recipients will be monitored for a year to see if the transplants settle in and behave like normal uteruses — cycling through menstrual periods, avoiding signs of rejection.
Then the doctors will implant previously frozen embryos from these women and hope all goes well. By that schedule, the outcome of the experiment will be known sometime in mid-2014.
Olausson says he's confident the transplanted uteruses can withstand the mechanical stresses of pregnancy, as well as undergo the growth and complicated remodeling necessary to carry and sustain a fetus.
A long series of experiments with mice, rats, sheep, pigs and baboons showed that these animals could accept uterine transplants and give birth to healthy offspring. "So we don't think there will be a problem," he says.
One of the women who donated her uterus to her daughter is past menopause.
"It does not really matter if they are menopausal or not because the uterus can be sort of refurbished with hormones," Olausson says. "So that's not a problem in itself."
'Don't Get Too Excited Just Yet'
Some experts are concerned about the risks of anti-rejection drugs during pregnancy — not only because of possible infection but also because of other problems, such as high blood pressure and premature delivery. But Olausson points out that as many as 15,000 women have had successful pregnancies after undergoing other organ transplants.
The Swedish uterine transplants are not the first. In 2000, a Saudi Arabian group transplanted a uterus from a live donor. But within three months, it developed blood clotting problems and had to be removed.
Last year Turkish doctors said they had transplanted a uterus into a 21-year-old woman from a cadaver donor, but experts in the field don't believe that has resulted in a pregnancy yet.
One leading U.S. obstetrician-gynecologist, Dr. Michael Green of Massachusetts General Hospital, cautioned against premature enthusiasm about uterine transplants.
"Don't get too excited quite yet," he told Shots. "[It's] too soon to make a judgment."
Green questions whether this kind of transplant is really necessary. When doctors began transplanting organs in the 1950s, '60s and '70s, they started with organs essential for life — kidneys, hearts and livers. Lately they've been doing what Green calls "optional" transplants — of limbs, voice boxes, even faces.
"Nobody needs a uterus to live, OK?" Green says. "Nobody needs a hand or a face to live, in fairness. It's a quality-of-life issue. This is in that same category. So we've opened the door. We've stepped through it. And this is one of the next logical things that people might do."
He wonders whether health care dollars should be spent on uterine transplants when a woman who lacks a uterus can turn to a surrogate mother to provide her with a child — if she can afford it, that is.
But Dr. James Grifo of New York University Medical School says he hopes the Swedish experiment and other such efforts succeed.
Grifo has done his own research on uterine transplants but abandoned that work to pursue other priorities. He said in an interview that he was uncomfortable with the possible risks. But he sympathizes with women who might want a uterine transplant.
"I don't think it's a simple discussion by any stretch," Grifo told Shots. "You know, when you're the patient, then you fully understand the issues. When you're just theoretically discussing these things, unless it actually hits home, I think you don't really fully understand it."
The Swedes plan to do 10 more uterine transplants. The next two could be in a matter of weeks.

9.22.2012

How I cope with pregnant women


Recently I was talking to a good friend of mine that had a 2nd trimester loss (22 weeks) last year. She is a few years older and has since had another (earlier) miscarriage. We were talking about infertility and she asked how I have stayed so calm throughout my TTC journey (or calm compared to her).

Please note these are my opinions and thoughts on how I try to stay positive/cope with infertility. I have never suffered a miscarriage or loss so my viewpoint may be different.

Infertility is a nasty beast but you don't have to let it drag you down. The following are things I try to remember in each situation when faced with a pregnant woman.

Random Pregnant Woman on the Street
Whenever I see a random pregnant woman on the street, my first thought is jealousy. I want to be her; I want to be pregnant. But then I try to step back and put myself in her shoes.  Maybe this stranger has been working for years to attain the pregnancy.  She could have had a number of pregnancy losses before getting pregnant. Because she is a stranger I have no idea. She could be super fertile, or she could infertile like me. Either way, as long as she doesn't throw it in my face (which would be hard to do as a stranger that I wouldn’t talk to), I try to push down my jealousy and be as happy as I can for her because I don’t know her story.

