My sister and I have almost always had a weird relationship. We were very close growing up as we were only 20 months apart (I am older) but at some point became too competitive with each other with grades, our parents' affection, sports, you name it. For a long number of years we were simply not close and we both really had no idea what was going on in each other's lives. When I got engaged, I decided that although I didn't want my sister to be the maid of honor, I did want her to be a bridesmaid so that we could hopefully become closer again. It worked and we have a much better relationship.
Once CP and I moved to Chicago I was open with my family about needing IVF to have a child. I told them everything that it would entail, but I'm not sure they they fully "got" it. Part of it is if you are anywhere with my sister, she wants all of the attention on her and is talking for most of the time. That means that it is hard to have a long conversation about a single topic because you get interrupted so many times and off track. It's often exhausting so CP and I sometimes give up on being part of conversations because she monopolizes them so much. (My parents have said that sometimes they just stop listening to everything that she is saying because she talks so much!)
Fast forward to being lucky in our first IVF cycle, obviously resulting in Izzy. My parents have been wonderful, exactly how grandparents should be. Wanting to see her, asking for pictures, excited to babysit, etc. (CP's parents are the same way but it's a bit harder for them to see her since they are both retired and living in on the East Coast). My sister on the other hand? Sometimes I feel like she could care less about Izzy, her only niece. Coupled with the fact that she at least has some idea of what it took to get Izzy here, it is super frustrating.
There are a lot of questions as to why this may be the case. I wasn't especially excited about little kids when I didn't have one because what do you do/say to them when they can't talk back to you? Maybe my sister is the same way and will be more engaged and interested when Izzy gets a little bigger? My sister and her now-fiance are on the fence about having kids...maybe it is a defense mechanism?
I get that my sister is a busy woman. But even when we are able to get together she uses the opportunity to take pictures of Izzy, sometimes take 5 minutes to interact with her, and that's it. Last month we went out to brunch for her birthday and yes, she was a little hungover, but her fiance was as well and grabbed Izzy as soon as I walked in the door to snuggle with her. What did my sister do? Took a picture of her to put on Instagram. That's it. Otherwise she was off in her own world, talking about her upcoming trip and other things going on in her life.
I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. She seems to use Izzy as a cute kid to sometimes take pictures of/with to post on Facebook/Instagram to make it look like she is a good aunt....but that is the extent. CP's sister is also very self-involved but if she lived closer (we will be seeing them in December), she would absolutely make more of an effort (one difference- she has kids).
I already know that I can't talk to my sister directly about this. That would be a poor, poor idea. But I don't know how to either stop caring that my sister doesn't make an effort with her own flesh and blood or change the situation so that Izzy actually has an engaged aunt. I don't expect her to babysit and I don't need her to come see Izzy just to see her. I just need more than a superficial relationship.
10 comments:
I get why this is frustrating. But I'm going to be honest and say that I think you need to change your expectations. Your sister may simply not be interested in small children. That may change when (if) she has her own, but I wouldn't bank on it. So instead, I would focus on what Izzy is getting out of the relationship. Is she interested in her aunt? Is there something she could do that would be special for her? Maybe the relationship will change as Izxy grows. But frankly, the sooner you stop expecting more from your sister, the better it will be for all of you.
I think I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes, especially since her fiancé seems very interested in spending time with Izzy. My brother and I have totally different priorities and values in life and I see this being a problem for us. I know I should expect less from my brother but it's really hard to change my way of thinking.
It would really irritate me if my brother took photos with my kid just to post on social media. Another reason why so many things we see on Instagram/FB and even blogs are fake and not the whole story.
I still wasn't sure if I wanted kids when I became an aunt, and I fell in love with that little girl regardless. I don't think you need to want kids to love your nieces and nephews, but I guess some people just aren't into it. She does sound self-centered, and those types of people are usually the worst to try to talk to about their behaviour because they can't see anything wrong with themselves. I'm with Cristy, there may not be anything you can do about it, as much as that sucks.
My sister and I aren't very close. We are 7 years apart (my mom had her own fertility/loss issues) and strangely we were really close when we were younger but now we're just...not. It's not that we don't like each other, but I am a mid-30's mom and she is a 20-something career girl, who doesn't want to have anything to do with kids. Ever.
So yeah, I know all about the sister who could give a shit about being an aunt. My sister barely even interacts with my kids when were all at my parents' house. Honestly this doesn't bother me much because I know kids are just not her thing. She is nice enough to them, but she doesn't put any really effort into it. And that is fine. I don't think she should if she doesn't want to.
MV's sister had a masters in Early Childhood Education and teachers preschool and ADORES our kids and has amazing relationships with them despite having lived overseas for almost the entirety of their lives. So at least they have aunt who is awesome. That's better than none.
I'm actually really disappointed that I'll never be an aunt to kids that I'm related to by blood. I KNOW my sister won't have any and that makes me sad. I still have hope that my SIL will because I really want to be an aunt. I think it would be awesome. ;)
I can understand how you feel. My husband's sister (his only sibling) lives four hours away, and has only seen E once. She seemed so excited to become an aunt and actually drove to meet E on the day we came home from the hospital. But since then? Nothing. She has been in town a few times for work and hasn't even asked to see us or E. It's so weird. And it bothers me. E might not ever really know that aunt (and her husband has never met E).
It sounds like your sister just isn't a big baby person. Maybe she's not a big "kid" person either, but I'll bet when Izzy starts talking to her, she'll become more attached. Some people don't know how to play with babies.
That is a crappy situation. It's possible once Izzy is older and talking, your sister will be able to have more fun with her and have a relationship. Maybe she just doesn't know what to do with babies. In the meantime, I agree with what someone else said- you should adjust your expectations so you aren't disappointed all the time. I'm sure that is much easier said than done.
That sounds so frustrating. As we live almost halfway around the world my brothers won't get to experience as much of Strawberry Baby when she's tiny, but from seeing them interact with other kids in the family I'm sure they will be doting uncles. And while I can relate to the fact that they should enjoy it "even more" because of the difficult road it has been so far (which I hope will continue to go smoothly and bring us a living baby!), I'm not sure they care. I expect they'll adore her as much (or little) as her easily conceived cousin who should be born sometime this month.
Maybe enjoy the fact that your sister's fiance takes the time to play with Izzy? I doubt I could so easily adjust my expectations so I won't suggest that, even though there may be some truth to it... perhaps seeing him enjoy time with Izzy will win her over? Or she'll become more interested once Izzy starts talking?
My sister and I are 6 years apart (I am younger). We were never close growing up and I have never wanted children or had any interest in them.
But, after she had her first child and moved closer (I was only 22 at the time) I spent every free minute with that baby (and another nephew 4 years later). Today...my sister is my best friend.
I still don't want children, but I can't imagine not being the best Aunt I can be. Just because I have no interest in being called "mommy" doesn't have any bearing on how much love I have for all of my nephews and niece. Kids just aren't my thing, but if I can have an impact on those who call me "Aunt", you better believe I'm going to do everything I can to make it happen.
My closest friends' children even call me Aunt Amy. I go to their sporting events, birthday parties, etc. I love them as they were my own flesh and blood.
I have to believe that your sister is just selfish! (Sorry to be so harsh) Unfortunately, I don't see any gain by confronting her. Most likely, you will be the only one who gets hurt because she can't see outside of her own little bubble she lives in.
I can't understand that mentality of not absolutely adoring my nieces and nephews. Until we had our twins, they were our world! I am sorry your sister is so indifferent toward Izzy. I know that would bother me too. Maybe she will be more interested when Izzy is older. I am happy to hear her fiancé is willing to play with her at least!
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