This is hard

I'd like to think that I was doing well parenting two kids but to be honest, I feel like I am barely scraping by.

Mornings are not too bad. Sure I'm tired when either Wes or Izzy gets me up for the day, but there is always the hope or prospect of a nap later in the day (even if the opportunity never happens). Sometimes I need to feed Wes in the middle of getting Izzy dressed and off to school but a lot of times he is sleeping which is really helpful. Thank goodness she is patient and will do something ("read" a book, have me read her a book, play with a toy, etc) while I am nursing.

How competent I feel as a mother during the day really depends on the day. Last weekend I went up to MI with my mom on a Thursday night because CP was out of town for work and it was nice to get some help on Friday. My dad stopped by  my home earlier in the day and reported back to my mom that I seemed "overwhelmed." (This was with just Wes home.) After a disastrous drive down to the city to pick up my mom (Wes screamed the entire time before crying himself to sleep 10 minutes before getting to their house), we stopped to nurse, then he cried most of the way to MI despite my mom's best efforts to put a pacifier in his mouth or calm him down. On Friday Wes had a crying fit during the day and my mom agreed that Izzy was never this difficult. I was actually happy because at least someone else understood what I have been going through.

Another day Wes essentially nursed from 10am to 5pm. I barely got lunch in (he cried the entire time while I ate) and barely peed. Needless to say I got nothing done that day. But then the past two days have been more pleasant and I feel more competent. So maybe we are turning a corner?

Nighttime is always difficult. Especially with CP being gone the past three weeks (during the work week), I never feel like I do a good job of balancing the attention Izzy needs while balancing a hungry Wes. I tend to rush Izzy through the bedtime routine and I think she knows it. On days that he is more calm I can read an extra book or spend a little more time with her, but there are some nights where I am bouncing a crying Wes on me, singing Izzy her songs, just counting down the seconds until I can go downstairs and only deal with one child.

I know that this is just a phase- and a tough one at that while we try to get into a routine as a family of four (or three if CP is gone). How competent I feel really depends on how sleep deprived I am. If I was ever being tortured and was also sleep deprived I would give up state secrets in a second!

But man that guilt is tough. Guilt for not wanting to be on maternity leave anymore. Guilt from wanting to get away from your son (even for a few minutes) to get a break. Seeing other new moms on FB isn't helping because they seem to have their shit together way more than me. I know that what people post isn't always an indication of what is really gong on at home, but still. 

In other words, this shit is hard. I haven't be able to post as much as I would like here because getting onto a computer is hard these days when you are needed so often for nursing. I'm crossing my fingers that the worst is behind us but I think that the transition to working mom with two kids will be tough in two weeks as well. I hate that I feel less bonded to Wes than I did to Izzy at this point. I know I shouldn't compare the two kids but it is hard not to. I hate that I am wishing that time would speed up past this hard part. I hate that I am not sad that this is my last newborn. I should be soaking up all of the last "firsts" but instead I am doing the opposite.

I'm not sure how else to wrap up this post other than it may look like I have my shit together these days but it is actually the complete opposite.