Fellow Infertility Blogger
Of course I feel the twinge of jealousy when a fellow blogger gets pregnant. I want to be able to post a positive pregnancy test!  But the one thing that I try to keep in mind is that every IF person that gets pregnant is a win for all infertiles. A pregnancy means that treatment is working! It means that no matter how many problems that couple has, their doctor has somehow worked around those obstacles!  In addition, a surprise natural pregnancy is hope for the rest of us. So I continue to follow the blogger throughout their pregnancy, supporting them, and hoping that they get their take home baby.

IRL Family and Friends
Again, here comes the jealousy.  But whenever a friend gets pregnant I am very excited for them.  I want to see their belly pictures; I want to hear how they are doing.  (Hopefully this is research for a future pregnancy!)  I have expanded the number of people that I have told about our infertility- certainly not shouting it out to the world, but at least telling people that I see or talk to fairly often.  Recently I had dinner with one of my friends from college whom I hadn’t seen in a few years (someone that I hadn’t told about our troubles).  I noticed when I ordered a drink that she didn’t (but didn’t say anything) and after she asked the waitress if a cheese was pasteurized, I knew.  After ordering, she gave me the low down- that she and her husband recently decided that they wanted to try for their second child and got pregnant the first month.  Ahhh a super fertile friend (her first pregnancy was an oops).  But she happens to have a sister that is infertile and had to go the IVF route, so she quickly followed it up by saying that she realized that she was VERY lucky and that not everyone is as lucky as her.  I do believe that because I have told more friends what is going on, it has been helpful as they are more sensitive in what they say to me.  And if they do say something that upsets me, I try to recognize that it is coming from a good place and/or educate them as to why their comment was hurtful/not helpful.

A lot of my college friends had kids early on so they have been done for a while.  A bunch of my law school friends have recently finished having kids and others are on the cusp of trying.  But no one that is trying lives around me so I won’t have to deal with hanging out around a lot of friends with pregnant bellies and/or going to baby showers.  And people at work are generally older and done having kids so no worries there.  So maybe it helps that I am somewhat protected and in my little bubble of not having to see friends that are pregnant?  Maybe it is just easier to see them on Facebook feeds and not in person?

As far as family in the area, most of my cousins are done having kids.  I have one aunt that I will see at Christmas that now has 8 grandchildren and every time I see her, she asks me when I am going to get pregnant/when CP and I are going to have kids.  I’ll be honest- it makes me want to punch her in the mouth.  Maybe I should tell her about my surgery last year- that has seemed to quiet CP’s family who no longer ask if/when we are going to have kids.  For the most part, family members are respectful and don’t ask over and over about when we will spawn although with our third anniversary coming up, I’m sure most of them are asking the question to themselves…..

Facebook Friends
Jealousy blah blah blah.  I’ll be honest, there are a few people that I am Facebook friends with that I didn’t really get along with when I went to school with them.  (I guess a good question is why am I FB friends with them???)  When I see them get pregnant and post kid pictures on their walls, I kind of want to punch them.  I don’t cope very well with pictures of their baby bellies or their kids, so maybe I should just unfriend them?

But for people that I was friends with that I don’t necessarily keep in touch with all that much, I am happy for them, while of course jealous.  Only ONE person out of my 590 Facebook friends has mentioned having trouble getting pregnant/going through infertility treatments- and it was shockingly a guy!  He mentioned once on his FB feed about going in for IVF the next day.  But other than that, I have no idea if other friends had trouble getting/staying pregnant so I try to use the same rationale of the random pregnant woman- who knows what their story is so you can’t hate them.  I also try not to worry about status updates- I can always hide people if need be and they may not know an infertile person.....so I take their posts with a grain of salt.  My view is that I wasn’t sensitive to infertility before we started trying so I shouldn’t expect others to be if they have no life experience with it. 


