When to try for #2

Most people say that you need to get out of the thick of sleep deprivation and crying/colic-y babies to even think about trying for baby #2.  In our case though, we had a baby that took three years to conceive (after a surgery, various drugs, two REs, a retrieval and a transfer). Once Izzy arrived, even though we were tired, it didn't matter.  She was so amazing that immediately our minds jumped to when to try for a second (and final) child. It seems fast, but there are a number of reasons that we want to get back on the baby train. It didn't hurt that Izzy was such a good newborn....although we fully recognize that if we are lucky enough to have #2, he or she is probably going to be the complete opposite of Izzy! (Note: despite the fact that we have talked about #2, please know that we have fully been and continue to be "in the moment" at every stage with Izzy.)

The conversation with my OB at my six weeks postpartum visit about birth control was a joke. I know that there are tons of stories about people that are suddenly fertile after doing IVF. I hold no nope that the fertile unicorn dust will enter into my life. We have male and female factor infertility in our relationship. I still have a fibroid hanging out in my uterus (has it gotten bigger/smaller since the c-section?  Who knows) and although I should not have any endometriosis at the moment, it could return with regular menstrual cycles and if I am part of the 50% of women that get endo removed simply to see it come back again. I also am working with a short luteal phase (although maybe not any longer?  Details in my next post) and wonky hormones that are out of normal ranges.

Adding up all of those factors, we hold out no hope for natural conception and CP and I made the decision to not take any birth control. I could give my body some time off from drugs and then I also don't have to worry about birth control messing with breastfeeding. (This may change- details tomorrow.)

So what is the plan? My OB recommended waiting 18 months between births for the uterus to completely heal. Basically, once Izzy turns 9 months old (end of August) we could start trying again. After some discussion, we have decided that we would like to do a frozen transfer of the one frozen embryo we have in January. That gives my body a few extra months to heal and gets us past the craziness of Thanksgiving/Izzy's first birthday/Christmas/etc. Depending on how long I breastfeed, it also gives me at least a month or two to have my body back before (hopefully) needing to restrict myself with food/alcohol due to pregnancy.

Obviously we hope that we are as lucky as the first time and that the embryo sticks and I have an uneventful pregnancy resulting in our second and final child. But just because we were lucky the first time doesn't mean that it will happen again. So the other part of the rush to get pregnant again, if possible of course, is because if I have to do another fresh cycle then we will no longer be working with my 34-year old egg embyro, but my 36 year old eggs. With my somewhat wonky hormone levels my body is not expected to yield very many eggs (like last time) which could lead to more cycles down the road if things don't go well. CP is turning 38 next month and like me, wants to get the show on the road so that we can finish our family building as soon as possible.

The second round of IVF will be interesting. I think that I won't be so nervous about the actual process, sticking needles into my belly, etc. There also won't be as much pressure because we do have Izzy. I think the next six months or so will go by quickly....and then we will have to see what happens! For now I am hopeful....but that might just be because I can enjoy Izzy and not think about my infertility for a few more months....

Thoughts about death

While CP was in Thailand for two weeks for work, I took Izzy up to my parent's place in MI two weekends in a row.  The second weekend- at least the start of it- was a complete disaster.  Not 15 minutes into my drive I tried my best to go around a bad part of the road, but ended up hitting the bump funny.  When I heard the "clunk" I knew that it was something bad.  I pulled over in a parking lot and got out to survey the damage.

Everything looked intact near the rear right wheel.  I felt the tires- check.  Made sure the rim was still attached to the tire- check. I then decided to continue driving as I couldn't see anything wrong.

About 30 minutes later I was still hearing clunking noises as I drove when CP called from Thailand.  Even he could hear the clunking noises over the phone!  I pulled over on the highway and got out again to see if I could see anything.  I ended up pulling on a cylinder behind the tire and realizing that it was loose on the side making noise.  I sent this picture to CP and asked him to do some internet searching to figure out if driving with this loose part was dangerous. 

The loose part

I only had three options: 1. keep driving and hope that I got to MI safely; 2. call my parents and ask them to drive from MI to pick me, Izzy, and Buster up and bring me home; or 3. call a tow truck and figure out a way home while also trying to figure out how to transport Buster, a dog that does not like strangers when he first meets them (so not really a good option).

