The big hole

As a couple I feel like we often have ADD.  Actually sometimes I feel like I have ADD because it is hard to focus on doing one thing for a long period of time- oh I must take the dogs out- oh I must clean that counter- oh I should empty that suitcase.  CP often gets annoyed because it is hard for me to stay on task.  I sometimes don’t finish sentences before heading off into another thought.  I have never been checked for ADD, but have read articles that our digital lives are making it harder for people to stay focused- maybe that is what is wrong with me?

But this post is not really about whether I have ADD or not.  It’s more like I feel like CP and I turn our attention to things, big life events, and hoping they will fill the hole in our lives that would be filled with children.  Sort of like...getting pregnant is not working so we will turn our attention to X!  When we first started trying and not having any success I was really focused on GETTING PREGNANT. While I continually got my period and tried not to get my hopes up every month, pregnancy was always in the back of my mind. 

We did our best to stay busy with moving to CT, signing up for a half marathon, creating raised beds/doing a lot of gardening, and deciding to get a new puppy.  All to keep our minds off of the infertility tests and the monthly disappointment of my period.

We were hoping that the three IUIs we did in April, early May, and late May would lead to us getting pregnant.  That obviously didn’t work out as planned.  Instead, once CP got the call from the headhunter, we were off and planning the logistics of our move to Chicago.  Not completely forgetting about getting pregnant, but not thinking about it as much.

And now, now that we have a major fixer upper of a house on our hands, was there a little part of us that bought this house knowing that with so much work to do, we could stay busy and not think about the fact that over two years later we still can’t get pregnant? 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big proponent of staying busy and continuing to live your life while trying to get pregnant.  If I had put my life on hold for the past two+ years by limiting my alcohol content, not eating sushi, not dying my grays, not pushing myself during workouts (ha ha not recently!), and in generally, not living and doing what I want to do I would have gone crazy.  The one place where I feel like I haven't pushed myself to continue living is my job.  I have stayed at my current job partly because I didn't want to look for another job AND move at the same time, but also because I have saved up vacation time/sick time to take if I ever get pregnant.  Leaving my job would mean starting all over again....so I stay, even though I am not happy or fulfilled in any way.

Since our last IUI in May CP and I haven’t even tried to get pregnant.  In June and July it was because he was in IL and I was in CT and my one visit didn’t match up with ovulation; this month we decided to not try because we have been around a bunch of chemicals in trying to re-do our house- turpentine, paint (low VOC but still), spray paint, etc.  Plus there is a gas smell in our bedroom that we can’t get rid of (the gas company has been out and the plumber couldn’t find any reason for it- not sure what we are going to do).  So not quite ideal conditions.

But….we should be trying.  I hate being on the sidelines.  We haven’t really talked about it, but part of me is resigned to the fact that well, what’s the point?  (Does CP think this too?  Not sure.)  If we haven’t gotten pregnant yet, then obviously the only way we are going to get pregnant is through IVF....and our consultation isn’t until Oct 1^st with our new doctor.  And after that, when are we going to have the money for it?  We just had a bunch of contractors come through the house and we are trying to pay their bills….next up we need new windows throughout the house and who knows how much that is going to cost.

Hmmm I wasn’t meaning for this post to start to sound bitter, but I guess that is where it went.  It’s part frustration from over two years of being completely unsuccessful, it’s part frustration with not having won the lottery yet (maybe I should start playing) because how else are we going to pay for everything house related and IVF, and part….well, I don’t know what.  Did we bite off more than we can chew with the house?  Only time will tell.  Meanwhile my eggs are getting older and I am creeping towards my 34^th birthday.  Still trying to find ways to plug up the hole in my life.