In the end, I can either let infertility control my entire life and be bitter about everything, or I can continue to live my life.  (While jealously is an ongoing theme, I make sure that it doesn't take over my emotions.  There are positives to not being pregnant.)  Just because I am having a problem doesn’t mean that I want other people to have to go through infertility as well.  So unless someone throws their fertility in my face or says something stupid/ignorant, I am as happy for them as I can be.  We all have our own battles and things to deal with…infertility is mine and I do my best to not let it affect others.

What do you do to cope with infertility?

9.21.2012

ICLW


Wow I can’t believe that I haven’t participated in ICLW (aka International Comment Leaving Week) since April!  Well, let me get you up to speed in what has been going on in our life since then.  (If you want the very basics about me they can be found here.)  

Sadly, IUI #2 and IUI #3 in May did not work. But we had other things to worry about because my husband CP got a job offer in Chicago.  Amazingly, we were able to sell our house in 8 days, I was able to get my job transferred to the Chicago office, and we had a final consultation with our RE before CP left for IL. 

A day after CP got to Chicago, he went to an open house for a place that had been on the market for 60+ days, then brought my father back for a second opinion the next day.  He then put an offer on the house without me even seeing it in person.  I was stuck in CT for six weeks while waiting for the sale of our house to go through while CP stayed in an extended stay hotel and started his new position.  Because we were away from each other during the right time of the month, we had to suspend baby making activities.  We were also saddened to find out that CP’s company somehow gets around the mandated infertility coverage requirement in IL and we had no coverage for IVF.  

In the beginning of August I started my new job (well, transferred job) and am still hoping for more work.  We moved into our new house and I posted pictures showing just how much work needed to be done on our new house.  After about a month in the house we finally had one room complete and a working kitchen.   Then just last week our older dog had to go in for emergency surgery for bloat. Thankfully she made it through the surgery and is doing much better.

This month we are hoping that we have a surprise pregnancy, but not counting on it.  We are looking forward to our appointment with our new RE on October 1st.

9.19.2012

Non sequitur thoughts

Thanks to all that played PLAY MY DOCTOR!  In the end, I decided to take it because after spending thousands of dollars, what's a few more in the grand scheme of things?  The leaking still sucks.

With CP in Europe, progress has slowed down on house. I thought that I would have a ton of time to work on the house while he was gone and was quite ambitious in promising all of the projects that I was going to get done.  HA HA HA.  Whoops.  Although last night I did unpack a box of blankets because I was cold while on the couch watching tv.  (FAIL)  I planned a couple of activities this weekend which means I am going to be busy in the city instead of at home doing more work.  


Speaking of this weekend, my Storm the Stadium race is coming up on Saturday.  Wanna know how many times I have done stairs?  I total of ONE time.  Another FAIL.  My excuse was that I didn't like to sweat during my lunch period and that it was too annoying to bring workout clothes on the train/commute/etc.  I did have a thought about starting to run again this week but now I don't want to tire my legs out for the race.  Here's hoping my EXTRA EXTRA RESTED legs carry me through the race.  (Buries head in shame)


Also on Saturday is an exciting day for Fuzzy Britches- she gets her surgery stitches out!  Once they are out we have to wait another day and then we can start to talk her on walks again and she will be allowed to climb stairs. I really can't wait for her to be able to climb stairs again because it has been really weird to not have the dogs in our bedroom at night.  If Buster has been around I have been keeping the two of them downstairs (so that he can keep her company), if he has been away I have been sleeping on the couch.  The one thing that she is going to miss is the Trader Joe's mini meatballs....we have been hiding her pain pills and antibiotics in them to mask their bad and bitter taste.


Quick rant here: time zones seriously suck.  Having CP in Europe 7 hours in advance is no fun.  His company hasn't given him an international phone just yet, the calling card his coworker gave him also hasn't worked so the past two days he had to borrow a coworker's phone so that he could give me a call.  And of course I'm at work so I can't talk for a long period of time.  We both downloaded Skype on our phones and hopefully that works for the rest of his trip.


What are your non sequitur thoughts for the day?