CP ended up figuring out that it was the shock and as far as he could tell from internet searches, it was okay to drive the car.  I got back on the road and called my parents to let them know what was going on and to keep their phones on them in case something happened and I needed them to pick me up.  I white-knuckled the rest of the drive, driving slower than usual and staying clear of potholes.  I told myself that I was an awful mother continuing to make this drive and that I shouldn't put Izzy or Buster at risk.  Visions of my rear right tire flying off the car went through my head.  Then once the tire flew off, I figured that I wouldn't be able to control the car so the visions became me crashing into the metal barrier between the highway and the lake that I was driving past.  I thought about how the hell I was going to save Izzy when she was in her car seat while the car slowly sank to bottom of the lake.

Horrible thoughts right?  I have always had some weird, dark thoughts....usually around big events.  It's usually worries about something happening to someone I love.  Like something happening to CP before our wedding.  I was really worried about something happening to my parents before I moved out to Chicago two years ago  I still worry about something happening to me or CP and can envision the headlines- "Parent of 5 month old baby dies (insert awful way to die)."  I have more of these thoughts of death and dying now that Izzy is here. I don't dwell on them but the quantity has increased. Oddly enough, they are never about Izzy.

Maybe this is normal?  Because I now have a child that is dependent on me maybe I have some more anxiety over the possibility that something could happen to me, CP, or both of us?

Clearly I am still here so I did end up making it to my parent's house that night.  After Izzy went to bed I relaxed after three glasses of wine.  Between getting my period that week, the car ride, single parenting for two weeks, and stress the wine was sorely needed!

We took the car to the dealership the next morning to make sure I could drive it back to Chicago without a problem and were told that would be okay.  The car went into the shop that next week and unfortunately, it wasn't just the shocks that needed repair. $2200 later I didn't  have to worry about the safety of my car anymore...just my credit card bill.

Pretty please?

Pretty please go HERE to sign a We the People Petition to require all insurance coverage to include infertility testing and treatment for men and women.  In IL I am lucky enough to have coverage but there are only a few states in the country that provide any coverage at all.

WE PETITION THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO:

Require ALL insurance coverage to include infertility testing and treatment for both women and men.

As of right now, there are no federal requirements for infertility coverage. With the Affordable Care Act in place, now is the time to move forward as a country. Many other countries provide infertility care up to IVF and surrogacy, whereas in this country most of the time we have to pay out of pocket-which is often times not possible.

It is time that people stop treating infertility like it's an optional medical condition. It is a serious problem and emotionally and financially damaging to the families it effects. One in eight couples will be diagnosed with infertility in the USA. That is too many Americans having to deal with something incredibly difficult without the support of their government. Healthcare is now the law in our country-make the healthcare providers provide for ALL.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Last week The Kelamachers posted that if you have the opportunity to have infant school photos taken, you should jump on the chance (click over to this post to see the picture of their son and his adorable photo). Izzy had her own daycare photo session on Monday.  I happened to stop by Target last week to pick up some pants for her and found the most adorable dress.  It also happened to be on sale so I decided to pick it up for picture day.

We have to wait 2-3 weeks for the pictures to come back- I definitely can't wait to see them.  I heard they also tried to get a group infant shot and I can't imagine that went well trying to get 8 infants to look good all at once!  In the meantime, I held a mini photo shoot with Izzy in our front yard once I got her home from daycare.  I only got to take 5 or 6 shots before I heard thunder and figured that we should get inside, but got two cute photos.

The top one is super cute, but the picture below is my absolute favorite.  

I don't know what it is about this picture, but Izzy, at only 5.5 months looks like a little lady here! Maybe it's the hair?

I hope that the professional photographer was able to get some good shots of Izzy as well!

