I have to be honest- I am waiting for the other shoe to drop
with this whole move to Chicago. Things
are going SO WELL and things are fitting right into place…..something has to go
wrong. It can’t be this easy.
I know that I shouldn’t have this fatalist attitude. Maybe it is infertility that has changed my
outlook in life. But for some reason, I
have a feeling that something is going to fall through. Our house won’t appraise for enough
money. The closing won’t happen on
time. Something will happen and my
transfer out to Chicago will no longer be available. Or if we get the fixer-upper house there will
be something like termites everywhere during the inspection.
Or even worse, I worry that something will happen to a member
of my family before I get out to Chicago.
I don’t know why but I am anxious to get to Chicago because I have lived
in a different state from my family for 8 years after leaving for college and
then after only a year of living in Chicago before law school, another 7 years. Living away from my parents didn’t bother me
before, but I think that it is the knowledge that my parents are getting older….I
feel like I am missing out on spending valuable time with them. I don’t think that they are going to drop
dead tomorrow, but you never know when you are going to get in a car accident. That goes for CP too- what if something
happens to him before I get out to Chicago?
If something happens to anyone before I get out there I am
going to feel so guilty. It’s not like
that is a rational thought though- there is nothing I can do about being here
in CT. But it is the fact that I could
have been making memories and spending time with my family….and instead I am
out here.
Aren’t these awful thoughts?
But I can’t get them out of my head.
What is wrong with me? I
certainly hope that I am wrong….
Do you ever have thoughts like this? Thoughts that things are going too well?
8 comments:
I totally get this. We have accepted an offer on our house and are waiting to sell and have been accepted provisionally as tenants for the perfect house. And I am just waiting for it all to go wrong. I think you are right, I think IF changes the way you think about things. I just assume now that things wont work out the way I want them to.
Welcome to my daily life! I have such horrible anxiety issues that EVERY motion I make I am afraid that something is going to happen. On the bright side...it is just irrational thoughts! Thoughts that can consume you if you let it. DO NOT LET IT....
You deserve everything that is coming your way! Maybe this is a higher being making up for all the issues you had with the mortgage company on CP's condo.
I don't think you're being too irrational. You're spending a large amount of time alone ... alone with your thoughts ... and there's lots to think about!
I definitely changed the way I viewed the world around me after having Gavin. Not that I've ever been reckless, but before if something happened to me, only adults would be affected (husband, parents, brother, etc.). Now? If something happens, a little kid loses his mom and that's HEARTBREAKING. So, yeah, you better believe how I approach the world has changed.
I think this is natural. When people are consistently bombarded with a chain of unfortunate events you become conditioned to expect the worst. I don't know if the most stalwart optimist could move through this journey with a glass that is always half full. Best of luck with the home and the move!
I think it's normal and I'm right there with you right now. Perhaps it's a symptom of happiness when you've moved beyond naivete. But it's also tied into anxiety and that gives a time of fun and excitement an under current of ick. I try my best to suppress/ignore that way of feeling but it's there. My husband and I talk about it often.
It is hard not to think of the what ifs. it is human nature especially with all your loved ones in one place you are feeling out of the loop n a way. Just don't let them get the best of you.
I'm the exact same way. I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop if I was in your shoes!
I think it's perfectly normal--just deep breaths until you get to Chicago!
I do this all the time. If things are going well, I'm mentally running through a full list of things that could ruin all the good things. I'm the Queen of What Ifs.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you that all this moving stuff works out and is as good as it seems!
Post a Comment