I had a perfectly lovely weekend without CP. I was able to work out Friday after work, Saturday morning, and Sunday morning. I ate healthy things and cooked a bunch of fantastic dishes. I ran errands and didn’t really think about the wedding. It was nice and relaxing and I didn’t worry even once about not talking to CP while he was at his bachelor party. He did text me “still alive” on Saturday night which was nice to know.
I chalk up my freak-out last week to hormones. Hormones and conversations that shouldn’t be had while a woman is hormoned up. Hormoned up- a new expression?
I was feeling great yesterday when CP got home. The Weight Watchers scale said that I was down another 2.8 pounds (over the course of two weeks) on Thursday, I went shopping on Saturday and felt skinny (especially after a buying a size 12 pant—for the first time in 4 years!!), and the house was clean. But after he came home and told me that they had gone to a strip club Saturday night, my stomach dropped. He said that the strip club was “by the book.” I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I think that it was his way of telling me nothing out of the ordinary happened.
I trust him, so I moved on. However, my heart could not. The confidence that I had wearing my new shirt and thinking that I looked skinny(er) was shattered. The woman (women?) that grinded on him Sat night? Are skinnier than me. No strip club would have a size 12/14 out on the floor. They were naked and grinding on MY fiancé.
Even though I put on my new sex(ier) pajamas last night (finally! A step up from oversized t-shirts from sports events 9+ years ago!) , CP was too tired from his festivities and barely noticed. Even if something would have happened, would he have been thinking about one of the strippers?
Aren’t these thoughts awful? Even in the past, I have never let a boyfriend’s trip to the strip club affect me so much. As women I don’t think that we want to be “that woman” that doesn’t allow her boyfriend/fiancé/husband to go to the strip club. We allow it, but don’t necessarily like the idea.
This morning I couldn’t stop thinking about it, emailing with three of my friends during work and worrying about it so much that I thought that I was going to get physically ill. I am a little better after my lunch time run, but I could probably still cry if I allowed myself to think about it.
Is our upcoming wedding turning me into a psycho? Not necessarily a Bridezilla but a crazy person?? I am no longer hormoned-up so I don’t have an excuse for these thoughts. What the f is wrong with me?????
5 comments:
I totally understand.
I think part of it, is that you are busy making wedding and marriage plans for life and you are in this bubble. It was the two of you making decisions, talking about the event and it brought you closer together.
But then he does something without you. He sees other women and it the back of my head I was thinking what if he prefers them to me. I am not a 20 year old with a perfect bod and fake tan. Maybe he will come home and say "I changed my mind".
It freaked me out. So when the hubs went to vegas I told him that he could go and look at boobs but no lap dances.
He was not interested after all but, knowing he might go made me so insecure.
PS-Good job on the weight loss and the sexier pjs!
oh honey. first of all I think you have a slightly skewed image of what pretty and attractive is to a man. just because you're a 12 does not mean you are not pretty! have you SEEN some strippers?! I think the bigger problem is that you didn't know he was going beforehand and he dropped it on you like that. there's an idea out there that strip clubs are ok blah blah blah it's tradition, etc. however if it isn't something you're BOTH comfortable with then there needs to be some boundaries set. last...i think most of the questions you're asking yourself/us you should get off your chest and just ask him. you won't feel better until you do.
First of all, congrats on the weight loss. Keep up the good work and motivation.
Secondly, maybe you should talk with CP about these issues that are bothering you. I am willing to bet that you will feel better afterwards.
It sucks to feel this way. And I think you should talk to CP about it. I mean, he's marrying you--he thinks you're hot and it sounds like you could do with some reminding of that.
I get these feelings sometimes too. Like does Torsten ever compare my boobs to other boobs he's seen and find mine lacking? But then I remind myself that he had a whole past before me and in it were women with totally different boobs, and he didn't marry them, he married me. And he loves all of me, boobs included. It's not like CP isn't aware that not every woman looks like you, but he wants to marry you anyway. Because he likes you the way you are.
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