When to stop

Yep, this is yet another post on breastfeeding. Because nursing or pumping takes up so much of my day, it's no wonder I have so much to say on the topic! Five months in, things are going fine. During the week I am amazingly *still* making more milk than Izzy drinks at daycare so I continue to add to my freezer stash.*

I have always said that my first goal was to make it 6 months exclusively breastfeeding. My next goal was a year. However, I'm not sure I will be able to make it a year.... If you saw my Day in the Life Spring post, I mentioned how I get up around 5:30 and finally get into work three hours later. Part of the reason for that is because of Izzy. I only feed her on one side per session these days to help with her reflux so after feeding her on one side, I then have to pump the other breast- something that I unfortunately can't do at the same time as when I am nursing her. This process adds about 40 minutes to me getting ready for the day and if I was to eliminate it, I could either get to work earlier or sleep in a bit more.

Nursing/pumping also has been affecting my work. It is getting harder to spend the time away from my desk at work to pump. I lose a good 1.5 hours from my workday (I end up working through lunch to try to make some of the time up). I have a few all day meetings coming up and I will likely only be able to pump once/day- and hopefully I can find a room to do that in! Not being at my desk is hard and I'm simply not getting enough done at work. The day flies by and I don't know where the time goes!

There are other factors as well. If I only breastfeed/pump until Izzy's 9 month birthday:

*I would no longer have to worry about emptying my boobs before going for a run.

*I would get my body back.  No worrying about how much caffeine I ingest in a day (generally not a problem), no worrying about having more than one beer or glass of wine, etc. My boobs would be mine again (hopefully a bit smaller?), although most likely even more saggy than they were before!

*It may lead to better sex?

*I could prepare my body for the frozen transfer of our one frozen embryo (more on this in a future post).  I'm sure the first step is to get my period (done), but from what I have been reading, you need a few cycles under your belt before starting up on the drugs and everything else involved in an FET.

*I could stop wearing nursing bras.

*I could leave the house with Izzy without needing to remember a nursing cover or worry about the amount of time I will go between feedings (if I don't plan on nursing wherever we go and just bring pumped bottles of milk).

All of that being said, even if I feel that stopping around 9 months is the best decision for me, I will definitely feel guilty stopping before a year.  Some of the thoughts that run through my mind:

*Some people can't breastfeed or pump at all and I am giving it up willingly?  

*Cost of formula, even if for just a few months

*What if Izzy is our only baby? I couldn't make it three more measly months?

*Izzy has been sick since she started daycare. Maybe she really needs the extra three months of breastmilk?

*Breastfeeding/pumping is good for keeping the weight off, despite the extra food and water that needs to be ingested. Will I start to gain weight again if I stop?

*I would miss nursing her in the morning and at night. It is such a calm, relaxing time.  Izzy does this adorable thing where she will nurse for a while, come off my boob and look at me and smile, before latching on again.

*Am I being too selfish by wanting to stop early?

I mentioned stopping a bit early to CP the other morning.  Ladies, I think that I might have trained him TOO well in supporting me through breastfeeding.  He said that he would be unhappy if I stopped prior to Izzy hitting the year mark (when she can start drinking cow's milk instead of breast milk)- not because of the cost of formula, but because formula is not as good as breast milk. (Please no comments on whether this is right or not.  He is a boy and does not get involved and/or think about the breast milk/formula debate.  He only knows that it was my wish to breastfeed and I told him numerous times during my pregnancy that I would like him to continue to support me to breastfeed even if it hurt/was tough/etc.) He mentioned that if breastfeeding is supposed to help Izzy with immunity that why would I not continue? This doesn't help with the guilt but I'm not sure he realizes how much of a sacrifice it is every day to be the sole provider of Izzy's nutrition!!

Argh.  There are pros and cons to stopping a few months early and one of them would be for my sanity!  9 months is still almost 4 months away!!

Any wise thoughts from readers? I have thought about maybe stopping around 9 months and then using the freezer stash, along with formula, to prolong the time that she would get breastmilk.  That way I am no longer pumping or nursing but she is still getting some breastmilk every day for a while.

*While I have a good amount in there, I don't think that it would last more than a few weeks after I stopped breastfeeding.  So no, I don't have enough stored up to last three months.

5 months old!

Height: Not sure but we will get a measurement next month.

Weight: With clothes and a wet diaper Izzy weighed 16 lbs, 12 oz earlier this week. So she is probably somewhere in the 16 lb range?

Nicknames: I mostly call Izzy Pumpkin, Chris calls her Kiddo, my mom calls her Boo Boo (which I do not understand), and my dad calls her Izzykins.

