Then last night, CP and I finally took the tour of our hospital (turns out we really didn't need it after our two trips to L & D earlier this pregnancy- oh well). But they did show us the nursery floor and we saw a few just-born babies. Oddly enough, I almost teared up thinking of how OUR BABY is going to be in that room in a few short weeks.
I know that all first time moms are nervous about giving birth and becoming a mom. I guess I am not so nervous about the giving birth part. My fibroid/endo surgery gave me a taste of how much the c-section is going to suck- especially when I can't just lay on the couch and have CP and my mom help me- I will have a baby to take care of and I won't be able to just sleep away the pain.
But no, I worry about how I am going to react as a mother. As I have mentioned before, I didn't always think that I wanted to be a mother. I knew that I was too selfish at the time and that my relationships were not stable enough (or the men worthy enough). But after meeting CP I knew that eventually, I would like kids.
As I held my neighbor's newborn, it felt not so scary. But then again, the newborn slept the entire time, making a few funny faces during her nap. I thought, "I can handle this." But this was not a screaming baby at 2am when I haven't slept in weeks. This was not the probable pain of breastfeeding, no mommy guilt over something I likely can't control, no worrying about why the baby hasn't pooped in a few days, etc.
Having kids means changing our life and lifestyle completely. Because we are older and more set in our ways, is that going to be harder for us? I know we are better off because partying at bars and hanging out until the wee hours of the night is long behind us, but gone will be the days when we can come home from work and veg on the couch. Gone will be the days when we just have to worry about the two of us and the dogs. I know that it is going to be extremely hard, but everyone says that it is totally worth it. I wonder when I will feel that it is worth it? Is it when I hold MY child for the first time? Is it not until my kid first smiles at me? Or is it even later?
Some people, as soon as they get pregnant, love the child inside them. I wonder if keeping the gender a surprise is keeping me from really bonding with the baby? I don't think that I am trying to protect myself in case something happens in the last few weeks. Yes, the thought does go through my head, but for the most part I am optimistic that things will go well and in a few short weeks I will have a baby in my arms. I have definitely felt protective of my belly and the baby throughout this pregnancy, but I can't say that I love the baby yet. I don't know anything about the baby- what it looks like, its personality, etc. For me it's hard to love something that is still not a reality. But then I also feel bad that I don't already love the baby that has been inside me since March.
*sigh* I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about becoming a mother. I guess I will find out some of the answers to my questions and thoughts soon enough.
9 comments:
Deleted my first comment due to too many typos!
I can only comment from my own viewppoint, but as late-on-the-game parents, we REALLY miss our pre-baby days. We love our son more than anything, and he brings us so much joy, but we miss being husband and wife. We're now mom and dad, and that means no sleeping in, no dinners where you can actually talk, no concerts, no wine tasting, no going out after 7pm. I know it will get better, and again our son is TOTALLY worth it, but it doesn't mean you don't miss it.
As for the bonding, everyone is different. Some people bond in utero, some bond at birth, and some take way longer. With all of the health problems my son had, I know it was a full 6 months before I felt bonded to him. Before then I just felt like a babysitter. I'm VERY strongly bonded now though, and he's my world :) Don't worry if you don't bond right away. It's normal and it will come.
It took me a few weeks to bond with Jackson. I definitely didn't bond when I was pregnant--I was protective and loving, but not "in love" if that makes any sense. And it took a while after he was born. My mom drove me nuts because she kept saying "isn't he just your entire heart now?" and I was like, "uh, I just met him, let's settle down now."
But it happens, in its own time and way. I worried a lot about it, but then one day, BOOM. However and whenever it happens for you, it will happen.
We too were/are older parents (36 & 38)when our boy was born. We were definitely quite set in our ways (as our older cat still us, some ughs there, esp when it comes to nighttime whining/talking). I think for me, it has almost always felt totally worth having my boy. I say almost always, because there are those middle of the night, sleep deprived moments that I just can't think straight and wonder what I've gotten myself into. But, thankfully as he's gotten older, those have gotten less, but they still happen at times.
I don't think not knowing the gender beforehand will make you bond with him/her any more or less. But I was one that was so excited to find out that I couldn't wait. haha. I know I loved my boy while he was inside me, but it was nothing like what I feel now. It was quite abstract before and only became more concrete and real as time went by. I so don't want to imagine my life without him now.
Enjoy! This last month will go by quickly and you will adjust to life with a baby. It goes by so quickly. Just be in the present as it happens (not all will be pleasant or fun, but "enjoy" it anyway).
Oh how I can so relate to this post. Having been married more than 16 years already without kids, our life is going to change rather drastically with not just one baby, but TWO! Gah! I also know exactly what you mean about not being so IN LOVE with them right now, before they are born. I definitely feel protective, love to feel them move, and I would be devastated if something were to happen at this point. But that real sense of bonding just hasn't happened yet. It doesn't worry me though, because I am confident that as soon as I see them in person and hold them in my arms, I will love them unconditionally.
I can't believe how close you are to seeing your little one! I'm so excited for you!
As a later in life parent, I did find the transition hard. Maternity leave was great! It was my job to take care of Everleigh. Then going back to work was SO tough. And I realized I liked the alone time in my car, being able to go to lunch with co workers, or run errands by myself. But it never made it easier to leave my baby. Work days are a circus. It's scary sometimes to know I have so much responsibility when I get home instead of uncorking wine and parking it on the couch.
However, you enjoy the times you and your husband will have SO much. Once your baby has a set bedtime and is STTN, it's amazing to get your life back a little bit. It's just different, and so cliche, but it's so very rewarding. The hardest work you'll ever do, and the most important. And once you start getting the unsolicited hugs and kisses from your babe...oh, my gosh. It's heaven.
:)
I didn't feel "in love" or deeply bonded to either Bella or Oliver until a few months (or more) after they were born and then it just grew and grew from there. I still felt extremely protective of them and had a very strong sense of loyalty, but it wasn't mushy gushy love at first and especially not while pregnant. It was more feeling very strongly about keeping them safe and all that goes with that.
I think finding out the sex with my first two maybe helped me feel a little more bonded to the baby in utero, but it was a very negligible amount. I don't know the sex of this baby so it's a teeny bit harder to imagine what it will all be like once baby is here...but isn't it always very very hard to imagine what it will all be like?!?!
I'm sure it will be the same with this baby - I know when the baby is born I won't fall in love right away, but that it will grow in time and be awesome.
This post and the comments have made me feel so much more "normal". I felt a little disconnected from the babies when I was pregnant. I wanted to protect them and would have been devestated had anything happened to them, but I certainly didn't have that gushy in love feeling for them yet. And bonding didn't come instantly either. I love them and would do anything for them, but I think the bonding is still happening, to be honest. I'm sure being in the NICU didn't help.
The older parent thing? Yeah. It's been a huge adjustment. No more lounging around. No more spontaneous outings. I cant even watch a tv show all the way through in one sitting. I'm sure that will change as they get older and have more of a routine and sleep through the night. For now, its been really hard. I actually volunteered to go grocery shopping the other day just to have a few minutes alone. Don't get me wrong, it's all worth it. It's just a different life now.
Thanks for being so honest here. I don't think I really bonded with my babies in utero, but the moment they were in my arms I loved them so much, despite the overall awful situation. And, as others have said, everyone is different and you'll bond with him or her in your way, on your timeline.
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