Milestones: Izzy loved to stick her tongue out this month. She rolled over for me once, but seems content to stay on whatever side she is on. She does do a lot of rolling to the side and then staying there. Her moments are not as jerky and she is getting very good and grabbing things in front of her with by bringing her two hands together. Everything including burp cloths, toys, our hands, her clothes, our clothes, etc. goes into her mouth. Towards the end of the month she started to get interested in her feet and reaching down to touch/grab them. Her head and neck control are great and she is still working on sitting. Her legs are getting stronger and every time I stand her up she can hold herself up for longer periods of time before her legs buckle. Also, Buster is her FAVORITE thing to look at.  If he moves, Izzy's eyes follow him the entire time and she smiles.  Buster reciprocates by giving Izzy lots of kisses on her hands and face.  

Everything goes in my mouth...including octopus!

Favorite Toy: Her absolute favorite toy is a set of rings that has different textures on them. It will entertain her far longer than I ever thought it would!  Izzy is a big fan of putting them in her mouth. This month we put her in the Exersaucer for the first time and while she looks a bit bewildered with all of the choices of things to play with, she enjoys that as well.

Must.hold.onto.my.favorite.toy.at.all.times.

Exersaucer time!

Sleeping Habits: Izzy is consistently sleeping from 8pm-6am or 7am (depends on when we wake her up).  Her naps are all over the place, but her doctor said that as long as we are happy with her nighttime sleep to not worry about the naps.

Eating: She continues to eat around 120ml (4oz) four times a day when she is in daycare. Otherwise I nurse her.  Sometimes over the weekend she gets a few bottles if we are out and about. I am still pumping more than she eats (yay boobs!) except for a temporary drop in supply while I was sick and eating far too many Halls than is healthy.

Diapers: Still in the cloth diapers, size 2.  We are also still using disposable diapers at night and so far, zero leaks.

Clothes: Still in 6 month clothing.

Illness: This same damn cold plagued her all.month.long.  Thank goodness she is a "happy wheezer"- which is surprisingly a technical term for doctors.  Hopefully with the warmer weather she finally kicks the cold.  The past few days I haven't had to de-snot her so that's a start....

Other highlights:  Izzy's first Easter was spent in Michigan with her grandparents, aunt, and "uncle" (my sister is not married to him).  Unfortunately CP was in Thailand. But she wore an adorable outfit for the occasion!

Izzy also took her first plane flight (to NH) and we went twice to MI.

Weight milestone

Quick post because I am already two days late in posting Izzy's 5 month update. 

I have been stuck at a certain weight for a while now and it has been frustrating. I should be burning more calories these days simply from breastfeeding. I'm also not spending my nights in front of the tv like I used to. I may not be exercising during that time, but I am tidying the house up or doing something to get ready for the next day. I am not dieting (a no-no while breastfeeding) and while I could be eating a bit better, I am still eating fairly healthy.

I took two weeks off from running because CP was in Thailand and I was sick/exhausted so I thought that wouldn't help matters. I went on a 2.5 mile run yesterday after work and was happy to have no uterine pain during or after the run. Yay! 

Maybe the exercise break helped push my body to lose some weight because when I stepped on the scale this morning I weighed 198! This may not be a big deal to some of you but I don't think that I have weighed in the 100s for a while. In fact, when I went to try to find the last time that I weighed less than 200, I think it was all the way back in July of 2011 after running the half marathon. My earliest entry in My Fitness Pal is from Feb 2012 and it shows a weight of 215. The last monthly weigh-in I did on the blog was June of 2012 and I weighed 214. I think I stopped the monthly posts because I was sad and embarrassed to be writing on a monthly basis that I was over 200 pounds and I essentially had stopped exercising so it wasn't going to get much better.

I am super excited about this latest weigh-in. That means that I am finally out of the "obese" BMI category and in the "overweight" category (I'm 5'9"). Still not where I want to be but better. Frankly it would be nice to be 175 pounds again like I was around our wedding and for a good year or so afterwards.....but as of right now I don't have a particular goal in mind. Just to continue to lose weight and eat healthy so that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I start out healthier than I did with Izzy.

Yay!!!!!!!!